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2009 Was Ass-tastic!

2009-sucks-temp The year is almost over and it wouldn't be proper to let 2009 slip away without identifying some of its most hideous trends, colossal mishaps and biggest disappointments. I'm pretty passionate about my list, so look away if you're in a good mood. Without further adieu, let the suckage begin.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm no scrooge. There were plenty of things about 2009 that made me happy. I smile every time I think about Burger King and the 99 cents, Double Cheeseburger or Chevy announcing production on the 2010 Camaro. I even had a wet dream about Sarah Palin back in June. I suppose that counts. But it's just human nature (Michael Jackson R.I.P) for me to dwell on the crappy stuff.                                                                                                                                                                            So here's my shit list:

1. Walt Disney Eats Marvel Comics.

Marvel_disney2


Back in August, media juggernaut, Walt Disney, announced it would buy Marvel Comics for about $4 billion. If that isn't the most disheartening news of 2009, let alone ever, then my perspective on the world is completely skewed. I mean, what kind of a shotgun wedding is this? It obviously made total sense to Disney. They get the greatest content in the universe and some of the deepest characters in the history of publishing but if Mickey Mouse comes within two feet of Wolverine and he doesn't get his big, rodent head sliced clean off, I call bullshit!

2. Kidz Bop Kills What's Left Of The Beatles.

Kidz-bop-beatles-300 

I don't know if Evil has a name but it sure as hell has a sound. This retched, musical franchise was spawned back in 2001 and has been vomiting it's musical bile on the airwaves ever since. If you are a parent and you've turned on the TV in the last 8 years, chances are you've seen this demonic ensemble of soulless, teen, zombies. They cover every shitty song the radio has to offer. But wait! There's more. Now some genius in the marketing department of Kidz Bop inc, suggested the crew cover Beatles songs. That is musical blasphemy. But wait! There's more. Now you can get a double dose of evil when you visit your local McDonald's. Purchase a Happy Meal and you'll find a Kidz Bop CD inside. If that doesn't give you the runs, then I don't know what will. John Lennon must be thinking, "I took a bullet for this?"

3. No Flying Cars?

Flying car 01 What else needs to be said here? It's almost 2010 people. Where are the God Damn flying cars? Seriously, I don't get it. We sent men to the fucking moon over four decades ago. You're telling me we can get a stupid car off the ground. There are birds in South America that could lift a KIA on a bad day. The Jetsons had the prototype figured out when I was a baby. Is nobody paying attention here? How many fruitless new years will pass before I can fly a bad-ass Dodge Challenger to the Hamptons? Maybe Detroit can get to work on that. STAT!

4. Newsboy Hats Are... For Newsboys.

Newsboy hat I guess I can't really pin this hideous, fashion faux pas on 2009. Technically this piece of head trash has been around since the late 19th century. The cap was made popular by Jay Gatsby (see: The Great Gatsby) and widely associated with Newspaper boys back in the day. Now for some reason, everyone and their Mother (literally) is flaunting this butchy, tweed, number. From Guidos to Golfers, it's like the plague. I don't know about you but I haven't seen a Newspaper boy in long time and I'm pretty sure that if I ever see one again, he'll be minus this stupid hat. EXTRA! EXTRA! Read all about it! This hat sucks!

5. American Girl Epidemic.

American girlI am a huge fan of the Science Fiction genre. As a young boy, I was inadvertently exposed to the 1978 remake of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". I have been terrified ever since. Nothing is scarier than the possibility of Aliens cloning our bodies and eventually taking over the earth. But it's just Science Fiction. Right? Apparently not. I am convinced that these otherwise innocent looking pieces of plastic are infiltrating our homes and in turn, our children's brains. They might not hatch from pods but in the end, they will claim our civilization. Not even Donald Sutherland can save us now. Don't say I didn't warn you.

2009, I surrender.


. . . . .
Jason never thought he'd have daughters and now he will always be Out-Numbered.






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Comments

Karen

We were watching Star Trek last night, and during the scene where young Jim Kirk is hotrodding in his stepfather's sports car, and being chased by the futuristic cop on his very cool bike, i turned to my husband and said, "Can I have a hoverbike? Because they haven't made flying cars yet, but i bet a hoverbike would be WAY easier to engineer."

He said, "I'll get right on that."

Sweetney

Frankly, other than necessary winter weather-related ones, I kind of just want all hats to STOP at this point.

Hats: so totally 2008, dude.

LisaB (LadyWanderlust)

Oh, you forgot the damn Snuggies and now they have snuggies for dogs. Give me a freakin' break. How lazy and pathetic has the human race become that we demand blankets with arms/sleeves...for our dogs. Sigh! BTW, Kid Bopz ruins every song it touches. That shit ain't even allowed in my house and my music taste is pretty lame for most hip people's standards!

Gunther

"I don't know if Evil has a name but it sure as hell has a sound." Well if it sounds like evil then it should SOUND like evil. Kids Bop is like kiddy ear crack and it doesn't matter WHAT they're singing. So what if they were covering Warrent, Accept, Wasp, and Maiden instead? Imagine THAT cranking in the minivan! Then, instead of complaining, they could actually sing along when you're screaming Ozzy at the top of your lungs.

[mark]

while not strictly a "newsboy", i have been rocking the Kangol and/or Kangol-style hats since the early 90's, and you can take it when you pry it from my cold, dead....head?




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