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The House Uncap

1200518503-77714_full[1]Welcome to an Uncap. Most people Recap shows they watch. This is a bit different. I've never watched House before. Not ever. But I will watch this latest episode and write down my thoughts as I watch it, to recap it, from the point of view of someone who has no idea what's going on at all. That's, for the record, my natural state, so this should be easy.

Some people are bitching about a meeting. Ross is sick. Blurry. Oh no! This must be a medical drama. Let's see, he's blurry eyed and throwing up. Oh no, now his coworker is having a migraine or something or her head is going to explode.

So since this is House, now I've never seen House mind you but it's about a cranky doctor and it isn't Scrubs, right? So anyway, I'm guessing the two illnesses are related. Anyway now we're in an office. There are like way too many people there. How many people does he need. Isn't he supposed to be the doctor? Maybe they're all named Robin. I don't know.

Oh, right he's snarky. Yes. They are debating cases for House to take, I think. And he takes the one with the hot woman. And within seconds House has an astounding diagnosis for something "very rare."

House is avoiding his own office and dwelling because an old friend is leaving him messages. Now we're hearing about how House cheated on a test "as an experiment" and wow I like snarky characters but this guy is just an ass.

Oh wait, there's PLOT! The sick guy from the opening claims he was poisoned and is after the sick woman. Wait, what? So now the plot is did she poison him, well of course she did, and can the hospital keep her safe. Are they serious?

Ah ha! Here's conflict, I guess? It comes down to is the woman guilty or not and the guys think she isn't because she's hot and the one female doctor thinks the woman is guilty. Wow. Just, wow.

Is this seriously what passes for medical drama? So these characters, we hear about some past relationships with them and one of them is called Thirteen. Which makes her a Cylon, maybe? Some kind of robot, or something, I'm not sure. There's a strange sense that we should be taking this seriously and yet no reason to. I'm missing something. House is like Batman out there, cranky, cranky Batman. And yet.

So back to the plot, using an MRI we find out the woman who we think is good or bad or something is a psychopath. She can't feel emotion. You know what, neither can I. I mean so far I am just confused. We're throwing in personal stuff about House while the other doctors do all the work. He just sits on speaker phone and declares things. He's like Charlie!

And I spoke too soon, he's going to talk to the woman himself. All right, that was funny. "Hi, I'm Doctor House. How long have you been a psychopath?" That line wins. But really, I have no empathy for the characters. No buy in.

Oh exposition time! I am grateful for it, really. So that's why these people feel and react like they do in limited ways.

House is back with his ex-friend whose life he ruined. He's trying to talk himself into thinking that it's for the best that this guy isn't a doctor. But of course, it isn't.

Wait, what? crazy patient lady is being all crazy and then the robot doctor broke her arm by touching it lightly. Ahhh, she has brittle bones. Kidney failure, heart problems and no emotions. We're gonna link this all together, aren't we?

We're also going to relate the crazy lady back to House to reflect on him and learn all about each other. Or something. Still no real buy-in for me. I'm still confused and really, more than that, I want the robot doctor to do something robot-like. The show keeps moving, which might be good normally but while it is easy to keep up with it is also just blurry.

Not sure that makes sense. It's blurry, the whole affair sounds like if they keep moving as fast as possible you won't stop and laugh a bunch. Also now brittle crazy kidney woman is hugging her husband while telling him lies. Which isn't smart considering that her arm broke with no pressure. That hug should have broken all of her ribs.

Robot Thirteen has a name. Hadly, or Headly or something. Clumsy, clumsy show. Exposition derailing emotional scenes and making them seem fake. And then right back, smashboom into another complication with the patient. Good lord, why would you ever want to go near this hospital? Does everyone have a gazillion bizarre and random and rare diseases and complications that only Doctor Batman and his Robot helper can solve? Does that make the token black doctor Alfred?

Is the show always this oddly sexist? With the evil woman and the robot woman doctor Thirteen who know one believes and then gets dumped on constantly, and there's some woman named Cuddy who House, I guess, dated or something? All the women on this show seem to get the short end of the stick and end up over-dramatized and shrill or evil or misguided.

Oh God no! They're going to forgive the evil crazy woman patient because they had a drunk father and her sister is going on about how that changed her and made her an evil mental case. But it explains that her body can't process copper, uhm, or so they say. So there goes her dream of eating pennies for a living. I guess. And now they'll fix her and give her feelings. But wait, robot Thirteen doctor still doesn't understand love! Wow.

House, by the way, is saving his ex-friends house to make himself feel better. Except now he finds out everything he thought he knew was wrong. He didn't screw up his ex-friends life, his ex-friend had a gambling problem! Is everyone on this show just a horrible person, misguided or devoid of knowing how to be a decent human? Anyone? Bueller?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Evil mental case is better now, she can feel, she's alive! And so she instantly does hurtful things and needs to understand what it is like to feel. And now robot Thirteen understands her. Because a robot does not know what it is to love, either.

And we'll go out on the robot and her ex learning how to co-exist at last and House not being able to with this Cuddy person. Or something.

And that was Monday's House episode. Maybe it made sense to you outside of being a long lesson in why women kinda suck, no one can just get a damned cold, and exposition is best done on elevator rides.

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This is fantastic.

Adam P. Knave

I am still sad the robot did nothing robot-cool. They should fix that. Maybe give her a laser eye.


Yeah, I don't get it either.

Karen Sugarpants

I watch House and it's this same exact formula for every episode. Totally nailed it. Now I feel like an ass for continuing to watch this show.
Bad Sugarpants.

DFM Marlink

Haha! This sounds like when I try to describe the show to people. I once watched more episodes than I ever really cared to because it was a marathon, nothing else was on, and the computer was being repaired. I like Hugh Laurie, but he is just annoying as House.

At least watching Fringe--which used to come on right after House on the same channel--taught me that you only need to watch the last ten minutes of any House episode to know all of what happened during the *entire* episode.

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