The Billboard Top 50 Sexiest Songs of All Time: My YouTube Rendition of "Copa Cabana" Isn't On It

Just in time for Valentine's Day, Billboard is laying out the sexiest songs of all time and I'm going to make a mix tape.

You're dying to know what the #1 sexiest song of all time is, aren't you?  Would it shock you if I said the sexiest song ever was performed by Barbra Streisand?  It should.  If it doesn't surprise you, then your concept of sexy music frightens me.

There were some other surprises, though.  For me, some BIG ones.

When we received this news, I thought it would be fun to cover. I've been a little ranty lately and needed a change of pace. I should have considered there are 18 other people here more qualified to handle this. (We have 19 writers. See what I did there?)

That said, I did make a wonderful discovery while reviewing the list: I might be the perfect one for this, as I am likely the only one of us who has no idea that some of these songs are even about sex. In fact, everyone here will probably be making fun of me pretty soon. And that's going to be fun for everyone but me.

Before I go any further, I've copied the explanation of how the list was compiled directly from Billboard.com. The list will likely enrage you as some of your personal favorites aren't on it. That's why I'm taking the time to say, "don't yell at me, it's not my fault".

From Billboard's website:

These are, literally, the 50 most popular songs about sex ever, as based on each song's performance on the Billboard Hot 100 chart (from August 4, 1958 -- the inception of the Hot 100 chart -- through the Jan. 16, 2010 issue). Some songs are steamy slow-jams, some are hi-octane arena-rockers, but what they all have in common (and what got them on this list) is that the subject matter of each song is directly related to sex, in some way. No more, no less.

Got it?

Let's do this then.

I'm going to give you the top ten, then link to the rest of the list.

Drumroll please...

SEXIEST SONGS OF ALL TIME
 
1   PHYSICAL   Olivia Newton-John  
2   TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT (GONNA BE ALRIGHT)   Rod Stewart  
3   I'LL MAKE LOVE TO YOU   Boyz II Men  
4   TOO CLOSE   Next  
5   LET'S GET IT ON   Marvin Gaye  
6   HOT STUFF   Donna Summer  
7   DO THAT TO ME ONE MORE TIME   Captain & Tennille  
8   LIKE A VIRGIN   Madonna  
9   KISS YOU ALL OVER   Exile  
10   DA YA THINK I'M SEXY?   Rod Stewart  

You guessed it. Olivia Newton John. Duh. Sexiest song of all time. If that surprises you, how about the fact that "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls is nowhere on the list? Or "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails?  If there was ever a better sex song lyric than "I want to fuck you like an animal" it can only be "When I think about you I touch myself".

But whatever, this is a popularity contest not awesome sex songs that Clay sings in the shower. You can see the complete list of those songs in the above paragraph.

Ok, this is when I probably embarrass myself. Am I the only one who did not know that Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop" was about her touching her own clitoris? Whoa. True story. Number 49 on the list.

In my defense, I was eleven. I didn't even know women could masturbate when I was eleven. Furthermore, it never  even would have occurred to me the nice lady happily prancing around with Captain Lou in Goonies had a vagina. (Yes! Got to say vagina! I'm still eleven and loving it.)

It really doesn't matter how old I am. I don't get subtle innuendo and racy metaphors. You're going to have to hit me in the mouth with your sex in order for me to understand what you're really saying.

A perfect example of this would be number 14 on the list, Color Me Badd's "I Want To Sex You Up".  There is no subtlety here. This is in-your-face sex music. Nothing about bopping your southern parts. Just straightforward, bad music. (Number 14, people. I weep for our past more than our future.)

At number 44, you'll find George Michael and "I Want Your Sex".  Another fine example of sex in your face. Is anyone else disturbed that Color Me Badd is 30 spots higher than George Michael? Again, this is based on the amount of time these songs were on the charts, so we did this. We can't even bitch about it. I hate not being able to bitch (yet I persevere and somehow find a way).

Other than that, I find the list to be fairly reasonable with songs such as "Afternoon Delight", Tone Loc's "Wild Thing" and 50 Cent's "Candy Shop". I'm a sucker for the classics.

I'd mention Rod Stewart but I'm pretty sure nothing grosses me out more than the thought of Rod Stewart having sex. I'll probably delete that before I publish this. I'm tired and feeling a little goofy.

The entire list can be found here complete with videos that I had completely erased from my memory.

Comments

[JenGid]

She Bop is really about touching yourself?? Dang. I've heard something similar about Turning Japanese by the Vapors. I wonder what We Are the World really means now.

[Apryl's Antics]

What about "My Favorite Things" in the "Sound of Music". Brown paper packages and what not. You know what Julie Andrews was talking about.

[A Vapid Blonde]

Rod Stewart and Sex should never be mentioned in the same sentence....although his name is ROD...

[Sweetney]

No Prince song in the top 10 = FAIL.

[SP]

Motley Crue's "She Goes Down" is my personal favorite missing from the list.

"she goes down/she goes down/flat on her back she goes down/with all of my friends she goes down/for a backstage pass she goes down" in some order or another...PLUS a zipper sound effect!

Must be about one classy lady.

[Erin]

"She Goes Down"...ugh, memories. I listened to my Dr. Feelgood tape all the time and I don't think I had a clue what any of it was about.

Thank GOD.

[JAR]

I'm not going to kid you. Your discovery about She-Bop is life-changing news. I had no clue. I'm 37, I have a vagina and I had no clue that's what that song is about.

I guess you're never too old to learn.

[Julie]

Well, I'll be damned.

"Do I wanna go out with a lion's roar
Huh, yea, I wanna go south n get me some more
Hey, they say that a stitch in time saves nine
They say I better stop--or I'll go blind
Oop--she bop--she bop"

and

"Hey, hey--they say I better get a chaperone
Because I can't stop messin' with the danger zone
No, I won't worry, and I won't fret--
Ain't no law against it yet--
Oop--she bop--she bop--"

I had no idea about that either! I wonder if we were just too young at the time? Did our parents know? Was my mom secretly rolling her eyes and holding her tongue when I bopped along to that?

[Palinode]

Little Red Corvette.

That is all.

[TasterSpoon]

I remember "I wanna sex you upp" being semi-scandalous because Color Me Badd was super Christian and presumably virginal, but then I heard the lyric "Let's do it till we both wake up" and figured that they were unclear on the concept and took the term "sleeping together" literally.

[MayoPie]

Thanks for all the comments.

Shame on me for not even mentioning Prince. In my defense, it was 2:00 am.

Prince could sing "Michael row your boat ashore" and make it sexy. How Little Red Corvette did not make it is shocking.

I'm glad to see I wasn't the only one who was surprised by the Cyndi Lauper news. My inner-child needs to take a bath.

[Katya]

Gah! Seriously? Prince isn't in the top 10... why, that ought to be worth the revocation of some type of sexy license for someone!

[DianaCLT]

Tasterspoon...their line about wanting to "Cum slow so morning will cum before I do" was quite a jaw-dropper! I loathed them, but managed to arrange "winning" some tix to a concert, for my roommate. It was terrifying; little girls, about 5th grade, singing the very words I just referenced!