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Celebrating the Holidays With A Trip To Hell: Liveblogging the Sex and the City Movie

Sex_and_the_city Tonight, I discovered that love means sacrifice.Sacrificing my dignity. Sublimating my masculinity. Shredding any sense of self-respect I may once have had. Why? Because I agreed to watch the Sex and the City movie with my wife via the magic of On Demand. And because I have a post due on MamaPop... I'm sharing my pain with you. Proceed with caution.

* Unexpectedly, the movie opens with the SATC girlz reuniting and instantaneously launching into the SQUEEEEEEEE!!! thing. And by unexpectedly, I mean expectedly.

• My testicles are suddenly retreating into my body. I think it's a defensive reaction.

• Sarah Jessica Parker is apartment hunting with her boyfriend "Big." I can only presume this name refers to his height. 

• They walk into a penthouse that I can only presume costs somewhere in the $6 million range. "If you want it, it's yours" Big announces. I'm realizing: these are the people in the Lexus commercials who gift one another with new LS460s with big red bows on the top.

• SJP tells her friends about the penthouse, in much the same way that I'd tell my friends that I picked up a new CD the previous weekend. Then they go to a Christie's auction where the slutty one bids some ungodly amount of money on what I can only call a profoundly ugly-ass piece of jewelry. "We're rich and we love sex!" they scream at each other. Or something. I'm not sure. I think I'm starting to lose consciousness.

• Big nonchalantly asks SJP to marry him. She shrugs her shoulders. Well, that was magically romantic.

• SJP just announced to her friends in a crowded restaurant that she and Big got engaged. SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!

• (Testicles retreating defensively yet again)

• Wedding plans. Lots of SQUEEEEEEing over cell phones.

• Now SJP is going in to her job. At Vogue. BECAUSE SHE IS VERY IMPORTANT AND WORKS IN FASHION.

• Hey, is that... OH MY GOD. Candice Bergen. I just flipped past you last night in Miss Congeniality. Sweet mercy, that transition was not kind to you.

• Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand extended dance remix montage sequence featuring every fucking designer in the world offering SJP her choice of wedding dresses. SJP appears to be wearing a paper bag that somebody splatted paint on. It's like a fabric Jackson Pollock painting, if Jackson Pollock had been a poo-flinging monkey.

• My wife yelled at me when I checked and discovered that this movie is 151 minutes long. 2 and a half fucking hours. Odds of me swallowing my tongue before this is all over — 3:1.

• SJP is planning her wedding. Apparently it's going to be completely fucking spectacular, in keeping with every fucking aspect of her fucking life.

• Meanwhile, whatshername the angry red haired woman is fighting with her husband. Apparently, they're stressed out by being parents to a young boy. I can't imagine how that feels. First they fought in a restaurant; now they're fighting while having sex. And then they made me look at his naked ass walking away while they finished their fight. Is it too much to ask for my ceiling to collapse on us right now?

• I've been informed the red haired woman is named Miranda. She's bitter and unhappy. Hooray: this movie has just made me even more miserable.

• Aaaaaaaaand they're making sex jokes in a restaurant. Bad sex jokes. For the record: sex can be very funny. And yet, they're making me hate it.

Dear God: they're making me hate sex AND jokes.

• Apparently Big has a name. It's John. Good choice, SATC writers — that makes him even less dynamic a character.

• More naked man butts. In related news, I'd like to retroactively never have been born.

• Big... pardon me: John... unveils SJP's new closet in their insane new apartment. It's approximately the size of my entire fucking house.

• And they're SQUEEEEEEEING... and putting on another extended dance music/fashion scene in which they show off how fun-loving they are. My wife: "Okay... even I have to admit this kind of sucks."

* A couple of scenes featuring Charlotte. She seems out of place here; like she dropped in from another, potentially more interesting movie. I feel bad for her.

• Group hug. Aaaaaaaand up comes my dinner.

• Miranda and her husband scene. "I had sex with someone else," he explains as she unpacks groceries. Outstanding: let's add MORE misery to this movie.

• Charlotte sex scene. I feel slightly better.

• Now SJP and her Big... um... whatever... are fighting. It dawns on me: this movie is about relationships. It's not a comedy: it's a film where people learn things, and talk about their feelings, and grow as people. It's the anti-Armageddon.

• Another completely fucking depressing Miranda/now-estranged husband scene. In the middle of SJP's engagement party. It's like they're going out of their way to make her as unpleasant as possible. As it happens, its working. Capital job, filmmaking people.

• Remember when Chris Noth was a good actor, capable of doing interesting things on-screen? That feels like a long time ago.

• SJP just walked into the room in her wedding... thing. There appears to be a dead peacock on her head.

• Coming into the big wedding. Big is having doubts. Aaaaaaand he's standing her up! Love is dead! A slow motion shot of a cell phone sliding down a bizillion dollar wedding dress! SJP is emoting! This is her Oscar-winning dramatic scene! She's acting her brains out! Meanwhile, her makeup remains perfect.

• In the midst of the big scene... Charlotte waves her finger and says, "No! No!" It's BY FAR the most legit-feeling moment in the entire film. All the other actresses are pretending not to be jealous of Charlotte's ability to actually... uh... act.

• Then again, I may have a pro-Charlotte bias.

• Fuck it: I'm pro-Charlotte. Can I have the All-Charlotte edition of this movie, please?

• Later, Miranda reveals to Charlotte that the fact that the wedding fell apart was all her fault. And now they're in Mexico. I'm not sure how the two scenes fit together.

• I may have lost consciousness. With any luck, at least a half hour passed between scenes.

• SJP appears to be in mourning for her lost... marriage? Wedding? Something. You can tell because she's not wearing makeup. That means she's serious, and possibly capable of feeling.

• Dear God: whatever sins I may have committed to lead me to this particular juncture in my life? I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

• Um... there appears to be a long and detailed discussion happening about Miranda's... um... waxing situation. Death cannot come quickly enough.

• And now they're back in New York. Is that... wait, is Jennifer Hudson in this movie? Did someone change channels on me? I'm so confused.

• Charlotte's pregnant! Which makes perfect sense, because it's been almost 20 minutes since something pointlessly dramatic happened. That's always a sign of good writing.

• Blah blah blah. Things happening. Not caring.

• Remember life before this movie started? Before I lost the capacity for hope? I miss those times.

• Dogs in costumes. Wow. This seemed like a good idea at what point in the film making process?

• SJP as brunette: a step in the right direction. Just sayin'.

• SJP almost just hugged Jennifer Hudson. Aaaaaaaand just as quickly we take two steps back.

• You know what else moves one step forward and then recedes two steps? Glaciers. I offer you this gift of metaphor in the true holiday spirit: enjoy.

• In related news, SJP just gave Jennifer Hudson a Louis Vuitton purse. She's SQUEEEEEEEEing with glee. In news related to the related news, I'm pretty sure that's the ugliest fucking thing I've ever seen.

• I think I just saw a schlong.

• Somewhere in the course of this movie SJP upgraded from a black MacBook to a silver MacBook. I'm not sure what that means, beyond the fact that I'm so desperate to find something to relate to in this movie that I'm paying muuuuuuuch too much attention to the one element that SJP's life shares with my own.

• Not that we have to have shared elements in our lives to make me interested. For example, I don't have any Wookiees in my life, but that's never stopped me from enjoying Star Wars.

• Back to another loooooooong montage/music scene, this one featuring an extremely depressing acoustic version of Auld Lang Syne, featuring all the SATC characters in varying stages of misery.

• Aaaaaaaaaand now it's fashion week. They're sitting in little white chairs watching fashion week. SJP is wearing... actually, I don't know what the hell she's wearing. I don't even know how to describe it. It's black and white and there are feathers and... are there people who actually think this is a good idea?

• I'm sorry: which circle of hell is this, exactly? I've lost track.

• I think I passed out for a while. Is it Christmas yet? Did Santa come? Oh, wait. The fucking movie is still on. That said, the slutty one is lying on a table and is wearing strategically-placed sushi. At least that's kind of interesting.

• Meanwhile, my wife informs me that Miranda just told SJP that it's her fault that SJP's wedding fell apart. Or something. Apparently, now they're broken up. Or something. I'm not even capable of pretending to care anymore.

• Trying to swallow my tongue. It's not working.

• Realizing that Jennifer Hudson - along with Charlotte's adopted daughter - is the only person in this 14-hour movie who isn't white. I'm not sure what that means, but I...

• JESUS CHRIST MIRANDA SEX SCENE oh sweet mercy... I should have just killed myself before the movie started.

* Baby shower. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEing. And now they're talking about relationships. In Armageddon, they just blew things up. I miss movies where things blow up.

• Voila: Charlotte had a baby. After running into Big. I can only hope this is setting up the big finale, in which SJP and Big have their showcase showdown. Not because I care, but because that would mean I could go to bed. Or die. Honestly, I'm good with either option at this point.

• And shoes bring SJP and Big back together. Of course.

• I hate everything and everyone right now.

• Oh. My. God. It's not over. There's more SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEing going on. And crappy disco music.

• THIS MOVIE WILL NOT FUCKING END. 

• And then: it ends.

• My wife: "We can watch that again, if you want."


. . . . .
TwoBusy weeps for the man he once was.






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Comments

ljpock

LMAO!!!! Although I admit that I was entertained by the movie, you sir are a brave soul for sitting thru it.

KimAZ

Best. Recap. Evar.
Hate the show.
Hate every character.
Couldn't be paid enough to sit through the movie.

JellyBean

I agree that this is best recap ever. I loved SATC show but felt mediocre about the movie. No way it could be enjoyed though by anyone who didn't follow the series. Also, he is called Big b/c in the series his name was keep quiet b/c he was a big time mover & shaker in NY & very rich. So since she writes a column, she referred to him as Mr. Big, not a physical reference. Then it became an ongoing gag and no one knew his real name until the end of the series when they revealed it as John.

DianaCLT

...what KimAZ said...

tonya

Seriously - best recap ever! I did enjoy the series, enjoyed the movie less. I viewed it more as a big bloated episode rather than a movie. Convinced the 2nd movie will be even worse.

I guess for our sake I kinda hope you are forced to watch it if only for the recap. But not sure your balls will be able to handle that.

Jannabee

"They walk into a penthouse that I can only presume costs somewhere in the $6 million range. "If you want it, it's yours" Big announces. I'm realizing: these are the people in the Lexus commercials who gift one another with new LS460s with big red bows on the top."

You are so fucking right, it hurts. Thanks for the laugh.

Sweetney

I'm a little in love with you, you know.

Angela

You forgot the part where Charlotte Poughkeepsied in her pants!

Hilary

This movie came out over a year ago - not really sure why it's being recapped here- esp. since I am certain it already has been... Not sure where all the hate comes from - it's not like anyone forced you to watch the movie. Just saying.

Mrs Chaos

Holy shit that was awesome. I was more entertained by your recap than the actual movie. (And I don't exactly hate the movie.)

So damn funny.

Rachel

So damn funny. Well played, sir. I can never get through the whole movie b/c the product placement and bad acting just hurt, so much. Miranda was much cooler on the show. I wonder if Cynthia got too uppity with her Broadway career and SJP wanted her destroyed? If Charlotte is the only tolerable character, something is very amiss.

Jett

Convulsing. Patients think I am teh nuts0rs.

You are the mad hatter, and I am glad to be at your tea party.

Sonia

Just peed a 'lil! Lmao! I loved the show, liked the movie, but your recap is Teh Awesome!!

TwoBusy

@ljpock To be clear, it was a melange of bravery and profound laziness that got me through it.

@KimAZ And now you don't have to, because you've lived it vicariously through me. Such is the magic of MamaPop.

@JellyBean I'm still bitter it's "John." Seriously. They couldn't have resolved it with "My god... his real name is Magnus!" or something similar?

@DianaCLT Glad you enjoyed it. (The recap; not the movie.)

@Tonya I guess I'll feel kinda obligated to sit through SATC 2: Electric Bugaloo at some point. In keeping with my timely and cutting edge commentary, you can expect that post about two years after the movie is actually released.

@Jannabee You're quite welcome.

@Sweetney (blushes)

@Angela I think I was trying to block that part out, although the Po'Town shoutout was nice.

@Hilary Thanks for reading. I actually answered a couple of those questions in my brief intro, but to reiterate: I actually WAS forced to watch it - by my wife - and the reason I recapped it was because I had a post due and... well... why did you climb that mountain? Because it was there. As for the hate, I think I delivered a fairly comprehensive explanation for why I found the movie so thoroughly terrible. You may choose to disagree, of course - that's one of the beautiful things about pop culture; every opinion can be a valid one - but I stand by my reaction to it. Fair enough?

@Mrs Chaos Hey! Thanks for stopping by, and glad you enjoyed the recap.

@Rachel YES! My god, the product placement. I didn't talk about that at all, but that was so blantant and grotesque... I'll consider that yet another reason why everyone involved in making this movie should be clubbed like a baby seal. I also really like your theory about the abject unlikeability (is that a word) of the Miranda character being a reflection of SJP's jealousy over Cynthia's on-stage success. I don't have the faintest clue if that's true, but the idea that behind the scenes these SQUEEEEEEEing actresses might actually harbor deep and profound antipathy? That makes me happy.

@Jett BWAHAHAHAHAHA

@Sonia Sorry. Hope your detergent gets everything clean.

your neighborhood librarian

Perversely, now I want to see it. Like I had to watch Pride and Prejudice (and laugh all the way through it) after I read Pride & Prejudice & Zombies.

Suzy Q

SQUEEEEEE! That was for your recap, not the movie. Which sucked donkey's ass.

Can't wait for Part 2. Maybe that's when they'll give each other the new Lexuses they so richly deserve. Or perhaps, Miranda will have waxed. I'm falling asleep with anticipation!




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