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Top Chef Las Vegas Recap: Finale Part 1

Picture 3 Our remaining four heroes have made it to Napa. Ahhhh. Napa. I can smell the rotting grapes. No, really, I was there in October and on the last day I was a little hungover and the smell started really getting to me.  But this isn't about me. This is about Kevin, Jennifer and the Voltaggii, and as we join them, they are waiting for a train.

This is when I find out that there is a facebook page dedicated to supporting Kevin's beard.


...which I immediately became the 2617th fan of.

When the train shows up visibly pregnant Padma with bangs and Michael "Napa Style" Chiarello de-board. It is the Napa Valley Wine Train and the chefs have to get on this train for the Quickfire and cook up something tasty for Mike and Padma. It has to be made of grapes.

Oh! And it is a high stakes Quickfire. Somebody is going to win a car! Sweet.

Jennifer really needs a car. Her car now doesn't even have a CD player so she says that she still listen to mixed tapes she made in high school. If it were me, I'd take my $10,000 gift certificate I won in a previous challenge and buy a damned iPod and a tape player adapter, but I don't know, maybe she already blew the gift card on bandanas or maybe she sold it on eBay for a third of the face value.

They all cooked something with grapes, everything looked lovely and nobody fell down even though they had to cook on a moving train. It was uneventful and even though he was acting like a jerk and they keep showing the clip where Michael says that he cooks Kevin's food on his days off the squirrellier of the Voltaggio brothers won the car.

Picture 9

It is tough to take Michael Chiarello seriously after he acted like such a dick on Top Chef Masters, but he is the judge and all of the yelling at my tv in the entire world can't change that.

Oh! Speaking of people that act like dicks...

Confession: I actually missed the live airing of Top Chef last night because I was eating a Zaytinya. Oh yeah, Mike Isabella's joint. I don't think he reads MamaPop because he didn't come over and spit in my food. He was totally there, but I tried not to make eye contact - just in case. To be totally honest, the food was fantastic. It was really, really nice, it is a beautiful restaurant and our server let us sit at the table for four hours talking. I almost feel bad for calling him Mike the Douche so many times.

But enough about me, let's talk about The Elimination Challenge!

It is grape crushing time in wine country and tonight there is a big party at the winery for the employees to celebrate the end of the season. Our contestants are charged with catering this "Crush Party" for 150 people. Each chef has to cook a vegetarian dish and a meat dish using exclusively locally grown ingredients.

When Tom Colicchio walks into the kitchen things get weird at my house. Remember when I told you that I didn't watch the show last night? That means I had to watch it first thing this morning. That means I was watching Top Chef with my son. We have the following conversation:

Mommy, what is that guy's name?

That is Tom Colicchio.


You mean Jeff?

No, his name is Tom.

Why do they keep calling him Jeff?

They are calling him chef. That is his job, it is his title. He cooks for a living.

Who, Jeff?

His name is Tom. Tom Colicchio. They are saying chef.

Oh. Okay.

Mommy, why is Jeff bald?

Dude, I don't know. Why do I force people to look at this picture of Mattin every week? God works in mysterious ways.


I didn't say that last part. I think what I really said was more along the lines of "Mommy is trying to watch Top Chef" which isn't nearly as funny nor is it particularly good parenting so I think I will now distract you with Gail Simmons' breasts.


Her boobs were EVERYWHERE.

And yes, I just spent 25 minutes taking pictures of my television to get a these pictures of Gail's rack.

Picture 5 

I also blew my deadline while doing so. (Hi Tracey!)

Yeah, you guys are welcome.

Here is the thing, everybody made good food during the elimination challenge. These four chefs are really top notch. It came down to the following four flaws:

  • Jennifer forgot that she had a fire and let it die so her duck didn't end up getting grilled, her dish was also salty.
  • Kevin's brisket was stringy.
  • Michael had some issues with his eggs.
  • Bryan needed salt and pepper.

Other than that there weren't really many complaints. The food was mostly good.  So what do the judges  do?

Commercial Aside: Doesn't "Launch My Line" sound like an euphemism? I am going to say that to my husband when he gets home from work and see what happens, although it would probably be more effective if I had a penis. Not saying my husband is in to that, but my line... you know what I mean.

Bryan wins, but it doesn't appear that he actually won anything except bonus pride. Not that either of the Voltaggio brothers seem to be lacking in that department.

As it turns out, the judges keep all of the boys.

Goodbye Jennifer. I still want to eat your food, and that is NOT a euphemism.


And I am almost positive that Chiarello was hitting on Jennifer. Maybe it was a reverse psychology kind of come on, like he was trying to lower her self-esteem and therefore inhibitions.

Not that I condone that sort of behavior.

Next week is it people, the final finals! (That is unless they do the asshole reunion show first. I hate that!) I am not even going to pretend to be fair and balanced. Go Team Kevin!


. . . . .

Goon Squad Sarah rocks the mic like a vandal.

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I have had Ice, Ice Baby in my head for a year.


Um, where did you get that bare-chested photo of Mikey V? Because, SWOON!

I'm sorry, I know they are editing him to be an ass, but I choose to still love him and root for him because he is HOT. HOT. HOT.


I actually got choked up when Jennifer had to go. I know someone had to, but I really wanted it to be Michael. Sigh.

Also, super cool that Mike the Douche's food was good. Clearly an indication of the caliber of talent this season


More proof that Bravo is messing with me, refusing to oust one of the Voltbags so I remain unable to tell them apart. When Kevin wins, it will only serve to further that annoying goal.

Better word: toothsome or unctuous? (Although I admit: I always thought toothsome meant "good-looking," and I didn't think it had another meaning. I was all "THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT WORD MEANS" and then had to take it back and apologize for being a pompous jackass. But in my defense, I thought the word was used in place of "chewy" rather than "delicious," so, still wrong. God, I'm even boring myself with this comment.)

Oh, and how much shit will Padma get for eating an undercooked egg whilst gestating?


lol. That is all.


I spent 50% of this episode trying to figure out if Gail had gotten herself a new set of bewbs. They were pretty inflated.
Oh, how I miss Northern Virginia because I would so like to go to Mike the Douche's restaurant.
I laughed through Kevin's "ropey" beef because the only time I heard something described as "ropey" was in reference to poop. Am I alone?


Last night when they kicked her to the curb, I was thinking, dam I wish I hadn't told Sarah she could win. Yeah. This is why I'd never bet on anything.

I had a thought that Gail is pregnant. Or was pregnant and had a kid and that's why we didn't see her for a bit. because those are milk boobies all the way.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

@lumpyheadsmom I Didn't even think about that. Raw eggs whilst pregnant is bad.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

@Cristin Ropey poop? Ewwwwwwww.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

@Issa Holy crap! I wonder if she is lactating?


Was it me or did Padma's hormones kick in when she had to tell Jen to go? It seemed like the first time all season she was truly sorry to kick someone to the curb. All the food looked delicious except the weird, "It's a pear it's a turnip" b.s. But now I want to consume lots of wine.

Speaking of which I thought the winery honor was trying to get up the nerve to ask Jen for a date and was thinking, "Wow why is he just standing there grinning." but then I realized who he was and thought, "It's okay then."

And now I'm thinking, "Whoa I use quotes too much online."

This is my first season of Top Chef and I am hooked!


I love that poor Jen drives a Cavalier. I drove an '88 Cavalier for 15 years and I miss it like whoa. Hit a deer at 35 mph and it barely scratched that ghastly paint job! THAT'S a car.

Oh, and WHEN Kevin wins, I will be the happiest of girls, as the Voltaggii are both starting to annoy me.

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