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"The Bachelor: On The Wings of Beeyotch" Recap

Thebachelor_pavelka_jake Oy to the vey, this episode, kids. Okay, let's get started, we've got a lot of The Crazy to cover.

Previously on "The Bachelor": Jake's a pilot looking for a wife. And there's my first question, before we even start. Jakey seems so dead set on getting married as opposed to just having a relationship I must wonder aloud why he just doesn't mail order one. Can't be worse than weeks upon weeks of finding out all the psychiatric problems of our ladies on the show, can it? But that would be a very short season, and we can't have that. Onward!

Last week. Ladies. Dates. Planes. Roses. Chris Harrison's hairplugs. Michelle is dangerously insane, Rozlyn is a prostitution whore, and we're up to date. Let's hit this!

Bachelorjakegirls

Harrison greets the women all "Whoa, how about the dramz with the skanky whore, eh?" But, in the words of my old Chemistry teacher, we must press on. There will be two one on one dates this week, and one group date. Cut to Manson Lamps, looking like she's paying very close attention to whatever the witches that live in her head are telling her.

First date card!  Aaaaaaaaaaaaand it's Vienna! "Let's fall head over heels together," quoth the note. Vienna, who the chyron still insists is 23, is stoked. She also needs to brush that weave. Manson Lamps voiceovers that Vienna is the exact opposite of her, so...we're to assume that Vienna doesn't require a nightly tranquilizer dart and straitjacket? Not exactly complimenting yourself there, Michelle.

Vienna is stoked. She wants Jake to see her "fun" side. She is getting death glares from ALL the other ladies. Seriously, I'm amazed she doesn't burst into flames. Oblivious to this, Vienna prattles on about how happy she is to get the one on one. Bitch is going to get stabbed.

Ali, who had the first one on one and won my heart last week, shows her jealous side, saying she can't believe Jake picked Vienna, and that she (Ali) feels betrayed after the rockin' date she and Jakey had last week. Ali, dude. You're not going to get every date. Have a drink and go talk trash about Vienna with the other rejects.

Jake and Vienna hop on the motorcycle as the other girls watch like vultures from the doorway. Jake voiceovers that Vienna seems to be the life of the party, and intense, and that he's never dated anyone like that. Does anyone else wonder endlessly about who these chicks are that Jake HAS been dating? We already know he likes psychotics and cockteases, I can only imagine the other winners he's never gotten to third base with.

Jake wants to know the craziest thing Vienna's ever done. Oh, that must have been the time she had sex with all the members of Dokken back in 1987, right? Oh, my bad. She's "23." It's riding a zipline. Seriously? THAT'S the craziest thing she's done? I smell a lying liar who lies. Jake is way too impressed by this information. Jake strikes me as the type that is impressed with people who can tie their own shoes.

Here comes a helicopter! Vienna's scared of heights. But Jake holds her hand, and her fears are cured, just like Ali's were last week. Because Jake is MAGIC.

Back at the mansion, the girls sun themselves poolside and shred Vienna to tiny bits. They basically call her ugly and lame, and they can't believe that Jake would be interested in her. Meow! Apparently Vienna's been pissing some of the girls off, but we'll get to that later.

Helicopter. Jake won't tell Vienna where they're going. They come upon a very high bridge over a canyon filled with very sharp rocks, so obviously they're going bungee jumping. I know this, because I've watched television before. Jake interviews and fidgets that he's not looking forward to what is coming next. Vienna figures out what's up, and says no way in hell she's bungee jumping. And then the most nonsensical thing comes out of Jake's mouth. He's terrified of heights. Jake. The PILOT. Is terrified of heights. Hey, I never said this show would make a lick of sense.

Wow, they are REALLY high up. They get strapped in, and Jake opines that like a relationship, conquering a fear together shows reliance on the other person. Jake is shaking and quivering, burying his head in Vienna's implants. Vienna comforts him like he's an overtired toddler. I think Jake is crying. Suddenly they're up! And 3 2 1 GO! And they leap to their bloody deaths.

Just kidding. They're fine, clutching on to each other for dear life, and smooching. It's actually kind of cute. Hey, I'm not made of stone here. We go to commercial so we don't see the poop stains in their britches.

Back on the date, Jake and Vienna still can't believe that they bungee jumped. Jake thinks this is symbolic, as he is taking a lot of risks, physically and emotionally. He also likes that she's nurturing, which I guess was shown by him weeping like a small child into her funbags and her patting his shoulder awkwardly before the jump. More smooching. Jake's looking for a best friend. Get a dog, dude.

Group date card arrives at the mansion. Corrie, Elizabeth, Ali, Tenley, Ashleigh, Jessie, Katherine and Michelle. "Love is no laughing matter." Manson Lamps doesn't want to go on a group date. Wait, she was pissed when she didn't go on the group date last week, and now she's pissed that she is. Ah, Michelle. Such a tangled web of crazy.

Pool scene! Jake, shirtless (drink!) leaves Vienna in the pool to fetch the rose. She accepts. More tonsil hockey. Pool shenanigans. Her knee is totally on his crotch. She's "on cloud Jake right now." Shut up, Vienna. 

Vienna brags about the date to the other girls, who are NOT amused. They haaaaaaaate her. Shut UP, Vienna, why would any of these chicks want to hear this? Ali is "shooken" up that Vienna got a rose. Oh grammar. You poor, neglected soul. Commercials.

Group date day! The girls go apeshit when they see Jake. Michelle attacks him. Thankfully there is no bloodshed. They're off to a comedy club. There is no way this will end well. And who is the special guest at the comedy club? Why it's Jon Lovitz! Yay? He's visibly drunk, and who can blame him. The girls are all going to do a standup bit cause Jakey doesn't want a girl who takes herself too seriously. This is going to be agony. Uncle Bad Touch Lovitz hits on all the girls.

At the mansion, the second one on one date card comes in. And it's Ella! And she says "SPIRIT FINGERS!!!!" My cats hiss. Vienna STILL can't shut up about her date, and Gia is very annoyed.

At the comedy club, Ashleigh bursts into tears. She doesn't want to do comedy. She can't handle the pressure. Her confidence is all a front. Boo hoo hoo. Shut up, Sobby. Lovitz shows the girls that they will be playing to a packed house of people dragged in from the Universal Studios tour. Ashleigh ugly-cries even more. Girl needs a Puffs Plus, cause her nose is bright red and swollen. SEXAY! Commercials.

The girls perform. Suffice to say, it's torturous. Lovitz makes a crotch joke. My sex organs shrivel. The girls bomb, except Tenley, who doesn't say anything, choosing instead to put her legs over her head. Now THAT'S talent. Katherine drags Jake on stage and sticks her tongue in his mouth. Close up of Michelle, who is fantasizing about boiling Katherine's bunny. She's also the next onstage, and rambles incoherently about coconuts and her tits and the audience is terrified of her. Ali interviews that there is something very, very wrong with Michelle. Thanks, Captain Obvious. Ashleigh won't go onstage, instead choosing to continue to sob. Korrie nastily imitates all the other girls, except every impersonation is exactly the same. She then makes a crack about Vienna and all the girls cheer. Jake's three brain cells crash together and he realizes no one likes Vienna. Ashleigh finally gets her shit together and staggers through three blonde jokes. She's VERY proud of herself. The whole thing is worse than triple root canal. Thankfully we go to commercials to recover and maybe take a Xanax or three.

"Wrap party" from the group date. Jake rambles about his wife being somewhere in that room right! now! Tenley decides this is the perfect time to tell Jake about her past. Ooh goody. She was married and dumped for another woman. She was a virgin on her wedding night. She weeps that she doesn't want that baggage in her life, but there it is. Jake, of course, LOVES this. Crazies, cockteases, emotional wrecks, the more baggage, the better! Jake could use some psychoanalysis instead of a wife, in my opinion. He digs Tenley SO much more now that he knows she's a basket case. They smooch.

Ashleigh gets one on one time to dish about how much everyone hates Vienna, and that they can't believe he likes her. Ash spills that Vienna never shuts up about the "intimate moments" of the date, and that she sucks and they totes hate her and blah. Jake's three brain cells bodyslam into each other again and he deduces that Vienna might just be a source of tension in the house, and that the girls are seeing something he is not.

Speaking of Vienna, she's getting reamed back at the house. She doesn't care. She only cares about Jake. Gia flat out tells her that she was the only person who stood up for Vienna, and even she's done. Everyone hates you, dude. Vienna cries.

Ali is STILL whining about how she hasn't spent time with Jake since the one on one. He reassures her that it was a great date and boosts her ego back up. She ruins the moment by whining about Vienna. She doesn't want to think that she would ever be compared with a skank like Vienna. Jake is confused. Too many girls! Too many thoughts in his brain area! Ouchie!

Aaaaaaaah, Manson Lamps. Michelle has traded in her crazyface for her bitchface and tells the girls that she couldn't give two shits about Vienna or any of them, she's there to trap Jake and keep him in a crawlspace under her basement to have tea parties with all the magic gnomes that live in her brain.It's her turn to get married, and she will, even if she has to hold Jake at gunpoint. Which she will, I have no doubt.

Commercials. Do people still watch "Ugly Betty?" Anyone? No? Didn't think so.

Michelle is still bitching and whining about getting a one on one. She's getting agitated. She accuses Ali of attacking her. Jessie interviews that Jake needs to see that Michelle is BATSHIT. Elizabeth the Cocktease wisely says that Michelle needs not a husband, but a therapist. Word, Elizabeth.

Cut to Michelle and Jake. She's really tense. I feel like she needs a visiting nurse or something to give her shots of Thorazine for her safety and the safety of everyone else. And here it comes. She wants LOVE. MARRIAGE. BABIES. NOW. She can't continue unless he chooses her right now. Kiss her RIGHT NOW DAMMIT. Jake is, to put it lightly, hesitant. The kiss is pathetic. Michelle is furious. Jake pitifully says he wants to go home. Then Michelle says she's leaving! She's done! That kiss was IT, dude. "Ask me to stay, Jake."  "Michelle, I think it would be better if you did leave." And that's that. The fear on Jake's face is palpable. Michelle leaves, saying she came on this show to find a husband to make a million babies with, and Jake wasn't up to the challenge of mixing her anti-psychotics into her applesauce every day, so she's gone. At least she gets a cab and not the unmarked van of shame, like Rozlyn did.

Jake tells the girls he kicked Michelle to the curb. He's not giving a rose out tonight. He needs to take a thousand showers and deal with the fact that he actually considered dating a woman who would probably make a necklace out of his teeth. Commercials.

Ella's date is today, and she feels like it's her wedding day. O...kay? Jake's thrilled that Ella is sane and that she gave up time with her son to be on the show. So since it was her birthday last week, she's getting a surprise. It's another freaking helicopter. Ella, however, is totally down with it. She digs the helicopter. She digs Jake. She digs herself. ELLA IS MENTALLY SOUND, Y'ALL.

Oh for the love of Merlin's pants, we're back with the Vienna drama. I'm so bored with this I'll just say that Vienna says she's sorry if she did anything wrong, the other girls don't accept it, and the hateration continues.

In the helicopter, Ella talks about her son, and how much she misses him. The helicopter lands and they're at Sea World! Jake's so excited for the big surprise. He can't believe she took time away from being a mom. Ella says motherhood isn't a career, it's her life. We all know where this is going, do we not? Of course, because we've all watched television before, we are not at all shocked when lil' Ethan comes running out of the production truck to surprise his mom. It's very obvious and contrived and an excuse for an ENDLESS montage of how wonderful Jake is with Ethan and how over the moon Ella is with the idea of having Jake be Ethan's father and there are dolphins and fish and shit, whatever.

But all treacly things must come to an end, and Jake basically says "Groovy to meet ya, kid, but the unmarked van is here to get your ass out of here so I can mack on your momma," and Ethan gets tossed into the back of the van. Obviously Jake gives Ella the rose, cause we met her kid and clearly she wasn't getting booted, and we go to commercials wondering where in downtown LA the unmarked van dropped little Ethan off.

Rose Ceremony! Jake has his serious face on. Elizabeth the Cocktease gets some one on one time. She asks for a backrub. Lil' Jake springs to attention, but Big Jake has a sneaking suspicion that Elizabeth is teasing him and playing games. He doesn't want to be teased. Go Jake! Cocktease thinks this whole thing is hilarious. Jake's jimbobs are as blue as the dudes in "Avatar." Just as he's about to explode from the sexual tension, freaking VIENNA cockblocks him and steals him away. Cocktease doesn't understand why it's a problem that she can flirt shamelessly and shove her boobs in his face and seduce the hell out of this boy and then say that he's not allowed to kiss her. She actually bats her eyelashes as she says this. Harlot.

Vienna wants to talk about how everyone hates her. She says she's just honest, and everyone mistakes that as bitchiness. Jake doesn't care, he's totally into her. They smooch.

The other girls RAGE that Vienna got more one on one time when some of them have gotten no time at all. Girl is going to get CUT. UP.

Cocktease is back. She continues the no-kissing bullshit and Jake TOTALLY CALLS HER ON IT, saying she 'dangles it like a carrot" and that she demanded a ring before she'd kiss him, but she's a total tease and he's had enough. Go Jake! Way to grow a pair! As we go to commercials, I use my mediocre math skills to attempt to figure out the total cost of all the fake bewbs on this show. I can't count that high.

Poor Jake is drained. He thought this was going to be a fairytale, but it makes him think with his brain parts and that's hard.

Here come the roses. Hi, Chris Harrison! Haven't seen much of you this week! Were you babysitting Ethan? Vienna and Ella are safe. Gia, Korrie, Tenley, Ali, Jessie (and her crooked BumpIt), and Katherine get roses. Final rose goes to Ashleigh, which means Cocktease and Valishia (who? Exactly) are out. Valishia is tearful and says she's used to things not going her way. Cocktease tells Jake she should have kissed him. Oh for the LOVE OF JEBUDDAH. GET OUT.

We toast to the remaining chickies, and I'll see all y'all next week!


. . . . .
Miss Banshee would like to apologize to her mama for the bad language she used in this article.







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Comments

Laurie

Our boy Jakey likes women with baggage. LOTS of baggage, given the fact that the final two will be Vienna and Tenley, both divorcees who have cried on his shoulder and dumped said all their past said baggage on his doorstep. He has picked it up and run with it. I give his relationship with unemployed, 23-year old Vienna about two seconds in the real world. Tenley as the new Bachelorette should be interesting.

Katie

Jeeez, now you're making me google this episode just to see it with my own eyes...

Veronica

I don't even watch the show, and you have me laughing.

Pocklock

My husband and I both called Michelle a bunny boiler at the exact same point in the show.

Great recap! So dead on and also hilarious!

Amy H

EXCELLENT recap!

Therese

Thanks again for the funny recap! Just FYI, my husband is also an airline pilot and also scared of heights...it makes no sense and cracks me up, but there you go.

Bitchilla

It really irks me when the women get mad because the "bachelor" chose someone else to go on the date. Or similarly, that the "bachelor" was so wonderful to arrange this amazing date. He has nothing to do with choosing or plans, dumbasses! It's the producers.

Robyn

I have never watched 'The Bachelor' but after reading all of that, I am so going to start now.

I feel clean and normal and good about myself after reading all of that. Whew.

Robyn

I have never watched 'The Bachelor' but after reading all of that, I am so going to start now.

I feel clean and normal and good about myself after reading all of that. Whew.

Tracy H

I was just reading the Bachelorette's Bio's (I don't know why!) and Valishia's occupation is listed as Homemaker...HUH!?

Suzy Q

You cannot make me watch this show. Likewise, you cannot make me stop reading these recaps. WTG, Miss B!

Miss Grace

Even not watching the show, I love these. A lot.

Leah

HAAAAAAAAA!

samantha jo campen

I don't watch this show but OMG I was CRYING reading your recap. You are BRILL.

Sweetney

With every recap, I'm a little more in love with you.

(sorry so tardy, I had it TiVoed ;))

Alyssa

My husband thinks I've gone crazy I've been sitting here laughing so hard at the computer screen reading this re-cap. Don't. Ever. Stop.

Gina

I still watch Ugly Betty...

Whitney Lemke

I just watched this last night (yay DVR!) but had to come and read through the recap for the hilariousness.

I just have to say, though, that I LOVED the fact that the girls spent most of their group date bitching to each other, and much less time actually spending time with Jake. And when they did have one-on-one? They bitched about Vienna. Seriously?

Annie

wait, what's all this about Tenley = pregnant? Missed this episode and can't find any info about it! ... a little embarrassed that I'm into this show but in my defense, this is the first reality show and season I've ever been into.




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