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"The Bachelor: On The Wings of CHOOSE, ALREADY" Recap

 6a00d8341c5d9653ef0120a7eb1081970b It's Meet The Parents Time, and then! The shocker! No one! Was! Expecting! This is The Bachelor, and let's get down and dirty, just like Jakey likes it. Psych, we all know Jake loves getting aroused and denied, and BOY, does he ever THIS week! It is on like Donkey Kong, beeshes.

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No "previously on The Bachelor," this week, just scenes with various parents making various thinly veiled threats to Jake and the girls schmooping all over Jake, and Jake saying with a STRAIGHT FACE that he is rilly, rilly truly, falling in love with four women. My eyes, they roll.

Jake's SUPER PSYCHED about family visits. He desperately craves approval. I jot that down on my psychological evaluation of Jake, which will be my doctoral thesis someday, as he reminds us that hell, he could be proposing to one of these skanks, and that, dudes, is a pretty big deal. Thanks, Capt. Obvious.

B-roll of my beloved NYC. And there's Joker-face Gia, flipping her weave in the wind, sooooo excited to show Jake her city. He gets out of the Unmarked Van and Gia LEAPS into his arms as she voiceovers that she's insecure (drink) but now that she's got Jake on her turf, she feels a little more confident. "Here's the city!" she points out pointlessly. They're gonna tour the city by YACHT, apparently, where Gia can be completely useless as she carefully points out tiny details of the city like the Empire State Building and the Statue of Liberty. They're easy to miss. Jeebus, Gia, he's from Dallas, not the planet Endor. They take pictures and marvel at the skyline. I yawn. Only someone as boring as Gia could make a tour of NYC dull.

Jake is falling for Gia. Gia is falling for Jake. Smooching. This would mean something if he didn't do and say THE EXACT SAME THING to all the other skanks. But he does, so it rings as false as these chicks' tits.

WHOA! Apparently they were having too good a time for a moment there, talking about the future and happiness together and unicorns and rainbows, because Jake cockblocks himself (shocker) by dropping the "so, you've had terrible relationships that destroyed your self-esteem, eh? Tell me more, it's like honey dust on my dangly bits to hear about how damaged all y'all are." This cues Gia's hemming and hawing about her rotten ex-boyfriends as Jake gets more and more aroused. Gia starts to get weepy. Jake's hard as a rock. Jake is learning about Gia. She's been hurt! YIPPEE!!!!! That's much more important than having a personality.

Commercials. Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman treats us to the first of ENDLESS Valentine's jewelry commercials. These, as you will see, will make your humble recapper angrier and meaner throughout the show.

Time to meet the parents! They go to a restaurant and meet Mom, Stepdad, Gel-Monkey Stepbrother, and pre-teen half-brother, who hides behind his emo bangs the entire time. Cheer up, emo kid. Perhaps he's emo because Mom has the thickest, most stereotypical Noo Yawk accent in the universe, and I wait, bouncing on the edge of my couch, for her to scream "PROSTITUTION WHORE" and flip a table, but sadly, I wait in vain.

Mom and Gia hug and cry as Gia interviews that her family worries because all her boyfriends have been douchebags. It's one on one time with Mama Gia. He's dating four girls. Is Mama really to believe he loves all of them? Tell her what makes Gia special, dammit! GO MAMA GIA. Jake gives the prerequisite non-answer that Gia is a special perfect snowflake blah blah blah the same thing he says about all the girls. Mama Gia falls for it. I think Mama Gia's been drinking since noon.

Gia and Gel Monkey discuss her rotten ex-boyfriends. He doesn't want her to get hurt again. I can't stop looking at the hideous aqua wrap that Gia's wearing. Gel Monkey's hair, dude. Don't light a match.

Back with Jake and Mama Gia, he'll spend the rest of his life making her happy. Mama Gia is falling for all of this, immediately throwing the whole "YOU SAY YOU LOVE FOUR WOMEN, THIS ISN'T BIG LOVE, ASSHOLE" down the toilet. Shame. Gia reminds Mama of the three other chicks. Mama says that she KNOWS Gia is the only one for Jake. Gia, who is too boring and insecure to make her own decisions, abandons her (warranted) reservations and whimpers to her mommy that she wants a fairy tale. She's doomed.

Now Gel Monkey, next to be seen in Season 2 of Jersey Shore,  has his claws in Jake. He blatantly threatens to have Jake's knees shattered if he fucks this up. Everyone laughs, because they know he's not kidding. Ah, so refreshing to see a totally non-stereotypical New York Italian family. Sigh.

Gia and Jake sit on someone's stoop and make out. I hope someone drops a flowerpot on their heads. The increasingly meaningless words "I love this girl" are thrown around. Sadly, no homeless crack addict stops to serenade and/or urinate on them.

Commercials: Kids are fat. FAT. FATTY FATTY TWO BY FOUR, CAN'T FIT THROUGH THE SCHOOLHOUSE DOOR. And Good Morning America will tell you why. They're not on the MamaPopLoser plan, THAT's why!

We're with Ali in Williamstown, Mass. Ali is ready to leave the Vienna drama behind and focus on Jake. Jake's super stoked, because, if you haven't noticed, he's TOTES IN LOVE. With four different women. Right. Jake, ever so manly, whines that he's cold, and admires the fall foliage. This is utterly thrilling. They throw leaves on each other and make wishes. I wish this scene would end. Smoochage. A cardinal watches from a tree, but sadly does not poop on them.

THEN EVERYTHING GETS WEIRD, YOU GUYS.

Ali starts talking about how the last time she was in Billsville, it was for her granny's funeral. Ali loves her granny. Ali talks at LENGTH about her granny. Ali takes Jake to her DEAD GRANNY'S HOUSE. Um, wait a minute. Hold up, dudes. Dead Granny isn't still...residing in this house, is she? We don't have a Mother Bates situation up in this bitch, do we? Yipes. It's weird and awkward and uncomfortable but that doesn't stop Ali and Jake from making out right on Dead Granny's front walkway. Respectful! Jake loves all of this, of course, because Dead Granny being dead has damaged Ali, and that's like a wee fistful of Viagra to Jake.

Commercials: I think I've made my thoughts on the film Valentine's Day quite clear. This is why Miss Banshee isn't allowed to have sharp objects in her home.

Let's meet the LIVING members of Ali's family! We meet Mom, sister, and brother. Last time Ali brought home a guy, her mom said he sucked, which he did, so Ali trusts her mom. Mom's been Googling Jake. She also wants to drag him outside to get to know him "as a mom." As they chat, Ali and her sister drink the rest of the wine and giggle about the cute boy. Jake gives the same speech he gave Gia's mom about how much he loooooooves her daughter, and Ali's mom falls for it as well. This is making me nauseated. Seriously, it's like Jake is Hypnotoad when it comes to wooing parents.

By the fire, Jake congratulates himself for making such a good impression, and Ali agrees. If he proposed today, she'd say yes. Jake panics at this and quickly jams his tongue in her mouth instead of answering. Ali is fine with this. Sucka.

Commercials: Another Jared Jewelers spot where some dope proposes onscreen to his girlfriend. Go to ABC.com to see if she says yes. Go to MamaPop.com to read Miss Banshee's vitriol about Valentine's Day.

B-roll of Newburgh, Oregon to see Tenley, THE TAINTED DIVORCEE. She's wearing an adorable trenchcoat that I covet. She's wearing cute wellies too. Aw, Tenley looks adorbs. SO SHE RUINS IT. Her ex-husband let other people run his life. What a coninkidink! Jakey runs everything past his parents too! Frabjulous. Mood? Ruined. Well done, you two. They're under another non-Slanket. Tenley, bizarrely, does not choose to hear Jake say he runs all his decisions past his parents, and instead she interviews that she's THRILLED that he makes all his own decisions and isn't like her ex-husband AT ALL. Tenley has selective hearing, or perhaps an inner ear infection, methinks.

They're at the dance studio Tenley "grew up in." Her ex-husband didn't care for her love for dance. She mentions this to Jake. He, of course, assures her that he cares DEEPLY for dance. She does this little ballet routine, and I guess it's ok, but I'm the least coordinated person in all the lands, so I am not one to judge. Jake can't BELIEVE Tenley's ex didn't appreciate her love of dance. That must have damaged her SO MUCH! YAY! Little Jake sproings to attention.

Commercials: Hey. Y'all. Should yer ol' Miss Banshee apply to be The Bachelorette? BEST IDEA EVER, RIGHT? 

Tenley's family is gonna be like rabid coyotes on Jake, cause of the Evil Ex. First impressions are everything. Don't fuck this up, Jake. Dad, Mom, and sister all hug them. ALL WE ARE TALKING ABOUT IS THE EX-HUSBAND. In MY perfect world, Tenley's ex would fling himself through a window, swinging a bottle of Wild Turkey and screaming about how he wants Tenley back. Sadly, this little scenario only exists in my head.

Mr. Tenley takes Jake aside to show him his extensive firearms collection and talk about the Evil Ex. They watched Jake on The Bachelorette and scoped him for their daughter. Is he "The Guy?" or is he like THE EVIL EX? Jake gives his oft-repeated parent-speech about how their daughter is the most specialist of snowflakes and Dad Tenley buys it. Tenley asks Dad how it went, and Dad Tenley CRIES, Y'ALL, thinking about Tenley's divorce. Was she married to Charles Manson? WAIT! Was she married to MY ex? THAT would explain a lot.

Mom Tenley's turn to talk about the Evil Ex. Mom Tenley's choked up because Tenley is SO WICKED DAMAGED. This, of course, delights Jake to no end. Hot DAMN he loves broken women. He waxes poetic about broken, damaged, TAINTED DIVORCEES and asks Dad Tenley if it would be cool to marry his daughter, you know, if she wins. Dad Tenley says sure, you can't be worse than The Evil Ex, have at it. I start imagining elaborate conspiracy theories re: my ex-fiance being Tenley's ex-husband and AH MAH GAH IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

Commercials. Take Grampa to The Olive Garden, it's cheap and he's old.

Gators! Swamps! We're in Florida, to see Vienna! Now I've seen Florida exactly twice, once for Disney World and once to go to rehab, so I have mixed feelings regarding the state. Jake, however, loves Florida, or so he says. They're gonna go down the river and look at the gators. Lots of reptile B-roll.

Everything is going swimmingly, so of course it's time to ruin the mood. Did Vienna's dad ever like the dudes she brought home? That's a big HELL NO. Not even a little? Nope. Grand! "Good luck!" cackles Vienna.

Jake's shitting bricks re: Vienna's dad. Oh god, they have a lap dog in a sweater. IN FLORIDA. Oooookay, Vienna's dad is a LEETLE too much Uncle Bad Touch for me, and Vienna yapping about what a HUGE Daddy's girl she is doesn't help the squick. He really freaks me out. He also looks like he's been drinking A LOT tonight, and for the last 30 years. He interviews that HE will be making the decisions re: Vienna's man. He takes Jake to the garage to show off his motorcycle and inform Jake that Vienna is Daddy's princess and she MUST BE TREATED AS SUCH. I start looking for the To Catch A Predator film crew. Let's move on, please. Quickly.

At the dinner table, Jake spills that he and Vienna clicked immediately and all the other chicks HATED HER. Sister of Vienna says that's nothing new. All women hate Vienna. This totally turns Jake on. They end up on her bed, talking about her DAD and smooching (EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW) and her dad TOTALLY busts in with the cockblock, storming into the room and ruining the moment. "Aaaaaaah, sweet pain," Jake thinks as his testicles twist into Boy Scout knots.

Commercials. Flava Flav wants me to buy a Sprint phone, and of course, I will obey the giant clock on the tiny man.

We're back in LA! Tonight it's roses and a dumping, and Jake still doesn't see the problem with just moving to a compound and keeping all four.

THEN! Ali busts into Jake's hotel room, crying! What's wrong? Is someone dead? Dying? Sick? Kitten in a tree? Papercut? NO. WORSE. Ali's job says she has to either quit the show and come back to work or quit her job. They've had it with these reality show shenanigans. It's Jake or the Job! She's gotta choose! She doesn't want to choose, she wants Jake to choose! Jake can't choose, SHE has to choose! No, you! NO, YOU! It's like the most annoying game of verbal volleyball ever.

People. Ali does not work for the Pentagon. Or NASA. She is not a brain surgeon and national security does not depend on her. She works FOR FACEBOOK. THIS is the once in a lifetime job that MUST have her back POST HASTE cause they're changing the format for the eleventeenth time and someone has to read all the hate mail, right? I am dead serious. The woman works for fucking Facebook. So long story short (way too late, dude) there is hemming and hawing and what she really wants is for Jake to say she's his one and only and choose her right there, and that ain't gonna happen. They go back and forth like an excruciatingly long and boring tennis match, finally deciding they'll let the rose ceremony do the deciding. This is, of course, a lie. CHRIS HARRISON will be making the decisions around here, like the all powerful overlord he is. This ain't my first rodeo, kids. Everyone knows Harrison pulls aaaaaaall the strings.

Anyway, on we bloodily stagger. Neither will make a decision, which a woman WITH A BRAIN would see as "YOU ARE NOT WINNING." But we're talking about Ali, so we drippily conclude this agonizing conversation with some sobby kissing and Jake making constipated face as Ali leaves. 

AND THEN SOMETHING AWESOME HAPPENS.

Okay, you know how on the "You Are Not The Baby Daddy" episodes of Maury, when the woman gets the bad news, she starts to scream and wail and runs off stage and hits the backstage wall and collapses on the floor? ALI DOES THAT. She's just a puddle of woe on the hallway floor and it is awesome. Back in his room, Jake continues to talk a lot about NOTHING and not make a decision re: Ali, because Jake sucks.

Commercials. Buy your significant other a diamond from Sears. Grab a leafblower while you're at it. Nothing says romance like Black and Decker.

CHRIS HARRISON'S HAIR PLUGS ARE HERE, PEOPLE. The Oracle will answer all questions. Jake begs for advice re: Ali. He is perched right on the fence, and he's not moving. I'd say he had no balls, but we all know that Jake DOES have a pair, and they're pulsating a keen eggplant purple right now, just how he likes them.

Here come the girls. Ali's dress is cute. Vienna has encased herself into a Fredrick's Of Hollywood purple satin number right out of Hookers At The Point. Gia? Who? Oh, the brunette.Whatever. Tenley's dress is RILLY GREEN. Kermit green. I'm talking about their dresses because the "poetic" "waxing" that Jake is voiceovering is a rambling spew of NOTHING. Seriously, he is the most indecisive flip-flopping fence-sitter ever. He should be a politician. All the girls are grand. They're all perfect. He loves them all. He doesn't want to choose. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Ali's dead Grandma texts me: "WE GET IT." Word, Granny.

THEN! Ali needs to talk to Chris Harrison's hairplugs! OMG! Someone is going to make a damn decision around this bitch!

Commercials. Your little lady is scared of thunderstorms, so buy her diamonds. Every kiss begins with "K" ya know. Well, so does "Killing Spree."

Chris Harrison offers Ali his arm, because HE is a true gentleman. She can't choose between the man she loves and Facebook. I hear they have a ping pong table and free soda in the breakroom. HOW COULD SHE EVER CHOOSE? It's Sophie's Choice all over the place for her as Harrison quickly pawns Ali off on Jake. They prattle on about not making decisions and it's ENDLESS and BORING and even when Jake hitches her legs over his lap (the better to squish his twig and berries to give him that beautiful pain) neither will make a decision. Time passes. The continents shift. I grow gray hair. They're still going back and forth. Oh my goddy, this is never going to end. My cats snore. I snore. The nation snores. I check my email, Facebook, play a round of Scrabble online, check my blog stats, chat with Snarky Amber, and they're still not making any decisions. You would think this was exaggerated for the sake of comedy. You'd be wrong.

FINALLY, Chris Harrison comes in to break up the shenanigans. STAY OR GO! NOW! DECIDE! A NATION BEGS YOU TO FUCKING DECIDE!

Commercials. The only thing I hate more than Donald Trump is a comedian pretending to be Donald Trump.

More staring and not deciding. I cannot take this anymore. Ali bursts into tears! And! SHE'S LEAVING!!!!! Facebook wins! Facebook wins!!!! Sad music. Hugging. Blue balls. Off to the Unmarked Van. And Jake SLAMS the door! Grahhhhhhhhhh!!!! Jake MAD! Jake HATE Facebook! And off Ali goes, sobbing and wailing to exactly no one that she doesn't know if she made the right choice. Her dead granny texts me: "Foreshadowing, eh?" Granny knows what's going on.

Jake will NOT be devastated and single at the end of this process dammit! He has three bitches left! No rose ceremony. The remaining girls have THE most SHIT EATING GRINS on their faces, it's SHAMELESS. I love it. Jake cops feels on all of them and announces that they're off to St. Lucia! Fun in the sun! Woo-ing commences.

Back in the unmarked van, Ali whines that she can't believe she left him. Has she made a mistake? I text her dead granny "I KNOW RIGHT? FORESHADOWING!"

And. We. Are. Done. Peace out, mah homies. See y'all next week!


. . . . .
Miss Banshee doesn't think The Bachelorette is ready for her jelly.







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Comments

Devon

OMG. I don't watch this show. I tried this year...but yanno, I'm educated and stuff. :) Miss Banshee, I look forward to this recap so much I can't even begin...

Word, Granny.

Rebecca Jo

I have tears in my eyes... these recaps are the most hilarious thing EV-AAAHHH!!!!

txtingmrdarcy

I'm going to start a campaign on FACEBOOK (IRONY, BISHES) for Miss Banshee for the next Bachelorette.

That would be full of awesome. And probably more like "Survivor" than the lameness we've been watching. I totally see you enforcing a "Pirhanna Tank Swim of Love." Just saying.

lori

Between your tweets about the show and this recap I am getting the most awesome picture of this show. At this point actually seeing these people or watching it would totally ruin the fun for me! Thank you so much for this entertainment!!

Linsey

AHAHAHAHA! Facebook ALWAYS wins. This season is worse than the usual trainwreck that is the (addicting) Bachelor. WHich makes the recaps all the better.

MommiePie

I knew I could count on you to fill me in. I fell asleep watching this boring ass episode.

Fawn Amber

OMG. Am rolling. Funniest thing I have read all day. Well done, Miss Banshee.

gabrielle

Now I will have the Kay Jewelers theme ditty stuck in my head all day, but substituting "killing spree" for "kiss." This is truly a gift. I cannot thank you enough.

Life of a Doctor's Wife

I love your recaps so infinitely much more than the actual show. They should come with a warning: "May cause embarrassing fits of uncontrollable laughter when reading."

themikestand

What, no mention of the teaser for next week? HIGH DRAMA PPLS.

Also, did you notice that in back to back shots of Jake kissing Ali/Tenley (I can't remember which is which) he has his gloves off, and then on again? I only mention it because he was clearly freezing while the girls were not, and we were impressed that he took off the gloves, but it turned out to be only briefly.

Suzanne

"like honey dust on my dangly bits" = brilliant prose.

You rock!

Caty

Bravo, Miss Banshee. Bravo. "It rings as false as these chicks' tits," and "... it's like honey dust on my dangly bits...," are the most poetic similies ever written. I will never be the same after reading this.

Seriously, this has to be the best series recap ever. Thank you for making a truly dreadful day much, much better.

Julie

Miss Banshee, you're killing me with these recaps! I, too, will hear the haunting words "so does killing spree" every time I see that stupid commercial.

You had me at Hypnotoad. Thanks for taking all this nonsense for the team!!

Sweetney

These make me so happy.

Suzy Q

OMG, I've been waiting to read this all day. I only remember this show when Regis and Kelly make fun of it in the morning, and then! The awful, awful wait (while I go to WORK - not at Facebook - dammit) until I can get to it.

The dancing? Holy hilarious awkward moment. That's pretty much all they showed on R&K, so that's all I saw. All I needed to see, really.

Another excellent recap, as always, Miss B. I can't imagine how Jake and/or Little Jake will make up his/their mind(s) at the end of this. Oh, tragedy! Woe! THERE WILL BE CRYING!

I also will now think of Killing Spree whenever those fucked-up Kay commercials come on. I HATE those V-Day commercials. And their stupid mass-produced jewelry. Because we can ALL be just as special as the 4 million other women wearing that schlocky crap.

funda62

Thanks for not making me actually watch this show! You are brilliant. Two questions.

1) Why are all the girls at the beginning white European-American?

2) Isn't Facebook an internet company? Why the hell can't she do her job with a computer and the internet? No wonder so many internet companies fail if they think they need to have a break room with a ping-pong table. Jeesh.

Fairly Odd Mother

OK, I am in the camp that believes that the producers of the last Bachelor made that idiot Jason pick Melissa only for drama at the reunion.

I *think* they've done the same here: I think they told Ali that she needs to make it seem like she's choosing her job over Jason only so that they could have her come back in a few episodes and beg for him to take her back. If he takes her back, so be it. If he doesn't take her back, I think they've promised her the next Bachelorette as a consolation prize.

Think about it: they NEED that drama to keep people interested b/c who wants to see Tenley or Gia anymore??? (Vienna is just a train wreck you've gotta watch). . .so, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Fairly Odd Mother

Ooops, I meant "Jake" in the second part of that comment. Got a little carried away with my conspiracy theory.




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