"The Bachelor: On The Wings of Fantasy Suite, Baby!" Recap

Okay, this is The Episode. The episode that starts to turn Jake the Bachelor into Jake the Douchelor, because if I have to hear him wax non-poetic about how he's "falling in love with three different women" one more time I will retch. Jakey's been awfully good about not being The Douchelor, but he is on the gangplank this week. (Pirate reference number 1!) 

Let's get this trainwreck started.

 
We begin with previouslies, where we remember the home visits, stereotypical Italian family members, dead grannies, drunken fathers, and, of course, Tenley's status as a TAINTED DIVORCEE. But none of that matters, because the real big news was Ali choosing her cubicle over at Facebook over Jake. But did she make the right decision!??!?! Let's find out!!

Scenic St. Lucia. It's GORGEOUS there. Hey bosslady Sweetney, can we go on the next MamaPop retreat in St. Lucia? I'm just asking. 

 

Gia montage. Jake reminisces about how he at first thought she was just a dumb slut, but it turned out that she has lots of emotions! Emotions she won't share, man, cause she's been HURT. And anyone who has been paying the slightest bit of attention to this show or these recaps knows one thing. Jake. Loves. Damaged. Women. So Gia's complete and total lack of self-worth completely turns him on, as do her bodacious tatas, of course. 

Tenley montage. OMG, I forgot she brought the written list of things of all the awesome things about her to the first one on one meeting. What a freak. But as we all know, Tenley is known for one thing and one thing only, and that is that she is a TAINTED DIVORCEE who got a DIVORCE and is DIVORCED now, and ever since the DIVORCE she's been a big ol' tainted wreck who hasn't even looked at another man. So...she's damaged AND celibate? No wonder both Big and Little Jake can't get enough of her. 

Vienna montage! Vienna's been crazy from the beginning. Jake loves that she's manic and immature and risky. It's super sexy to him. He also doesn't care that all of the other girls hated her with the white hot heat of a thousand burning nuns, because that means she's TROUBLE and Jake loves trouble. She's also kinda slutty, which helps.

And then there's Ali. Jake pouts about her on the beach and hopes it was all worth it for her to leave for her job.

In San Francisco, Ali is miserable. She thought her career could get her through life. She can't eat, sleep, focus, pretty much do anything but eat Xanax and not brush her hair properly. Everything is misery without Jake, so she's gonna fight for him. 

Commercials. Ooooh, a new mascara from Maybelline! I cannot resist a new mascara. I am a complete sucker for new mascara brands. Imma git me one.

Back in St. Lucia, it's date time for Gia. She's holding back, Jake opines, and she needs to get the hell over that, in his opinion. Can she trust again? She doesn't know! She just wants to spend the perfect day with him. Gia is wearing a gigantic off-the shoulder stripy shirt and coochie cutter shorts. Vair classy. 

So they're off to do EXCRUCIATINGLY tourist-trappy things in a village. They sip from coconuts. They look at a stray dog. They get tourist trappy trinkets and listen to a reggae band. Jake? Mind? Blown. That Gia can come from New York City and have thousand dollar shoes but still appreciate the simplicity of the islands. DUDE. Okay, for one, you're at a ridonkulous resort in a paradise of an island. You're not taking her on Survivor. Also, NYC, while it IS the center of the universe, grows 'em scrappy. Jake should not be shocked to the point of drooling that Gia can hang with the steel drum band. But then again, shiny objects impress our boy Jake, so maybe it's best to move on.

The producers - I mean, Jake, buys Gia a necklace. He apparently gets one too, and although I guess it COULD be worse, it's totally lame and cheesy and I can't stop staring at it. This is not 1997, and dudes from Texas do not wear PUKA SHELL necklaces. VETO. Anyway, Gia is finding all sorts of meaning in her necklace. She wears her heart on her sleeve and her necklace on her...wrist? Fine. Whatever.

 
 

They leap into the ocean, where they are devoured by a shark and I can go to bed early. Not really. They just make out in the water as Gia interviews that she wants them to say "I love you" by the end of the night, and that it's just the two of them on the whole island. Um, not exactly, Gia, but maybe counting isn't your strong suit.

Commercials. If Kelly Ripa really uses all those appliances I'm the queen of Spain. Get one of her nannies or housekeepers to do that commercial and I'll consider an Electrolux.

Back at "Smuggler's Cove" it is night and it's time for the romance to blossom. Gia, who has a chunk of hair in her face the WHOLE TIME and it drives me INSANE, interviews that all she's ever had were crap boyfriends who treated her like shit. That's it. Nothing but misery and heartbreak and damage for Gia. Psst, sweetie, that's why Jake LIKES you, milk that crap for all it's worth. And get your hair out of your face.

Gia comes tromping down a little path to meet Jake as he HILARIOUSLY voiceovers that she's gliding "like a ballerina." Um, no. She's walking like a truck. Jake wants to take care of Gia. He wants her to feel safe. He wants to be her father figure. He doesn't really say that. He DOES make a snarky comment about the "boys" Gia's been dating, and smarms about how no one else exists and Gia's the hottest hottie ever, but she just won't open up all the way. Sexually. No! I mean, emotionally. (sexually.)

Jake puts others in front of himself, and that makes him feel better about himself. He's a caregiver, he's a rescuer. That's what he brings to marriage. A superman complex. Gia's all "whoa, that's deep." It's not, but we'll go with that. They make goo goo eyes at each other as Gia swears she's gonna tell him she loves him. She doesn't, and she won't, and she won't get that damn hair out of her face either. 

They drink champagne and toast each other's super duper awesomeness. Jake prattles on about how hot Gia is. He's still wearing that bloody necklace. I want to rip it off. Then Jake pulls a card from our lord and master Chris Harrison! And gives it to Gia to read! IT'S FANTASY SUITE TIEMZ!!!! Will Gia say yes to the sleepover, which means SEX SEX SEX or will she chicken out? Will she tell him she loves him like she's been promising to all night? Make a decision, the card reads. Separate bedrooms or gettin' down in the Fantasy Suite? Oh HELLS yah, Gia's "ready to go all the way." I bet you are, Gia. They retire to the SUPER posh Fantasy Suite and we follow a trail of discarded clothing to end up with Gia and Jake in the HOT TUB TIME MACHINE. Or it's just a hot tub. OF SEX. Much making out. We go to commercial as the duo totally, TOTALLY do it, probably just once, though, cause I don't see Gia as the train that keeps a-rollin' all night long, if'n you get what I'm saying.

Commercials. This "Day of Service for a Day of Disney World" thing has me intrigued. Then again, I obey the Muppets on pretty much every subject. 

Scenic shot as Tenley's unmarked van pulls up. Suddenly, Jake's douching about family values and the structure of relationships when he's still sore in the crotchal area from his night with Gia. See? He's becoming The Douchelor. Blah blah values blah. Tenley's happy that she gets the whole day with Jake, and he's gonna impress her with a big ol' helicopter to see the admittedly gorgeous landscape. Tenley's wicked happy. Jake's wicked happy that he's feeling up her leg. 

They go on a picnic, which Tenley hasn't been on in forever, yanno, since SHE'S DIVORCED and all, and she can't let herself fall for Jake even though she totally has. Tenley has an excellent point here: She asks how he'll woo her in the real world. They agree on traveling as a good way to woo. They congratulate themselves on how well they've gone about their "relationship." Jake wants to still have a "boy-crush" on his wife in 20 years. Tenley voiceovers that she's still hesitant since THE DIVORCE though. 

They canoodle on the beach, make out in the water, it's all very beautiful, more kissing, we get it. Everyone's perfect and happy. But what of the fantasy suite?!?!!?? Tenley has to take a leap of faith and a leap onto Jake's lap! What will she do???

Commercials. Oh Christian Slater. Remember when you didn't have hair plugs and weren't...doughy? Gawd, how I loved you then.

It's time for dinner with Tenley and Jake, and as Tenley reminds us YET AGAIN that she's only been with her ex-husband, that she hasn't dated since THE DIVORCE, and BLAH, the wine flows, and Tenley cockblocks. WAIT A MINUTE. She's "so glad he's given her this opportunity despite her past." WHAT? Tenley, your douchey ex cheated on you and you got a divorce. You didn't kill anyone (that we know of.) You've committed no crime! What's all this about "despite my past?" That's some serious booooll-shit right there. Tenley needs a spine, man. 

Then! She says she's falling in love with him! This is a BIG PLUS in Jake's book. He looooooooooves being loved. He loves being told that women love him. He has an inferiority complex. Don't worry, it's all going in my dissertation. As I consult my psychology reference books, Tenley and Jake dance. He's falling in love with this girl, he interviews. (drink.) Jake non-smoothly yanks out the Fantasy Suite card, and shoves it at Tenley, who's all HELLS TO THE YEAH. Jake can't wait to see their first sunrise together. After THE SEX, of course. Two for two, Jake! I DO hope they changed the sheets. The Bachelor: Brought to you by the makers of Valtrex.

Oh god, they're prattling on about values and morals again. As they strip down to get in the pool, that is. Montage of face-sucking as we fade out, assuming they boink in the pool, the hottub, and on the (hopefully) fresh sheets on the bed. 

Commercials. Sweetney, I DEMAND to be paid in gum. No one ever pays me in gum. And if not gum? Big boxes of money. Either one, I'm not picky.

Vienna date tiemz! She comes running up to Jake and they smooch as Jake interviews that they've got a ship they used in Pirates of the Carribean all to themselves today. Shenanigans with an eyepatch. Drinking. Smooching. Giggling. Jake loves being immature and playful with Vienna. She's not a total DRAG like the other girls. Oh! Jake's shirt's off! Drink! They roll around on the deck of the ship swapping spit. Jake looooooooooooooooooves Vienna. They're pals as well as romantically involved. Shenanigans involving climbing a sail to the Crow's Nest. More kissing up there! Hey! That could be dangerous. No shenanigans that high up! You could slip and fall and break your neck! 

Jake makes Vienna walk the plank and shoves her into the ocean. MEGA SHARK! GIANT OCTOPUS! SWARMS OF ELECTRIC EELS!!!! Nah, just more kissing. They wash up on LOMGST island or somewhere, but sadly, my Sayid is nowhere to be found. Now THAT'S a bachelor I could get behind. Or in front of. On top of. Ahem. Hi, mom!

 

Commercials. Hey, remember that show Flash Forward? All five of you who do? It's coming back. 

Vienna's dress for dinner is FUG. And her boobs are EVERYWHERE. She's scared of admitting her feelings. She's TOTALLY READY for marriage, but wants to wait on kids. Is Jake just attracted to her sexually? He hopes so. Family is everything for both of them. Blah blah blah. 

AND THEN SOMETHING TOTALLY AWKWARD HAPPENS.

Out of nowhere, seriously, hand to Gawd, Jake comes out with "so, what kind of rings do you like?" As Vienna's all "Um, your cockring is your business, dude," he's all "no, silly, what kind of engagement ring do you want? My girl Vienna totally plays it cool though, and good for her. No girly squealing or anything. She has thin fingers, therefore she wants a thin band. Easy peasy. But still, one minute you're wondering if you're just sexually attracted to her and the next you're going to Kay Jewelers in your head? WHERE did that transition come from, other than the obvious nod to the jewelry companies that advertise on this stupid ass show. Anyway, she plays it cool. She has a question too. Could he REALLY see her as his wife? He says yes. Awkward pause. Jake COCKBLOCKS (drink) by saying he's fallen for the other two chicks too. Moment?  RUINED. Well done, Jake.

Vienna pulls her trump card. Deep breath. Here we go. She's in love with him. "You're in love with me!" Jake squeals like a tiny girl. Much kissing. AMG, Jake needs validation SO DESPERATELY. He's over the moon that she said it. Here's the card for the Boom Boom Room. Aw HELLS yeah, they're going to stay at the Boom Boom Room. Vienna brought her furry handcuffs and cat o' nine tails just in case. Champagne is popped, Vienna changes into a teeny little nightie and Little Jake goes WOAH BABY, BOOOOOOING. They set up the sex swing and go to town. 

Commercials. Apply to be the Bachelorette??? You're tempting me, Chris Harrison. You're luring me in with your siren song. I have a tattoo requirement, though. My boys would have to be tuff. We can make this work, ABC. Write to me at missbanshee at mamapop dot com. Beg me to be the Bachelorette. BEG!

Jake voiceovers that he's in love with all the girls, he's so excited, everything is so perfect - what's that, the phone? WHOEVER COULD IT BE???

It's Ali, of course, calling to beg Jake to take her back. She fucked up. She made the wrong decision. She needs to know if they're really a match. Jake is befuddled. What to do?!?!? She wanted to come back the minute she left. Leaving him hurt. Her leaving hurt Jake. She's so sorry. Jakey hems and haws about how she broke a piece of his heart and the time apart in the last week, well, a lot has happened. Yeah, Jake, you slept with three chicks back to back. He didn't sleep with Ali! What if she's lousy in bed? What if she's stingy with the blowjobs? What if she can't dismantle the sex swing! These are all questions that don't have answers, and Jake doesn't know what to do! Part of him says get your ass to St. Lucia, but is that fair, when he has fallen totally in love with the other women (drink)? OH the conundrum. 

This goes ooooooooooon and on. Jake's ego is struggling. Is he a puss to ask her to come back? YES! YES he WOULD be a puss! No! She shouldn't come back. It's too late. TOO LATE. You lose, Ali. 

Oh. BURNINATION. I LOVE IT.

Ali is SHOCKED. She cannot believe he turned her down. She is stunned, y'all. This is getting awkward. They say their goodbyes. Ali is suddenly interviewing looking like HELL. Her hair is a mess and she's been crying. Girl looks rode hard and put away wet. She can't believe she fucked this up. I can't believe we're still talking about a chick who chose to leave for a cubicle at a social networking site. Goodbye, Ali, don't let the front door hit ya on the backside. 

 

Commercials. Oh MAN, the Twilight spoof for Verizon wireless is HILAIR. The wolf saying "whazzup?" at the end is the most bestest. 

Shirtless Jake. Drink! Are we FINALLY ready for the rose ceremony? I'm really tired and it's vair late at night. Ah. Chris Harrison will make it all better. Harrison lays down the law. Three women. Plus the Ali thing. How tough was that? Real tough. Harrison's Hair Plugs show concern. It's time to talk about the girls. We recap the dates. Gia wears thousand dollar shoes but can still interact with "ethnic" people, which shocks and amazes Jake. He's falling in love with her. Tenley. He missed her when they were apart. She told him she's falling in love with him, and he with her. Sense a pattern? Vienna. Blah blah nookie sexy sexy boner boner she's in love with Jake and they bumped uglies all night. He's in love with her. We've accomplished NOTHING with this conversation, Harrison scowls. Jake loves them all but has to boot one of them. Get your shit together, Jake, and make a decision.

The girls have put together videos of personal messages for Jake. Oh, this shouldn't be painful at all. 

Commercials. Bruce Willis. Tracy Morgan. Seann William Scott. Cop movie. There aren't enough words in the English language for how much I will NOT be seeing that.

Jake gazes at the three remaining pictures of the chicks, and clicks on the teevee to watch the videos. Tenley talks about her divorce and starting over. She's chipper and adorable and it's giving me a cavity. Gia. Okay, it doesn't matter at all what Gia says, her body language says it all. Her arms are crossed against her, she's darting her eyes everywhere but the camera, and her voice is wavery. Judge Judy would have a FIELD DAY with Gia. She's wishy washy and hesitant and I don't even care what she says, and I bet you don't either. I make my prediction at this very moment that Gia's toast. You can't deny body language that blatant, dude. Vienna! She always knew he'd be the man of her dreams. She wants to flirt with him for the next 80 years. She drops an "I love you," which Jake is helpless against, and she knows it. 

Commercials. Domino's Pizza is really, truly claiming that their pizza doesn't suck anymore? That takes some brass ones. 

FINALLY we're at the bloody rose ceremony. A guitar gently weeps. Chris Harrison waxes poetic. But the fact remains that someone's getting cut. Heeeeeeeeeeere's Jakey! He reiterates AGAIN that they're all hot, he's in love with all of them, everything has been perfect this week. First rose! Tenley! Interesting. Not that she got chosen, but before Vienna? That's aaaaaaaall producer involvement. Second rose! Jake looks constipated. Silence. Silence. Vienna gets the rose. HA! I called it. Harrison zips up and tells Gia to say her goodbyes. She hugs the girls, hitches her dress over her boobs, and walks off with Jake to talk. He assures her that it wasn't easy, ditching her. The next guy she meets better work for her. But he just isn't that into her. She knows that she's a slow-mover, and that this is the consequence. She totally wouldn't give him oral sex in the Boom Boom Room, y'all. No shnarlans for Jake from Gia, and hence she is gone. 

Into the Unmarked Van with her, and we return to our final two, Vienna and Tenley. The Madonna and the Whore! The Virgin and the Harlot! The TAINTED DIVORCEE and the CRAZY TWIT! Whee!!!!!! Which one will it beeeeeeeeeee?????? 

Next week! Oh NOOOOOOOO. Next week is "The Women Tell All," the reunion special. I suppose I'm recapping THAT trainwreck too, eh? Manson Lamps Michelle! Ali's still whining about choosing Facebook! And Rozlyn the whore returns!!! Okay, it's gonna be awesome. I'll see ya then!!!!

. . . . .
Miss Banshee feels sorry for the cleaning crew that had to change the sheets in the Fantasy Suite

Comments

[Devon]

Leaving my comment first, as I just have to say- "Miss Banshee, I love you!!!!" I was so looking forward to seeing your byline on this post. I don't watch this show, but almost peed my pants last week reading your recap. Thank you!

[Suebob]

Miss Banshee, you are honest to gawd AMAZING and I think I am falling for you. I just have to make sure you are here for the right reasons and that you can open up to me.

[Bill]

These recaps are the only thing that keeps me watching the Bachelor.

But you forgot to mention his douchy smile. You know the one - the big, mouth smushed together wide Wide WIDE scrunchy faced smile. His "I'm sensitive" smile. Blech.

[TwoBusy]

Reading this was infinitely more fun than watching the actual program (in bits and snippits between Olympic events) last night. In fact, if the show was anywhere as close to as much fun as this recap, I'd watch it every week. Guaranteed.

[Amy H]

I heart you.

[Sweetney]

Tenley's whole "damaged goods" shtick is unbearable. Also, did I hallucinate her saying that her husband cheated on her ON HER WEDDING NIGHT?!?

If I have to hear Jake talk about his "Journey" one more time I'm gonna hurl.

Ditto how freakin' "Romantic" everything is. Barf.

These recaps are my drug. I feel like I should smoke a cigarette or something after reading them.

[Fawn Amber]

Love.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

If you start getting paid in gum, I'm be wicked impressed.

I think Jake picks the whore over the "virgin" but it pisses me off b/c Tenley is going to fall into about a bazillion pieces after he rejects her. Gah, she will never dance for anyone ever again.

[A Vapid Blonde]

Who needs to watch the show when we have this little piece of gold called Ms.Banshee?

[melly]

love you!

We all took a drink EVERY SINGLE TIME Tenley mentioned her Ex and her Divorce. Jeez, shut it!

[Suzy Q]

Totally rockin' recap, as usual, Miss B.

Question: If Tenley is a DIVORCED DIVORCEE, how has she only ever slept with one man one time? Or, did I hear that wrong?

I knew he'd kick Gia to the curb because every time they showed the framed photos of the three "women," her picture was sorta off to the side.

Also, is it just me or is Vienna a total skank? I vote skank. With really bad hair.

[Andrea]

oh my gosh... you are hilarious! that was awesome to read! :) thanks for bringing some substance to this ridiculous season! :)

[Andrea]

hilarious! you are way too funny and I loved reading this --so much better than watching this ridiculous season!

[Tracy]

We've started drinking every time somebody says A-maaaaazing, too. GAH! I now have to watch the show just so I can better enjoy your recaps. I also read them to my husband...we look forward to our little ritual over drinks every Tuesday night.

[PomJob]

Am I telling tales or did Vienna and Jake talk about her previous marriage on her hometown date?

[PomJob]

Am I telling tales or did Vienna and Jake talk about her previous marriage on her hometown date?

[April]

THANK YOU for mentioning the horrid puka shell necklace. It was beyond words. Especially when paired with Jake's starched polo shirt. Gah! Also, there was some comment about someone "making his heart smile" or some such nonsense. I'm not sure. The sound of my puking was too loud for me to tell what the exact words were.

And Vienna? Also a "tainted" divorcee but it never comes up really. Oh, I guess it's because she cleaned out his bank account when he was in Iraq to get a boob job and doesn't so much want to talk about it. At least, that's what Us Weekly is saying.

Hilarious recap as always!

[Sarah]

While the recaps are fantastic, it is really the commentary on the commercials that keep me coming back. Crack me UP.

[thepsychobabble]

You know that your recaps are the only reason I decided to watch this trainwreck, right?
Had a blast, tho I don't know if I could handle Two Weeks in a ROW!

[Leah]

Yes, can we please talk about how Vienna has also been married and divorced too, and how she also says, "I've never been in love"? Way to show Jake how very seriously you take marriage. Boy is he going to be shocked when you get bored with him after three months.