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Your Day In Edwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard: Shilling For Volvo

Edward cullen Hello, darlings. Have you not gotten your Edwaaaaaaaard fix today? Well, I bring you something that is most curious, and even weirder than the Hot Topic crap that features Edwaaaaaaard's name these days. Hey 15-year-olds! You wanna buy a car?

I speak, of course, of this Volvo commercial.

I'll give y'all a moment to process that.

What DRIVES EDWARD? Um, dirty. Also? I had to go back and check the books to see that Edwaaaaaaaaaard really did drive a Volvo. So safety-conscious. What a drip. So yeah, Edward DOES drive a weenie Volvo (Hey, y'all, before you compose the hate letters? I drive a KIA. So I have no room to mock ANYTHING, other than the fact that this is my column, neener) and safety is apparently his first concern, even though he has made it clear that he cannot be killed in a mere car accident. Anyway.

Who, exactly, is this spot catering to? It certainly can't be the 15-year-old fan contingent, for several reasons, which I will list here:

1. No 15-year-olds are getting a brand new Volvo, at least, not in my reality.
2. No 15-year-old is going to be a-crawling on her/his knees to beg for a freaking Volvo.
3. Even the fact that Edwaaaaaard drives a Volvo does not make it any less weenie.
4. I, as the 32-year-old contingent would LOVE a Volvo, which makes it deeply uncool.
5. IT'S A VOLVO. Clearly Stephenie Meyer had something that requires antibiotics when she made this distinction.

So is Volvo catering to the older female audience (WE ARE LEGION) in this commercial? Would vampires really drive a Volvo? Are there any fans that are SO INSANE that they would buy an AUTOMOBILE based on Twilight alone? You know what? Don't answer that. I'm scared already.

Speaking as someone who bought the face-sparkle powder at Hot Topic, I have absolutely no room to talk. But somewhere out there, are there teenagers crawling on their knees to receive a Volvo for their 16th birthday so they can be closer to Edwaaaaaaaaaaard? I'm sure there are. And that gives me a shiver.

So I asked my beloved Snarky Amber to proof this article and she assured me that the Volvo in question is NOT weenie. But you know what? That doesn't take away from the fact that the Twilight phenomenon has gone forth to sell CARS. If your 15-year-old says "Um, like, Edwaaaaaaard drives this car and even though he's fictional and the Volvo is fictional, you must buy me one to match all the fan fiction I write." and you comply? You have BRAIN FEVER. 

So it comes down to the Twilight Moms. And if it makes you feel young and undead at heart to buy a Volvo and smugly think that this is what Edwaaaaaaaaaaaaard drives, GO FOR IT. I just think the commercial is hilarious. 

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Oh, my dear. The Twi-moms are already lining up and fantasizing about accidentally touching Edward's hand when they reach for the heat control. Not that Edward would ever let, I mean, make a lady drive.


yeah, I'm almost positive that is what he drove. he got her some ridiculous armored Mercedes way later on. but, yeah, he drove a Volvo.

Robin (noteverstill)

ha! This article is awesome. My boyfriend from when we were in 9th grade is actually now the ad guy responsible for this commercial. He posted the campaign on Facebook - he's a good guy but I didn't really understand it at all.


I saw that and couldn't believe it. Still don't.
Vampire does not equal Volvo.


My husband watched the commercial, turned to me and said, sadly, "But...I kind of wanted that car." Not that we're buying a car any time soon, but if we were, they just convinced him to buy a Subaru instead.


My husband watched that commercial, then turned to me and said, sadly, "But...I kind of wanted that car." If we were buying a car soon (we're not, but if we were), Volvo successfully convinced us to buy a Subaru.


And I commented twice. I'm clearly awesome.


I saw that commericial for the first time this weekend and said, "They have got to be kidding?"

Also, in the hippie new england states nothing is more bad ass as a teenager than driving one of those older, boxy Volvos... at least that's how it was 12 years ago.

Oh My God I'm old.


Anyone who knows anything knows REAL vampires drive motorcycles.

Thank you 'The Lost Boys'.


I saw this last night and my husband and I sat there and gaped at one another in silence for about 5 minutes.


I was too embarrassed to go to the movie, or to persuade my husband to Netflix it. But I watched the commercial twice.


LOL, we got our Volvo back before I'd read Twilight, but I would be lying if I didn't squee a little over Edward having the same taste in cars as we did.

Ok, maybe not a full on SQUEE! but a little mental high five at least.


Um....what happened to vampires turning into bats and FLYING to their next destination?

Damnit - now there's going to be vampire obesity, too. Get off yer sparkly asses in the cushy bucket seats and do what you're made to do!


I drove a Volvo in high school... It was indestructible!

Petit Elefant

Um, for the record? I'd kill to drive a Volvo! They're good cars yo. Not because the hotness that is Edward drives one and it's beautiful. It's about the safety of my children. {wink}


Why yes, I am waiting for the next puzzle. I want a Volvo.

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