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The MamaPop Biggest Loser Challenge: Week 4

The_biggest_loserHoly neck & neck! Miss Banshee is feeling the heat from TwoBusy as they tie for first with 15 pounds. BHJ's in third with 14.

But hold the phone. We had our first MamaPop Loser make it to her goal. Find out who after the jump.

TwoBusy was the biggest loser of the week, losing 6 pounds for a total of 15 pounds. "Last Friday, I broke down and had an evening of pizza and (1) beer. This morning, I weighed in at 6lbs less than I did last week. Conclusion: the secret to weight loss is pizza and beer. That's science, and you can't argue with science."

There's been a big controversy this week on my personal blog about relying on the awesome powers of your mind to create reality. This is an obvious example of these alternative theories of causation manifesting themselves in TwoBusy's life. He ate pizza and drank beer and merely willed them into wholesome staples of a weight loss diet with the sheer power of his mental waves. You know when heat rises off pavement and makes that wavy visual sensation? That's like the power of TwoBusy's thought, bending reality to his healthy will.

Pizza. Beer. Weight loss. If you build it, they will come.

Motherbumper lost 5 pounds for a total of 10 pounds. "I wish I could say it was due to eating sensibly or exercising but I only worked out twice this past week before I caught another cold. The joys of having a kid in kindergarten, I might as well lick a seat on the subway (I've been sick for over a month with only a few days of clarity). So eating sensibly wasn't a huge issue considering I didn't really want to eat and was basically forced to in order to be able to lift my head. I think I'm going to work on boosting my immune system and maintaining my target weight. Also having self sealed in a large hamster wheel until this cold season is over."

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!? OUR FIRST CONTESTANT ACCOMPLISHED HER GOAL IN 4 WEEKS! Now what? I don't know. I guess you win, Motherbumper. The prize? Pride. And the trick? Maintain it until the end of the contest. Or your crown will be revoked like those slutty pageant winners who get busted for old porn.

Sarah lost 2.5 pounds for a total of 5 pounds. "How I did it: Horrible diarrhea."

Fuck, Sarah. That's so gross, it's awesome. You blurred opposites. MamaPop's trippy and cool.

Miss Banshee lost 2 pounds for a total of 15 pounds. "Well holy shit. I am SHOCKED AND AMAZED at how not eating like a drunken frat boy can slim the waistline. I'm halfway to my fuckin' goal, people. I am, and forgive the peacock-like preening, pretty fucking proud of myself."

We're proud of you, too, Miss B. I have this image of all of us doing a ring-around-the-rosy in slow motion, slim, proud, heads tossed back in laughter. MamaPop can change the world with its mind.

BHJ lost 2 pounds for a total of 14 pounds. I ran 37 miles this week and my eating's never been more controlled and, you know, good, somewhat. My kid got a kick ass report card so I took him to dinner wherever he wanted and we got some chips and salsa for an appetizer. That's the closest thing to bad that I ate all week. A few tortilla chips. So two pounds is a little depressing. But I've decided I'm not doing this for health or vanity. My motives?

Sheer. Fucking. Lunacy. (And to run a kick ass half-marathon in December, to stand around, waiting for Corey and Kristin to finish. Tonight, I ran 6 miles and did the 6th mile in 7:48. Okay, it was downhill but still, Corey... Kristin... I'm Drago sneering at the two of you: Apollo Creed.)

Jennie lost 2 pounds for a total of 9 pounds. "This seems to just be MY PACE FOR LOSING WEIGHT. On the one hand, normal. On the other, fucking frustrating. I was having one of those WHY AM I EVEN BOTHERING? moments this week and then I thought, hey, this pace will get me to my goal, so there's that. I also signed up for my first 5K this week, which is HUGE for me. HUUUUUGE. If anyone is in Austin March 28, come meet me at the finish line, which is where I'll stop because that's what a finish line is for no matter what Jillian Michaels says. ("You don't get to the finish line and stop." YES YOU DO, JILLIAN.)"

First of all, Jennie, why are you bothering? I'll tell you why you're bothering. Because you are not just you. You're one cell in the MamaPop organism (if you read that word fast, it looks like orgasm, which is funny because... orgasm). Anyway, we need healthy cells to have a healthy MamaPop organism. So that's why bother. Also, if all those little enigmatic monks were right, Jennie, then there's really no distinction between you and the world. So saving you is saving the world. That's why bother, Jennie, dammit. We bother because being bothered is worthy.

Also, congrats on the race entry. They're gratifying and addictive. Can't wait to hear about it.

Palinode lost 1 pound for a total of 8 pounds. "I pretty much stalled in my efforts this week. I just need to push it to lose another 2 and then: ta-da. Goal achieved. But getting below 145 may be a challenge - that seems to be my floor."

Nonsense. The only thing you need to push is your attitude. Did you read about TwoBusy? Pizza, beer, and positive thinking. Also, remember Week 2? When you and Schmutzie were knocking boots like college kids and fat melted like butter on toast? Get it on, Palinode. 

Kurt lost 1 pound for a total of 3 pounds. "My meteoric weight loss continues unabated. And by "meteoric" I mean "not  meteoric" and by "weight loss" I mean "Pretty much the same as having the flu for 2 days." I don't have any good stories to share because the entirety of my weight loss plan revolves around NOT eating things. So my stories all start "This one time there was this thing I wanted to eat..." and they all end with "but I didn't". I know that sounds like the adventure of a lifetime to some..."

Let me ask you this. If Kurt needed to borrow $50, would you give it to him?

Jodi lost .5 pound for a total of 3.5 pounds. "I weigh almost the same as Palinode." 

You're deflecting, Jodi. The First Step is admitting you have a problem. Have you seen The Doors? Have you seen late-stage wine-bloated Jim Morrison? The end of that road is not pretty.

Sweatpants Mom lost 1 pound and another 1 the week before for a total of 4 pounds. "I inexplicably lost a pound, probably due to work stress. No other reason because I've been stuffing my face with pita, hummus, coffee, donuts, pizza, corn nuts and Thai food all week."

It's time for me to step in and say that SPM's and TwoBusy's diet plans are not recommended for our readers. The MamaPop staff is clearly blessed by wizards and the jolly good luck of hobbits. 

*

But here's where all hell breaks loose.

Karen, 0, for a total loss of 5.5.

Outnumbered, gained .5 pound, for a total loss of 7.5 pounds.

Kelly, gained 1 pound, for a total loss of 6.5 pounds. 

Amber, gained 1.5 pounds, for a total loss of 5.3 pounds.

Mayopie, gained 2 pounds, for a total loss of 7 pounds.

*

[Hands on hips. Grimacing.]

I'm pretty much making this up as I go along, so what needs to happen here? Do we vote someone off the island? Do we get Trump to say "Ya Fired"? What?

No. None of that. We mustn't throw these MamaPoppers under the bus. We need to rain down upon them with positive thoughts. Close your eyes now. Rub your temples. Chant. Speak in tongues. BE GONE YE DEVIL FAT AND UNHEALTHY CRAVINGS! Think of a puppy. Playing. In the grass beneath the arc of a rainbow. Come back to health, MamaPoppers. Come back to health.

*

Amalah is drunk in Jamaica. Keeping her 4 pound loss. I know it's wishful thinking. And Schmutzie's just not feeling it, I guess. So keeping her 9 pound loss. Until I hear otherwise.So where does that leave us? Last week, we were at a collective total of 112.8 pounds lost.

Week 4 brings us to:

141 141.3! Not bad, MamaPop. That's almost 33 pounds a week and, subtracting that from our goal of 317, we've got 175.7 to go.

Sounds doable but I'm biting my lip. Interest is waning. People are gaining.

Will Amalah return from Jamaica, bloated and reeking of jerk chicken? Will Schmutzie return at all? Will TwoBusy's pizza and beer plan backfire?

Tune in next week.

*

Tell me something good. Tell me you lost weight. Tell me you saved some kids from a burning church. Tell me you can bend spoons with your mind. Something. Tell me something good.







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Comments

Snarky Amber

BHJ neglected to mention that I gained that 1.5 pounds while being a friggin SAINT all week. Diligently managing my Weight Watchers points, walking for at least an hour every day, drinking my water. It's fucking bullshit and I am pissed at my metabolism for this insult to my hard work. /defensiverant

missbanshee

You trying to steal my thunder, TwoBusy? I WILL BREAK YOU.

BHJ

Apologies to Amber. I write these posts late Thursday night and when I get down to the zeroes and gainers, I'm pretty sleepy.

But yeah. Weight gain doesn't mean you did anything wrong. This isn't a Christian contest. Sometimes, you do all the right things and your body does something else.

You'll bounce back.

Fawn Amber

This isn't a Christian contest...?

Miss Banshee

@Fawn Amber, there are moments during this contest that I fervently believe it is sent directly from Mephistopheles himself. Mostly during the "no pie" parts.

jodifur

For the record, I don't find the alcoholic jokes funny. Just saying.

TwoBusy

For the record, I'm enjoy these updates infinitely more than the running/starving/loss of joy process itself.

MayoPie

I also think it's worth noting that I'm only 3 pounds away from my goal. And I invented the pizza diet.

katie | motherbumper

I want mah crown. And you just know I will go the way of slutty pageant winners who get busted for old porn because that's how I roll. Um, so does anybody know how to file an injunction to block past mistakes seeing the light of day?

Jett

Dustin Diamond invented the pizza diet, Mayo.

Duh.

Kurt

BHJ, you are doing such an awesome job with these. Seriously. Good show and thanks for all the hard work.

I would totally loan me $50, but then when I didn't pay it back, I'd send some toughs around to break my kneecaps.




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