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I Have An Idea! Turn Jackie Chan Into A Vampire.

The_spy_next_door I don't get out to the movies much anymore. I have two young children and that makes it tough. With that being said, it is very important for me to choose wisely when given the opportunity to engage in the rare trip to the cinema. I also don't watch TV very often, so my limited exposure to advertising, makes finding a movie worth the trip, almost impossible, without doing a little research via the internet or the newspaper. Because of all these obstacles, I rely heavily on intuition and blind faith. This weekend, I did just that and it wound up biting me in the ass.

Daybreakers_4  There aren't very many movies out there that get me excited. I tend to be a bit picky when choosing how to spend my time. I am a total sucker for anything Vampires and Zombies though. So when I heard about the release of Daybreakers, it seemed like a natural fit for me. I wasn't expecting much but the concept seemed fairly original; Vampires have taken control and the Human race have become the minority. The only problem is, the humans have become so scarce, that the Vampires are beginning to run out of food. Sounds fantastic, right? Unfortunately, not so much. The thing you have to remember about Vampires, is that the one thing that makes them really terrifying, is the whole, I'm gonna suck the living daylights out of you thing. If you take that out of the equation and replace it with subdued Vampires, meandering around, taking public transportation to and from their non-fulfilling 9-5 jobs, it loses it's luster. 2008_daybreakers_002Even with the always dependable Sam Neil and the even more, always interesting Willem DeFoe, the direction seemed to fall flat. Add the usually boring and not so scary, Ethan Hawke and you will inevitably hit a wall; which is exactly what Daybreakers did. Although they were few and far between, Daybreakers did have some memorable moments. As you would expect, it's not light on the blood and gore. There are some pretty gruesome scenes, that involve excessive cannibalism, exploding heads and blood geysers. Even though the special effects team seemed to pay close attention to detail, it mostly came across as desperate and over the top. Overall, I was most intrigued by the premise and some of the unique conceptual twists the filmmakers brought to the genre but as a whole, Daybreakers left me feeling disappointed. If you're a serious lover of the genre, it might be worth the price of admission but if you're a casual observer, you might want to consider seeing Avatar for the third time.

425.spynextdoor.chan.jackie.lc.011310 To make matters worse, I let my 7 year old daughter convince me into taking her to see the new Action / Comedy, The Spy Next Door, starring Jackie Chan. There are very few words that can describe the animosity I feel towards this film. THIS MOVIE SUCKS! Jackie Chan throws away line after line. There were times I wasn't even sure if he himself, understood the dialog he was delivering in his lines. Just when you think your hatred for Jackie Chan has reached it's pinnacle, they throw the other two parts of the Axis of Evil at you; George Lopez and Billy Ray Cyrus. I am sure this is the 7th sign of the Apocalypse. I won't lie. There was one positive outcome that came from the film, for me personally. I found at least two other children that were far more annoying than my own two kids. Although it was excruciating to watch them on screen, it did make me feel better about my own life.

The most disturbing part of the film, was that my 7 year old daughter was hysterical laughing throughout the entire thing. She absolutely loved it. Maybe I'm fucked up and jaded. Maybe she's a demon child. I can't be sure. But the bottom line is that The Spy Next Door delivered a better ROI than Daybreakers. If not for anything other than it made my kid laugh. That's good enough for me. I guess...

. . . . .
Jason never thought he'd have daughters and now he will always be Out-Numbered.

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My eight year old thinks "G-Force" is one of the best movies ever made. Children these days have no taste. But I'm sure most of the movies and t.v. programs I loved in my youth would be unwatchable to me now.


"Axis of Evil" If anything good comes from this movie, that was it. Bravo.


And my kids liked Avatar. Go figure.

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