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More Apocalypse Than You Can Shake A Slow-Motion Stick At

Apocalypse_vasnetsov  So apparently early January is like Mardi Gras for Apocalyptic Fiction except instead of giving drunk coed beads so they'll show their boobs, there are just a couple movies coming out. Okay, so not so much Mardi Gras but definitely something festive like Arbor Day or Talk Like A Pirate Day or whatever. The two films are Daybreakers and The Book of Eli, and one has vampires and the other has Gary Oldman so it's pretty much a coin toss about which one is creepier. (zing!)

I'll start with Daybreakers because we all know vampires are in vogue right now and even if you aren't into werewolf pedophilia, this one looks like it might be awesome. The premise is simple but I don't really have the energy to go into it right now because I just ate this giant burrito and I need to take a nap. What I can tell you is that Ethan Hawke is the main character and I think any vampire with patchy chin hair is extra scary because it solidifies the conception that goatees are creepy. In the movie almost the whole world is vampires and they are executives in giant glass future buildings and the few humans that are left have to live underground because I don't know why. I always thought "going underground" was just an expression, but in every movie where humanity is about to get wiped out we have to live in a refit sewer somewhere. It's the big reason I'm not looking forward to the apocalypse. Sewers are gross. Even when they have terrariums. Also in Daybreakers is Sam Neill who this time isn't a dinosaur-ologist at all, so this is pretty much the acting challenge of a lifetime for him. 

Here's the trailer. It has explosions so you KNOW this one will be awesome:

The Book of Eli opens on the 15th and it's trailer is much more apocalypticier with sweeping vistas and the obligatory highways filled with empty cars and hairless cats and slow-motion bows-and-arrows. It also has a monotone voice-over by Denzel Washington so you KNOW some serious shit has gone down. And just when I was thinking "Here we go with another bows-and-arrows after Armageddon to try and drive home the point then society has unraveled and man is about to show it's primordial inhumanity to man movie" they throw in a slow-motion rocket launcher. Rocket launchers are nature's way of showing technology and slow-motion is nature's way of emphasizing things. That's what made Max Payne so darn impressive*. The bad person (because 'bad guy' is so sexist after all) in this movie is played by Ms. Gary Oldman and he has bad teeth  and impressive face scars so you know he means business, and the whole point of the movie is Denzel is protecting a book which Gary wants. I don't know what book. Maybe "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" or "Twilight" or "The DaVinci Code" or something, but either way....slow motion explosions. Your Witness.

Here's the trailer. Watch for the hairless cat. That's not code for anything. Get your mind out of the gutter:

*Max Payne was not impressive. This was such huge sarcasm that my typing fingers have sarcasm blisters now and I have to go soak them in Palmolive or gin or whatever.







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Comments

Ed Adams

Sarcasm Blisters.

Ha!

That's what I have on my tongue.

Trust me, Gin works.

bd

Who do I have to call to get "apocalypticier" added to the new lexicon? Awesome word. Just...perfect.




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