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American Idol Recap - The Austin Paul D-Bag Award

After-american-idol-its-time-for-vietnam-idol_14 Welcome to American Idol recap. This week, American Idol took us to Denver and ended with a look at the Road to Hollywood. It also brought a new face for returning guest judge, Victoria Beckham and one of the greatest douchebags to ever audition for the show.  Without any further ado... THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL! recap. 

Article-0-0822FFB4000005DC-387_468x478 Let's start with the 800 lb gorilla in the room. Did anyone notice anything weird about Victoria Beckham's face? It's not like she's chock full O' facial expressions to begin with but that shit was frozen solid. I'm pretty positive it had something to do with her hair. It was pulled up into a bun so tight, that it literally pulled her entire face back with it. My wife and I had to pause and rewind about 15 times, just to get a closer look. Everything about her appearance last night was extra creepy. Not only was her look, off putting but her judging criteria was completely whacked as well.

For starters, she judged almost every contestant on the basis of looks alone. The most awkward moment of the evening, involved contestant, Casey James. This poor, young prick was practically molested by Victoria and Kara. First we learn about his emotional road to recovery, after a life threatening car accident and then... BAM! Take of your shirt, bitch. The sad part of it was, that he had a pretty decent voice and the girls just crossed the line and embarrassed the crap out of him. Really inappropriate stuff. I'm pretty sure he's this season's Ace Young; which means he'll make it to the top 12 on looks alone and then suffer a slow and painful death in the end. Godspeed, ponytail boy.

I have to be honest. I really thought the Denver show was the most boring and uneventful one yet. This is ironic, considering the judges sent a whopping 26 people through to Hollywood. Maybe it was the lack of freaks that brought the show down.

Lack of freaks aside, we did witness, perhaps the biggest douchebag to ever audition for American Idol. I challenge anyone to find a contestant that deserves the Douchebag Award more than Austin Paul. This was the football player dude, who was all in love with himself.


Rule #1: Don't lift weights on National Television. You look like an asshole.

Rule #2: If you break rule #1, don't even try to sing, because you'll look like an even bigger asshole.

Here is the evidence...

Austin Paul, I take pleasure in your failure. Go away.

Picture 2 Of the few contestants that marched in the freak parade, the biggest standouts were, Mario Galvan, the nervous laugher in the weird, army coat. The judges had some classic mocking moments in that segment. I also give mad, loser props to Kenny Everett, aka, "Kenny from the park". This is the dude who wore the weird, farmer shirt. He was totally shocked when the judges shot him down. Best part about his audition was singing into his fake microphone hand. Very subtle but pure genius. 

The people the judges did put through were sort of blah. Definitely no Chris Daughtry's to be found. A few that got the gold ticket were, Mark "Jack Black" Labriola. Stop crying dude and get new glasses. There was yet another bandanna chick this week. I must be missing something with this bandanna craze. She had huge earrings and sang Melissa Etheridge. She also couldn't stop crying. I don't even remember her name.

Finally, we saw Nicci Nixx. She's the helium sucker, who flew 14 hours to make the audition. She was pretty awful but the judges felt badly enough to put her through. She won't be around for very long...

Kara-dioguardi Just for the record, Kara looked smoking hot in Denver and I hate the way Victoria Beckham says "Bubbly". It makes me want to hurt myself.

If the Denver auditions were uneventful, then Wednesday night's recap of the road to Hollywood was dismal at best. I was seriously considering just making some shit up but I have to stay the course. We're in this together and we're in it for the long haul. So, with one last burst of energy, courtesy of my second Monster Lo-Carb Energy Drink, here goes.

Amanda Shectman was obviously chosen by the producers, as this year's annoying chick. You are going to Hollywood. Congratulations, everyone will hate you and your stupid drama act.

Stephanie Fisher wins the Fake Tan Award. She also got sent home and was the evening's greatest humiliation. The judges tore her to shreds but made certain they didn't tear her awesome, cocktail waitress dress. At least she got to hug Victoria Beckham.

One of the highlights for me was the authentic, 6' 8", Adrian "Big Kahuna, Blonde Villa, Big Fish, Man Flower" Chanditchi. This guy had to be the biggest dude ever on the show and he sounded like a 6 year old girl. So, so strange and beautiful. He didn't get a golden ticket but we got to see his big brown nipples. This was a special treat. I have brushed my teeth three times since I watched it and I can still taste the vomit.

The Hottest contestant so far was the emotional, Didi Benami. She sang a heart felt "Hey Jude", in loving memory of her best friend that passed away, four years ago. I cried a little bit. Mostly because she was so hot. Ellen is going to eat her up in Hollywood.

Kevin-covais.0.0.0x0.291x260 I do have high hopes for this year's Kevin Covais. Scrawny, little, 16 year old, Aaron Kelly, sang that shitty Miley Cyrus song, "The Climb" but we forgive him. He's young and we all make mistakes. He will be in the top 24.

Last but definitely not least, we have Hope Johnson. This was the self proclaimed, really poor girl, that would bring home school lunch, for her hungry brother. I have news for you. Apparently, even really poor people can be super cute and sexy. Joe Jonas was giving her his best Blue Steel and I want to adopt her and fix her tooth.

Next week Ellen takes her, not so rightful place on the judges panel. Get ready folks. We're going to Hollywood!

Out-Numbered OUT!

. . . . .
Jason never thought he'd have daughters and now he will always be Out-Numbered.

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Fawn Amber

"I have news for you. Apparently, even really poor people can be super cute and sexy. Joe Jonas was giving her his best Blue Steel and I want to adopt her and fix her tooth."

OMG. That is classic. Am rolling.
So glad I am not the only one who thought that though. :)


Is Vicky Beckham vacuum sealed into her clothes? That dress was beyond "snug".

I caught Joe's Blue Steel look, too. I figure Hope might get a phone call or a concert ticket in the future. Truth told, though, I really liked her.


I, too, take tremendous pleasure in Austin's failure. I'm actually in a better mood. I like these recaps because I don't have to watch the show. I sincerely thank you.

nic @mybottlesup

dude, how on earth did you not mention the guy who described himself as "a beautiful man flower"???? "the big cahuna"????



@nic I most certainly didn't forget. It's in there dude...

Jen O.

Is it weird that I want to win a "You Are a Bag of Douche" award?

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