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Something's Wrong With Angelina Jolie's Face: It's Officially Time to Panic

1ngelina_jolie As it turns out, Angelina Jolie has something weird happening on her face. And I think we all should talk about it. Because her face and things happening to her face are important.

She has some odd-looking muscle protrusions below her jaw-line. And Us Magazine.com has assembled a crack team of doctors to figure out what in God's name is happening to Angelina Jolie's face. Everyone try to stay calm.

Not the good half of Brangelina. Say it ain't so. Doctors will surely find a way to make her not age without her looking like someone drew lips on a Shamwow and stretched it over a medicine ball. We need the best team on this, stat!  We need doctors, people. Please look at her face and tell us what's wrong with it. My friends and I will wait...


So what's the scoop, doc? It's hot in here and I'm dying to know. Is it serious? Should I stay sitting down? I'm going to stay sitting down. Go ahead. Let me have it.

Well, Mr. Pie, from what we can see from these photos, we believe she put food poisoning in her face, more commonly known as "Botox".



Wait. You said "food poisoning", doc.

Yes, I did, Mr Pie. You see, Botox is made from Botulinum Toxin Type. It's a protein complex produced by a bacterium. The same toxin that results in food poisoning.

Was something living in her face that she was trying to kill?

Yes, we think so. Those dreaded muscles that breathe life into it when we speak, laugh, or try to say something without actually saying it. The medical term is "facial expression".  

Ummm... facial expressions are good, right? Aren't those muscles supposed to live in your face? Why would she want to kill them?

To make her look awesome.

Oh. But how can that make you look awesome?

You see, people receive Botox injections because it paralyzes certain muscles in their faces. When these muscles don't contract, it keeps their skin from wrinkling. Unfortunately, other muscles compensate and sometimes grow stronger and get larger. It's your face's way of trying to undo you poisoning it. But the hope is you'll stay looking like this:


 Oh. That is pretty. Seems risky, though. On one hand, you can stay looking awesome beyond your time. On the other, your muscles can start popping out of your face. Huh. Are there any other side effects of Botox?

Not really. Just headaches, respiratory problems, flu-like symptoms, nausea, infection, facial pain, muscle weakness, eye drooping and redness at the injection site. But, generally speaking, those are temporary (crosses fingers).

Oh. So, injecting food poisoning into your face to kill your face muscles seems like a really good idea and 100% smart and everything, yet it does carry risks like getting every sickness we desperately avoid. But they'll probably go away, right?

Exactly. Probably.

Wow. Did you used to sell cars? Sign me up. If you put some in my tricep, will my bicep get larger? That could be a great alternative to working out. I'm not fond of heavy things. I don't fight gravity. I roll with it. Forget it... this is about Angelina. Sorry. We'll talk about me later. Anything else?

Hmmm... I'll think about the arm thing. Anyway, a couple of us also believe she had a "minimally invasive procedure", but one guy on the team believes she's had nothing done at all. That the cause of her protrusions is completely natural, having to do with her thinning skin stretching over her jaw-line. He believes she's actually aging! But we would never let that happen.

I'm glad to hear that, doc. Sounds like we've found that 10th doctor who never agrees with the other 9. I think we should stone him. 

Already done.

Seriously? Damn. I wish you would have told me. I would have at least liked to watch, maybe thrown a stone or two. I haven't stoned an unpopular in weeks. Maybe next time, huh? So... where do we go from here?

Well, you can be sure we'll be monitoring her face around the clock to spot any signs of aging and, of course, whether or not it's natural or man-made. We have four people on her lips alone. Thank you for calling us.

Thank you, doc. I admire your commitment to her face and its changes. Sorry to page you 911, but as you can see, it was really important. Look into that food poisoning in my arm thing. I'll be in touch.


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Would you be embarrassed if I said I love you?


Would somebody send her poor eatingdisordered ass to therapy already? Everytime I see her boney body in a picture I feel so bad for her and I think someone should just make her eat a sandwich. Or ten. Eat some carbs and fat woman!

All these poor famous people who have so much money to buy the most delicious foods.... and then they don't.


i don't even try to throw out witty comments at mayopie bc i will FAIL-FAIL-FAIL when compared to his indomitable pop culture stylings.
instead i shall simply curtsy in the presence of your greatness and say:
per usual, top notch post, good sir...

Apryl's Antics

In third grade, I once left a tupperware container of salad in my lunch box for a week. If only I had known then that I could inject what was inside of it into my face to kill those annoying facial expressions! I could have had a major headstart (pun intended).

Jen O.

Who was the person to first try Botox? "G'head, Doc. Kill those wrinkles. SHHT! *fingers in ears* DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS. Lalala." I mean, people. It's poison. The skull and crossbones on the label is a WARNING not a map to where it should be injected.

Just don't get it.


You know it might not botox. Maybe she's just part Klingon... and those ridges just happen to be on her jaw instead of her forehead. Come to think of it, not all Klingons have that ridgey forehead so, see? I'm on to someting! Plus Klingons are total badass and just look at the movie roles Angie seems to prefer? I'm right. She's a Klingon. If her hairline starts receeding it will totally prove it.


I wanted to comment on your 'other' post. You know which.

It was about me, right?

I was practically blushing reading it. Aw, shucks.

(Look at me, gaming the system here... huh. Go figure.)


This is really cracking me up right now. Funny stuff..

red pen mama

That was hilarious. Thank you.

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