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New Vampire Movie Has Less Sparkle. More Impalements

Vlad-the-impaler  Dracula: Year Zero is currently in pre-production and I don't know about you, but I think it is totally time SOMEONE made a movie about vampires. They are like the most under-represented members of the monster community and this second-class treatment they've been getting is just despicable. One day, we're going to look back on this period of history as the dark times before vampires were treated with respect, I bet. What? No! They aren't capitalizing on any trends! What are you even talking about?*

Dracula:Year Zero is set to star Sam Worthington as Vlad the Impaler because he is the only actor in Hollywood who can't do a human-on-human love story, I guess. First, he was a machine in love with a human and then he was a human in love with a giant blue cat-monkey, and now he's a soulless undead abomination probably in love with a horse. Just kidding. I made that part up. If that were true it wouldn't be much of a vampire movie and would probably be illegal to watch in Utah. Also, Sam Worthington is nice and sulky, and that's the best kind of vampire if you don't count the sparkle ones. Sulky vampires something something lay around all day. Man that joke would've been awesome, I bet.

Avatar_movie_image_james_cameron_sam_worthington_01

Why must I love you, blue Cat-Monkey? Why?

The good news is Dracula: Year Zero is going to be directed by Alex Proyas, who directed Dark City which overcame all the Keifer Sutherland in it and went on to be a decent movie. And sure,maybe since then he's directed I, Robot which could not overcome the Will Smith and Knowing which could not overcome the Nicholas Cage, but The Crow was great, right? Brandon Lee kicking ass as a super-sarcastic undead superhero with eyeliner? High Five! I believe in you Alex Proyas...I believe.

Proyas, who I'm totally referring to by his last name just like a real journalist would, says Dracula: Year Zero will be based loosely on the real life of Vlad the Impaler with a generous portion of vampire lore sprinkled in, because history is never as interesting as the shit uneducated, scared people make up to explain things they don't understand. Like the Chupacabra is probably just a dwarf stuck in a Cat in the Hat Halloween Costume who got hungry and decided he'd eat babies.  See kids? Nothing to fear there! 

We've already seen the romantic, broody,no sex-having teen vampires who talk about their problems. I seriously hope this Dracula is a lot more beheadings and a lot less sparkle baseball and teen angst. I want to see a new version of the ancient horror vampire. Hopefully in 3D so they can charge me five bucks more per ticket. I think we all know who the REAL blood-suckers are! (zing!) 

*This paragraph is so sarcastic it probably needs an OSHA inspector to come out and test it to see if it causes cancer. Well you aren't coming in HERE without a court-order OSHA inspector! HAHAHAHAHA!







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Comments

MayoPie

I think they should make a vampire movie based on the love boat. Just think of Isaac as a vampire. Go ahead...

See? Its actually not a bad idea. Julie could perpetually fight the thirst and sustains herself by sucking on whales and swordfish. Or other fish. Great whites would be the best. We'll hammer it out.

Jen O.

I could never really get behind vampire movies. Blood doesn't taste that great, so I never really bought it.

And again? With the dwarfs? And this time they eat babies?




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