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"The Bachelor: The Women Tell All SORTS of Crap" Recap

6a00d8341c5d9653ef0120a7eb1081970b  Guys? Have I been a...a bad recapper? Did the reality tv show gods choose to smite me, when all I have done is bow at the altar of snark? HOW ELSE to describe this UNGODLY 120 MINUTES of Reunion Hell?

Zzzzzzzzz, AH!!!! I'm awake! I'm awake, ok. So. The reunion episode. All week we rubbed our evil little hands together, all "This is going to be GREAT freaking ROZLYN and MANSON LAMPS and DRAMZ" and...Oy. We have to slog through SO much crap to get to the good stuff, but the good stuff? IS GOOD. 

Oh, Chris Harrison. Let your hair plugs guide us through these two agonizing hours. Not to spoil anything here, but Harrison comes off as a major badass by the time all is said and done. And that's all I'm gonna say (cough Rozlyn cough) until we actually get to the good part. 

"Get to the good part?" you ask, confused? Oh yes, people. "The Reunion You Don't Want To Miss" is more accurately "The 40 Minute  Reunion of Awesome and 1 Hour 20 Minute Filler Crap You Totally Could Miss," but that would be too long of a title. So yes, We have to slog through the filler. Let's get started.

We begin with a montage of "what went right, what went wrong," starting, OF COURSE with Rozlyn (drink) and the replay of Harrison telling Jake, Jake telling the girls, the girls fake crying, and Rozlyn (drink) being thrown into the unmarked van. 

SPEAKING of game playing on, you know, the GAME SHOW, there was Elizabeth, the Non-Kisser. We are reminded that she was the first hint towards Jake's penchant for masochism, as ol' Liz teased Jakey into a pair of balls so blue they were COBALT. The exceedingly awful physical pain got to be too much, even for Jake, and off into the unmarked van with Elizabeth as well.

Things that went right! Vienna and Jake conquored bungee jumping on their first date, and that totally sealed the deal with them right then and there. They were tight from moment one, and now she's a finalist. Yay!

But wait! We forgot about Tenley! Tenley and Jake made fortune cookies for each other that both read "kiss me" and oh gosh, that was so cute and hilarious, wasn't it? We also get to remember the weird, unflattering turtleneck Jake was wearing that really resembled a wetsuit in a navy blue to match Jake's balls. Tenley's the other finalist, yay! 

Oh, but then there was the Saga of Ali, who left Jake for her cubicle over at Facebook. We re-live the sobby moment when Jake's all "I'm not choosing you? But I'm not NOT choosing you?" and even Ali saw through that bullshit and anyway, she's TOTALLY getting a cube by the window over at FB Headquarters, so she hitches a ride with the unmarked van and sobbily rides away, wailing that she thinks she made a mistake. 

So now we're caught up, right? Time for the Women To Tell All, right? WRONG. You will not BELIEVE the shit they make us sit through before we get to the REUNION part of the reunion.

Commercials. Ah Mah Gah, you guys, you know how I know I'm old? I had to look up "Chatroulette" and I am HORRIFIED. Children use this thing! Inconceivable. Anyway, it's on GMA Tuesday morning.

Okay. Now, we all know that The Bachelor is a terrible show with a terrible concept involving some really terrible people, right? But the seasons are thankfully pretty short, and then all these knobs go away, never to be seen again, right? Well. There are shenanigans afoot, and Harrison's spilling all the details you never wanted to know about Bachelor/Bachelorette REUNIONS in places like Vegas, wherein past "cast members" get drunk poolside and have a big ol' orgy and the whole thing is sponsored by Valtrex For Herpes, and if you thought the people were terrible on their original seasons, wait till you see them now. They're all overtanned and their bellies have started to show all the booze they consume, and they're just ghastly all around.

Luckily for you and me, Jake's is the only season of the Bachelor I have sat through in its entirety, so none of these horrible, orange woo-girls and dudes are recognizable to me. Since I've already covered the drinking, the pool, more drinking, pot bellies, and rampant STDs, we've totally worn out this overly long segment. Guess what we get to do now! Guess! Guess!!!!

FAST FORWARD! BEEP BOOP! YOU'RE WELCOME! 

Commercials! I cannot wait for the Oscars. Cannot wait! But let's be real here, people, the commercials are a bit overwrought. Everything changes this year! 10 nominees! 2 hosts! Anything can happen! Fetch me my smelling salts, I have the vapours.

Harrison, please, tell us we're getting to the good stuff. NOPE. This insanely long segment is called "The Bachelor Gives Back," which is not about giving each other chlamydia, but doing charity work. Well that's lovely. So the ones not in Vegas giving each other germs are giving back to the community. There is some sense in this world, even in Bachelor-land. HOWEVER! Since I don't recognize any of these people either, they technically don't exist, soooooooo...

FAST FORWARD! BEEP BOOP! RECAPPING IS EASY!

Commercials! Jamie Oliver is coming to America to make your kids stop eating junk food. And to sweep me away on his Vespa to lisp sweet nothings in my ear. One of those.

We're back! Harrison asks us if we ever get that "WHAT were they THINKING" attitude when we watch the show. Well duh, Harrison, that's why I have this gig. So what we're building up to is an actual reunion at this reunion special? To shed some light on the events of the season? Really? Cause I thought this was more filler. 

Introducing! (seriously, introducing, cause these chicks' names and faces have already been erased from my memory, save the following: Manson Lamps, Elizabeth the Cocktease, Your Facebook Friend Ali, and Gia Who Never Opened Up Except Her Legs In The Boom Boom Room. 

We trade quips and funny little "memories" we've all forgotten. Ashley with a Y watched the beginning credits every week and was pissed that she wasn't able to see Jake in the shower when she was there. Ashleigh with a GH tripped and fell into Jake's arms in the first episode and she TOTALLY planned it, haha. 25 women and one man equals psychosis of the first order. Tits are EVERYWHERE. Chachas are EVERYWHERE. NONE of these girls knows how to sit like a lady. Michelle Manson Lamps her crazy all over the place. Tenley is so sweet she "almost fell out of a Disney movie" and "shits rainbows" and "dreams in cartoons." Hey ladies, leave the commentary to me, okay? Elizabeth is a horrific cock tease. Everyone hates Vienna except Gia, who does the whole "Bless her heart" act that Southern women do when they are too refined to blatantly call another woman a whore. We end the segment with the Bachelor equivalent of "prostitution whore" when Ashleigh gets the boot and rants in the parking lot about how she can't believe she got sacked when Vienna, that bleeping bleeping "trailer trash whore" gets to stay. It's an awesome rant, but it's no Real Housewives of New Jersey table flipping. 

Back in the studio, the girls all giggle at their horrible, unladylike behavior. Teehee! It's so silly that we're all horrible people! But everyone's in cahoots now against Vienna, and they call her too young and too stupid for words. Gia defends Vienna again, to a smattering of applause. Harrison asks Elizabeth if she's ALWAYS a horrible cocktease, and she cops to the fact that she looked the fool on the show. Then! Let's talk about ROZLYN. DRINK.

Rozlyn (drink) was not sleeping in the bedroom. Several girls saw cuddling and forehead kisses, and Rozlyn (drink) and the producer were really blatant in their shenanigans. Harrison is leaning forward in his chair. He wants details!!!! SPECIFICS!!!!!! NOW!!!!! Jessie has details. She saw Rozlyn (drink) on top of the producer, making out on the stairs. She ratted them out, and that night Rozlyn (drink) was booted.

"Ella??" Harrison bellows, WELL. One night she was fixin' to go to bed and saw Rozlyn on all fours on the couch, and she told the other girls that if they were going to bed, to get the producer out there to put HER to bed. Everyone's shocked and appalled! YAY! Prostitution whore! We'll see the whore later. 

Commercials! The lizard people of "V" don't understand mating other than for survival. So it's safe to say that anyone that has ever been involved with The Bachelor is safe from the lizard people, because they understand that mating is only for days ending in "y." 

Gia! Poor poor Gia. let's open up that wound! Harrison drags her onto center stage for some good old fashioned humiliation. First we get the Gia montage. Gia's been hurt before! Gia doesn't want to open up, and asks Jake if it's okay to fall and he says YES it's okay to fall in love with him and then dumps her. Because Jake is a douchebag. Let us not weep too much for our girl Gia, though, because she WAS able to open one thing to Jake, and it wasn't her heart. Nope, she had nooooooooo problem going to the Boom Boom Room the night before she got sacked, but the sex wasn't all that good, apparently, because she's sitting with Harrison, with no Jake, no ring, nothing but that damn hunk of hair that's STILL IN HER FACE and I swear it's a plot to get me into the lunatic asylum. Get the hair out of your face!!! ANYway.

Well that montage wasn't traumatizing at ALL. Gia gently weeps. Harrison grins evilly. Harrison's the MAN. Gia knows that she blew it by being super insecure. Hair. Face. Argh. Harrison "helps out" by saying that it was SO frustrating for the audience that she never said she loved him. Does she know that this is what blew her chances? Yes, Harrison, she knows. Next guy she dates? She's not holding back. She points out Manson Lamps and says she, Gia, is going to be just as crazy as her. Manson Lamps had been snoozing over on the panel o'betches, and looks around all "who, me?" which Harrison helpfully points out is awkward for her. Thanks Harrison. We leave this scene as Gia hides behind that cursed hunk of hair and nervously giggles. Argh.

Commercials. During the Bachelor finale next week, we get the lineup for Dancing with the Stars. I'm paralyzed by not caring very much.

It's time for MANSON LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMPS!!!! Harrison openly mocks her. Let's take a look back at Michelle's Crazy. She "wants to be a passenger in Jake's plane." She's here for marriage. She's not ordinary. She's mentally unsound. The Manson Lamps burn into everyone. Other girls suspect multiple personalities. Honey, I could sit here with the DSM IV all day when it comes to Michelle. She ends up demanding a kiss from Jake, who is terrified of her, and tells her to leave. Because she's DANGEROUSLY INSANE. 

Back in the studio, Harrison is STILL openly mocking her. He's all "were you for really reals" and she's like "totally I'm for reals" and Harrison's all "You have to know that you're insane, right?" and Michelle's all "this show is bullshit, you can't fall in love on a game show." WHOA! Ali wakes up over on the panel and calls bullshit. She fell in love. Michelle still thinks it's bullshit. She wasn't there to make friends. Harrison asks the panel if Michelle was portrayed honestly. This is CODE. What Harrison really means is "Was Michelle as batshit insane as she seemed on television?" The answer, of  course, is yes. Case closed.

Commercials. Proof that there is a god, and he or she is punishing me constantly? ABC is STILL playing commercials for the "film" Valentine's Day.

Welcome back! It's time to accept Ali's friend request on Facebook. She gets hauled up on stage as Harrison begins the montage of love and pain. Ali fell for Jake, got over her fear of flying, Everything was perfect perfect perfect. Everything is unicorns pooping glitter and tongue kissing. THEN! Jake or the job! Is it at the Pentagon? NO, it's at Facebook! And she breaks down in the unmarked van. She's heartbroken.

Back in the studio, Ali's in tears. Um, meet your new Bachelorette, everyone. Just sayin'. 

Harrison drags it out. Ali has decided that if it was meant to be, Jake would have come after her. He's a pilot for god's sack! He would have FLOWN TO HER ON THE WINGS OF LOVE. But he didn't, so she's glad she chose her cube and her red stapler and her TPS reports. Fine. Let's get down to brass tacks Why do you hate Vienna so much, Ali? She's very blunt. She's disappointed  in herself. She's sorry she was mean to Vienna. She wants to move forward and put as much passion into love as she does her job. Would she choose love over work knowing what she knows now? Yes. Oh DUDES. She's SO the new Bachelorette. People in comas can figure that one out. 

Commercials. I must wonder aloud what the whole "sock monkey fantasy life" trippy ad has to do with Kia cars. I DRIVE a Kia, and I own several sock monkeys, and I have yet to find the magic connection betwixt the two. 

Oh man, we're backstage with Rozlyn. Drink. She's wearing a RAG. Seriously, it's like the garbage challenge on Project Runway. it's a raggy sack. She gets a smattering of applause as she walks onstage. But this is business. Harrison wants HIS name cleared in this whole thing. She has said that Harrison and the whole production crew made this whole thing up, that she was just friends with the producer, nothing ever happened. Harrison drives home the point. No physical relationship? No. Harrison tried to be gentle as he told her that a line was crossed and that she was whoring out to the populace whilst on a dating show for one dude, and that doesn't fly. She thought Harrison was out of his tiny little hairpluggy mind. 

THEN! The shit starts to hit the fan. Rozlyn (drink) says she used the producer's phone cause the crew wouldn't let her call her son. Harrison cries bullshit and tags in Ella, another mom, who says she got to talk to her kids every day, and the producer affair had nothing to do with the phone calls to the kids. Burn! Valishia agrees. She had no issue with talking to her kids. The two issues are totally separate. 

Harrison says slowly and carefully that he wants to make it EPICALLY CLEAR that Rozlyn denies ANY PHYSICAL CONTACT with the producer in the house. Y'all, Harrison is RIPSHIT. He HATES Rozlyn, and we'll find out why in a minute. Rozlyn says she's sorry Harrison is having such a hard time understanding this very clear and simple point. There was no relationship. Harrison pulls out the big guns and likens this little situation to when his son tells tall tales, and Harrison tells little Harrison that the simplest story is THE TRUTH and if Little Harrison can tell the truth WHY CAN'T ROZLYN? DRINK! 

Now it is ON like Donkey Kong. Harrison's befuddled. She was inappropriate, PHYSICALLY, with a producer. That is the bloody point. Oh my god, even my brain damaged cat understands this. Rozlyn demands PROOF. She admits NOTHING. Oh, we've got proof. But first! 

Commercials! Flash Forward. Please, please remember this show and buy the first 10 episodes on DVD before it returns in March. Yes, I'm sure that's going to happen.

Back to Rozlyn! Girls, what kind of physical relationship were we talking about? GIVE DETAILS. There was cuddling. Thigh touching. It made the girls uncomfortable. Jessie saw her kissing the producer on the stairs. She swears on her dog's life. Rozlyn swears on her KID'S life it didn't happen. Ella's talking about her being on all fours asking for the producer. Rozlyn calls bull. Ella's pissed. She would not lie about another mother. Rozlyn is totally denying EVERYTHING. Harrison: Did you sleep upstairs or downstairs? Conflicting answers. Rozlyn plays the martyr. Velicia? She was friends with Rozlyn. They were tight. She didn't want to believe it. But she caught her doing a disappearing act one night. She can't believe Rozlyn anymore. 

Rozlyn accuses Harrison of having cameras ALL over the house. Hidden cameras! Spying on her all the time! And they never caught a second of all this drama? Nonsense! Harrison, through clenched teeth, assures Rozlyn and the rest of us that there are no hidden cameras. The other girls back up Harrison. Now the gloves are off. Rozlyn tells Harrison to shut up and let her talk. Ali bets her precious job that there are no hidden cameras. Has the relationship continued? Yep. Has she met his parents? Yep, she has. It's a mountain of evidence. The girls have HAD IT with Rozlyn. The producer was a friend of everyone, and it was hard to let him go.

AND THEN SHE GOES THERE.

Rozlyn says that it's very interesting that Harrison would call the producer a friend, as the producer only knows Harrison as the dude who hit on his WIFE IN NEW ZEALAND and everyone knows it. Harrison, ten seconds away from snapping Rozlyn's neck like a toothpick, says he won't dignify that with an answer. The audience is in a tizzy. I love it. My friend Nancy calls me at this point to make sure I'm pointing out that Rozlyn's dress is a hot mess and her boobs and chacha are everywhere. I assure her that I have made that clear. Everyone wave to Nancy! 

Commercials! Oh god, it's a Bachelor Wedding: Jason and Molly. I'll be sure to skip that, thanks for the warning, ABC. 

WELCOME BACK! Oh lord, let's welcome Jake to the stage, where he will be as utterly pointless as ever. Harrison wants to know how it feels to be here with the girls again. Jake gets quivery. It was Jake's honor to have them all on the show. When he said goodbye to Gia, his heart was crying. What about Ali? He was a mess that night too. Aw, Jakey just wants to live in Big Love with all the girls as sister-wives. He's all emotional with Gia and Ali. 

Hey what about that two on one with Kathryn and Ella when he sent them both home! THAT SUCKED, RIGHT, LADIES? Yes it did. God, Harrison is VICIOUS tonight. It's almost sexy.

Jake wishes he could have known Christina better. Letting her go early was a mistake cause he didn't realize she was FUNNY, and that is a wonderful quality to have. Oh Jake. You're trying to sweet talk me, aren't you?

But of course I was actually enjoying that little moment, so Harrison ruins it with an agonizing blooper reel. Farts. Talking with food in your mouth. Self-deprecation and self-defecation are not the same thing, Jake. I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE FAST FORWARD BEEP BOOP AAAAAAAAAAAH.

Is Jake happy with his mysterious decision? He is. We'll talk more about Vienna and Tenley when we return, OH GOODY.

Commercials: Ah, The Crazies. Now that's MY kind of movie.

Next week is the big decision! In one corner we have Vienna. She's wild and crazy. A risky, intense choice. But she had problems with every single other woman. Jake realized he didn't care that everyone hated her. She had him at "bungee." Jake brings out the best of Vienna. He's exactly what she wants. She's been waiting her whole life for him. She loves him. She wants to marry him and have a million of his babies. 

In the other corner is Tenley! Immediate connection. BUT! She's scared because she is a TAINTED DIVORCEE and she can't feel anything for any man since then. But Jake has turned her around. He makes her feel alive again. She's so in love and it makes her giddy as a Disney princess. She ALSO drops "I love you" on him, which was the golden ticket to the other final spot. 

Who will it be? Sugar or Spice? Virgin or Whore? Saint or Sinner? Princess or Basket Case?

We'll find out next week! Join me, won't you?


. . . . .
Miss Banshee is gonna miss these crazy kids and their germs.







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Comments

TwoBusy

I'm dizzy with the awesome.

ozma

Phew! Now I know why you said you might stay up all night.

This is hilarious. Like Magical Realism as a recap. I can almost see Mario Vargas Llosa cheering you on.

I love that you do commercials. The 'V' especially. Hah.

I still don't know who's who or what the hell's going on but who cares?

Dory

This recap is Teh Hawsum!

LB

Miss Banshee I would like to thank you for recapping this season of the Bachelor. I do not watch this terrible show for reason I'm sure you can understand. But I have read every single one of your recaps, and look forward to them each week.

Bill

I just can't wait to find out if he offers the rose to Chris next week.

Come on, I'm not the only one willing to go there, am I?

Suzy Q

"He would have FLOWN TO HER ON THE WINGS OF LOVE. But he didn't, so she's glad she chose her cube and her red stapler and her TPS reports." That right there almost made me lose my water. As it was, I had to stop to cry/laugh for a few minutes before continuing on.

Rozlyn v. Harrison was the best part of last night and the only part I watched. I thought his head would literally explode when she brought up him scamming on The Producer's wife in NZ.

Miss B, you are the best. Plus, sock monkeys? Bonus!

ThePsychobabble

"Who will it be? Sugar or Spice? Virgin or Whore? Saint or Sinner? Princess or Basket Case?"

Er. Wait. Which one is Tenley and which one is Vienna(Sausage)? ~confused~

Suzy Q

@thepsychobabble: Vienna is the skank and Tenley is the TAINTED DIVORCEE. Does that clear it up for you?

He's totally going with Vienna. He needs someone who knows her way around a blowjob and clearly, Tenley is a bit rusty in the sex department.

gabrielle

I am almost sad that this show is coming to an end next week. I will miss your totally awesome recaps. *sniffle* But I'm happy for you. Your misery is almost at an end! We shall mourn and rejoice both next week.

kate

I'm sorry...I got sidetracked by chatroulette...WTF!!!




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