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Dancing With The Stars Recap: I'm Being Punished For Something

Dancingwiththestars  Readers? Dear readers. You asked for it, you pleaded for it, and now you've got it. Your tiny little internet pal Miss Banshee is recapping Dancing with the Freaking Stars. This is my first time watching it, so I had NO IDEA WHAT THE HOLY FU...I mean, how interesting this show is. Hold me?


A disclaimer. I know next to nothing about dancing. I was a goth club kid, I danced in platform boots in a cage. I'm horribly uncoordinated. I know that tonight, half the couples did the Cha Cha, and half did the Viennese Waltz, and no one fell down. That there gets all 10s from me. But that's not how this show works, so let's dive in and see what we're in for. I SAID hold my HAND. This shit is terrifying. 

Tom Bergeron, who is no Chris Harrison, I'll tell you that much for free, is our host, and tells us that we've gone through five years of this show, which means this is the TENTH SEASON? Wow, am I behind. Okay! So we get a little montage of seasons past, which we don't care about, and everything leads up to the Most! Talked! About! Season! Yet! THIS! Is Dancing With The Stars!

We're LIVE from Hollywood, and with Tom is Brooke Burke, who used to be a host on "Rockstar: Supernova" which I might have been a little obsessed with. It was a Dave Navarro thing, I don't want to talk about it. 

Shannen-doherty-evan-lysacek-kate-gosselin
 

ANYWAY! Let's meet the Stars! We have:

  • NFL star Chad Ochocinco
  • Shannen Doherty, professional beeyotch
  • Erin Andrews, ESPN reporter
  • Jake The Bachelor
  • Niecy Nash, comedienne, "Reno 911," "Clean House"
  • Evan Lysacek, Olympic Gold Medalist, Figure Skating
  • Buzz Aldrin, Astronaut
  • Nicole "Pussycat Dolls" Scherzinger 
  • Aiden "Soap Star" Turner
  • Kate Gosselin, Known for being fertile
  • Pammy Anderson, Known for being in sex tapes.

WELL. Those are some...people! Who are...stars? Or were? Or...Well they're all here, by gum, and they're gonna dress up real pretty and dance for us, isn't that nice of them? And there's a full band, which we will quickly realize take popular songs and MURDER THEM WITH THEIR INSTRUMENTS I mean, perform them live during the dancing, and there are three judges with various stages of dementia, and eleven REAL dancers, none of whom have names I can spell or pronounce, so THAT should be fun, and those dancers are the partners of each of the "stars" and I think we're all caught up, so let's start with...

Chad Ochocinco, who thinks he is the BEE'S KNEES, man, so much so that he took the number off his football jersey and created a last name out of it. That's right, his number is 85, so he changed his last name to "Ochocinco." We're just going to call him Chad, because that's less obnoxious. 

Chad interviews that he's a saucy lad, he gets a little naughty on the football field, and he's very confident about bringing that sass to the dance floor. He's paired with Cheryl Burke, who has won this competition twice, probably because she has the only pronounceable name of the professional dancers. She's gonna put Chad to WORK, baby. He says she's the coach, he doesn't want to be babied, and she should tell him if he's doing something wrong. Chad and Cheryl are doing the cha cha, which is "fun and flirty" just like them. Gag. Shut up, Cheryl. Montage of Cheryl kicking Chad's rookie ass. And now we dance!

Um, this is where recapping this is going to be hard for me. They...dance? Together? It's all hips and sexy sexy, and Cheryl's wearing this bubble skirt that she keeps hitching up so far that we can almost see HER chacha, if you know what I'm saying, and no one fell down! Yay!

Let's go to the judges. Len Goodman, an older British gentleman, says Chad did well, "came out like a tiger" but needs to work on his posture. Then we get to a hobbit named Bruno Tonioli, who talks about Chad's "huge huge...talent" with an accent so thick that I just stare at him with my mouth agape. I'm supposed to understand what this hobgoblin is saying? Are they serious? I think he says Chad can dance but it should be sharper? Maybe? Okay, moving on, here's Carrie Ann Inaba, who liked Chad, and wants him to "extend" because she wants to see more. Chad and Cheryl go to Brooke, who asks Chad if he's worried tonight, which, NO, because he's awesome. Scores? Not so awesome. Len: 6, Bruno, 6, Carrie Ann, 6, for a total of THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST, no really, it's 18 out of a possible 30, so that's not as awesome as Chad and Cheryl hoped. Cheryl says the score doesn't matter, and she's right, because this is one of those shows where the viewers call in and vote, so the judges make judge-y noises but the scores really don't count for much. 

Bergeron gives the audience a 7 for their booing of the scores. I give Bergeron the finger. 

Commercials! Luke Wilson is SO pasty and bloaty...Methinks someone needs to lay off the pizza and beer and get on the MamaPop Loser plan. 

We're back, with everyone's favorite beeyotch, Shannen Doherty, she of the legendary 90210. She's doing this for her dad, who had a stroke, and loves the show. He asked her to do the show and she can't say no to her daddy, so here she is. She's paired with Mark Ballas, who looks like he just staggered off of the Jersey shore. Total gel-monkey. They're doing the Viennese Waltz, and there's a montage of Shannen tripping and being generally awful. She says she's "frozen in fear" and she is literally going to get hives. Gel-Monkey says he'll feed her anti-histamines. 

They dance. It's very choppy and stiff. You can practically see Shannen counting the steps out as she desperately tries to remember the choreography. 

Judging! Shannen's already crying her fake eyelashes off. There's NO CRYING in ballroom dancing, Shannen. Len compliments her on doing such a hard routine for the first show, Bruno gets out of his chair chattering on about Shannen and swinging his arms around willy-nilly, and Shannen, being the queen bitch she is, has NO TIME for Hobbit-boy and interrupts his bizarre diatribe by saying that her father is in the audience, and she did it for him, and that's all that matters, you freakish little troll. And, well done, Shannen! Carrie Ann says Shannen was really in her head and stumbled a lot, but she thinks she'll improve. Over with Brooke, Shannen breaks down talking about her daddy, and Brooke idiotically asks her why live teevee is scary. BECAUSE IT'S LIVE, Shannen duh's. Scores? 6, 6, 6 again. I refrain from another devil joke. Brooke says this is RILLY HARD so vote early and often!

Commercials! You know what gives you a high? A rush? CRACK COCAINE! No, it's the savings you get at Walmart.

Next up is ESPN commentator Erin Andrews. Isn't she the one who had the peeping tom peep on her and put it on YouTube or something? Way to not let that make you hide away like a hermit, Erin! Good on you. She's with Maksim Chmerkovskiy, which, fuck THAT, she's with MAX, and Max is a hottie with a sexy accent. Max has a rep for being hard on his dancers. There's a flat joke wherein Erin said she asked for a different partner. She's kidding. She wants to be the best. Max says she's a perfectionist, which is annoying, because she stops herself before she even does anything wrong.

Cha Cha Cha! Oh GOD it's that Ke$ha song, only it's a remix, not Ke$ha, so it's EVEN WORSE if you can imagine. They dance very very sexily. Erin is the first one to look like she's having fun. Max is sex on legs. Very nice.

Carrie Ann says Erin is a nice surprise and has good moves, she just needs to be sharper. Len calls Erin a "funky monkey" and that her legs aren't straight enough, and Bruno wants to see more of Erin's legs in the air. Um, someone took a peeping tom video of her, Bruno. That's not an awkward thing for her to hear, I'm sure. Scores: 7, 7, 7. The NEIGHBOR of the beast! Brooke yells at us to vote.

Commercials! I think I've made my feelings on Nicholas Sparks and "The Last Song" quite clear.

Oh god. It's our old friend Jake. Hi Jake! It seems like just last week you were tormenting me on Monday nights, and now...you're...tormenting me on Monday nights. I did something very bad in a past life. ANYWAY, Vienna is in the audience, still as skanky as ever, and Jake does this awful bit where he gives his partner Chelsie Hightower a rose. It's agony. Chelsie, who already annoys me with the spelling of her name, tries, and dismally FAILS to teach Jakey to do the waltz. He feels dumb. She tells him it's all gonna be okay, and gosh darn it, Jake believes just that.

The band SLAUGHTERS "Kiss From A Rose" and somewhere, Seal impregnates Heidi Klum again, as he does every time that song is played. They're dancing, no one is falling down, it's the BAND. It's AWFUL. They are destroying the song. Jake dances very, very, very white-ly. Agony. Did I mention the agony?

Judges! Len thinks Jake's sticking his bum out and has to stand up straight. Bruno talks about how Jake needs to keep his legs together (unlike Erin) because it looks like he's on a horse. (Y'all? Just assume Bruno says a lot more, okay? That was the only part I was able to translate, seriously, the creature speaks an alien language. Also I think he said Jake was going to kill and eat Chelsie during the rhumba. I'm not making that up.) Blissfully sane Carrie Ann says Jake knows how to do romance, and he should work on his posture. As should we all, Carrie Ann. As should we all. 

Commercials!  If you can't poop, listen to Jamie Lee Curtis and eat some damn yogurt. 

Let's get Jakey and Chelsie's scores. Carrie Ann: 7. Len: 6. Bruno:7. They're excited, even though the points don't matter, like, at all. THEN. AH MAH GAH. Jakey, honest to god, says to Brooke that "proposing to Vienna was the honor of (his) life, but this (dancing) is scary." Excuse me, I'm going to be sick. 

Next is Niecy Nash, who is HIGH-LARIOUS. She hosts "Clean House" and is on "Reno 911." She was kicked out of a dance class in 8th grade and never went back. She's paired with Louis Van Amstel, who doesn't care if you have two left feet, he'll make you dance. Just ask Kelly Osbourne, who Twitters incessantly about him. (they were paired last season.) 

In rehearsal, Niecy is adorbs and goofy, and says that she's VERY concerned about her jiggly parts. She prides the junk in her trunk. She's heard about these chicks who go on the show and lose all this weight. If she loses an ounce, heads will roll. I love her.

The band destroys "Rescue Me" as Niecy and Louis cha cha. They look like they're having a lot of fun, and do a fakeout collapse at the end. Very cute. Niecy's happy-crying. Bruno says that Niecy is sassy AND a born again virgin and Bergeron cuts him off. Carrie Ann loved it. Len thought it was clean, clear and precise, but BORING. The crowd boos. Niecy counters, saying she REMEMBERED HER STEPS, so Len can pretty much suck it. Over with Brooke, Niecy is very happy and thankful. Scores are: Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 5, Bruno: 6. Niecy says she's dedicating her performance to "the big girls." 

Commercials! Cadbury Creme Eggs. Hand them over and no one gets hurt. 

Next is Evan Lysachek, Olympic gold medalist figure skater. Well. That hardly seems fair. He's a dancer, just on ice! With the spinnies and the flippies and jumpies and stuff! Unfair advantage! I scowl! He's paired with...oh my god, ok, Anna Trebunskaya. These names are killing me. And anyone who knows me IRL knows that I have a VERY weirdly spelled/pronounced last name, so I know of what I speak. Anyway, Anna meets Evan over in Vancouver during the Olympics, and hopes she doesn't hate him for beating the Russian skater. Here's something interesting: The spins in dance are in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION than the ones in figure skating, and it's giving Evan vertigo. He's all messed up in rehearsals. Oh well, waltz, ya babies!

The band murders "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain, as Evan and Anna waltz. He's SO stiff. Nothing wrong with Evan's posture, it looks like he has a rebar up his ass. He looks, and moves, like a mannequin. 

Carrie Ann likes it. But he's not connecting with the audience. Len says he's very elegant, but needs more chemistry with Anna. Bruno babbles about 747s and swans...I'm hopeless against his accent. Over with Brooke, Evan says forgetting skating and getting into dance is tough. Scores: Carrie Ann, 8, Len, 7, Bruno, 8. How does that feel, asks Brooke. Anna, the female Bruno, rambles about nothing until Evan and Brooke cut her off. This show is a mess. 

Before we bring out Buzz Aldrin, here's a video from the International Space Station wherein the astronauts do flips. Whee. Anyway, here's one of the original moon-walkers, and I don't mean like Michael Jackson. The man is EIGHTY YEARS OLD. He's paired with Ashly Costa, who's been off the show for a while, but is ready to get back in the game. 

In rehearsal, Buzz calls Ashly a "hot babe" and talks about sock hops at West Point. Ashly is worried, not about his physical health, but remembering his routine. Someone with a cue card makes Buzz say that he's "walked on the moon, now he'll dance with the stars." Argh.

Commercials! The new Ford Taurus talks to you like KITT. My Kia has a tape deck.

We're back and ready for Buzz and Ashly to Cha Cha. Oh my. Um. Okay, oh PLEASE Buzz, don't break a hip. Ashly dances around him and Buzz kind of bounces up and down carefully. It's...a little difficult to watch. The audience goes berserko because nothing TERRIBLE happened. I'm clapping too. Yeesh.

Len remembers Buzz walking on the moon. He says Buzz sucks as a dancer, though. Bruno stands up and says something about Buzz still wearing moon boots. Carrie Ann says he was an inspiration. Brooke wants to know why the hell Buzz is doing this. He's doing this to motivate others. Scores! Carrie Ann, 5, Len, 4, Bruno, 5. Everyone boos. Dudes, please. The dude was a fighter pilot and an astronaut. He's also 80 freaking years old. Be nice to him. Everyone knows the points don't matter anyway.

Commercials! I tried the spherical brush on the Telescopic Explosion mascara from Loreal and it totally clumps. Don't buy it. You're welcome. 

Let's thank the band! OMG, let's NOT. Don't encourage them, Bergeron.

Next up is Nicole Scherzinger, who, along with the other Pussycat Dolls, is a multi-platinum selling "recording artist." Yeah, let's go with that. Anyway, she''s used to bumping and grinding and generally being skanky, so the waltz is a new gig for her. She's paired with Derek Hough, who I dislike ON SIGHT. He has overly processed hair and Spock eyebrows and I don't like his face. 

In rehearsal, Nicole and Derek are "complete dorks" but they're gonna be awesome. We'll see. In performance, Nicole has these hankies tied to her wrists that are driving me nuts. at least she's wearing more than a bra and hotpants, so you know, thank jeebie for small favors. They seem pretty comfortable with each other, dance-wise. We'll see what the judges say. 

Bruno jumps up and yells and screams in a positive way. Carrie Ann thinks it was incredible. She's stunned by how good it was. Len says there's no footwork, they lack musicality, and need to work on their technique. Damn, Len. 

Commercials! K-Mart layaway! Because we're all broke as shit!

Let's get Nicole and Derek's scores! Carrie Ann, 9! Len, 7, Bruno, 9! Over with Brooke, Nicole says it's a long way from "chest pumps and booty dips." Indeed.

Next! We have Aiden Turner, who was on "All My Children," playing, coincidentally enough, a man named Aiden! Aiden the character is currently on the lam, as Aiden (the actor) left the show when AMC moved production to LA, where he did not want to move. SO now he's on DWTS, which is in...LA! Makes perfect sense. Anyway, he's hot and he has an accent. He's paired with oy, Edyta Sliwinska, who has a Russian accent and was booted early last season, so she's ready for revenge. 

In rehearsal, Aiden brings Edyta flowers, and she is all OMG, He Is So Hott. Aiden is very silly in rehearsal, and hopefully can bring that energy to the cha cha. He's all bruised up from rehearsal, but his spirit is strong! Dance, monkeys!!!!!

Where to start. Well, we'll start with Edyta's clothing, which she has forgotten to put on. Seriously, she has some cleverly placed fringe and that's IT. Also, they're dancing to a TORTURED version of "Hungry Like The Wolf" an assault I take personally in the name of Duran Duran. 

Judges! Carrie Ann: Good gusto, but it didn't go anywhere. There was no flow, man. Len: There's a dancer in there, but he hated Aiden "just standing there." Bruno says something about "nothing going in the groin" and I crawl under the couch to get away from the weird little gnome-dude. 

Commercials! I do not believe there is a cooking school in Tuscany for the freaking Olive Garden, and there's nothing you can do to convince me. 

Scores! 5's all around. Brooke asks how disappointing all that is. I am SHOCKED that the FCC let Edyta wear that...string as an outfit. Aiden says he did his best. Brooke reminds us, endlessly, to vote. Edyta rambles until Brooke cuts her off.

It's Kate Gosselin time! We all know about Kate. Her kids are old enough to be snarky now. Eeeeeexcellent. Seriously, do I have to tell you anything about Kate other than she got those extensions groomed to a much more flattering length? She's paired with Tony Dovolani, who's ready to win.

In rehearsal, Kate is a RIGHTEOUS BITCH. She sulks. She moans. She complains. She blames it all on nerves. Tony questions her. Does she even want to be here? Yes, she does. She snaps at him to stick with her. She dedicates her performance to all the moms. Waltz timez!

They aren't so much "dancing" as they are "prancing" around the stage. Also, Kate's wearing this Pepto pink flowy number that's vair ugly, but at least she's WEARING CLOTHES, EDYTA.

Len says she looked wicked nervous. Bruno says it was like Tony was pushing a shopping cart around. HA! Point for the crazy man!  Carrie Ann: Appreciates that Kate's not a performer or an athlete and she gives her props for that. We'll get scores after...

Commercials! The new Taurus is as high tech as they come. My Kia has a broken armrest. 

Scores for Kate and Tony: Carrie Ann, 6, Len, 5, Bruno, 5. Kate tells Brooke that she's glad it's over. Such a DOWNER, that Kate. 

Now! It's time for Pam Anderson, who is the most recognized woman in the world. That's terrifying and sad. She's doing this for her dear auntie, who used to do a little softshoe in her day. She's paired with Daniel Whitewood, who calls himself the Wizard of Oz, because he's Australian. So clever. Argh. 

In rehearsal, Pammy says she's uncoordinated and tone deaf. Daniel ends up with his face in her boobs. She's better at running in slow motion than doing the cha cha. Dance for your life, Pamela!

Well, it's nice to see that Pam wore a classy ballroom outfit and is doing the dance traditionally. Psych, she's dressed like a hooker and dancing like a stripper. Aren't you shocked? I know I am. Judges?

Bruno says "Stripperella's back home" and yells a lot, standing on his chair. Carrie Ann says that Pam was having fun and that's important. Len says it was an absolute mess and Pam, Daniel, and Bergeron cut him off. Pam interviews with Brooke that she's having a lot of fun. Scores. Carrie Ann: 7. Len, 6. Bruno, 8. 

We get a recap of all the dancers so we know which numbers to call and text blah blah blah.

Here's the deal with the results show. Instead of another recap, I'll be over on Sparklemotion for the Tuesday results show (not this week, they all come back this week) NEXT WEEK. We'll hit it open-thread stylie for the results, okay? Okay.

And now? I leave you, to cha cha cha directly to my bed, for it is very very late indeed. 


. . . . .
Miss Banshee misses ManRay, where she used to dance on a chain-link spiderweb.







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Comments

Rachel

The Luke Wilson ads are...unfortunate. I try to remember that he once found his older brother bleeding out on the floor. He earned a couple years of pizza and beer.

Fawn Amber

Ok, firstly? I LOVE YOU FOR DOING THIS!!!!

There was NOTHING not awesome about this recap. I don't know dick about ballroom dancing, so I'm really just here for the snark, and snark you delivered, my sister.

Also? I loved Rockstar: Supernova!

And Derek Hough is my favorite. Maybe he'll grow on you, yes?

heidi

Oh, Miss B.

You are too good to us. I loathe this show almost as much as I love your recaps. Thank you for your sacrifice, your service.

DianaCLT

Spectacular recap. Hysterical! I actually spit on my computer screen, I was laughing so hard. Which...eew..but still! I am boycotting this season, because Kate a couple of others make me stabby, but I look forward to your recaps!

JenGid

Thank you for taking one for the team. I seriously hope you get paid well for this, it was awesome!

Dawn

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! This is some of the most awesome snark ever! I pink puffy heart you for doing this for us, your beloved little squirrels.

tonya

I watched this show and set a season pass for it only so I could follow along with your recaps! I so hoped you would do this!

P.S. No Kate love here, but I believe she would be one of the most commonly known infertile woman as she underwent fertility treatments for her litter.

shannon r

I know this was painful... but I really hope you stick with doing these recaps. Reading this has been the highlight of my day. Srsly.

And? "Max is sex on legs"...

Truer words have never been spoken. Or, rather... written. Whatever.

Karen

Is it just me or was Anderson two sheets to the wind?

mrschaos

I kinda love Miss Banshee. Like really.

Fabs

Great recap, I was LMAO!! I don't mean to pick on Buzz Aldrin's wife, but holy heck did you see her face??? Scary.

Linda

That was awesome! I don't watch the show (nor the Bachelor) but I will be hear every week to read your recaps. Fantastic!

Mers

"7, 7, 7. The NEIGHBOR of the beast!"

Miss Banshee, you slay me. There were more, but it seems ridiculous to copy the whole entry back into the comments. Looking forward to next week!

Tracy H

Yay!! Thanks for doing this. You're recaps are awesome! Ugh, also dislike Derek Hough, might like him a little more if he would just come out of the closet already.

Therese

This is AWESOME! I watched the show last night and your recap just makes it all that much better. I especially love your description of Bruno. He is a scary little gnome like creature. Thanks for the laugh!

Suzy Q

You mean your last name isn't Banshee?

Dance, monkeys, dance! This show is a trainwreck.

Tanis Miller, RNM

I laughed reading this. I laughed hard. And if you knew what was going on right now with my family, you'd know this was a feat near impossible.

So Kudos to you Banshee. Keep it up. Cuz I need the giggles.

Laura F

Your reviews are always hilarious and this was no exception! God knows I need the laffs, too...

JellyBean

Pam Anderson was definitely two sheets to the wind or high on something other than life!

cindy w

Niecy Nash was really the only reason I watched the show at all. She didn't disappoint, I love her. Hope she sticks around for a while.

Awesome recap. And yeah, that band was pretty... horrible.

P.S. I had a Dave Navarro thing too. Briefly. I'm kind of embarrassed about it now. He's not aging well.

Bethany

I love Nicey Nash. I watched her part on Hulu just because you mentioned her in your recap (I had no idea she was on the show otherwise).

I just adored her "I'm dedicating my performance to all the thick girls" and that she still had a flower in her hair.

soullldiva

Fucking HIGH-larious. And that's the first time I've ever typed the word "fucking" online. Give me a fucking gold star. Love you.

Katie

ohmagod, I'm sorry your wicked talent has to be put to such use... You are presenting an unbelievable level of commitment to your job with this one, DWTS sucks big time bleeeeehhhh

Alex

Miss B., you could be recap the back of a soup can and I'd read it. This was great, as always.




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