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New Moon Owns the World Now. I Almost Review It.

New-moon1  I didn't see New Moon. Because of lots of reasons that I could write down and are probably misogynistic, but lets just say the main reason I'm not going is... and then I'll point at my crotch and wink and maybe do some pelvic thrusting, but just for fun.  So instead I'll do a second-hand review because my best friend went with a friend of hers and I gave her explicit instructions to only say nice things when she reported back, because beating up on New Moon for being a bad movie is like making fun of the star quarterback who has sex with a thousand girls a night because he isn't doing well in Spanish. Let's face facts. The Twilight francise is out-pacing The Dark Knight and Harry Potter in ticket sales. I'm sure the sting of another bad review is really gonna suck for them. No really. Stop laughing.

I should probably mention is that she said the first thing she did when she got home from seeing New Moon, was lie on the bathroom floor and moan. Now I know what you're thinking. "Oh Kurt! You incredibly handsome man! Don't go for the obvious 'The Movie Sucked So Bad It Made Her Sick' gambit! You're better than that." And I know... I totally am. But in this case, there was a lot of "spinny" camera work used to express the passing of time, and she is perpetually afraid of being lost in a time vortex, so this movie preyed on her basest fears. Also she said she drank too much "Diet Mr. Pibb". 

One of the good things she said about New Moon was that Kristen Stewart must have gotten a few notes from her acting coach because there was markedly less hair-flipping and lip-biting this time and maybe that shows her maturing as an actress, or maybe she just doesn't want to get lynched. I know the whole time I was watching Adventureland, I kept hoping she wouldn't stop at the lip and would instead just keep going until she ate her whole face. But I'm not hostile.

Also, Taylor "Sharkboy" Lautner, although still firmly entrenched as President of the Tragic Eyebrow Club, has very white teeth and I think if you are doing a feature film about vampires and werewolves, it is super-important for the main characters to have white teeth. It adds to the drama. Trust me. Also she said he had an oily back, but I think she was just being racist against werewolves because I know for a fact she keeps a "Team Edward" bumper sticker stuck to the bottom side of her underwear drawer. Even if Jacob does have an oily back,  I think that just translates to a healthy coat when he's in wolf mode, so obviously he's getting enough vitamin whatever-that-one-is-that-makes-dogs-have-healthy coats.

Sharkboy

Pre-Eyebrow, Pre-Werewolf Taylor Lautner in the film that defined his talents. 

She also said that New Moon gave her a great opportunity to check for split ends because the light coming off the screen was directionally helpful and she could really look closely. Also the spinniness of the cameras gave her lots of chances to make sure her shoes were tied and on the right feet, so she avoided THAT embarrassment. And then she said something about Bella throwing Jacob a piece of pizza which mysteriously turns into a wrench and shows the passage of time somehow, but I'm not even sure what that means and I was afraid I might have blacked out for parts of that sentence because it didn't make any sense at all. 

She also mentioned that there was a girl behind them in the theater who was on Team Edward The Mopiest and every time Bella and Jacob hugged in that awkward "I don't actually wish to touch you but they are paying me infinity dollars to do this crap" Kristen Stewart way, the girl would groan and say "No" in a breathy whisper. I don't know if this is a feature of every showing of New Moon or just a bonus for the viewing they sat through. Viral marketing is weird, is my point.







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Comments

Sweetney

"President of the Tragic Eyebrow Club" - I think I just wet myself.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

When I saw "Karate Kid II" in the theatre the lady behind me yelled "SAVAGE!" during the fight scene at the end when the bad guy hit the girl. It was awesome. I would go see "New Moon" right now if I were guaranteed to sit near that Team Edward lady.

La

I just did a little wee reading this - hilarious.

Of course I loved every crappy minute of New Moon despite the over large woman with a family bag of crisps making a definate sex groan noise every time 'Edward' slo-mo-ed in to shot, furrowing his brow.

Don't even begin to imagine the noise she made during the Dramatic Shirt Off Scene. It was pornographic.

Soda & Candy

Excellent second-hand review. Also, I love people who talk during key moments of movies.

In the Lion King right after Mufasa dies and Simba is crying softly, a little kid in the theater yelled out "Why her sad for, Mum?"

paradise

best "non-seen" review I've read to date!




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