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Shutter Island: No Donkeys. Not Even ONE!

Shutter-island-2010-wallpaper Shutter Island opens today and the only reason I mention it is because I have to write something or else they'll give my spot to a elephant that can paint with it's trunk or an adorable picture of a kitten. Directed by Martin Scorsese and Acted by Leonardo DiCaprio and based on the book (which is awesome) by Dennis Lehane, you would think I'd be super-excited about going to see it. And yet, once again I would have out-maneuvered you and used your own ideas against you. I am not excited. You're totally wrong. Check and mate.

Don't get me wrong, if you're Dennis Lehane's mom. Your son can write, Mrs. L. And Shutter Island is easily my favorite novel of his for lots of reasons. Most of which are this...unlike Mystic River and Gone, Baby, Gone, Shutter Island doesn't have pedophilia crawling all over it. That's a big bonus with me. And also it takes place in Massachusetts and have you even HEARD those people talk?  HAHAHAHHAHA!* My point is, I sorta doubt the movie will be able to capture that whole "I just dropped 3 tabs of LSD and now someone is trying to cover me in bugs and sadness." feel that the book had. That's maybe not necessarily a bad thing, because according to top researchers that I just made up, watching Leonardo DiCaprio affect an outrageous Boston accent WILL lead to  psychosis, paralysis and eventually death if left untreated. I saw Gangs of New York I know what untreated DiCaprification looks like.

Scorsese is a great director and it sure sounds like I am comfortable enough with him to refer to him by his last name, but trust me, that's all smoke and mirrors for your benefit. I've never met the man. With him being a great director, it is unlikely Shutter Island will suck. It will probably be a reasonable adaptation of an awesome book and sure maybe in the trailer Leonardo's girl turns into smoke and there is a woman going bald and whispering all creepy-like and something with screaming and a guy with a huge scar and one  eye who isn't even a pirate, but at least there aren't any donkeys. Donkeys kill the suspense I've found. I like the girl who turns into smoke because she sets a good example. You see ladies, sometimes  when you pick up tortillas off the kitchen floor with your toes and put them back in the bag they are still super-edible, and how was I supposed to know she was an uptight clean freak in the first place? Jeez. Somebody is due to turn into smoke right about now, I think.

I checked some on-line reviews to see what my colleagues have to say about it, but they are using words like "noir" and "subtle undertones" and they are saying other fancy things that I will aloofly make slow-motion masturbating gestures at because I don't understand them. It sounds like they are all pretty "Meh." about the film. And then I'm all "Hey! Yeah! Right? I know! Right?" and then they are getting another glass of champagne and ignoring me and I swear I saw Richard Roeper roll his eyes at me and then the bouncer is telling me it's a private party sir and moving me to the door a little more roughly than I would like, so I freak out and threaten to call the fire department because there is NO WAY this building is up to code! I hate those movie reviewer parties anyway! Buncha stiffs. 

Here's the trailer  Go ahead and watch for donkeys. You won't see ANY. I promise.

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Jen O.

Maybe before you go to the movie, you could actually drop 3 tabs of LSD, stuff a couple of cockroaches in your coat pocket and punch yourself in the nuts, then the movie might equal the book? I don't know. I'm only trying to help. I can see you need it.

Washington "Hee Haw" Cube

I really like Dennis Lehane's writing for the most part, but he doesn't bat solid, as you've noted. Some of his best work was when he wrote for "The Wire."

I did enjoy "Shutter Island," the book. I liked it's darkness and twists and turns. I worry about Lehane's books made into movies. Did you see that Ben Affleck mess? And I read recently that Affleck is doing another one, based on a Lehane work. Mothah of Gawd. Spah us.

I have met Mr. Scorcese. He wears gorgeous well-tailored suits, and he is very, very short. How short? SHORT! So short that Martin Short isn't even Martin Short anymore but Martin _____. And have you been watching Martin Short on "Damages?" Wowza.

I love Mr. Scorcese's passion for film. I love what he brings to his films. I do not, however, understand his current passion for Leo. Why can't he be fixated on....oh...Ryan Gosling. Did he not see what Ryan could pull out of himself acting against an inflatable doll?

You know. Donkeys played an interesting role in "The Godfather" (the book not the movie.) I guess they couldn't have used that scene in the early '70's although they did have Fredo sipping his Cuba Libres while taking the Don's guests to see Superman. Now if they had just added the donkey to that show. Or had a donkey in the casino in "Casino" shooting cigarettes out it's ass. Or using a donkey as a pack mule in "Goodfellas," so when Joe Pesce borrows his mother's knife to chop the deer's "paw" it could have been a donkey "paw." And "Mean Streets?" Have you ever marched in a parade behind a horse...or a donkey? Step, Step, (look down) DOUBLE STEP!

Yeah..anyway...I'll go see "Shutter Island" because I like Scorcese and I liked the book. Go ahead. Make my day. Ruin it. Leave out the donkeys. Don't tell ME "It's only business."


Kurt, no matter what kind of mood I'm in, you ALWAYS make me laugh! And I love you for that!


Begging my squeamish husband to take me to see this. I think I'm wearing him down with my whining. As much as he hates creepy movies, he hates whining more. I use this information to my advantage.
Surprisingly, the ads have not triggered my recurring nightmare that I become Leo's mother-in-law. This is good, because really? I'd rather see the spiders.

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