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"The Bachelor: On The Wings of Bloodbath!!!!!!" Recap

6a00d8341c5d9653ef0120a7eb1081970b Well. THAT was certainly dramatic, was it not??? Let's get right into the horrorshow, shall we?

Previously on the Bachelor: Bungee jumping. Helicopters. Ella's got a kid. Pool shenanigans. Everyone hates Vienna but Jake, who totally pink puffy hearts her. Manson Lamps went home to her padded room. Roses. Chris Harrison's hairplugs. Drama, drama, drama. But that's NOTHING compared to tonight. Let's hit it.

Chris Harrison collects the ladies, who are all wearing nightpants (Miss Banshee approves) to tell them that there will be a one on one date, a group date, and a two on one date (DIRTY) so everyone should go get their skank on, cause there are only nine "ladies" left, and it's crunch time. Chris Harrison needs to reconsider that v neck sweater he's wearing, because I see a hint of the dreaded man-boob. Clearly Harrison isn't on the MamaPop Loser plan. ANYWAY. The two on one date is do or die, betches, so both of y'all pack your things, cause one woman gets the unmarked van to the desert. Cue eye-rolling from the ladies. Harrison prattles on that everything! Changes! This week! So take a look outside, ladies, and see what you're in for. Oh, the suspense.

6a00d8341c5d9653ef012876ee141f970c

And y'all? It's like the producers thought it was my birthday. Outside are two BUSES. Just like on the epic show "Rock of Love: Bus of Whore" with Bret Michaels, the girls will now be on a road trip up the Pacific Coast Highway, because they all get along so delightfully in a mansion, SURELY there won't be any drama when they're all crammed onto two tour buses. Right? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. The ladies squeal. My cat shows her fangs. Pack your shit, ladies, we're hitting the road.

Bus #1 has Ali, Jessi, Tenley, and Ella. Bus #2 has Vienna, Gia, Corrie and Ashleigh. Vienna says that she would rather ride a bike behind the bus than be in an enclosed space with Tenley. I disagree. Vicious blood-drawing brawls are way more fun in moving vehicles. But we can't always get what we want.

Everyone is squealing. This is an ongoing theme this week. Shut up, girls. You haven't even left the driveway yet. Ella is ready for 'the highway of love." Gag. The girls get video cameras to document the trip, which seems redundant, as they have an entire film crew with them. More giggling and squealing.I put in my earplugs, lest I go completely deaf by the end of the program.

Champagne! A weird edit of a pit stop reveals that there are snakes in California, and there is more screeching. I take a fistful of Advil. Following the buses is our man Jake on his motorcycle. He's pumped about the road trip and waxes poetic about how he's cut loose so many chicks and he still has more left! Little Jake feels mighty big right now.

On the bus, the girls guess who is getting each date. Ali says that if she and Vienna go on the two on one, she'll take one for the team. Meaning what, she'll shank Vienna and go to prison rather than have her win? Whatever.

The chicks meet Jake at a vineyard, where they swoon over his flannel shirted manliness. I think he looks like a Land's End catalog cover, but thankfully I am not on this show. The chicks are apoplectic about the vineyard, because apparently they've never seen a fucking grape before. Seriously, the level of squealing has my cats hiding under the bed. I have a feeling *I* will be hiding under the bed before this is over.

Camping! Nature! Jake loves it! The ladies pretend to be excited. Jake's tent is a stone's throw from the buses, and he goes off to "get ready" for the one on one date as he leaves the ladies with the envelope containing the name of the skank, I mean, the lucky woman who gets to play tonsil hockey tonight. More squealing.

Gia gets the date. "Let's go over the moon and under the stars." Retch. Gia's from the city, so she has no idea how to dress for the outdoors. Vienna makes no qualms about saying that NYC Gia and Southern Boy Jake will never work. We go to commercial with Vienna giving a fantastic stink eye.

Jake shaves and puts on a shirt (drink) which I suppose constitutes "getting ready for the date." We are reminded again that Gia is a city girl, and Jake hasn't had a lot of time to get to know her. He wants to know how she can handle being outdoors. Gia is wearing spike heels, which is always a good idea when you're camping. Gia hops on the motorcycle with Jake as Vienna roars that she is TOTALLY wrong for him. Vienna's getting a bit of the Manson Lamps. This should be good.

Jake and Gia (who is now, wisely, barefoot) play "hide and go seek" in the vineyard. Gia hides behind a twig. Jake "finds" her and she jumps on top of him like a spider monkey. He lugs her off to a shady spot for the "OMG I was a nerd in school" followed by "No way, *I* was a nerd in school!" conversation that I do not buy for one solitary second, because we all know that every single one of these bitches were Mean Girls, and I cringe as Gia describes the torment that "she" endured, while we all know that she was the one doing the tormenting. Gia is the Queen of Lies. She fishes for compliments and Jake falls for it, because as we all know, Jake is pretty, but as dumb as a bag of hair.

Jake confesses that he had NO game in school. This I kind of believe. He's handsome, sure, but he's a bit socially awkward, so I buy it more from him than the Queen of Lies. He lacked confidence, and was in 11th grade before he kissed a girl. Gia says that she got her first kiss during a disastrous game of spin the bottle. Jake smarms that if they knock back the wine they're drinking, they can play spin the bottle right now. Gia makes up rules that the first kiss is on the cheek, then the lips, then "all the way" which is inappropriate for prime time television, Gia, you slut. Oh wait, I guess she just means tongues. God, whatever.

They polish off the wine and play spin the bottle, which is pointless with just two people, so they just make out. Do I spy a bit of male pattern baldness on the top of Jake's melon? I believe I do.

Commercials. So now that Jared is fat again, Subway has Michael Phelps doing commercials for them?

Gia is still clinging to Jake like a barnacle as he totes her to his campground. He opines that she won't be ready to rough it with him around a campfire cause she's from the Big City, but there will be no room service tonight, little girl. It's weenies and smores for you! Dude, she's from New York, not Mars. I think she can hack one night in a freaking posh-ass vineyard. Jake attempts to make a fire. Gia's way too impressed that matches plus wood equals fire. They don't have fire in the big city, you know. 

Now they're tucked under a blanket, and as an aside, I cannot believe the amount of time all these people are mummified in blankets on this show. SNUGGIES, PEOPLE. YOU CAN GET THEM AT WALMART. Anyway, it's time to talk future. Gia wants a long engagement, and kids before she hits 30. I would pay American money to see Gia on Bridezillas. She'd move to Texas for Jake. She also wants to have two kids biologically and adopt a girl from China. Jake seems down with that. Gia wants pigs, too. What?

The other girls are jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealous. They start making screeching noises from their campsite to disturb the romance happening over at Jake's tent. Mature! Thankfully the junior high shenanigans are interrupted by a production assistant tossing the group date card into the gaggle of harlots. They leap upon it like jackals.

Vienna interviews that she hopes that she gets the group date cause the two on one means someone's going home. Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Ali, Vienna and Corrie are going on the group date. That means Kathryn and Ella are going on the dreaded two-on-one. They are less than pleased.

Gia gets sobby that she's falling for Jake and she could get her heart broken. Jake says that there's something they have to do. Gia understands the code and starts unbuckling Jake's belt. Just kidding. It's a rose. Gia says she hasn't felt so good in a whole year and a half. Wow, she's certainly been holding out. How DID she survive all that time without twoo wuv? She's an inspiration to all of us single ladies. Barf.

Commercials. Eat Mentos and you'll get laid in a library.

Back on the Buses of Chlamydia. Pismo Beach is our destination for the group date. Vienna doesn't want to share "her boyfriend' with the other girls. The Crazy is brewing, guys. Ali is filled with ennui that Vienna is still here. GET OVER IT, WHINY BRITCHES.

Corrie, who hasn't done anything of note thus far, says she doesn't thrive in a group situation. Being that I didn't even recognize her, this is not a shock. Jake is salivating that he's going to get the girls down and dirty. Oh I DO hope it's mud wrestling. Oh wait, wrong show. Damn I miss "Rock of Love."

Back at the buses, Ella and Kathryn are left by their lonesome to agonize over the Impending Double Date of Doom. Much pouting ensues.

Dunebuggies! Ali calls shotgun with Jake and the others give her the evil eye. Vienna has no problem with this, because she's already planning their wedding. Jakey wants to see if the widdle girls can drive. Hey Jake, we can do other stuff too, like tie our own shoes and run corporations. As I'm getting all feminist-y, one of the girls gets a dunebuggy stuck in the sand. Jake, having male anatomy, easily lifts the buggy, freeing the girls, who swoon. We get it Jake. The hammer is your penis.

Sand surfing! This is an excuse for the girls to squeal and fall down. And that they do.

Jake is "naturally drawn to Tenley" and they roll down the dune together as Jake totally feels her up. They brush sand off each other and flirt.

After cheese and wine, Jake suggests that they all roll down the big dune. All the chicks are like "um, no, I have sand all in my vajay already, asshole, and there's wine here," and Corrie is the only one who has the brain cells to realize this is a perfect groping opportunity. And grope she does, as they tumble down the hill. Jake is pleased that Corrie stepped up and gave him another opportunity to touch a boobie.

Commercial. "When In Rome:" The product of chimps with typewriters. And meth.

Here we are at the "Madonna Inn" which "celebrities go to!" People, this is the tackiest hotel I've ever seen. In fact, I am pretty positive it's a brothel. It's cheesier than Velveeta.

The girls get all the sand out of their crevices and go to dinner with Jake. He's very excited that the girls can get dirty AND clean up well. That Jake. Easily impressed, no? Time to do one on ones. Seriously, dudes, this hotel is HIDEOUS. First up is Ashleigh, who climbs on top of Jake, her skirt around her waist, practically unzipping his pants as she says she'd never come across as desperate. She says this as she's stroking his ass. Little Jake is at attention, but Big Jake ain't feeling it. Except in his pants. THERE he's feeling it.

NEXT! Vienna says she wants to go last. Ali is offended by this, but Ali is offended that Vienna breathes the same air as she does. Ali lays down the law. No groping, just a reminder that the game is getting serious. Jake's all 'Um, less talking, more tongues in each others' mouths, plz." Ali is a buzzkill, man. Jake shuts her up and they make out.

Back on the beach, the two on one Date of Doom card has arrived. "Two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes." Ella TASTES the fail that is going to occur. She gets sobby.

Tenley Time! Jake wants to know if she's over her ex-husband, and she spills the whole story of being cheated on. JAKE, YOU HAVE NO GAME. Why are you always asking these chicks about their ex-boyfriends/husbands? No matter, he's got his head in Tenley's lap,which plants his face about one nano-millimeter from her right tit, so he's happy. Close up on Jake's face and Tenley's boob. They make out.

Vienna's turn. She had dozed off waiting. I have dozed off writing this.  As soon as she leaves, the other vultures start in on the We Hate Vienna Club. Over on one on one, Jake's all "don't bring the hate on yourself so bad, it's a buzzkill, keep your damn mouth shut and stop pissing everyone off, dude, what is your problem?" BUT! As we have learned over the weeks, Jake loves drama, cockteases, psychos, and girls everyone else hates, so Vienna is totally safe. She's not going anywhere, except into Jake's pantaloons. Jake really needs therapy. Someone get Dr. Drew on the blower.

Congregation of chicks. One rose to rule them all! Jake's giving it to someone he's been ignoring. It's Tenley. He's been ignoring Tenley? He was just rolling around in the sand groping her implants! THAT'S being ignored? Jake, you befuddle me.

Commercials. Anyone else freaked out that the "grow your lashes" stuff turns blue eyes brown? I'll just use mascara, thanks, Brooke Shields.

And we're back on the road. Drinking wine out of juice glasses. The other chicks are SO HAPPY they're not on the Dreaded Double Date of Doom. Ella knows it's going to suck. Up in Big Sur, Kathryn and Ella will fight to the death for one rose. Ooooh, it's like The Bachelor Beyond Thunderdome. Two skanks enter, one skank leaves. OR DOES SHE?

Kathryn, who I couldn't pick out of a lineup if I tried, thinks Jake could be her soulmate. Jake collects the two "lucky" "ladies" and takes them to an intimate dinner. Well, as intimate as you can get with two girls and no naked. Speaking of no naked, Jake spouts about family values. This perks up Ella, who yaps about her kid. Kathryn tries to get in on the convo, but gets SHUT DOWN by Ella, who just keeps talking over her. Kathryn shrinks down into her chair, sulking. It's awesome. Kathryn feels like "a third wheel" as Jake whisks Ella off for some private time. They huddle under yet another blanket that would be so much more awesome if it was a Snuggie built for two. Jake sets Ella up for the upcoming fall, but first he wants to talk to Kathryn, since a producer reminded him that she's there too. Kath's all "you totally aren't into me, are you?" All Jake can say is that she's hawt. He wants to bone her, but that's it. Jake promises to get more intimate with Kathryn. He's totally lying.

Commercials. Did you hear that Michael Jackson died? I had no idea.

Back at the campgrounds, the ladies LIE their FACES off about how much they love Ella and Kathryn. Cut to Jake, brooding like a vampire. He doesn't want to give a rose to someone who isn't right for him. He puts on his serious face and calls Ella to dump her. He says she's awesome. She's hott. She's the complete package. She's history. Later, Ella. Sorry you couldn't get a babydaddy for Ethan.

Now it's Kathryn's turn. So she gets the rose, right? WROOOOOOOOOOOONG!!!!! He ditches her too! BURN! No roses for anyone! She asks if he's sure. He's TOTALLY sure. See ya, chumpy.

Production assistants take Ella and Kathryn's bags away to the unmarked van. The other girls are shocked, but not as much as Kathryn, who interviews from the unmarked van that she never saw this coming. Dude, Helen Keller saw this coming.

Jake broods. Then, AWESOMELY, he takes the rose! And throws it in the fire! Symbolism! Cheese! Commercials!

Ali waxes poetic about how the game is getting serious. Of course, all anyone can talk about is Vienna and her suckiness (which we have YET to see, so it's either clever editing or these betches just are full of hateration.) They arrive at a mansion, stagger off the buses, all clad in Uggs, (bleh) and Jake arrives on his motorcycle, yapping about how there's no point in any of these hos being here if he ain't gonna spend the next 60 fucking years with them. MAIL ORDER BRIDE, JAKE. THEY'RE IN THE PHONE BOOK.

Jake takes Corrie and her fugly green dress from Fredrick's of Hollywood outside. She wants to know if she makes him nervous. She doesn't. Corrie is disappointed. She was hoping she was intriguing and mysterious. Jake flat out tells her that she's got to step her game up and open up to him because he keeps forgetting her name.

Next is Ali, in a very ill-fitting yellow dress. She gives him props for ditching both chicks last night. She thinks that's totally hawt. Jakey likes that. He shoves his tongue in her mouth. He feels very manly. Hammer. Penis. We get it. More tonsil hockey.

Inside, Jessie plots. And schemes. Jessie should be more concerned that Jake barely remembers she's not a production assistant. She drops the bomb that Vienna is a beeyotch, self-centered, spoiled, she sucks,her daddy writes checks for her, and that she kicks puppies. Also she smells and she cheated off Jessie's geometry test. Jake thanks her for being a snitch.

Vienna time! She's ready to get married now. Right now. None of the other girls like her because she has a sense of humor and she's a threat cause she's so awesome. She doesn't want Jake to judge her on the opinions of others. This challenges Jake's manhood, so he assures her that no skank is going to make decisions for him. Little Jake sproings to attention, all "Damn right!" Settle down, Little Jake.

Hi, Chris Harrison! It's time for roses.But first, an Olive Garden commercial.

Harrison recaps. Gia and Tenley are safe. Someone's going home. Heeeeeeeeeere's Jakey! He looks miserable. This week he got to see another side of the ladies. He hates sending people home, but he's not looking for a fuck buddy (he'd keep all of them) he's looking for a wife. A WIFE TO HAVE AND HOLD TILL ARMAGEDDON. First rose goes to Ali. Stink eyes all around from the others. Next rose goes to Corrie. Her dress is so distracting. It's teal and hideous. Anyway, she gets to stay. Next! Jake looks like he just soiled his britches. AND THEN!

JAKE FLEES. A producer is grabbing for him all "WTF?" as he runs outside to find his pal Chris Harrison, who was at craft services having a bear claw or a line of cocaine or something. Jake's freaking out. He doesn't want to send one girl home, OH NO. He wants to send TWO of them home!!!!! NOW we're getting somewhere! Drama! Suspense! Commercials!

The girls are starting to freak out. Or they have to potty, it's hard to tell. Harrison's all 'You've already booted two chicks this week and now you wanna chuck two more? AWESOME." Harrison speaks to the ladies as Jake stands there looking like a kicked puppy. Harrison drops the bombshell that two skanks are outta there. Jake looks on miserably. The chicks are freaking. AND THE ROSE GOES TO MY GIRL VIENNA!

Needless to say, the other chicks are HORRIFIED. Ashleigh and Jessie are OUT. Ali grumbles and grouses under her breath that she can't believe Vienna's still here. She's disgusted. She's throwing up in her mouth a little. She's about to throw a tantrum. If Vienna's what he wants, then clearly Ali is NOT what he wants. Not that she's going to leave or anything, that would be silly. She'll just sulk and bitch and moan.

Ashleigh and Jessie exit interview that everything sucks, especially Vienna. Ali keeps talking trash about Vienna, WAY too loud. Ashleigh cries and says there's a reason everyone hates Vienna. ENOUGH ALREADY. We have seen exactly NOTHING to paint Vienna as a villain, but she must be eating babies off screen or something to get this kind of vitriol. Ashleigh and Jessie get tossed into the unmarked van and we're thankfully done for the week.

The remaining hos are going to San Francisco with Jake. And I'm out of here. See ya next week!







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Comments

DianaCLT

Don't watch this show, though I do heart your recaps greatly!!!!

HOWEVER...!!!! I grew up on the Central Coast. Someone who does watch this mess regularly gave me a heads-up that my native land (tee hee) was the setting for this show, so I DVRd it. Not sayin' I watched it yet. But I will, at which point I'll undoubtedly comment again.

The Madonna Inn IS famous. And you're right - tacky to point of in-mouth vomiting. But I grew up going there for special occasions. Many a high school formal has been held there. The Madonnas are a sweet family. And Alex Madonna (RIP) made it all pink, because pink is his wife's favorite color. Absolutely, it needs updating - and some updating has happened, in parts of it. But the oh-so-pink Madonna Inn is known all over...as is the men's bathroom (Did they show the men's bathroom? Seriously - EVERYONE checks out the men's bathroom, regardless of gender/age/what-have-you.).

For reals - the Madonna Inn was HOT in the '70s and '80s. And though it ought to have changed more than it has over the years...I Madonna-pink-puffy-heart it. <3

Suebob

A few comments:

1) If I am ever on a stupid reality show, remind me to get my roots done before I go. Ashleigh and Vienna are having a dark-roots-off and it ain't pretty.

2) Does anyone else automatically think "sausages" every time they hear the name "Vienna" or is it just my sick brain?

3) I disagree with Diana up there about "the Inn," as they called it on the show. It is weird and tacky and always has been. A turquoise cinder block wall? I rest my case.

4) "It's just that I am developing stronger feelings...for some of the other women," made me laugh til I choked. Oh, that was great. Way to make a girl feel special, Jakey.

5) The lack of chemistry between Vienna and Jake is so apparent that I am wondering if he finds a 6-figure check in his inbox every time he keeps her around another week.

6) Ali is cute as hell but a stone-cold bitch at heart. I hope he marries her and she spends the next 60 years schooling him. It would make up somewhat for putting us through this stupidity.

7) I know I am an idiot for watching it. But there you go.

Laurie

Favorite part of your recap? Putting "ladies" in quotes! ha. Kathryn must have really been forgettable to you, cause you totally forgot to put her on a bus! This show it seriously giving me nightmares. For real.

txtingmrdarcy

Wow oh wow. I'm almost ashamed to admit that I watched last night and it Hurt. So. Good. I really have no idea who he's going to end up with- for someone so "straight-laced" he's picking bitches straight off the KAH-RAZY train. Thank you for the hateration projected on Ali- she's the "cute popular girl" who everyone was fooled by in high school, while she was really a slutty biznatch to everyone. And yet I still found myself shocked when the last rose went to Vienna. The hell, self?

Amy H

Jarod is fat again? Damn. I had no idea.

Suzy Q

I don't even watch the show, but your recaps are the best!

I can't wait to find out which of the "lucky" "ladies" survive next week.

Suebob

Oh, and hey, I was on the Bachelor, too, and I wrote about it:
http://redstapler23.blogspot.com/2010/01/conversation.html

Angela

I don't think I'm ever going to watch this show because your recaps are just too much fun without the torture of watching in person.

Leah

I had to stop reading this and step away from the computer three times to keep from guffawing at work. DAMN YOU!

samantha jo campen

"dumb as a bag of hair" will now be inserted into my everyday insults.

You are beyond awesome. I don't watch the show but I always come for your recaps.

MWAH!

Danielle

Would it be weird if I told you I loved you? Miss Banshee, you rock.

Katie

Same as some of the other pp - don't watch the show and feel I don't really need to thanks to your kick-ass recaps! I'd be spoiling the fun of it really - if reality tv in this design is meant for entertainment purposes than you're posts are def. meta-reality. I wonder if the creators of this show ever thought that there could exist anything waaaaay more entertaining? And on a slightly different note - I'm sure there is an MA dissertation in psychology out there somewhere in which somebody disects the character traits of participants in The Bachelor/ette series and I'd like to read it because I am fascinated by what might push these people to take part?? Perhaps YOU might want to tackle this problem when the series ends? (yes, I was a nerd at school also... hahaha)

BaltimoreGal

I have never and will never watch this show.
But these recaps are the bomb diggity. I love them and you!

MommaLionessMichele

Your recaps are the ONLY reason why this ridiculous show should remain on TV. Love them!

Suzanne

Another freaking awesome recap. Can't wait to see how the conflict between Jake and "little Jake" plays out.




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