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Wear Some Protection: A Recap of Sex Rehab With Dr.Drew

Sexrehabdrdrew Think of this article as a public service announcement. I sit down to watch Sex Rehab With Dr.Drew so you can learn from my mistakes. Grab your significant other and some protection and let's go!


We start with the dulcet tones of Dr.Drew describing sex addiction. I giggle, because I'm 12, and also because I have a not-so-secret crush on Dr. Drew. I LOVED "Loveline" back in the day, and I'm completely hooked on Celebrity Rehab so this show is already win-win for me. Sex addiction is "shrouded in shame," quoth Drew, but more mainstream than ever, what with the big bad internet giving us porn all over the place. Lives will be changed! Alterna-pop music will play! THIS! Is Sex Rehab with Dr Drew!

 James Lovett, professional surfer, looks like Jeff Spicoli and loves sex. We see him driving around, humping his steering wheel. He's lost all his friends and money and can't stop sleeping with anyone with a pulse. He meets Selma, the tech who goes through his stuff to make sure he has no "drugs or toys." James almost falls off a treadmill and giggles. He's like a hyperactive toddler on meth. 

He meets Drew and says that the constant quest for sex has taken him away from his surfing, and that he holes up in his apartment masturbating or cruises around looking for poon. Dr. Drew examines him and suspects he has HPV due to a growth on his uvula. James says he's clean. We'll see about that. 

Commercials! The Trojan Vibrating Mini makes a great gift for the sex addict in your life! 

Next up is Penny Fling, who is "kind of a big deal" in porn. She's a dominatrix and runs a webcam biz. In her personal life, sorry guys, she'll kick you in the balls before she'll let you spend the night. She tearfully says that she doesn't know why she can't connect with people. Selma greets her as "Jennifer," suggesting that she use her real name. She seems thrown by this but agrees. Selma finds all manner of sex toys in her bag, including a "Ron Jeremy" dildo. Blorgh.

Jennifer meets with Drew. She's already crying. She wants to be a kind and sensitive person who has real relationships. Drew says they can work on that. 

Phil Barrone is a touring rock drummer. You can keep your drugs and booze, he's all about the chicks, man. He's up to 3-5 chicks a day, up to around 3,000 lucky ladies in his "career." He doesn't want to be a lonely old man.

Drew interviews him. Phil is 41 now, and always wanted to be a rock star. The girls made him feel like more of a rock star, and Drew says he's spoiled. Phil agrees. His mom and dad gave him everything, and then the girls did. Drew asks about his dead mom and Phil cries. He doesn't want to talk anymore. Drew voiceovers that he's TOTES getting the whole story of Phil and his mom, DON'T WORRY, AUDIENCE. 

Commercials. Sandra Bullock makes a terrible blonde. 

Here's Nicole, and she's a Playmate who boinked Colin Farrell. She traded using cocaine for more and more sex. She doesn't masturbate much because when she starts she can't stop. She feels lost. She must go through a hella lot of batteries, man. 

Drew jumps into the childhood trauma. Nicole was molested, but never knew how to talk about it. She equates the abuse with her sex life now, since she feels like she's only good for sex. It's a very brief but serious interview.

Unpacking. Jennifer has Blow Pops, and orders herself to not look at the boys with tattoos. James says all women are ugly and he's going to stop thinking about sex. I'm sure all those things are really going to happen. I'm also surprised Selma didn't confiscate the Blow Pops, which I've HEARD can be very sexy when consumed the right way. I'm just saying.

Kendra broke up Britney and K-Fed. To her, sex = love. It's a total addiction that validates her. Hey!! She's married to Lucas from Rockstar Supernova!!! I loved that show! She's cheated on everyone she's ever been with and she doesn't want to fuck up her marriage. Tearful goodbyes.

Drew asks her how her disease manifests. Kendra says her worth = sex, and when she had sex, she'd feel better about herself. She cries a lot. Her husband is motivating her to change because she is trying to trust in him and she loves him. She doesn't want to jeopardize her marriage, but she knows she will if she doesn't get help. Drew voiceovers that Kendra is different from the others in that she's in a committed relationship, and she has a lot to lose. Personally, I think Lucas looks like a hobbit with two-toned hair, but that's just me. Love is love, y'all.

Commercials. Go on a diet, get a Bowflex and a new car or women won't have sex with you. 

Everyone meets over lunch. James is hysterically giggling talking about the girls. They all sit apart. James is making a sound that no human male should be able to make. 

Kari Ann was Miss Teen USA and had her title stripped for posing for Playboy. She has "call boys" and loves toys. Shockingly enough, she has intimacy issues. She has 900 numbers in her phone and no one to call. She feels very alone. 

Drew jumps into the family question right off, and oh man, this is hardcore. Her parents are divorced, and she gets defensive about it. She gets more defensive when she says that she was molested from age 5-7, and raped when she was 15 and 17. Jeebus. She is really really defensive, almost pissed off now and refuses to ask for help. She hates the word help. She totally shuts down at this point. Wow, this poor girl is a mess. She smiles like a Stepford Wife the whole time. Drew tells her she deserves better. Kari Ann ain't hearing ANY of this. She refuses to interact with Drew at all. Damn.

Back to the patio, where everyone is of COURSE talking about sex. James will NOT shut up. He's obsessed with Jennifer. He wants to marry her. She says sure, as long as he doesn't care about her. OMFGWTFBBQ, 

Duncan Roy! He's a film director. He pretended to be a Lord for five years in Paris and went to prison for it. He got very very used to, and developed quite a taste for, prison sex. He doesn't do anything or go anywhere now because he looks at porn all day and night. He literally does nothing else. 

With Drew, he says that he's sober now, but the sex was there before and after all the drugs and booze. He feels out of body when he has sex. He sees relationships as a huge mountain to climb, but he wants to try out "closeness." He doesn't seem very hopeful in achieving that, either. 

Commercials. how much am I NOT renting "Transformers?" A lot, that's how much. 

Amber is back! She's a swimsuit model who lost everything to opiates. She did Celebrity Rehab  and Sober House so she and Drew are tight. She was a hooker for drugs. Now that she doesn't use anymore, she is addicted to guys. She goes trolling for guys at clubs. She sees no reason to live if she can't be validated with sex. Amber is a WRECK, y'all.

She immediately falls apart with Drew. She's so anxious. She wants to use drugs. She can't slow down. She wants a sex fix. She looks like she's going to shake right out of her skin. I remember when she was detoxing on Celeb Rehab and she looks worse now than she did then. 

James runs on a treadmill bouncing a ball and giggling maniacally. The others wonder what the hell is wrong with him. You know what James needs is a big ol' hamster ball he can just run and run and run in and he can't touch any of the ladies while he's burning off all that manic energy. Get Dr. Drew on the blower, I have the cure! Hamster balls for all!

Commercials. The First Response Pregnancy Test: The most logical choice for advertising during a sex rehab show since the Trojan Vibrating Mini. 

House meeting! Drew welcomes everyone and says there's NO SEX IN REHAB. They all signed a contract. No touching, ever, even handshakes if you don't have permission. No sex. No masturbating. No computers or cell phones. This is the last frontier of addiction. James wants to go run more. Hell, *I* want to go run now. 

Drew thinks that all these people are so fragile that this could destroy them. Kendra is miserable without her husband. Amber tries to make her feel better. Kendra hasn't been without her husband since they met. She doesn't know if she can do it. Everyone is super bummed out. 

Some whiny emo band wails that only you can save me as we montage the first night, and we end with James declaring that he's "ready to fuck." Awesome. 

Well! That was an adventure! The previews promise a ton of drama, yelling, cussing out - hey, no cussing out Selma, that shit just ain't right. Did you watch? Is this worth recapping? Let me know, you crazy sexy betches and bestards! 







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Comments

Snarky Amber

I need a shower now.

Fairly Odd Mother

This was an awesome recap. This was our "secondary" show show, flipping to it during MadMen commercials. All my husband wanted to know was why was Dr Drew wearing a stethoscope during the entire show? Is that often needed in sex therapy?

And, really, putting sex addicts in the same living area? Isn't that like putting them into Celebrity Rehap and leaving out big bowls of drugs everywhere? I foresee sex on the treadmill in the next episode.

ajnabi

I think I would need one of Naked Gun's full-body condoms to get through an episode of this show.

Larissa

THIS is why I love Dr. Drew. Is it wrong to discuss how hot he was on a show about sex addicts? I DON'T CARE!!

And I think James is my favorite since he is obviously going to spontaneously combust during this show. I missed his interview... did he cry too? Since everyone else did. Dr. Drew is worse than Oprah.

KBO

Dr. Drew just vacillates from being frank and honest and awesome and being a complete famewhore opportunist. I hate him and love him. These people aren't celebs, for real, but I'm totally going to watch, mostly because it will be a trainwreck but also because I'm interested in sex addiction. Why don't they have more sex addicts on Intervention?

DianaCLT

Oh my! The commentary - both in the blog, itself, as well as in response to it - have given me the LOLZ! Thanks, everybody!

I forgot to watch the premiere. Thank the network gods, it'll be on 8 kajillion more times before the next episode. My DVR is set!

baltimoregal

Every time I think Dr. Drew is just going too far on this whole TV kick he is so caring and real with a patient he makes me want to cry. This show will either be great or the end of the world.




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