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Old Ladies Who Are Really Demons Freak Me Out

Legion movie poster - character poster (2)  Legion is a movie coming out on January 22nd and it's about the end of the world, and demon ice cream vendors and scary vampire grandmas and angels with shotguns so that means it's pretty much a work of art already. You don't even need to see it. They'll probably hang it in the Louvre and then all you'll have to do is fly to France and go see it for free or whatever they charge to get into the Louvre these days. Okay, maybe it'll be cheaper to just see it in the theaters, but you'll be missing out on a bunch of snobby French people and faux intellectualism. Your choice.

The premise is simple. The end of the world is coming and angels are going to come down to Earth and kill everybody because remember all those nice pictures of soft-lit angels hanging out with Jesus and some children and some metaphorical sheep? That was just propaganda. According to Legion, angels are more about hanging people who are about to explode upside-down on crosses, than a pastoral communion with the son of God. 

You say to-may-to, I say to-mot-o. 

I really am a huge fan of apocalyptic fiction, so don't get all "Oh Kurt, you are always such a ray of sunshine!" because that just isn't true. I'm more like a ray of handsomeshine if you want to be more precise. That having been said... normally, a movie about angels with guns would be a "for the sake of ridicule only" movie-viewing for me. In this case though, the red-band trailer is so creepy and kick-ass that I have to be intrigued. It's pretty much written in the Constitution that I want to see this. If this movie were a stripper, than it would be a drunk stripper with poor depth perception and a history of making bad decisions. I have to check it out.

One thing the trailer strongly enforces is that old people are scary and I think I speak for everyone when I say that a grandma who threatens unborn children and tears out jugulars with her teeth and then shimmies across the ceiling like some satanic gecko in support hose pretty much gets moved to the top of my "shit that will give me nightmares forever" list, along with burning alive with firecrackers stapled to my junk, and the continued acting career of Keanu Reeves. (zing!) Old ladies that start out kind and then get demon-y and homicidal need to be arrested for entrapment, because I totally believe all old ladies are nice automatically. And then who's dead? Me. That's who. 

Legion stars Dennis Quaid as "non-distinct everyman" and  Paul Bettany as "Bad Guy Angel" and Doug Jones as "Fucked Up Ice Cream Man Demon who Guarantees I Never Ever Think Ice Cream Men Aren't All Kinds Of Creepy Ever Again." and Kate Walsh from Grey's Anatomy as "Hot Chick Living in the Middle of Nowhere Because God Really Does Hate Us". Most of those names don't mean anything to me, but I do know this: Six-pack abs are a lot of work when you take a bite of a Kit-Kat bar after each sit-up.

Here's the age-restricted Red Band Trailer, so if you are under 17 I guess you're screwed if you want to see this. If only there was some way you could fool the internet into thinking you were older...







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Comments

Carolyn Online

I think the elongated jaw of the scary old lady is the thing that's going to keep me up at night. Although stealing the creepy crabwalk from The Exorcist was a nice touch.

Katie Kat

AWE-SOME!!!!! I can't wait... hot demonic angels saving a white trash waitress's baby to save mankind? TOO FABU!!!

iambellaluna

You're all gonna die.




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