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Nine Reasons I Am Not Going to See "New Moon" in the Theater

Twilight_new_moon_teaser_movie_poster I admit it. I read all four Twilight books. In fact, I read them all consecutively barely reading "The End" before I had the next one in my hand. I saw Twilight in the theater. It was the only movie I saw in a theater in 2008, but I am not going to see New Moon on the big screen. You want to know why?

1) Kristen Stewart.

It was fine when I had only seen her in Twilight, but then I saw Adventureland and I call shenanigans. FLIPPING YOUR HAIR DOES NOT EQUAL ACTING.


Nor does biting your lip.

Biting lip_kristen-stewart 

Until K-Stew gets a new facial expression I am not paying to see one of her films in a theater.

2) The previews make me dizzy.

Holy mother of God, Chris Weitz. Hold the frigging camera still for five seconds.

3) Taylor Lautner's new body makes me feel like a pedophile.


Um. Hi Taylor's Mom.

4) The fight scenes look kind of lame.

5) I don't have a babysitter.

That one is self-explanatory.

6)The Volturi were miscast.

I read the book and I was expecting something more along the lines of this


or this


but instead they look like this


and this

Picture 8

7) I'm not buying the werewolves.

Come on! It is 2009. You can't make a better werewolf than that? Michael Jackson was a better werewolf than that in 1983.

Well, okay, maybe not better, but still...

8) Robert Pattinson isn't in it enough.

Go Team Edward!

9) I have Netflix. 

If I wait for a couple of months my mailman will bring it to me and I don't even have to leave my house.

. . . . .
Goon Squad Sarah spends her mornings in coffee shops doing Google Image Searches for vampires and werewolves hoping to God that the gentleman next to her isn't trying to figure out what the hell she is doing over there.

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I feel like a pedophile too. I saw the movie the other night and there is one scene where he removes his t-shirt and the whole audience started snickering (an audience of middle aged women).
You also missed that the music is pretty contrived and over the top. After the 4th or 5th emo song, you get the point, but then there are 8 or 9 more emo songs to listen to.


He's 17. In real life. It was when I found that out that I realized I was the equivalent of those creepy old dudes who had the countdown clock for the Olsen twins to turn 18.

Also, he was Shark Boy, of Shark Boy and Lava Girl, and my 10 year old nephew loved that movie... that pretty much killed it for me.


Go see it! No, really! GO NOW. Principles and standards are all well and good and everything, but they pale (get it!) next to the fact that ROBERT PATTINSON TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF. And that's all kinds of yummy in a pale, anemic Brit-boy kind of way.

Is it cheesy? Yes, but so is the source material. Is it well acted? Not particularly, but it's 10 times better than Twilight. Are there countless flaws? Oh heck yes, but no one utters the words "spider monkey" and that makes it ok in my book. Is it worth the favors you will have to promise your husband so that he will babysit? I vote yes. If for nothing else than to be 18 again for 2 hours.


another good reason to wait for Netflix... my friend went and apparently, the shrieks of young girls ruined the entire experience.


I saw it, mostly because my SILs wanted to go over Thanksgiving. Let me just say one thing. There is a scene in the meeting with the Volturi where Edward is shirtless. MUST BE SEEN ON THE SCREEN and I don't even like Pattinson, at least I didn't. That scene is the whole reason I went back again when someone else wanted to go. Otherwise, meh, get the dvd. And close your eyes when she lays down in the woods and when she's sitting in her room after he leaves. The spinning is awful.
I don't mind Taylor, he's got a lovely body but it doesn't make anything tingle. His still being a kid is set out pretty well in the movie.


It’s worth the price of admission to see Jacob sans shirt. Also I thought the fight scenes were pretty good. I watched Twilight again the other night *NERD ALERT* and New Moon is in a whole different category of awesome. Twilight the movie seems almost like a spoof of the book.


I LOVED the movie!! I am one of "THOSE" people. You know, the C R A Z Y people that were at the 12:01 showing the night it opened.


Oh, and Stephanie's right about the shrieking girls. Go during the day.


As per the first comment, I was one of the women snickering when Jacob takes his shirt off. If she was referencing the first time it happened, though, it wasn't because I thought he was hot. It was because it was such an obviously contrived reason for the poor boy to strip for horny middle aged women! Way earlier than necessary to the plot. My laugh was more of a "pffffffff. Could they possibly have made that any LESS smooth?"

I read the books but the movies are a pretty good joke. Someone else paid for me to go with a group of girlfriends or I would have been redboxing it like I did with the first one. Don't bother. It's mostly just an attempt to appease obsessive fans with half naked boys.


hmmmm... did I just piss off a bunch of obsessive fans who like half-naked boys?

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yeah, i totally watched Adventureland the other night with my husband, and she pretty much ruined the movie for us. That and the fact that it was about a kid who had just graduated from college.

COLLEGE?!?!?!? no one is that lame after four years of college. not one. single. person.


I won't see it because every time I hear the title of the movie, I have Duran Duran dancing around in my head for hours afterwards.

It's very wrong.


For a series of books which makes sex seem even more taboo than the Bible, the movies appear to be all about SEX! I read the books but after the first more out of cultural curiosity than interest (flame suit on). I took my 16 year old niece to the first movie and promised I'd take her to the others if I was in the country. Oh thank goodness for being on the other side of the world.

Oh and 2 movies for the final book? Please. I thought they needed to make one movie for books 2 and 3.


I almost needed a Ritalin to sit through this whole movie.
I don't like Kristen Stewart. I don't like Robert Pattinson. Why did I even go?
Oh, because the day before, I was sitting in the same movie theater watching 2012 and with 15 monutes left of the movie, it stopped. Just. STOPPED. Yes, people freaked out and said "It's the end of the world!"
So the nice people at Regal Cinema gave us free tickets. WIN!
Now I can't get that goddamn Thom Yorke song out of my head.


I honestly think this was the worst movie I have ever seen in a movie theater. I haven't read any of the books and only went because it was a friend's birthday wish. My boyfriend and I only made it through because we went to a movie theater with a bar and could snicker about the movie to each other. Long, boring, horribly acted. Jacob may have hot abs, but his face is not cute. and he has that sloped-shoulder thing that I don't like. And Edward is not attractive, either.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

Shark Boy and Lava Girl came on tv last night and I spent all night hating myself. He is just a child!

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

@Arwen so too much emo music ad shrieking? Sounds like a slumber party.

Sent from my iPhone


I'm one of those people just waiting for Taylor Lautner to turn 18 so I can lust after him without being a pervert. He. Is. HOT.

(hi, Taylor's Mom.)

But yeah, while I did go to "Twilight" at the midnight show, I can wait for this one to come out on DVD.

Average Jane

I hadn't been planning to see it in the theaters, but then my husband actually suggested that we go - on our anniversary - and, well, how could I say no?

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

@averagejane That is how I saw Twilight in the theater!

Sent from my iPhone


But my 16-year-old niece said it's way better than the first movie.

(Doesn't really trump even one of your reasons - but I thought it was funny.)


ewww you make me sick. your reasons are so pathetics. i can't believe you wasted your time to make this crap. we don't give a shit about what you think. don't go to see , nobody will miss you there
kristen 's perfomance in aventureland had been praise by all credible reviews and the film is among the 10 best movies in 2009 by the new york times. so keep your opinion in your.... dumbass

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I agree! That picture makes me feel like a pedophile as well! I wish he would put a shirt on... Kind of. ha! And my number one reason for not seeing this in theatre-- I wanted to cry in my house by myself and not hear a lot of teenage girls talking the whole time! Two reasons is enough-- I can wait till it comes out on video.

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