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The MamaPop Biggest Loser Challenge: Week 7

The_biggest_loser
The Banshee/BHJ showdown rages on as they both shed 3 this week but TwoBusy dropped 4 more to narrow the gap. Everybody else either lost a pound, remained the same, OR PACKED ON 3 IN JAMAICA. BHJ: 24. Miss Banshee: 23. TwoBusy: 16.

TwoBusy lost 4 pounds for a total of 16 pounds. "Last weekend, I made an enormous pot of chili, which we had for dinner four nights this week. 4 nights of chili = 4 lbs. I'm no rocket surgeon, but I'm pretty sure that's scientific proof: chili is magic."

Sound reasoning. Would you expect any less from a writer at (clicks tongue like one of those African clicky languages)... MAMAPOP? (That's not racist. I read Nisa.)

Miss Banshee lost 3 pounds for a total of 23 pounds. "I folded and ate boxed mac and cheese the other day, and ah mah gah it was so NASTY. I think I've completely ruined my palate with healthy food. DEAR GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

MamaPop Scientific Conclusion: Mac and cheese is both craved and nasty, overturning all values, throwing everything we thought we knew into question. Substance is empty. Being is time. Your mama is... never mind. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

BHJ lost 3 pounds for a total of 24 pounds. "I'm eating less and running faster & more."

MamaPop Scientific Conclusion: BHJ now has legs sculpted by Rodin.

Sweatpants Mom lost 1.5 pounds for a total of 9 pounds. "This was due to 1). Extreme stress in last 24 hours because friend is in ICU. 2). Stress over quitting my only paid writing gig last week. 3). Throwing in 2, 10-min treadmill sessions everyday (Flat Belly Diet recc 5-10 min after every meal but I can't swing that.) (I kind of slacked on Wii Fit Plus this week.) And possibly... 4). My new Skechers Shape-Ups? I got them last weekend and have been wearing them everyday. I swear my butt feels tighter and my calves feel like they're getting a workout."

MamaPop Scientific Conclusion: Extreme stress plus gimmicky shoes equals one sweet ass. It's not an opinion. It's like an apple smacking your dome, Sir Isaac.

Snarky Amber lost 1 pound for a total of 13 pounds. I hope Amber doesn't mind me spouting off about a milestone much bigger than the scope of this little 13 week contest (please don't mind, Amber. you're awesome!) Since September, Amber just hit THE 50 POUND MARK. I repeat: Amber has lost 50 fucking pounds. So this week, forget the rest of us and give Amber a shout out and a pat on the back. 

MamaPop Scientific Conclusion: Amber rocks the house. The results are in and they're conclusive. The house is seriously rocked.

Amalah lost 1 pound for a total of 4 pounds (AGAIN). "I've dug my way out of the vacation-gain deficit, and honestly, I'm surprised I did that well this week. I still believe I can get rid of another six. The good news is that you can finally navigate our sidewalks without fear of killing yourself on all the ice. I am infinitely more motivated to exercise outside than in."

MamaPop Scientific Conclusion: We're all animals who prefer the outdoors and domestic life is for tame losers who write for lesser pop culture websites. MamaPop is wild blood toothed ferocity. Perez is a house pet. Yeah, I said it. Go tell him.

Palinode lost 1 pound for a total of 8 pounds. "Again, I didn't do much to warrant any weight loss. My chief weight loss activities involved abstaining from alcohol and cooking meals at home instead of going out or ordering in. Mostly."

MamaPop Scientific Conclusion: Palinode burned 3500 calories with his thoughts. He carries stuff in his mind that weighs way more than anything in any gym. I'm talking Yoda, young Jedi. And MC Hammer.

Jennie lost 1 pound for a total of 12 pounds. "A little frustrating. I kicked it up at the gym and in my diet to make up for the ZERO from last week. I also gave up alcohol, which now hardly seems worth it. Oh well, slow and steady or some shit like that."

MamaPop Scientific Conclusion: Quitting drinking is never the answer. It's just a lie perpetuated by the billion dollar addiction treatment industry. 

So ends the weight loss. We lost 15.5 pounds this week. Not bad. I'm not complaining. It's a plateau week. Get ready for the fat to hit the wall next week. I don't know what that means, really, but I'm letting it stand. From now on, when you're trying to lose weight, think of it in terms of the fat hitting the wall. All cliches start somewhere. You just witnessed the birth of "fat hitting the wall".

Mayopie, Jodi, Kurt, and Karen all went the way of the Tao this week, losing none, gaining none, achieving balance in relation to the stillness residing in all our hearts and the heart of the universe. Light some incense. Smoke a J. Skip the Doritos, you hippies. 

Sarah screamed ''I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!", she ran away screaming, and slammed the door. Apparently Kelly and Schmutzie don't want to talk about it either because I never heard from them.

MamaPop Scientific Conclusion: Sarah's menstruating?

Motherbumper added 2 pounds, resulting in being stripped of her Biggest Loser crown. It's anyone's game. And Out-Numbered added 3 pounds because he drank himself to sleep all week on a Jamaican beach.

So deducting their 5 pounds brings us to a collective loss of 10.5 pounds for the week. The MamaPop Scientific Conclusion is that that shit is wack. But there's 6 weeks to go. We can do this. Chin up, MamaPop.

New staffer, Jurgen Nation, jumped right into the game with a bold goal for the remaining 6 weeks: 15 pounds, raising our MamaPop Blubber Number to 332 pounds. So far, we've lost a total of...

170NewsCover_lg 170.5. That leaves us with 161.5 pounds to shed in 6 weeks (this is of course a hopeful estimate because I'm not sure what happened with 3 of our players).

Let's crunch some numbers. We need to lose about 27 pounds a week. We have 18 players, meaning we could hit our mark if all of us were good for 1.5 pounds per week for 6 weeks. There's some play in there, of course, because some people have bigger goals than others, but the bottom line is this: We can do this.

We just can't do it with weeks like Week 7. So I need you, the readers, and all the MamaPoppers to circle up. CIRCLE UP! Okay. Pride on 3 pride on 3.

1...

2...

3... PRIDE!

. . . . .
BHJ wants you to remember to congratulate Amber.






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Comments

Fawn Amber

WTG, Amber!!That is frickin' awesome, sister.

I wanna see BHJ's legs, though. Maybe I'll be inspired to run. Doubtful, but anything is possible.

TwoBusy

Amber is the fuckin' bomb-diggity. Technically speaking.

Jennie

Agreed, giving up alcohol was a stupid, stupid decision. I should binge drink this week and not eat and see what that does.

Zoeyjane

You know that Rodin was a blind drunk, right? I dunno if you'd want his corpse carving your legs, man.

Gwen

Amber is 50 kg (see how I did that, Amber? B/c I'm an internationalist now and kilos are way cooler than pounds) of pure awesome. Amber for the win!!




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