Tiger Woods To Talk Friday: I Wonder If He'll Mention that Sex Thing

First let me say, I was a Tiger fan.  I was at the '97 Masters when he rolled to a record-breaking victory. I even got to high-five him. I'm sure he remembers it.  It happened during the day preceding the tournament, so it's possible I gave him the lucky edge he needed. It was really our victory. That's why I say to my partner with all respect in the world, shut the fuck up, Tiger. I don't care.

Oh, so let me see if I can get this straight. Everywhere you go, good looking women want to have sex with you. It's the nature of the beast and expected.  I get it.  And instead of saying, "no" you say, "Woo hoo! Let's have some sex! Yeah! What an awesome idea! You know what? I like your sex idea so much, I'm going to have sex with you. Let's go have sex."  Am I getting this right?

Whatever. You enjoy having sex with hot women and you do it a lot. Shocker.  Here's why you're a total douchebag:

Well, betraying your wife and making her look like a fool in front of the world, for one, but your marital issues really are your business.  If I were her, your balls would be dangling in the wind (as my new earrings) while I basked in the sun on the bow of your yacht and tossed hundred dollar bills at naked cabana boys. I'd be buying Porsches to match my Ferraris and vice versa. I would call you a "whore" every time I saw you and dance naked in front of your friends. In other words, I would not only be the hellish wrath of a woman scorned, I would be the devil who wore Prada, wore it once and then burned it in your golf bag.

Reason #2 El Douche': You tried to sell me and everyone on the fact you were some loving and loyal family man with an addiction, rather than a guy with poor judgment and a weak will. And unless you change your tune tomorrow, you're still trying to sell it.

But...you're not a family man. If you were, you wouldn't be banging everything with eyeballs and blaming anything other than yourself.  You're a man who enjoys having sex with women so much that it trumps your commitment to your significant other. Welcome to the legions of unhappily married people who cheat. Not because of a disease, but because of something their marriages lack. What you should be saying is this:

I thought when I got married that I would be loyal and my beautiful wife would give me everything I needed to be happy, but I was way wrong. It turns out I really like having sex with all the women who want me to have sex with them.  A lot. And because it happens so much and I not only like the initial cat-and-mouse stages leading up to the sex, but also the sex itself, I'm just going to go ahead and do that from now on and end this charade. 

What I did to my wife was super mean and I've apologized a hundred different ways. In fact, she hit me in the head with a golf club, so she's not been without some redemption. That shit hurts.  Not that this makes up for it, but I'm also going to give her so much money it makes me puke when I think about it (pukes in his mouth a little). So anyway, you may think I'm a jerk, and yeah, it was jerky. But this is between my wife and I, and frankly, none of your damn business. This will be the last thing said on this subject. Thanks.

If he says something like this, I'll forgive him. His infidelity is not mine to forgive, nor would it be for the millions of other men and women who do it every day. 

His lying to me is a different story. It's his right to do so, but it's my right to call "bullshit" and walk away.  I just want the truth for once. What I have a problem with is the spin, the lies on top of lies, the formulaic and strategic melding of public perception to ensure the safety of his marketability. His becoming yet another in the parade of celebrities who blame their decision-making on an addiction. It's simply becoming the norm. Accountability is dying a slow death.

The very announcement of his coming out to make a statement made a couple of his sponsors' stock change.  Did you hear that?  Tiger Woods has extra marital sex, the stock market changes. And there we have the root of all the lies and manipulation that fuels this saga: Dolla dolla bills, y'all.

It started at the outset of all this, when the story emerged of his accident and how we were told the heroic tale of his being pulled from the car by his loyal and loving Elin. It's the cover-up that maddens me. The teams of people working around the clock who've been assigned to lie to protect his brand, from the moment he crashed into that tree.  That's what makes me sick about this whole thing and I'm just wondering if it will ever end. Not just with Tiger, but with all those who seek to insult your intelligence for nothing more than the opportunity to stay inside your wallets. It's nothing more than a big con and they can all suck it (calm down, Tiger, that wasn't an offer). 

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Comments

[mouthy_broad]

mayopie, i like you.

[BHJ]

But should they let him play golf? Where does cheating on your wife and lying about it rank with killing dogs in terms of letting professionals continue their professions?

(I'm seeing us writing dual (and duel) articles in the near future where we argue cerain issues and sling mud at each other's characters. Could be fun.)

[Deb on the Rocks]

You nailed it. If he lied to his wife but winked to us, he would have had a shot. But lying to us, too. I'm over him.

[Deb on the Rocks]

Wow, there is an ad above my comment about How to Survive Cheating and the woman looks really gutted. I say step one is some good pharm, and step two for her survival is a salon visit to put a little bounce in her step. Poor thing.

[jen from boston]

"Accountablility is dying a slow death." Gets to the meat as to why this bugs.

The infidelity issue is b/n him and his wife, yes - but the amount time time, money and PR legwork used to spin this bull$hit(and others like him)is disgusting. He's a golfer (a very rich one, I get it, but still); why we/they need to attach a psych issue to his roaming piece is beyond me. I really don't need to hear Dr. Drew pontificating on a man he's never met.

My husband & I have diferring views on how the golf world will take him back. Husband seems to think without a blink/they don't care; I tend to think the reception will be a little bit icey, maybe a few boos. Curious to see his first day back on the job after all this.

[Karen]

Whatever he says tomorrow, I want to see him on the next season of Celebrity Rehab. Dr. Drew will fix his little sex problem, but I still get to laugh at him :)

[JenGid]

Karen that would be the best show ever. You should pitch that. Mayo, you hit the nail on the head,put your speech into the teleprompter!

[iambellaluna]

Let's put weak will aside and talk a little bit about poor judgement...does anyone else think Tiger aimed low? I mean take a peak at his adorable wife Elin. Now look at his many womens. Fo REALS!? Your Tiger-Fucking-Woods, man.

[iambellaluna]

I don't condone his behavior at all and think he should've kept his cute family entact by keeping his fun stuff in his own damn pants, but if you're Tiger Woods & you're gonna cheat, why cheat with THEM!?

[Apryl's Antics]

I'm thinking there needs to be a clinic for EGO addiction. It's not the sex. They need to teach classes for people who let fame and fortune go to their heads. I think "You're Not That Good Looking, But Women Will Want To Have Sex With You Anyway 101" is a good start.

Now, BHJ, torturing dogs and cheating on your family are two totally different things, depending on who you married (ba da bum). I have no interest in watching either one of them do anything for money. However, Tiger broke vows and Michael Vick broke bones. I don't see how you can compare the two.

[Washington "The Master" Cube]

He'd be broke if he had to make money off of his sex tweets and im's. Just no imagination. He is not "The Masters" in the art of sexual seduction and stimulating imagery.

RUhOrnI4mE?

Uh. No.

[Fawn Amber]

I never gave a rat's ass about Tiger, or golf, or anything he sold, so I couldn't care less whether or not he plays again. I'm sure the number of professional athletes that stay true to their wives OR husbands are far outnumbered by those that don't. I do take issue with people trying to blame their raging libido on "sex addiction" though. Just shut up. You like sex. I like sex. We all like sex. What determines your character is with whom you choose to have it and moreso, to whom you say "no, thanks."

[steff]

this was awe-SOME.

[Jen O.]

Fawn Amber is a genius. Sex is sex. It was designed for us to enjoy it. A man (or woman) just has to keep their thing in their pants until they get home to their wife (or husband). This rule is not a difficult one to understand. If you can't follow this rule, that makes you stupid, not diseased.

Should he play golf again, compared to Vick the Dick? I think the line stands at whether or not what a professional athlete has done is illegal. Morals are wishy washy and differ from person to person. The law's the law. Vick is a criminal and should be treated like one. I don't care if he's done his time or whatever, and you're not going to convince me to care so don't even try.

What Woods is guilty of is a question of morals and, quite frankly, none of our business. Play golf again if you want, Tiger. I don't care. But I hope you can handle the hecklers because there will be hecklers.

[Suzy Q]

What Apryl said. All of it.

[MayoPie]

@BHJ Yeah, I'm with the ladies (surprised?)

But if hear about Tiger funding and operating an organized crime ring while taking a hands-on role in torturing and mutilating defenseless puppies for nothing more than a good time, I'm so not going to like that guy and will campaign for him to go away. Promise.

(Genius on the idea, by the way. We should totally do it.)

@Everyone else

I love you all. I want to hug you right now. Is it doable? Come on, you can work it out. Come here you guys. My arms are open and waiting. You can mapquest me. I have cookies. And I'll probably still have them by the time you get here. No promises, though. Just hurry. Waiting. Where are you?

[Suzy Q]

I'll bet it's warmer where I am, MP. Why don't you bring your cookies over here? We can do Hug Time!

[Irma]

Mayopie?

BRAVO.

[Fawn Amber]

I am totally down for cookies. Just point me in the right direction. :)

[Jennifer]

MayoPie - Awesome.

Tiger - Idiot.

[BHJ]

You elbowed me out of the hug. That shit hurts.

I got kind of slapped on the wrist about comparing what Vick did and what Tiger did. But I wasn't suggesting that they were equivalent. I just know you feel strongly about Vick not playing football because he killed dogs. Was wondering how you felt about Tiger playing golf after having multiple affairs. That's all. Just trying to sort out what offenses lead to being banished and what offenses are tolerable, in Mayoworld.

And Jen O., that's cool. You'll never convince me you should ruin a man's life after he did what our justice system required of him.

[MayoPie]

@BHJ You are hereby cordially invited to all group hugs. In fact, it's still going on over here. You're not too late. Bring cookies and you can still get in on this one.

[@thecaffeinatrix]

Woods is an idiot and his PR team really fucked up when they decided to spin his infidelities as an "addiction." But...at the end of the day, what Tiger does with other consenting adults, however douchey, is his business (and of course, his wife's business) and he should have approached it as such instead insulting our collective intelligence with some sex addict nonsense that nobody believes anyway.

[BaltimoreGal]

Mayopie, will you marry me?

[JustLinda]

Amen, brotha. Amen.

It's the lies, the spin, and the lack of accountability that chap my ass too. I hate that shit.

[Sweetney]

"But this is between my wife and I, and frankly, none of your damn business. This will be the last thing said on this subject. Thanks."

That -- just that -- is all he should have said.