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American Idol Should Go To Prison.

Prison This is the space that used to be sacred. This is the space that was built on love. I used to reminisce here about my favorite pass time. This used to be American Idol Recap. Not anymore. I am turning my back on you American Idol for deceiving me. You have committed a crime and now you must stand before a jury. Your actions will not come without consequences. This is America and we still have a choice and a remote control.

Make-it-stop First of all, I want to say I'm sorry to Ellen. Over the past several weeks I have wrongly chastised you for single handedly destroying my favorite show. I accused you of being humorless, annoying and even narcissistic. While I still think these things have some merritt, I now realize that you have not acted alone. You are part of a gang of thugs.

The reason why this show has been so successful is because there is a brilliant formula in place. It's simple. Find the best singing talent America has to offer, stick them on stage in front of a bunch of judges and make them sweat it out. As long as you stick to the prescribed formula everything else should take care of itself. So throw in a humorless, annoying, stand up comic that looks like Ricky Schroder if it makes you happy. It's not gonna kill us. We're human beings. We're a resilient race. Invite no-talent, manufactured, bubble gum pop stars to be guest mentors. Ask me if I care. But you've fucked up one major part of the equation...

THESE CONTESTANTS SUCK BALLS!!!!!

That's right. You heard me. They suck. They are terrible. They can't sing. They have absolutely no personality. No stage presence. They aren't even remotely competitive. There is no passion for music behind their cold, blank, lifeless eyes. They couldn't sing their way out of a paper (recycled) bag. And if that isn't bad enough... You the judges are buying into it. I know, I know, you trashed most of them last night for not picking the right song or whatever bullshit you pointed to as the problem. But this is a much bigger issue and it's not going away. You can't turn a glass of water into a glass of champagne. Don't even try.

Manowar1 You have to understand. I blame YOU, the judges. You had hundreds of thousands of potential contestants to choose from. They were standing right there in front of you. You blew it. You let it all slip right through your fingers and now you make these kids stand in front of millions and take your abuse? They aren't ready. They never were. They shouldn't be here. It's your fault.

Where are my Chris Daughtrys, my David Cooks and my Kelly Clarksons? We deserve them. You owe us. Fuck, I'd rather watch Sanjaya while repeatedly getting punched in the nuts, over Lee Dies or Kristen Bowersucks. I used to watch this show with my family. This was our night to bond. It was our time together. You've taken that away from us and it hurts. Last night, my 7 year old daughter threw a meatball at the TV after Ellen made a comment. She said, "I hate that guy. I want Paula back."

The producers should invite Manowar on to the show to be guest mentors. Manowar should beat the snot out of these kids and make them wish they had never signed up for this stupid show.

The verdict is in American Idol. Guilty as charged and the sentence is death.

Out-Numbered Out! For good.

Jason never thought he'd have daughters and now he will always be Out-Numbered.






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Comments

Jen O.

Amen. I still watch, but only because I literally have nothing else to do. Literally. If I had anything else in the whole world to do, I'd do that instead of watching. But I don't, so I do. I hate myself for it and regularly say outloud "This is HORRIBLE", so I think that makes up for it.

J.R. Reed

WTF does Ellen have to do with singing talent? The chick can barely dance much less sing. How is she qualified to judge anyone. Right on with this post! Bring back that intoxicated, juiced up retard Paula Abdul! She made it fun to watch!!!

MayoPie

You're absolutely right. I turned it off last night, put on some Sanjaya then punched myself in the nuts. It was way better.

Elfini

If only I had a dollar for every time someone threw a meatball at the TV... ::sigh::

Anastacia

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

1. The "Make it Stop" picture is officially my wallpaper, my screen saver and will, in two days hence, be my biz card logo. And logo in life.

2. I love you.

3. Carol Trousersocks, Didi Binimimi and Lee. The others can STFU and GTFO.

4. PAIGE MILES YOU HAVE RUINED ONE MR. PHILIP COLLINS IV FOR ME. THAT SONG IS SACRED.

5. Huey Lewis? Really? I thought I saw him in the background on trumpet, and then when my heart started to sing BECAUSE I THOUGHT I SAW HUEY LEWIS, I knew. It was over. Life. It's over.

6. Huey Lewis should have been the judge they chose after Paula. How awesome would that have been?

7. Hey Randy, do you even know how to talk? Yo yo what yo dawg yo what [repeat seventy eleventy timez]. What does that even mean? Is he having a seizure? Is that a speech impediment? HOW DOES HE MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL?

8. Fuck. I forget what 8 was for.

Elfini

9 9 9 for a lost god

BaltimoreGal

That first picture makes me so happy. The second picture makes me so sad.

Fabs

Please don't throw meatballs at me, but I like Ellen on the show. I think she's funny even if she does look like Ricky Schroeder.

Out-Numbered

The truth is, I really like Ellen. I think she's totally watchable and super quick. I just don't think she belongs on Idol. It's annoying. Looking like Ricky Schroeder? Not a bad thing... I just can't take the whole thing anymore. Simon is probably laughing inside...

Suzy Q

I'll wait here while you retrieve your extra consonants and unnecessary apostrophes, Mr. WriterMan.

All bad judging aside, how can you not like Crystal Bowersox? She's actually talented, unlike most of the rest of them.

Out-Numbered

@SuzyQ What's up with the grammar bashing? What are you a college professor? Why don't you try and write an American Idol recap on the train at 7am in 40 minutes, while in a blind rage? Maybe next time I'll send it to you first by snail mail and you can mark it up with a red pen. Send me your address. BTW, since when do you spell writer man with weird caps in the middle of one word (WriterMan)? Just checking because now I'm confused. Oh and Bowersox is a mediocre street performer at best. Or is that StreetPerformer? You tell me...




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