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Apocalypse Man Would Eat Will Smith With Some Fava Beans And A Nice Chianti

Woman1Those who know me enjoy poking fun at my endless fascination with how we're all going to die horribly. Will it be a giant asteroid, a flash ice age, a zombie-plague, a simultaneous failure of all technology, or my personal favorite, a self-awareness fueled robocalypse?

Frankly, the anticipation is killing me.  And while my friends and others have a little fun at my expense, I am now validated by The History Channel's documentary show Apocalypse Man.  Ha.

The episode first appeared during the History Channel's Apocalypse Week on Jan 6, 2010. Its purpose is to teach you and I the ins-and-outs of surviving a post-apocalyptic world.  And the show is full of all sorts of excellent survival information, including the best places to catch and kill other people.  This is not a skill you can learn anywhere, so pay attention.

1rudyreyes For example, survival expert Rudy Reyes advises us that people are our enemy.  You see, when resources become scarce, we'll all become animalistic, killing each other for things like water and string.  So it's well-advised to avoid people, especially if they're zombified. 

Now, he never mentioned any zombie-related survival tips, and to be honest, I find that a little naive.  I would have at least peppered in some zombie fighting techniques, but I'm more of a realist, I guess.

This is not to say the show doesn't have value.  For instance, I've learned how to a hot-wire a car, produce my own bio-diesel, and maybe most importantly, how to trap unsuspecting innocents and steal their string.

First, Rudy advises you to stay off the beaten path.  Move quickly with purpose, don't linger out in the open.  If you must rest, do it under cover.  He says stick to train tracks when moving from town to town.  And guess what?  That's where I'll be waiting for you, and your string will be mine.

So, now I know one good place to catch people.  That's good.  Anywhere else?  Oh.  Good.  I'd hate to hang out on the tracks all day waiting for my prey.  I'm a creature of comfort, Rudy.  Tell me more.

Ok.  You're alive.  You need to avoid people because they want your string.  However, there are people you can trust.  You must find them, but how?  Simple.  Rudy suggests finding an abandon police station or taxi dispatch center, a perfect place where you might find a working radio. 

In the event I'm not there waiting to kill you (because after all, I can't be everywhere), you should broadcast in hopes of finding a settlement of some kind.  According to Reyes, this place exists.  A place where good people await you with open arms. 

1radio Once you get the word out via radio you've survived, just listen for that friendly voice giving you the precise location of the new settlement and your salvation. 

When word is received and you're given coordinates, hot-wire a car... you're off and rockin' it like a true Will Smith, except in a zombiless world (though your plight will still be more entertaining and less predictable).

Legend sucked, Will.  And Hancock was okay.  That part where you stuffed prisoner's heads up other prisoners' asses?  That was awesome. Saved the movie.  Never underestimate the entertainment value of a superhero jamming someone's head up someone else's ass.  Take note, Hollywood.

Sorry.  Back to our apocalyptic tale.

So now you're on the road to the settlement.  You're almost home.  You can almost feel the luke-warm shower, taste the home-made toilet wine, maybe thinking about meeting a nice girl or boy so you can also contribute to rebuilding society.  Ahhh yeahhh...  

After an arduous, danger-filled journey, when you finally arrive at the gates of your new home (Eden as it was described over the radio), I'll be there, radio in hand, waiting to kill you and take your string.  Boo ya!  I can't believe you fell for that one!  You're going to have to be a little brighter if you want to make it in the New World.

1rwarrior Thanks for all the advice, Rudy.  I would have been such a horrible people hunter.  Now I'm confident I'll be one of the ones that make it.  And it's all because of you.

I would also like to add that Rudy Reyes is a Kung Fu Master whose amateur achievements can only be compared to Bruce Lee's, as Rudy and Bruce were the only American-born martial artists to defeat the fighters of the prestigious Jin Woo Academy. 

That might be the coolest thing I've ever read.  I literally just read it.  Wow.  Being compared to Bruce Lee, I mean, other than, "you're no Bruce Lee" which I get any time I bust a "hi-yaaa! Chop!"  I can also kick as high as your stomach.  I'm a dangerous man, is what I'm saying.  But actually being able to say, yeah, Bruce and I?  We did that shit right.  That's beyond cool.  I'm actually getting a little man-crush.

Additionally, Reyes did three tours of duty in Afghanistan and Iraq, where in 2004, Evan Wright, a Rolling Stone reporter, was embedded with the 1st Recon Marines.  Wright wrote a book about the experience entitled Generation Kill.  It later became an HBO mini-series where Rudy was cast to play the role of himself.  He also worked as a technical and fitness consultant on the show.

In other words, do not fuck with Rudy.  And guess what?  In the post end of days, he'll be there vying for the very same string that you and I will need to live.  My suggestion is, avoid him like the impending zombie plague he doesn't suspect will happen.  Let's hope that little miscalculation will throw him and give us the advantage.  You might notice the one thing he didn't teach us is how to contend with his ass.  Well played, Rudy.  Well played.

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I'm thinking Bear Grylls could take him. Or at least give him a run for his money.


Ha ha. Such a brilliant post.

And shit, someone is now marketing and playing on my fears. The problem? I'm realizing that I can't survive the apocalypse.

No humanities majors will survive. Only engineers, to pass on their soulless genes.

Isn't it interesting that it is other humans we must fear the most? What does that say about us and our times?

I've never watched this show. Honestly, no show has ever made me wish I had a TV more than I wish it now. No TV, alas. I guess I'll just stockpile sleeping pills and call it a day though.

Apryl's Antics

Silly, Mayopie. Rudy Reyes is PLANNING the apocalypse, so he can make soilent green. It's SO obvious.

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