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"The Bachelor: On The Wings of A VIRGIN?!?!" Recap

6a00d8341c5d9653ef0120a7eb1081970b I'm gonna get this right out there now, kids. This recap? I'm working a little blue this week. Not sad blue, NSFW language blue. I know, you're horrified. So get all literate kiddies out of the room and let's do this!

Previously, on "The Bachelor": Road trip! Lots of "WOOOOOOOOO!" from the "ladies." Vienna and Ali hate each other with way more passion than they like Jake. Speaking of Jake, he boots Ella, Kathryn AND Ashleigh AND Jessie!!!!! And it was AWESOME. Total Bachelor bloodbath. Wheat from the chaff, girls. Ali snarks that if Jake likes Vienna, then Ali isn't the girl for him, because she's not a dirty whore who shaves at least 10 years off her age on legal documents.

Tonight! We're in scenic San Francisco, and Jakey has five "ladies" left. The "coming up tonight" clips show Jake cockblocking himself OVER AND OVER as per usual and the girls are all piddling themselves with nerves.

Gia interviews that they're ending the road trip in SF, that Jake slaughtered the herd by four last week, and that whoever survives this week gets HOME VISITS. YES. Home visits are the best, especially when the chicks' families are better suited for "Cops" or "Intervention." Next week is going to rule.

Ali tells us for the first, but definitely not the last time that SF is her town, baby, so she's super confident about being there. Jake is already freaking about meeting parents next week. Vienna's drooling over being in "the big city" and not being in a goddamn tour bus anymore. Jake tells us that there are three one on ones, and one two-on-one dates. Obviously no one wants the two-on-one, because this is not a porno.
YET.

First one on one is Tenley. "Let's get our love on track in San Francisco," the note reads. The girls pretend to be excited for Tenley. Woo-ing and bouncing implants. Tenley's "finally getting a one on one date" and now shit is real for her. She starts having heart palpitations and is halfway to a full blown panic attack at the idea of having this date as we go to our first commercial. Yes, there are only five girls left and this sucker is STILL two hours long. I open my first energy drink and take a Klonopin.

Jake and Tenley. Jake likes that Tenley's so positive, but ALSO knows that she's gotta be totally screwed up in the brainpan from her divorce. And as we all know, Jake likes his women damaged, so thinking about this gives him half a chubber already.

Trolleys. SF establishing B-roll. Tenley voiceovers that she hasn't let herself feel anything for a dude since her divorce. But she's ready now, baby. Aw, yeah, Tenley is ready for some ack-shon.

They go to Chinatown. It's like a "foreign country" to Jake. Yes, dippy, that's why they dubbed it "CHINATOWN." Dipshit. They do lame touristy stuff like making their own fortune cookies. Jake appreciates that Tenley's been patient and they swap spit for a spell. Tenley thinks falling in love in SF would be the bees knees. Jake's "falling" for Tenley, so he wants to ruin all the fun by asking her tough questions about the future and totally squashing the mood. That Jake. As smooth as ten miles of bad road.

Back at the hotel, the girls get the next date card. If Ali and Vienna get the two-on-one, there will be blood. Corrie says that it IS Ali and Vienna. Ali's gonna barf. The tension is insane. Corrie's just kidding. HA! That was AWESOME. It's really Gia and Vienna. Vienna calls out Ali on her blatant rudeness. They bicker. Ali talks out of her ass, saying she never said anything bad about Vienna. Riiiiiight. Vienna interviews that she's not here to make friends (drink) and Ali isn't going to "break up" Vienna and Jake. We get a sparkle of The Crazy in Vienna's eye as she says this.

Commercials. So we're to believe Amelia Earhart was hetero in movie-land? Sure, let's run with that.

Back on the Tenley/Jake date, they go to dinner at the top of a tower. Jake voiceovers as they canoodle that he can totally see Tenley as his wife, BUT!!!!! She's a TAINTED DIVORCEE, so let's DEFINITELY bring that up again. So, Jake, he of No Game, does exactly that. Awesomely, Tenley is all "Are you SERIOUSLY bringing up my divorce again? Seriously?!?!" Jake asks what she did wrong in her marriage. She took things for granted. This is SO AWKWARD, GUYS. Tenley is flustered. She turns it on Jake. What does HE expect from marriage? He expects his wife to always have his back. ALWAYS even when he's stupid and wrong. Marriage isn't perfect, but love is. Oh VOMIT. Tenley presses on! Cheating! Looking at other women! Jake says the woman he marries is the last woman he'll ever look at. He gets out of this awkward moment by shoving his tongue in Tenley's mouth. They then take a break to open the fortune cookies they made, and SURPRISE! They both read "Kiss Me." They obey the cookies. I used to obey cookies before this geedee MamaPop Biggest Loser thing. Sigh. I miss you, cookies.

Jake interviews that he wouldn't change a thing about Tenley, even the fact that she is a TAINTED DIVORCEE. Dios mio, don't drink every time Jake brings up Tenley's divorce, guys. You'll be in ICU by the third commercial. Also? Jake is wearing a very ill-advised turtleneck that looks like a wetsuit. Just FYI.

Commercials. Dear John: I will not be seeing the film "Dear John" as "The Notebook" gave me hives. No love, Miss Banshee.

Back at the hotel. A trunk arrives for Gia and Vienna to be "queens of a castle." What's in the trunk? The clearance rack from Ross The Look For Less, that's what! Yay! In the limo, the tension betwixt Gia and Vienna is palpable. They think this whole double date thing sucks ass. Jake is nervous that he can't divide his time between the two chicks properly. "It's almost awkward," quoth Captain Obvious.

They pull up at a gorgeous vineyard with a castle. Vienna hits us with this: "I'm my dad's princess and now I can be Jake's queen." I throw up a little in my mouth.They explore the castle, where they will be SPENDING THE NIGHT. YES. Wine is imbibed. Gia already "feels like a third wheel" and bitches about it for a spell as Jake and Vienna make googoo eyes at each other.

Back at the hotel, the other girls talk about, of course, how much they hate Vienna. They opine that the double date is an excuse for Jake to pick one or the other. Interesting deduction, Tenley! Good job.

At the castle, Vienna tattles that Ali was talking trash about her at the last rose ceremony. She pretends to tear up. Jake is all "why isn't there more drinking and less talking, girls? You're here, the others aren't, so quit yer bitchin." Gia plays with her hair. Vienna prattles on and on about Ali and how much she sucks. Jake can't take it anymore and practically drags Gia out by her hair for some private time. As they leave, Gia says in the most evil, haughty tone EVER (I love it) "YOU can eat my salmon." This is code for "YOU can eat my dust, you haggard witch, I'm off to give Jake blue balls. SUCKER." I swear Gia's eyes glow red for a second there, too. It's GREAT. They leave, Vienna interviews that well, THAT sucked, and that she is SO much more compatible for Jake blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Gia interviews that she's insecure, she's a third wheel, wah. She basically says the same thing to Jake, saying she doesn't feel special, and that she thought SHE was the only one Jake felt up, and all the other chicks are all, "oh, he spread eagles my legs on his lap too, you're not a special snowflake, Gia, sorry!" This makes Gia pout and Jake looks BUSTED. He assures Gia that she IS a special snowflake and that he's totally into her, blah blah blah the same shit he says to all the other chicks. It works. Tonsil hockey. Jake says it's okay for her to fall for him. Whatever.

Vienna, who grows crazier by the nanosecond, takes a lantern and goes searching the castle for Jake. Oh, this will end well.

Commercials. Well here it is. The fucking "Valentine's Day" movie commercial. I WARNED Twitter last night that if I saw this fucking commercial I would not be responsible for my actions, and so I just have to say this: Fuck this movie, fuck Valentine's Day, fuck every actor in this tripe, fuck happy couples (except you, readers, you know I love each and every one of you) and that I would rather get root canal with a rusty nail than see this movie, which is not unlike rubbing sea salt into the open sore of all of us singletons and I want this movie to DIE IN A FIRE, and I hope all the writers and producers and every single person involved with this movie gets chlamydia. 

Vienna's wandering the castle in the dark, looking for Jake and freaking out. YOU HAVE A WHOLE CAMERA CREW WITH YOU, DUDE. This isn't Ghost Hunters. Cut to Gia and Jake making out as Vienna finds them and SCREAMS. Cockblock. Gia morosely wanders off. Grow a pair, Gia.

Jake reads the cue card that says "So, your thoughts on marriage?" Vienna says she wants them to be like little kids in love and kissing all the time and hearts and bunnies and flowers all the time. Barf.

Hotel: Corrie gets the one on one date. "Go for a walk in the park" is what they are going to do. Woo-ing.

Jake drops the girls off at their bedroom and bolts. Vienna Manson Lamps that she wants to be the last thing he thinks about before he goes to sleep, and she sneaks off to ambush him in his bedroom. Gia's all "whatever, crazy whore."

Vienna surprises a nearly "nekkid" Jake in bed with wine. Jake is totally pitching a tent. However. This is where Jake's pathology really comes into play. It is my observation that Jakey LOVES getting turned on and then SLAMMING the brakes. I think Jake gets off on NOT getting off. There's nothing he loves more than a set of blue balls. It's a serious fetish. I bet he has a collection of cockrings and a ball gag too. Jake loves sexual pain, dudes. That's why he's CONSTANTLY cockblocking himself. It makes Little Jake happy to be aroused and denied. Fascinating sexual deviancy stuff that I could go on forever about. But I won't, because this is a recap, and not a manifesto on sexual dysfunction.

"Cheers!" Vienna crazies, shoving the wine at Jake. "To what?" "To the roofie I put in your wine, silly!" Jake, whose testicles are navy blue at this point, tells Vienna to split. She pouts and leaves, second guessing the whole "jumping into the bed like a mental patient" tactic.

Commercials. Jared diamond spot. Some dope asks his girlfriend to marry him on camera. Go to abc.com to find out if she said yes. If I could roll my eyes any harder, I'd be looking at my own brain stem.

Corrie gets a one on one. She gets this date because she's wicked boring and Jake keeps forgetting her name. Don't worry, he wrote it on his hand. He takes her to the park and THEY'RE ON A BOAT, YO. Sadly, neither of them fall in and drown. Two geese say "MAKE OUT, YA BASTARDS" only in goose-speak. Corrie is pleased. They stare at each other. Geese. Water. Staring. Corrie interviews that she doesn't go in for the kiss. It should be 90/10 on the man's side. Jake interviews that the man should do the kissing. He puts the average at 80/20. Math makes me dizzy. When I come to, they're still not kissing.

Hotel. "I want to leave my heart in San Francisco, show me your city" is the note for Ali. Vienna stares daggers.

Corrie and Jake are at a closed museum so they can not make out some more. AH MAH GAHD they are as exciting as a mayonnaise sandwich on Wonder Bread. Even copious wine doesn't help. This is a disaster. I'm falling asleep. Awkward conversation. FINALLY, Jake says "what's the deal, will you move to Dallas for me, tell me something, anything, oh my GOD I am so bored." Or something like that.

THEN! Corrie drops the bomb. Sure, she'll move to Dallas. And get her own apartment. No co-habitating! Jake wakes up a little. No sex before marriage, he asks? Nope. Is she a VIRGIN? Yep. FINALLY! Jake's totally interested now. Because as we know, a pulsating set of blue balls is what Jakey loves the best, and if there's anyone Jake loves more than the mentally ill, it's VIRGINS. Oh happy day! NOW they make out, because Jake is SO turned on by the idea of Corrie being a virgin he's practically messing his pants. I nearly fall off the couch at the thought of doing a full psychological workup on ol' Jake. That's my idea of fun, folks. I'm a nerd to the core.

Commercials. Did you know "LOST" is coming back? Because there's been so little press about it, I really had no idea.

Ali primps for her date. She lives in SF. WE GET IT. The other girls tell her how cute she looks in the most insincere way possible. Jake comes to the door and Vienna LEAPS up to answer it. Not desperate at all, that Vienna. Ali grabs her huge tote bag and they're off to HER neighborhood in HER city, where SHE knows everything and oh my god we get it, my cats get it, my dead grandmother gets it, WE ALL GET IT. 

Ali is wearing the most unflattering pirate boots EVER. They make her look short and stumpy and I hate them and I hate her. Time for another energy drink as we get B-roll of San Francisco.

They come upon a flower stand and Jake asks what her favorite is. You'd think Ali had half a brain and would say roses, since they're the representation of THE WHOLE FUCKING SHOW but no, it's daisies for her. Jake buys her some lilies instead. She calls Jake "her big flower" which is SO flattering to the male ego, I'm SURE.

Hotel. The remaining girls bitch that Ali's gotten two one-on-ones, and there's a rose ceremony tonight.

Back on the date, they go to a restaurant to talk! About serious things! Because Jake's having too good of a time and he needs a good cockblock. What's a typical Sunday for Ali? Work. Email. Boring. BORING. Ali is boring. So how about that hometown trip? Ali "doesn't come from that picture perfect family." OOOOH TELL ME MORE, Jake's eyebrows say. Visions of meth kitchens, rampant alcoholism and hopefully an Uncle Bad Touch dance in Jake's head. He, of course, now makes out with her, because he is SO turned on by the idea of Ali coming from a trailer park with a Camaro on blocks in the front yard.

Commercials. Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland" is. Going. To. Kick. Ass.

More SF B-roll. Yawn. Ali reminds us AGAIN it's "her city." Close up on her uggo boots. Blech. Ali straddles Jake to give him a backrub. And a front rub. Ahhhhh, unresolved sexual arousal. Jake's favorite. Ali pretends to be humble as her implants are EVERYWHERE.

As they drink champagne, Jake cockblocks by bringing up the last rose ceremony, where Ali had her tantrum about Vienna. Ali wanders around the topic, not really answering anything. She's DYING to say Vienna is a twat, and Jake knows it. Ali Manson Lamps, but says she trusts Jake. Tonsil hockey.

They jump into the surf. Ali! Suede boots! Ruined! Not that I mind, they're heinous. A dog randomly flings himself into the ocean, choosing canine suicide over watching Ali and Jake make out.

Commercials. Dude, if they cut HALF of these commercials, this fucking show wouldn't have to be two goddamn hours and maybe I'd finish this recap before my Mastercard expires. 

Tenley. Her heart is racing. Dude, do you need first aid? This is the second time you've brought up chest pain. Rose Ceremony approacheth. Next stop, hometown visits. Someone gets the boot, even though he pink puffy hearts all of them. Tenley feels insecure. Is she stroking his crotch? Jake interviews that this is the first time he's seen Tenley "start to fall apart." This, of course, gives him a raging hard-on. Kissing.

Jake trades out Tenley for The Virgin Corrie. She wasn't expecting to have the Virgin conversation. Jake is all "I LOVE THAT YOU'RE A VIRGIN IT MAKES ME SPOO IN MY SHORTS." More kissing.

Gia's one on one time. She hates that she was on a double date. She uses "third wheel" again, and says that Jake passed a test for booting Vienna from his bedroom. Gia doesn't understand yet that blue balls make Jake happier than a pig in shit, man. She'll learn.

Jake pulls Vienna aside and wants to reassure her that even though he kicked her out of bed, he still wuvs her, so he takes her to a balcony and throws her off to her bloody demise on the pavement below.

Just kidding, they look at the view and talk about how much the double date thing sucked. More kissing. Man, this whole show is begging for an outbreak of oral herpes. THAT WOULD BE HILARIOUS.

Commercials. A spot for KY Jelly. How appropriate. Just not for Jake. He likes pain too much.

CHRIS HARRISON!!!!! How I've missed your hairplugs, Chrissie. He gets down to brass tacks. Hometown visits are nothing to be trifled with, so don't "break up" with the wrong person. We re-visit all the dates in case we've forgotten that Tenley is marriage material, Gia has no self esteem, Corrie is a virgin, Vienna's a whore, and Ali lives in San Francisco. Got it, Harrison. You're just walking in, but some of us have been recapping this bitch for four hours.

Commercials. Buy your girlfriend a diamond engagement ring or she'll never give you oral sex. 

Five girls! Four roses! Jake yaps that he fell for all of them, they're amazing, he wishes he had five roses but he doesn't, SO! Tenley gets a rose. As does Ali. Gia and her insecurity get a rose. And! Will it be the Madonna or the Whore!!??!??!?! VIRGIN OR PSYCHO, JAKE, WHO WILL IT BE?!?!??

It's Vienna, obviously. Jake walks Corrie to the unmarked van and interviews that he wants a cocktease, not someone who won't even torment him sexually. HE NEEDS THAT SWEET PAIN, CORRIE.

Next week! Hometown visits! Drunken relatives! Masshole accents! Someone's father all but threatens Jake with physical harm. And A BOMBSHELL NO ONE WAS EXPECTING.

See you next week, betches! MWAH!


. . . . .
Miss Banshee went to all-girls Catholic school, so she's an expert on blue balls.







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Comments

The Packet Queen

My Tuesday mornings are not complete without this recap, you make me laugh so hard I cry - THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

Katie

Yup, I guess I'm gonna have to youtube this one also, I need to see that castle scene for sure!

cindy w

Ok, I have never watched the Bachelor before, and I only know the snippets that I see on "The Soup," but that is some seriously funny shit.

Amy H

God I love you!!

I am in the Philippines for a work trip and missed The Bachelor the last 2 Mondays. Reading your updates has saved my sanity. Almost makes me sad that I fly home tomorrow and will actually watch the show next week.

The commercials might be the best part of the whole recap. Thanks for the laughs! (and also, are you trying to get me fired? I am supposed to be WORKING here.)

ozma

I only watched one episode of The Bachelor in my life. I am amazed that any woman remains heterosexual after watching The Bachelor.

If there were a radical lesbian recruitment video, this would be it. If we want to re-educate heterosexual women who are resistant to feminism, I think one day of 'Rock of Love' and 'The Bachelor' and they will be clamoring to join the lesbian separatist community I founded after watching that single episode.

ozma

Also, women who have actually dated men on a regular basis--unlike me, who married pretty much the first man I dated--is this kind of servility par for the course? Can you receive a red rose without vomiting? Red roses. Shudder.

ozma

Gawd, I'm sorry to repost but I forgot to say how hilarious and brilliant this post is. I love the segues into fantasy "throws her off to her bloody demise."

Brilliant.

txtingmrdarcy

Blue balls, suicidal dogs and fugly boots... Spot on, Miss Banshee.

Apparently I am all about the masochism too because I keep. watching. this. damn. show.

*shame*

Suzy Q

Will you marry me? I promise to never give you roses.

gabrielle

I would not watch this show, ever, but I also cannot bear to miss your recaps. You are totally hilarious. I pink puffy heart you!

When this godawful trainwreck ends for the season, pretty please find something equally heinous to recap for us!

Leah

Few things:

1. The tower Jakey and Tenley visited? Coit Tower. COIT. (I know this because San Francisco is also MY town! Woo!)

2. I think the proper term in "caninicide."

3. I hope the hometown date is when I get confirmation that Vienna's name is not really Vienna but that she chose it because it was the closest she could come to "Paris" without actually being "Paris," because oh no, that would be TOO obvious.

funda62

Dear Miss Banshee, I love a woman who can mix metaphors and legal drugs. I have never seen an episode of this show and thanks to you I don't have to. I think I may be in love.

SciFi Dad

They're making a movie about Amelia Bedelia?

Laurie Ann

OMG, that Corrie/Jake rowboat scene was one singing crab away from "The Little Mermaid." KISS HER!!! It was the most awkward date since the guy who couldn't get it up last season on The Bachelorette.

Julie K

So flippin' funny! You're killing with this one, and like some above, now I gotta go watch this mess just to see (and root for the demise of) the Pirate Boots. (Also, Paranormal State huntdown at the castle.)

I'm with you, sister on the "Valentine's Day" movie. I want to take up a new career as an anchoress just to avoid it. Even the chubby little winged guy is puking his guts out.




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