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10 Reasons Polygamy Is The Way, As Informed By My Engaged Viewing Of Big Love

Big_love Me and my wife don't smoke crack so we watch TV on DVD, compulsively. Like, just one more before bed. Please baby. One more episode. That kind of thing. So anyway, we recently started watching Big Love and I can't stop thinking about having sex with a bunch of women and having it sanctioned by my religion. Because, obviously, that would rock the house.

Before I say anything, first, I need to make a plea to the Big Love writers. Please. Just please. Find a reason for Bill Henrickson to say "You're stewed, buttwad". It would mean so much to so many people.

*

So anyway, I'm watching this show with my lovely wife, who, if given the chance, I would undoubtedly make First Wife, and my head is aflame with reasons why Bill Henrickson is a genius and polygamy is awesome (undoubtedly, the profoundest and most accurate model for the way God wants us to be). So here's why.

1). Jesus was a polygamist. I read this somewhere.

2). Let's stop beating around the bush. You get to have sex with more than one woman. I don't mean this so much for me of course. I mean for guys like Tiger Woods. Hold on.

Robert_downey_jr

Honey, look!

[Dudes Only Brackets. No, seriously, dudes, how awesome would that be? Here's what I'm thinking. Say you have three wives. They would of course contrast with one another and, by virtue of this contrast, you would be more conscious of the distinctions between them. The background of other women would make you more aware of each particular woman. So you could love and appreciate them MORE than is even possible with one woman. One woman, with no one to contrast her with, fades into a weird kind of not being able to truly notice her. Except my wife. My wife's only flaw is that she reads inside brackets clearly marked for DUDES ONLY. Anyway, dudes, beyond all that mumbo jumbo I just used to distract the women, how awesome would it be to have a bunch of houses with a bunch of wives who are always horned up because they have to wait their turn for a crack at you and the other wives make them all self conscious about their performance so they amp everything up to porno proportions? If there's a downside to this setup, I'm completely blinded to it.]

3). There's always a sitter. And before all the women readers get worked up about this being SEXIST or something, I mean there's a sitter for the wives too. Let's say all my wives want to go to see a movie that I think looks totally stupid. I'm there to watch the kids. Obviously, the more wives you have, the more opportunities you have for different combinations of adults to go out and have fun while one gets screwed. I especially like the idea of having a different house for each wife. Because let's be honest. I LOVE playing with my kids. Briefly. So we could play a game of Candy Land or goof around a little and then I'd be able to say "Hey kiddos! Why don't you go see what your other Moms are doing?" And vice versa. No matter who you are, kids can wear you down. More spouses, more places to banish them.

4). Have you seen Salt Lake City? Gorgeous.

5).The wives could process their days and feelings WITH EACH OTHER! Listen. John Gray proved in 1992 with hard science that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. We're different. These differences create a lot of conflict. Women need to end their days with endless narratives about what happened to them and how they feel about it, which makes men ache for early death. In a polygamous situation, the wives could process together and be good listeners for one another while I spent the evening thinking about nothing. Seriously, ladies, that's why men look so blank. They're trying to not think about anything. If my wife didn't talk to me, I'd be a fucking Zen master or some crazy shit like that.

6). It's feminism. It seems to me that most women I know always come around to saying the same thing, that they're better at making friends with males than females. The reason for this is simple. Women are kinda bitchy. Am I wrong? Then yell at me. It's not like I think it's inherently true. It's culturally conditioned or some other reason that displaces blame. Anyway, if there's a bunch of wives in the same family, it's unavoidable that the women are going to have to buckle down and find new and improved ways to get along. If you really want to empower women, you need to help promote and strengthen female friendships. Polygamy is a step in that direction. Also, this made a lot more sense in my head than my prose seems to articulate.

7). It takes a village to raise a child. The practice of polygamy is a way to move the family into its very own form of villageification.

8). Family life is rife with problems. Four (or nine) heads are better than two. Common sense.

9). See #2. It's a biggie. Psychoanalysis teaches us that sex serves as the unconscious motivation beneath a large portion of what occurs to us as thought and decision making, no matter what we want to believe within the feeble arena of conscious thought.

10). More People, more love. In a world where pessimism prevails and resentment is the norm, who can argue with restructuring the institution of marriage to allow for MORE and BIGGER love? Open your minds, haters!







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Comments

Solmaz

I am not sure what is allowed in these comments but in the spirit of not taking it too siriously: Go &@#! yourself.

ljpock

I would also like to make the plea to the writers to have Bill say "We're all gonna die man."

I love this show and all the bat-shit craziness that runs rampant.

I think I could be down with the polygamy if it meant that I could trade other chores so I never had to clean ever again.

sweetsalty kate

Still laughing at the dudes-only brackets.

sweetsalty kate

And also, Solmaz - I think the whole point is that BHJ does not particularly want to go and fuck himself, given a god-ordained choice. I think what he's saying is that polygamy opens up a bounty of Not-Himself horizons.

Besides. Big Love is totally hot. Except for the guns and the backwoods communes and the sanctioned godly long underwear and the arranged marriages of 14-year-olds to 60-year-old perverts. Whatever. Hot.

Erin

I am your biggest fan, BHJ. I'd say "I love you, BHJ," but I don't want to creep you out, and even though I love you, I don't want to be one of your wives. I just love listening to you talk about whatever you're talking about.

Solmaz

I understand BHJ's view completely (maybe too much) What made me angry is that the this post suggests women don't appreciete variety and quality and quantity in thier sex life.

Fairly Odd Mother

I read the Dudes Only bracket too.

My concern would be that, once I was trapped in a polygamous relationship, the guy would get all gross and lazy and dis-gust-ing. Could all the sister-wives then come together to bury him in the backyard? If so, I'd consider it.

Me

You had me at Robert Downey Jr without a shirt.

Renee

I didn't read the Dudes Only Bracket, because I'm not a dude. I guess that makes the rest of you "Dudes-Only-Bracket-Readers-Who-Aren't-Dudes" total DUDES. Good luck becoming a sister-wife with a penis, dude.

sweetsalty kate

I just switched sides.

GO SOLMAZ.




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