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Friday Combo Platter: Nora Ephron's Armageddon Edition

Friday_combo_platter  This week's email thread was born out of Thanksgiving-centric stress and it's kind of long, but brilliant. Grab a cup of coffee and feast your eyes on this... 

Palinode: This week: Q: What's your favourite bad movie? Answer by Tuesday and I'll be able to splice in clips from some of said movies.

SnarkyAmber: Question: Is Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion a bad movie? No seriously, is it?

Palinode: That is a terrible movie. But it's enlivened by an effortless explanation of Post-it note glue and an interpretive dance sequence. Actually, that was a pretty good movie. It still qualifies, though.

She Likes Purple: Mine has Melissa Joan Hart in it. Ooooh, yes. I bet you're excited now.

SnarkyAmber: This is really hard. SO MANY POSSIBILITIES.

Sweetney: Umm, can you say "Ver-sasse"?

SnarkyAmber: Oh, Showgirls MUST be in it. But I think I have to go with Hackers.

Miss Banshee: Do Lifetime movies count? Because they should.

Palinode: Lifetime Movies are made for this.

She Likes Purple: Mother, May I Sleep with Danger was just on today. I know this only because someone told me. Or was it because I watched it in its entirety? I can't remember.

Karen Sugarpants: Mine is and will always be The Big Lebowski. Dude. If that doesn't qualify as bad, then Bring It On.

Goon Squad Sarah: THERE IS NOTHING BAD ABOUT THE BIG LEBOWSKI. Nothing. That movie is great.

Motherbumper: The Big Lebowski is NOT a bad movie. NOT.

SnarkyAmber: Yeah, The Big Lebowski is NOT a bad movie. It is a fantastic movie.

Palinode: Example of bad movie: Deep Blue Sea. Example of great movie: The Big Lebowski

Karen Sugarpants: I googled bad movies and it came up. Anyway, Bring It On then. That'll be my pick. Holy. Jump the hungover girl why dontcha?  ;)

Goon Squad Sarah: Yeah, no fair cheating and acting like a good movie is a bad movie so you look cool. I have two. One has Kirk Cameron in it, so you KNOW it is a bad movie.

Goon Squad Sarah: Bring It On is good too. You got a hold of a list of lies.

Palinode: Bring It On! That's a good bad movie.

Adam P. Knave: Is Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter a bad movie? I mean, I'm on the fence, here.

TwoBusy: I'm so far beyond offended that Aidan called Deep Blue Sea a bad movie that I don't even know what to do with myself. It has a mutant shark eating a parrot. LET'S SEE SCORCESE BEAT THAT, MOTHERFUCKERS.

kdiddy: Just submitted my roundtable answer. Though I forgot to mention that my pick (Armageddon) features my favorite action movie cliche of all time: a sweaty guy holding a pair of wire cutters in his shaking hands and saying, "Red or blue? RED OR BLUE?"

Sweetney: Hey, ahem, eek, just noticed Kelly and I are the only people to do our videos this week? Hellooooooo [tap tap tap]? P.S. Kelly, i could watch you talk about Armageddon all fucking day.

kdiddy: Good because I could talk about it all fucking day. That was my third take. I wanted to make sure that I adequately expressed my love. 

Goon Squad Sarah: I'm on it in the morning. Gabe has even agreed to make a guest appearance yelling "COOL RUNNINGS." He has seriously watched that movie like 8 times.

Goon Squad Sarah: That should have read 80. Stupid wine.

Palinode: This week's turnout has been pretty low. While I thank everyone who has contributed this week, I need at least a couple more people if we're going to have a proper video. I'll throw in two favourite bad movies for content, but it's variety and participation that really make these things sing.  COME ON PEOPLE, I WATCHED TWENTY MINUTES OFARMAGEDDON. I AM SCARRED.

kdiddy: If you're hurting for content, I can reenact a few scenes. I have Affleck's ugly-cry down pat.

Miss Banshee: I can talk more about Chris Meloni in a wife-beater tshirt and mullet in mine. I can talk FOREVER about The Meloni.

sweatpantsmom: My pick is Drumline, but I don't know if I'll be able to record myself tonight. THIRTY FREAKIN PEOPLE COMING FOR THANKSGIVING. I must lay in a corner and cry now.

Palinode: Oh yeah, Thanksgiving. I should have thought of a Thanskgiving-themed video.  This is what happens when you're a foreigner.

When you're a Foreigner:

- you're as Cold As Ice

- it's Urgent

- you Want To Know What Love Is

- You've Been Waiting

- you're Hot Blooded (Check It And See)

Palinode: Good news everybody! Since Thanksgiving has interrupted everyone's video-making plans, we're skipping this week's extravaganza and giving everyone a chance to fight their way past the hordes of turkey and pumpkin. Please get your videos posted by Tuesday next week.  Same question: What's your favourite bad movie?

kdiddy: My offer to reenact scenes still stands. "Houston, you have a problem. You see, I promised my little girl that I'd be comin' home. Now I don't know what you people are doing down there, but we've got a hole to dig up here!" Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.

TwoBusy: I triple dog dare you to have your family re-enact the "Leaving on a Jet Plane" scene.

Palinode: Can you pull off any one of a series of ridiculous racial caricatures?  That film was an assault on humanity.  Bay was trying to craft an asteroid out of celluloid.

Goon Squad Sarah: I can also do scenes from Flash Gordon if you really need me. My brother will be here on Friday and I can probably get him drunk and talk him into acting with me.

Her Bad Mother: I'm on YET ANOTHER COMPUTER because my child keeps smashing screens and this one's webcam doesn't work. Which sucks, because I was just going to shriek BATTLEFIELD EARTH BATTLEFIELD EARTH at the screen and I was kind of amped to do that.

Palinode: I'd like to see Bay redo one of those porn films that Wood did at the end of his career.  But since we're on the subject, I'd like to see David Fincher do Jail Bait.  You know what would be really strange? If Robert Altman (assuming he were still alive) directed Plan 9.  I picture the camera drifting from the front porch of the hero's house to the graveyard and then to the space ship, with all the dialogue overlapping on the soundtrack.  With a cameo from Burt Reynolds as Burt Reynolds!

Her Bad Mother: That would actually make a good roundtable question, wouldn't it? What's your fantasy movie? Spike Jonze remakes Dirty Harry? Michael Bay remakes Charlie & The Chocolate Factory? Tim Burton does Battlefield Earth, with puppets?

Palinode: Does anyone remember the Michael-Bay-does-Dark-Knight bit that was floating around the internet last year? "We're going to hack the internet". "My god, no one's ever done that before".

Adam P. Knave: YES! That was fantastic! For those that don't know it: http://my.spill.com/profiles/blog/show?id=947994%3ABlogPost%3A355506

Her Bad Mother: Nora Ephron remakes Armageddon? Tarantino remakes Bridges of Madison County? I could do this all day.

motherbumper: Peckinpah does Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants.

Adam P. Knave: Ha! Well I, for one, am still waiting for the Michael Bay Shakespeare series.

Palinode: Nora Ephron's Armageddon (that would be the title). Starring Tom Hanks as a likeable and troubled astronaut. Meg Ryan as a TV journalist. They spend the whole movie not meeting. Then they get together and have a baby, and it's the terrifying lizard baby from the V miniseries.

Adam P. Knave: And then in the sequel the lizard baby is being raised by Guttenberg, Selleck and Goldblum. 3 Men and a Lizard Baby - by Fincher.

Palinode: In Fincher's version, the Lizard Baby keeps beating people up. Eventually you discover that the Lizard Baby is Helena Bonham-Carter.

Adam P. Knave: Who then, bringing us full circle, as Tim Burton picks up the fall for the end of the trilogy, falls in love with a boy. A boy named Kevin GIANTMETEORHANDS.

Palinode: John Waters does Wall-E.


Her Bad Mother: Michael Bay does Up! (shoot that motherfucking balloon house DOWN.)

Aidan Morgan: How about Michael Bay doing Hannah And Her Sisters? I dig ambiguity.

Her Bad Mother: Or Mel Gibson. I'm sure Mel'd LOVE to do Hannah and Her Sisters.

Sweetney: Michael Bay does Ingmar Bergman. Insane Swedes are FUCKING HOT, DUDE.

Her Bad Mother: I shudder to think of the offspring of that union.

Adam P. Knave: I think that love child is called "Carrot Top"

Sweetney: This should tell you something about me: as a teenager, I was obsessed with Ingmar Bergman. I made my parents give me box sets of his films (Criteron, natch) for Christmas. Yeah, I'll let you process that for a while.

kdiddy: David Lynch does A Christmas Story. It's now 6 1/2 hours long, Scott Farkus is actually a woman, and Randy speaks Spanish. And the Old Man just straight up does it with the leg lamp.

Palinode: I think A Christmas Story would have been greatly improved by someone screeching "The spice must flow!"

Adam P. Knave: And by Sting getting his tongue stuck to an ice cold sandworm.

kdiddy: I would ponder an odd movie choice for Tim Burton but that dude seems to just go ahead and make whatever. Maybe he could remake a Judd Apatow movie, replace all of the women with Helena Bonham Carter, and add black and white swirls everywhere.

Jodifur: I'm cooking, and keep checking my laptop to read these emails...My MIL: "are the recipes on your computer?" me: um yeah.

Adam P. Knave: Well. Yes. RECIPES FOR DISASTER! \m/ And now is the time we headbang.


We have two (TWO!) comments of the week this week because you guys were especially brilliant. The first from "b" on More Legal Issues in the Tiger Woods Saga:

"I really feel like making a "LEEEEAAAVVVEEE TIIIGERRR ALOOOOOOOONE" video. Honestly I think a lot of people are making a bigger deal of this than it is b/c there he's so bland. BTW, I've been in a similar situation with my husband where I had a massive meltdown in the middle of the night, but it wasn't because I was mad at him, it was because I had a dream I was going to be pregnant forever. He took off like a bat out of hell, got me some ice cream, and all was right with the world. Wonder what would have happened if we'd had a post or tree in that corner of our yard that he ran over when he left...."

The other comes from Suzy Q on Seasonal Affective Disorder Got You Down Already? Big Love Will Be Here Soon:

"Looks like my favorite polygamous/polyamorous/polyester family is huffing the glue big-time in that trailer. WTF?"

Good work, guys. Have a good weekend!

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You know, I look forward to these every week...more than my favorite tv shows anymore. The details of David Lynch's remake of A Christmas Story made me snort a little coffee out of my nose. Not sure if the tears were directly related to that or the laughter. Thanks!

Suzy Q

I nominate "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls" as the Worst Movie Ever. I would totally win this, too, if any of you even knew what I was talking about. Am old.

Snarky Amber

Suzy, I am well acquainted with both Valley of the Dolls movies, and that one is definitely tops for bad movies that are totally awesome. Roger Ebert wrote the screenplay, too. Oh, Roger: those who can't critique, isn't that right?


Pointbreak. As done by Wes Anderson. And the funny thing is? I'm not sure he'd change all that much. Maybe less Lori Petty?


"Adam P. Knave: And by Sting getting his tongue stuck to an ice cold sandworm."

Only if he's in that thong-thing...


Miss Banshee had BETTER NOT be suggesting that Wet Hot American Summer is a bad movie. Because it is AWESOME in ALL CAPS. Plus exclamation points!!

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