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American Idol Recap - Top 24 Suckage

Randy-jackson Welcome to American Idol recap. This week, American Idol gave us the Top 24 and reason to believe that we might be in for a long season of useless, judging panel banter and dumb-ass nicknames. But hey! What else is new? Without any further ado... THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL! recap.

So after about thirty seconds of the first night, I seriously began to contemplate NOT doing this weekly American Idol Recap. There are three reasons. First of all, I'm starting to believe that the addition of Ellen and the forthcoming subtraction of Simon, have put the Idol franchise, in a potential "Jumped the Shark" scenario. It's just not working for me right now and this is a huge disappointment. Not only is Ellen not cutting it but her obvious lack of any knowledge concerning music, has forced the other judges to start over compensating with technical terms, such as, "register" and "sharp". It's getting a bit convoluted and my patience is wearing thin.

Amputee sprinter Secondly, my calculations were a bit off. In life, I like to look at myself as more of a sprinter and American Idol is definitely more like a marathon. What does this mean? It means that I've committed to recapping a show that airs three fucking nights a week. This is a bitch people.

But...

I love American Idol and I love You and I have a system. So I'm in this for the long haul or until I unexpectedly decide to quit on you. On a positive note, I did notice something that made me like Ellen a little bit this week. I noticed that Ellen and I have the same exact hair style. I'm not sure if this makes me a lesbian or if it makes her an aging, Jewish, male. No matter.

Last but not least, is anyone else already sick of Randy referring to Ellen as "E"? Holy mother of Mary. This is going to drive me insane. The judges always suggest that when the contestants watch their performances back later on, they will be mortified. I think the judges need to follow their own advice... Dawg!

Let's talk about the Ladies shall we...

The only way to look at this every week is to pick a few of standouts that should be deemed the bestest of the week and then, of course, try and determine who should be in the bottom three. Because this post goes live before the finale, it gives you a chance to leave your predictions in the comments. Of course, I am always correct.

In general, the ladies were flat and disappointing. I feel like this is pretty routine for the first live show. It usually takes a couple of eliminations to light a fire under their collective asses. In round #1, both the girls and the guys, usually get a pass for good looks, even if they suck ass. I have no problem with this. Such is life...

Chicago-Idol-Katelyn-Epperly Although I didn't think there were any standouts, I did think Katelyn Epperly was pretty solid vocally. She's the chick that was dressed like a slutty, Olivia Newton John, at the end of Grease. She sang the Beatles, "Oh Darlin'" and showed some nice control. I was buying it, compared to most of the other flat performances. Another one that impressed me was Crystal Bowersox. She's the dirty looking, Mom that sang Alanis Morisette. I didn't think it was all that awesome of a rendition but she's super interesting and it seems like she's got style. There's also a certain, I don't give a flying fuck about what you think, attitude that she exudes. I like that. I can smell the Petiole Oil from here. Bring it on. The other two that I think have some potential are Siobhan Magnus and Didi Benami. Here I admit, I'm forming my opinion mostly on quirkiness and hotness. I have no shame. But Siobhan has that darker side to her that could get interesting if she takes some chances with her song choices. Her rendition of "Wicked Game" wasn't great but there was definitely a cool factor that scored her some points. Didi was just plain hot. The truth of the matter is, I can't remember what song she sang or if she even sounded good. I just think she's sexy as hell. Shoot me...

Benatar My bottom three...

1) Haeley Vaughn, because she butchered one of the greatest Beatles songs of all time and was about as annoying as an earwig.

2) Janell Wheeler. She's the one who sang Heart and pretty much convinced the judges that she was tone deaf. I was totally upset by this because I was expecting great things from her.

3) Lacey Brown. She was the scary, Pat Benatar look alike that yelped, "landslide" by Stevie Nicks. This is when I got up to take a piss. Thanks Lacey. Good looking out.

As far as the other ladies go... Meh. All I can hope for is some better outfits, possible wardrobe malfunctions and a bit more flare in the weeks to come.

Now, onto the Boys...

For some reason, I always look forward to the guys more than the girls when we hit the top 24. I'm not sure why that is, or even why I said that out loud but here's the scoop.

David-cookI'm just telling you right now, that I'm a huge David Cook fan. That means that every guy that competes in this competition from here on out, gets compared to David. This is my bar and it is set very high. Deal with it.

Overall I think the dudes had a decent night compared to the girls but it was still a bit underwhelming. There were a few standout performances for me. First up. Todrick Hall's rendition of "Since you've been gone", by Kelly Clarkson, was badass. The judges ripped him a new asshole but I think he showed a ton of guts. David would have been proud.

Alex Lambert sang, "It's a wonderful world" and although this dude is quiet, I pick him as my early dark horse. He reminds me of Kris Allen, in that, I'm gonna sneak up on you and act all nice and then I'm gonna eat your face, kind of way. He's like the Christopher Walken of American Idol.

Casey James did an acoustic version of Bryan Adams, "Heaven". This dude is one handsome motherfucker. His hair is awesome, his lips are all glistening and shit and his jeans are super tight. Bring this guy back. I can stare at him all day. But I do have to say, he had a chance to bust out a David Cook moment in the chorus of that song and he blew it. He makes Kara horny though and that is worth the price of admission. I'm so confused. Other notables were Lee Dewyze's gruntalicious performance of Snow Patrol, Big Mike Lynche kicking it into high gear with a soulful version of Maroon 5 and Andrew Garcia who is probably the best singer in the competition but he might never top his "Straight up" performance from Hollywood week.

Ben-stiller-picture-1 My bottom three...

1) Jermaine Sellers basically squealed like a pig. I don't even know what song he sang. It was awful. Get rid of him.

2) Tim Urban is the dude that got called back after he was already eliminated. You know what? He still sucks. He sang that song, "Apologize". Timmy, I think you owe us all an apology for singing like a big turd last night. Oh and nice hair.

3) Joe Munoz sang Jason Mraz. This guy looks like the Mexican Ben Stiller. I happen to think that this is very funny but unfortunately, as Simon would say, "this is a singing competition, not a Ben Stiller look alike contest." I also couldn't understand a word he said.

3 1/2) John Park literally put my wife to sleep on the couch and then he told America that his parents are poor bastards. Way to go brother. Buh Bye!

Simon was a mean-ass, son of a bitch out there tonight and for good reason. I'm gonna miss his hairy arms and bad attitude when he's gone.

By the way, week after week, I fall deeper and deeper in love with Kara. Now... Who is in your bottom 3?

Out-Numbered Out!

Jason never thought he'd have daughters and now he will always be Out-Numbered.






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Comments

Jennie

I think Didi did a pretty great job, and she's my dark horse pick for the girls. Also, if Hayley Vaughn stays much longer, I might have to bang my head on the wall while she's singing to drown her out. Or fast-forward through her performances. Either or.

Your bottom 3.5 guys should all go home this week. Why put us through another week of any of them?

mommaruthsays

I'm all about the hair this season.
I love Mullet Boy and Dreadlock Girl :)

mrs chaos

I don't know any of their names, really, and don't feel like looking them up but 70's dude is a little creepy. Actually, a few of the dudes are a little creepy. I also was really hoping for bigger and better things from the Andrew guy.

I also wanted to write a strongly worded letter to the Haeley person about what we *don't* do to Beatles' songs. Ugh.

steff

@mamaruthsays
they are my picks too!

Jurgen Nation

I wanted so badly to like little Hayley Vaughn, but her incessant cheer and mouth full of dice are grating on my last nerve. Just...I can't...Jesus. I have to mute the television.

Fawn Amber

No one will ever be as good as my Cookie. Nevah.

That said, Casey James is going to skate to the top 3.

I dig the Siobhan chick and Lilly too. Lee Dwyze I liked, and Andrew Garcia.

I did not enjoy the mullet boy. He sounded way too nasal for my particular liking.

That's all I've got this week...

nicole

Generally I am an Ellen fan, but her best known musical performance was the "Just Keep Swimming" song from Finding Nemo. She is painfully out of place.

I also think Kara needs to turn down her public proclamations of horniness. She was all over Simon, mentioning that he was "touching her knee". Then she verbally sexed up the one dude whose blonde and had a guitar (don't remember his name, but it's the top 24 so I'm not in a hurry to commit any of these guys to memory).

CannedLaughter

Since fully 1/3 of the boys (that's FOUR y'all) live within spittin' distance of me, I am more interested than usual this year. Because I think Since You've Been Gone is an overplayed monastic drone set to a disco beat, may I just say that Todrick's r&b version rocked my world. May I also say that the judges (including Randy Motown Jackson) are entirely too white and defensive when tested with anything resembling R&B or hip hop. Seriously. Let's toss "E" and get Snoop Dogg to cut a bud and give us his take on the hopefuls. Lawd knows he'd be more entertaining.

Suzy Q

How can you know any of these people's names yet?

I hope they send 12 of them home on the next show.

Out-Numbered

Results are in and these peeps are out...

Janell Wheeler - As predicted

Ashley Rodriguez - As predicted

Joe Munoz - As predicted

Tyler Grady - A little surprised by this one. Thought he had some legs...




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