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So I Went And Saw Avatar. Don't Get All Emotional About It.

Avatar-navi-blue-photo1  Heh. Remember on Friday I wrote this post about how I wasn't excited to see Avatar and you were probably all "Way to be predictable and bag on a big holiday blockbuster, Kurt!  Man, for someone so handsome you sure seem a little too wrapped up in your own edgy hipness. Maybe you should be riding around Williamsburg on a fixed gear bicycle and wearing American Apparel and just stick to being a douche bag." Well guess what? I ignored my own advice and went any way. And I think this should teach us all a valuable lesson about not listening to me or maybe "with great power comes great responsibility" or something. 

If you're an adult and you've ever watched a Kevin Costner movie then Avatar is not going to be full of surprises for you. The plot, as seen in every movie ever made ever since they invented eyes, is really just Dances With Wolves, only instead of Native Americans there are blue cat-people and instead of the United States Army there are killer robots, and instead of "ta-tonka" there are weird giant blue space llamas to hunt. Otherwise... same movie. But with animated main characters instead of  much more emotionless Kevin Costner (zing!). And dragons...there were battle dragons too. 

Shit. I think I liked it.

Okay. I'll try to be objective and tell you about the things I didn't like. First of all, there were three different versions of the movie I could have seen: 2D, 3D, and 3D Imax. This may not seem like a big deal but I don't like feeling as though I am a cheapskate for going to a regular movie. And the whole time I was in the 2D version I kept wondering if this would be a cool 3D part or if that part would be good on a screen the size of a football stadium or if maybe the reason my ass felt like it was being gnawed on by a rabid wolverine is because "3D"  is secret code for "Won't ravage your tuckus because the seats are better in this 3D theater." The seats in the 2D theater I was sitting in were like being stabbed with an angry barracuda.

Another thing I had a problem with was that the blue cat-people were supposed to be tribal natives but I didn't get to see any skin. I think we can all agree that if we're in a movie that features indigenous tribes of people living in an obscure corner of the world,then there HAS to be the gratuitous shot of a woman breastfeeding her child or maybe a topless ritual dance of some sort. I mean, how else would I get the impression that these were an "uncivilized people"? You can't just throw a loin-cloth on a blue cat-person and expect me to know they are a pre-technology society, but also oh-so-wise and in tune with mother nature. 

So the lack of blue cat-people boobies was a real let down.

Avatar_movie_03-550x308

 Being Na'vi means never having to say "Can you see my nipples?"

Also, somebody at the animation studio must be getting a kickback for the amount of time they spent flying on dragons, because they really belabored that point. All right already! I get it! They ride dragons. Jeez, you don't have to rub my nose in it. I UNDERSTAND that it's cooler than when your older brother slips you half a joint so you don't tell mom he has to go to the clinic because he caught the clap that one weekend they went to the Catskills for an insurance seminar. I get it. Don't be such a show off. If I was a blue cat-person I would TOTALLY be able to ride a dragon too. Sheesh. You're not special, is my point.

Also also, there were giant floating mountains on this faraway planet the movie takes place on and that's totally cool, because what do I even know about gravity for sure? But if you're going to have floaty mountains up in the sky then they shouldn't all have waterfalls pouring off into empty space, because WHERE the EFF did all that water come from, and how has it not run out yet if the mountains have been floating there for a billion years. I really want to know what kind of magic aquifers are going on in this world. It seriously messed with my suspension of disbelief. I had no problem with giant flying symbiotic space dragons being ridden by mystical blue cat-people, but the water...man WHERE WAS IT COMING FROM??!!

This was an awesome movie. Real entertaining. If you don't like surprises but do like killer special effects and beautiful vistas and sweeping epic stories than this is the movie for you. If you hate being entertained and would rather think about the nature of your own existence or study man's inhumanity to man, then skip this one and just watch Dances With Wolves. It's all about the level of Costner you can handle. My Costner saturation-point time comes in at around 30 seconds.







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Comments

minihays

I loved this movie! It was so entertaining. We saw it in 3D at an IMAX theater and that was the way to go! I would highly recommend it!

Palinode

I'm pretty sure you can see one of Neytiri's nipples during the scene where they're hanging out under a bunch of white glow sticks. As for the waterfalls, I had the exact same question. I think I missed thirty minutes of the movie because I kept thinking about where the water could come from. I concluded that those mountains got a lot of rain.

rkmama

My husband swears he saw nipple. Arguments ensued. Not that he spent the movie looking at CG boobies but that I was looking and I never saw it.

I loved it and was able to stomach everything but the cheesy military dialogue. Oh and the parents that brought their 4-5 year-olds. Not cool.

KBO

I find this to be the seminal review I have read about this movie.

Daddy Geek Boy

Seeing it in giant Imax 3D, I can assure you the Na'vi have very little clothing. (Yes, that sounds creepy when I type it, but you started it.)

Ed Adams

This was the BEST movie about blue cat people who fly dragons that I ever watched an illegal copy on the internet of. Best EVER!

Ed Adams

This was the BEST movie about blue cat people who fly dragons that I ever watched an illegal copy on the internet of. Best EVER!

Lori

I wanted to see it before but now that I know about the dragons and the mysterious water I'm even more excited to go see it.

How will I choose the version though? I didn't know there were choices to be made!!

ali

it was AMAZING in 3D. amazing.

Sherri

3D was the way to go...the depth of image was really cool! AND...the glowing. It was better than that scene in Coraline. It's a shame I didn't have that half a joint before the movie...

I had the same questions about the waterfalls..and I compared it with Dances with Wolves too (how can you not?) but without Costner it was a way better story.

A Vapid Blonde

I would imagine that a 3D IMAX Blue Nipple would be super awesome...or gross. I am off to paint my nipple and see which it is...then I will make my decision about seeing Avatar.

TasterSpoon

The waterfalls, and also for the 90 minutes after the captain (corporal??) mentions the planet's low gravity I wondered why the soldiers weren't leaping around like moonmen.

Didn't want to go, didn't expect to like it. Loved it in 3D.

Holodeck3

Neytiri shows here nipple almost immediately upon appearance. In the scene fighting with the "wild dogs" after she shoots her second arrow she swings the bow around and gives you full view of her left tit.

Lolmasta

Yeah. When Neytiri is showed first, that's when you can see her boob. James cameron in some interview said that he had a part where you could see neytiri's nipple because of a fire-ey background, but because he was going for a PG 13+ film they dulled it, but you can definately see it! There are two other parts where you can see a fine line where the sun don't shine. I think I have a good idea what they might be...

toruk

"""""""""Yeah. When Neytiri is showed first, that's when you can see her boob. James cameron in some interview said that he had a part where you could see neytiri's nipple because of a fire-ey background, but because he was going for a PG 13+ film they dulled it, but you can definately see it! There are two other parts where you can see a fine line where the sun don't shine. I think I have a good idea what they might be...?

Posted by: Lolmasta | January 15, 2010 at 04:04 AM"""""""

Yeah about that fine line where the sun don't shine, i don't believe you. A few inoccent nip slips exspecially since you can barely tell the difference between the male and female navi breasts is acceptable in pg-13. But i don't think they'd have those lines where the sun don't shine in there. If they are, where?, because i certainly don't remember seeing any.

dread fairy

I love how everyone goes on about 'where does the water in the floaty mountains come from!?' Well, there are clouds in the sky, and this thing called precipitation, and thats where water comes from NORMALLY.... gosh I guess it is pretty confusing to ppl who don't understand how OUR earth works much less a fantasy planet...

L.C.

About the water...arrangements have been made.

It bugged me too, the perpetual waterfall from nowhere, so i just pretended it was a Discworld shout out, and got distracted by the next floating rock.




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