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The Chocolate War - Let's Get Ready to Rumbuuuuuuuuuul!

Willy You like Chocolate.  Don't lie.  Everyone likes chocolate.  Wait.  That's a fairly broad interpretation/assumption.  Let's say that most of you like chocolate and the rest of you molest Collies.  Wait.  That's terrible too.  Okay.  Let's turn this crazy talk around.  You, at the very least, know someone who is crazy about chocolate.  Word?  Word.

Yes, yes.  Chocolate is deee-vine.  And 'round these parts, it's Cadbury that rules.  With a sweet coco fist.  Oh sure, sure.  There are better chocolates out there.  Lots of fancy-pants French/Italian type confections.  Stirred with the legs of virgins and whatnot.  But I dare you to find another company with the balls to make a delicious hollow, chocolate egg.......and then put gooey crack, err, I mean nugget, No(!)  that's not right, Crack Nugget, right in the center.  Double Dog Dare you. 

Now for the Kicker. Now for the Chocolate War.  And not that book you had to read in middle school either. 

Egg Cadbury's selling.  Yea. I know right?  This could mean the end of my (as well as my daughter's) delicious Crack Egg.  So, if that change bowl of yours is overflowing, cash that shit in, pronto.  If it comes out to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 18 billion dollars, then you could be the next Willy Wonka.  And how badass would that be?  That was a rhetorical question.

So, without further adoooooooo.....The Chocolate War.

In this corner, weighing in at, fuck, I don't know, A LOT of chocolate, ladies and gentlemen stomp your feet and clap your hands, your favorite missionary position Chocolate bar, let's hear it for...Hershey.  (Crowd goes wild).

And, in this corner, weighing in at Loads of chocolate as well, maker of your favorite Hazelnut/chocolate spread and mine, give it up for...Ferrrrrrrrrrr-ero.  (Crowd goes equally as wild)

Ladies and gentlemen, it seems we have another card in this match.  Unusual as it is, we're going to open this battle up to a third contender.  Coming in at a MASSIVE 18 billion dollar bid, lets hear it for the maker of mac n' cheese loved by children everywhere, let's give it up for .....Kraft!  (Crowd goes...ahhh hell.  you know)

So here we are.  A chocolate three-way.  Awesome, right?

Kraft comes out swinging with an astounding 18 BILLION dollar bid for the Crack Egg confectionery.  Both Hershey and Ferrero are stunned and Kraft goes for it's signature finishing move - The Shells and Cheese.  And trust me, you don't want to be on the receiving end of that.  But wait!  What have we here.  It seems that Hershey AND Ferrero are working together to try and take down the mighty Goliath.  Wait, wait.  Now it appears that there may be some confusion.  It appears Hershey is skeptical of Ferrero's intentions and Ferrero is self-conflicted.  All the while Kraft walks the ring taunting the crowd.  "Cheese, bitches.  Mac 'n Cheese is gonna get yo Chocolate Crack Egg!!" 

My dog, ladies and germs!  How with this battle end?!  It's pandemonium!

How indeed.  And really, who gives a shit.  I just like chocolate and wrestling/boxing/K-1 fighting. 

I also like my Cadbury Crack Egg.  So listen up Fighters!  Do what you gotta do.  Hershey, bash Kraft with a folding chair and then throw them through a folding table.  Ferrero.  Break out those brass knuckles and work out on Hershey for a while.  Kraft?  I'm looking forward to the Shells and Cheese finish as it's always spectacular.  But one thing.  Whoever wins....

Don't fuck with my Crack Egg.

If you, unlike me, can make any sense out of "business-y" type talk.  Here's the source.


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I actually don't care for chocolate -- I'm also the chick who hates ice cream so clearly I can't be trusted -- but I make an exception for Crack Eggs. Each year I wait for that joyful day when they show up at the corner store or (trembles) in those big bins near the check-out at the grocery store.

Whoever ends up buying Cadbury, they damn well better not change anything about the Eggs, unless it's making them available all year.


If Crack Eggs go away, then that will be proof that there is no god.


I swear to god I love everything you write, and it isn't Easter without Crack Eggs. YUM.


You had me at "chocolate three-way."

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