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What I Wasn't Expecting Was This Stupid Movie

089480829X.l  So I made this hilarious joke on Monday about how Eli's Book in The Book of Eli wasn't "What To Expect When You're Expecting" and that's hysterical because what a stupid idea it would be to make a movie based on a reference book for expectant mothers! So guess what movie has been announced for 2012. Wait for it...  

What to Expect When You're Expecting. 

That it should open during an Apocalypse year only makes the rumor more credible.

They say that it will be a romantic comedy along the same lines as He's Just Not That Into You , but I can't even tell if they are being sarcastic or not, because calling that thing a comedy is like calling Keanu Reeves a majestic mountain chain that sprawls along the border of Austria and Switzerland. I guess since He's Just Not That Into You was also a unfunny guidebook turned into a piece-of-shit movie  the comparison makes sense. Also, pregnant women are pretty much the same as overly-flirtatious men. Seriously. Try to pick up a drunk pregnant woman in a bar sometime. They are super-easy. But HAHAHAHHA!! Don't expect them to call you the next day! LOL!! 

That "LOL" was total sarcasm. I got caught up in the moment. Forgive me.

Congratulations, New Parents! It's The George Lucas Man-Child!

There are no stars or directors  attached to the movie, just Lionsgate who has acquired the rights because I guess the Saw movies aren't the money-makers they once were, so maybe if  we get lucky the world will eat our faces in early 2012 and we won't be subjected to this bullshit. How did this happen, you might ask? Basically, some mouth-breathing studio executive realized that the book, which if you have children you've probably either read or been forced to read, has sold a ton of copies so why not make it into a movie?

 That's great. You know what else would make a great movie? The back of a Fruity Pebbles box. Everyone has read that! How about a movie based on street signs? You could call itYield and it could star Paul Walker in a non-speaking role as the main character, a triangular yellow sign with a heart of gold. Wait! How about Bank Statement

I got a million of 'em.

Here's what's what as far as the press release goes:

"The big-screen adaptation of “Expecting” will follow the relationships of seven couples as they experience the thrills, terrors, surprises, aches and pains of preparing to embark on life’s biggest journey, parenthood.

Thrills, terrors, surprises, aches and pains? Jesus. What are these people giving birth to? Dinosaurs? I mean, if they are giving birth to dinosaurs than I would understand all the commotion. Just imagine! Your uterus gets all big and you think you're going to have a beautiful baby girl, so you and your baby-daddy go and pick out all the furniture for the nursery and he is loving and supportive and tells you that you're beautiful every day and you take prenatal vitamins and don't have to clean the litter box for nine months and then when they big day arrives? POW! Velociraptor! THAT would be life's biggest adventure. Shit. Just getting out of the birthing room without being eaten would be exciting.

Plus your cans would get HUGE!

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Jen O.

That's it. I'm boycotting all movies from now on in protest against this movie being made. Most. Retarded (alternately-abled). Idea. Ever.

Meh, who am I kidding? I slow down for car wrecks.


Is this going to be like an after school special don't get pregnant movie? Because I can only see this as a cautionary tale.

I do like the velociraptor take though. But since it's going to be 2012, maybe the "baby" should just go ahead and be born as a zombie. You still get the danger of possibly being eaten while trying to get out of the delivery room, but the hilarity of possibly having Woody Harrelson there to take care of the problem.

Jen O.

Also, as a side note, and sorry to hijack your post, Kurt, but you know that sparkly unicorn off to the side over there? He's fantastic. Except when you avert your eyes slightly to the right so he's just in your peripheral. Then he looks like he's in mid-dry-hump.

I need more to do at work.


I think I love you.

Ed Adams

I would pay to see that.

Not the normal expecting one.

Your version with the velociraptor and big cans.


I hope when they make this they only make the really scary awful parts of this book. All the scary "I ate lunch meat and my kid was born with worms all over his face" kind of stuff.


Your description of the birth of the velocirapter just adds one more reason to my list of reasons not to bear children. What if it was a velociraptor?

also: why? why would they make this movie?


Your kidding right? This is joke? B/c I'm very gullible and this just has to be joke. B/c the book sucks anyway but a movie?

This just has to be a joke.


If they change the ending for the movie, I'm going to be wicked pissed. For me, it's index, or nothing.




NO!!!! It's bad enough that so many pregnant woman have been caught up in this piece of pseudo-medical advice that is completely horrible. Now the rest of the world is going to be given all this erroneous advice in the guise of funny movie. Lets hope the option was picked up on this book but that nothing ever comes of it. Maybe if we're really lucky the book itself will go out of publication.

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