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Dancing With The Stars Recap: The Medicated Edition

Dancingwiththestars  You guys, I am VERY loopy tonight on medication (all legal and prescribed, calm down,) so this recap might just be a leeeeetle wonky. But it might just be the Best! Recap! Ever! So let's go! It might actually make this crap easier to watch. Ooooh, look, something shiny...


We are greeted by Bergeron and Brooke, who intro the "stars" and tell us that THIS week your votes actually count. So last week's calls? Totally irrelevant. Aren't you glad you voted??? I'm glad I didn't. Not that I'm going to vote tonight. Y'all? If I ever care enough about this show to vote? Please ship me to the lunatic asylum. It would be the merciful thing to do. 

Shannen-doherty-evan-lysacek-kate-gosselin
  Shannen and Mark are first. We're reminded that they got a LOT of criticism last week, and so they're making the jive easier, choreography-wise. Doesn't stop Shannen from getting cranky and pissy, though. She tries to throw a tantrum. Oh! But Mark isn't playing, though, and announces that he's not "dumbing anything down." Oh snap!  Standing up to Shannen! Gel Monkey, you impress me! See, Mark's used to chicks like Shannen from all the time he spends down the shore. Snooki would eat Shannen alive. 

They jive. Oy. They're dressed in 50s gear, only more spangly, and...it doesn't seem like they're coordinated at the beginning. Someone's ahead of the other, I can't figure out who. Someone's off, though. They manage to pull it together by the end, though, and do a lot of jumpy hoppy thingies. It's good, mostly. The outfits, though, are very not good. I'm high as a kite and I know that much for certain. 

Judges? What did you think of the Jive? Len! It was fun, fast, energetic, but a little out of control. Work on the finesse, and it'll be great stuff. Bruno: He loves-a da mean girl! So much better, kicks and flips could have been sharper, though.  Carrie Ann: Very strong, nice to see Shannen perkier, but yeah, they weren't coordinated by about three beats for some of it. I KNEW it wasn't just me. Over to Brooke: Shannen explicitly trusts Mark, who says "no risk, no reward." Scores that don't matter? Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, Bruno 7. Don't forget to vote! I take it more seriously when Seacrest says it. 

Commercials! RELEASE THE KRACKEN! Never stops being funny. 

Aiden and Edyta: Last week, Edyta didn't wear clothes, and they were second to last in the voting, we are told, and the foxtrot is a hell of a lot harder to learn in four days than the three weeks they had first time around. Clips from rehearsal show AIDEN is throwing a tantrum! Divalicious! Edyta walks out. She's upset. She's just trying to teach him. Oops. Aiden mea culpas. Too late, soap star who was neither the star nor is on a soap anymore! You made her cry! He feels really bad for getting pissy. 

They dance. They seem..slow. Or maybe it's me. Someone's slow tonight! They throw kisses to the judges. Edyta is once again a dancing wardrobe malfunction, as the back of her dress is non-existent down to the nano-milimeter above her asscrack. Wham! She elbows him in the face! Whack! She does it again! I'm in tears laughing. Ah, violence on the dance floor. Awesome. Nothing like a couple elbows to the face to get the dancing show really started. 

Comments? Bruno: A glimmer of hope for Aiden! Don't get your knickers in a twist, believe in yourself. Carrie Ann: Nice job, last week you were trying too hard. All that drama in rehearsal paid off. Len: economic in the moves, footwork was v. good. They improved over the past week, well done. Over to Brooke: How's the tension? She whacked him in the face twice. They try to play that down, but there's nothing subtle about getting your teeth loosened by a good elbow to the jaw. There's a lot of pressure for the dancers as well as the stars, Edyta chatters. She goes off on a tangent about nothing, so Brooke quickly throws to the judges. Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, Bruno 6. Aiden feels good. He loves Edyta to bits. 

Commercials! Nothing says mother-daughter bonding like a healthy digestive tract. Yogurt! Eat it with yo momma! 

Oh my god you guys, tomorrow on the results show? JOHN STAMOS. And the Beach Boys. It's like 1989 all over again!

Evan and Anna are next. Last week Evan was stiff as a board. Anna doesn't agree that they don't have chemistry and whatevers Len's comment about it. Evan went home to get feted as an Olympic winner and brought Anna. He speeches at a podium that anything is possible and everyone in his hometown should vote for them. OMG, he just..is SO stiff. In everything he does. How in the world did he win a gold medal in something like figure skating? It's a mystery.

They jive. Evan's mouthing the words to the song. Aw, that's adorbs. He's really trying, he's just so. Stiff. He's also RILLY tall, and he's all arms and legs on the dance floor. This dance is all jumpy and hoppy and Evan just looks silly. White boys can't jive! Seriously, it looks wicked hard, harder than the foxtrot, IMO. 

Judges? Carrie Ann: Great energy, it's a hard dance, they really worked on personality, like they were told to last week. Len: was happy, tall dudes can't jive, which I can't argue with, that's for sure, and there's something weird with Evan's feet. Len, he's used to skates! Man, I seriously thought Evan would be a lock because of the skating thing, but I was wicked wrong. Bruno: "Spot on. On da feet. Don't go wobbly," is all I can make sense out of. Is he talking to me? Cause I feel REALLY wobbly. You think I'm joking, but I'm really not. I am STONED. I'm gonna kill my doctor.

Commercials! Ah Mah Gah, Wife Swap is back, and WACKIER THAN EVER. Dude. There are fake babies involved. One of the wives has a houseful of FAKE BABIES. HELLO? AWESOME. 

Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, Bruno 8. Evan is with a partner for the first time, and that's hard but nice. Anna says that Evan likes cheesecake. Brooke laughs, no one else does. English as a second language is hilarious! Vote!

Yay! Niecy and Louis! Last week they had plenty of personality with the cha cha. Foxtrot isn't foxy. It's haaard. Louis is crazy and Niecy doesn't get it. He needs to speak in food metaphors for her to understand. He tells her to be like butter. NOW she gets it. She interviews that she can do more than shake a tailfeather, dammit. Watch out, she's gonna be graceful if it kills her. She pratfalls. I adore her. 

Dancing! It seems quite cautious. They're making it look easy, which I am sure it is not. What is also not easy is not cracking up, cause Niecy is blatantly singing the song and hops on someone's (husband?) lap in the audience at the end, and it is SO cute. Her dress is shiny and pink and there are feathers on the bottom and I swear I had a Barbie with a dress JUST like it. THAT'S where I've seen all these costumes before! They're totally Barbie clothes! 

Len: They had musicality, sass, and Niecy is a revelation. Niecy flips out. Aw, she's so happy! Bruno says something about Niecy being like a strawberry milkshake. Sure, why not? Carrie Ann says it's spectacular in a wonderful way. I guess that's better than being spectacular in a terrible way. She's gonna need more, though, it's a tough season.

Commercials! Speaking of spectacular in a terrible way, wacky inseminated hijinks with JLo! She pukes. I'm close behind.

You know what's funny when you're overmedicated? EVERYTHING. I'm floating on a cloud of Bruno's strawberry milkshakes. What? I don't know.

Scores! Carrie Ann: 7, Len 7, Bruno 7. WOW, that's lower than I thought. Niecy is happy. Dancing was a dream deferred. Suck it, 8th grade dance class! AMG, VOTE!

Jakey and Chelsie are up. Last week Carrie Ann was captivated, Len and Bruno not so much. Jakey's terrified of the jive. Oh my god, they show rehearsal and he's AWFUL. He wails that he feels stupid and he's laughing so he doesn't cry. He falls, over and over. Chelsie doesn't care. Jakey whines. Chelsie still doesn't care. This should be good.

They go! Chelsie moons us. They do the dip and no one falls, which proves they improved since the rehearsal footage, cause they biffed every time from what we were shown. It's hip to be square, the band "sings." As always, the band is utterly murdering the song. Jakey and Chelsie pull it off! Yay! 

What say you, judges? Bruno: Jake wants this really badly. His energy is great,but he has to work on technique. Carrie Ann loved it, something about a lift? They did a lift. That's bad. O..kay? Make a note of that, guys. Lifts are bad. Len says it's a tough dance, and they were a bit heavy on their feet. He hopes Jakey isn't the one to go. I think Len has a crush on our Jake. 

Let's hear it for the band! BOO!!!!! I mean, WOO!!!!! Over to Brooke, who asks what is the key to learning? Trust your partner. ALWAYS trust your partner, even when they do a lift, which is apparently grounds for punishment. Chelsie says that they love each other, they just fight like brother and sister. Carrie Ann: 6, Len 7, Bruno 7. Wow, Carrie Ann was pissed about that lift, WHATEVER THAT MEANS HAHAHAA. My lips are numb.

Commercials! Prunes! For when the yogurt isn't enough! Wow, DWTS is RILLY concerned about our bathroom habits. 

Last week Buzz and Ashly cha cha'ed, but bravery means nothing when you're arthritising all over the place. Buzz is on to the foxtrot. Ashly draws a map of the steps which is helpful to Buzz. His wife stops by and OH MY GOD HER FACE. THE HORROR. You guys, this woman has had some serious work done, and it's ALL BAD. Buzz, bless him, interviews that he's used to hard work! No lollygagging! Dagnabbit! Get those kids off Buzz's lawn!

Here we go. Please, gods of dance, don't let this be too awful. Buzz is...walking through the steps. Seriously, he just walks around and Ashly dances around him. But he doesn't break any bones, so we're happy. Bergeron calls it "charming" I call it "cheating" but he's old, so we don't care! 

Carrie Ann says it's tender, charming, emotional, but trepidatious, was Buzz scared of stepping on Ashly? Len won't criticize Buzz. He refuses to judge a hero. This is getting ridic. Bruno: Okay, seriously? I have no idea, something about straight lines and the man in the moon? I can't understand him when I'm NOT hopped up on goofballs. We thankfully go over to Brooke. Does Buzz show his wife the "dance moves" haha? He's going to show her later, wink wink. Ew, old people sex jokes. Carrie Ann: 4, Len 4, Bruno 4. The audience boos. Ashly says they had fun, so that's all that matters. Vote or you hate astronauts and America. 

We go directly to Nicole and Eyebrow dude. I mean Derek. They kicked ass last week. But!!! There is a fly in their dancing ointment! They have to change everything because of the PRODUCERS' song choice. Gotta be modern. Nicole is worried that Len will criticize her for being too skanky. She's scared of him. They have to change the dance cause of the producers' song choice? Well that sucks. I bet they wouldn't do anything like that to the weaker dancers. Don't make me defend a Pussycat Doll, producers! 

Commercials! Everything is covered in germs, so use Clorox wipes or you'll get a hideous disease. 

We're back with Nicole and Eyebrows! theyre super good. Like, worlds beyond anyone else. THAT'S why the producers blantantly mixed it up. Judges? Len: Ambivelent. It was too sassy. Ah, just as Nicole predicted! He says the traditional part was good, though. So make another note, Len doesn't like anything to be too modern.  Bruno SCREAMS that EEET WAS FEE-NOMINAL! Aw, Nicole's about to cry. Carrie Ann? It. Was. Perfection. She bows to them. Seriously, it was fantastic. Over to Brooke for some useless chatter. Scores! Carrie Ann 10, Len 8, Bruno 10! First 10s of the season, hot damn! You still need to vote, dammit, so don't rest on your laurels, whatever that means. I am so dizzy.

Commercials! Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married Too, because one wasn't nearly enough, AM I RIGHT? 

Last week, Erin and Max were "funky monkeys" and gave great cha cha. The Foxtrot is magical. Erin can't be a tomboy this week, she has to be a pretty pretty princess! They argue. It's hard work being a magical princess, dammit! How can Max help? She screams and yells, but it doesn't seem serious. She's frustrated, but still joking around. They are totally hooking up. 

Dancie! Dear god, they're dancing to a fake Taylor Swift. Because real Taylor Swift isn't painful enough?They do pretty well, there's this weird walking thing at the end - did they mess up? I'm so confused. Whoa! Wardrobe malfunction! That's unfortunate, given Erin's history with nudity and cameras. We don't see anything, though. I still can't get over how they made a Taylor Swift song EVEN WORSE. Off to the judges.

Bruno: duck to water? Dack? Deck to water? Friggin whatever, finish your movements. Bergeron mercifully cuts him off.  Carrie Ann: Beautiful. Good flexibility, don't cling SO hard to him. There's a sex joke I miss. She couldn't find his muscle. She means bicep! They are so doing it. Len: Movement was good, footwork wasn't clever enough, Erin needs to trust Max. In fact, everyone needs to trust their pros more. Good advice, Len. If I had a pro trying to teach me how to dance, I'd just hop on his back and let him tote me around while he danced. Screw learning, man. If I wanted to learn, I'd go to school. What am I TALKING about?

Commercials! There's a sale at PetSmart. Wait, where are my pets? Ah, who cares. If I get up, I will fall down, it is certain. I'll just lay here on this comfy couch as visions of medications dance with the stars in my head. 

Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, Bruno 8. Max has lovely biceps. Erin's funny, y'all. She says Max didn't eat for two days because they were in a fight, ha! Max makes sad face. They. Are. Having. Intercourse.

Last week Pam Anderson was a slutty slut and made everyone talk about sex. The foxtrot? Less sex. More grace. More old Hollywood. Let's channel Marilyn Monroe.Beeeee-cause that isn't about sex at ALL. She feels good. She's very receptive. Pammy's happy! Getting the steps will be a bonus to her happiness. 

Dance, monkeys! They make it very Marilyn. They're a bit clunky, but Damien leads and she follows very nicely See? Trust your pro! I wonder if it's harder when the leader is the "star." I bet it is. 

Bergeron: Bad Kennedy joke is BAD. I'm not going to repeat it.

Carrie Ann: You brought Marilyn. Just work on keeping your shoulders from being too tense. Len: What? Did he just say tittyfacing? Live teevee! Work on your posture. Get your chest out of his face. Whoa!  Bruno says it was delicious. He can feel the waves of sensuality, and the dancing was good too. Seriously, that's what (I think) he says. This live television stuff is out of control, man. Are the judges as high as I am?

Okay, so they've been shilling this trailer for the new Tom Cruise/Cam Diaz movie the WHOLE show. Here's the recap. Tom Cruise is crazy, and so is his character. Lots of explosions. That overplayed Muse song. It's called Knight and Day. That's all I'm saying about it. Happy, crazy Tom Cruise? 

Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, Bruno 8. Over at Brooke they make more sex jokes. I wonder if Pam Anderson is a very sad person in her heart. 

Chad, who they call "Ocho" but I will not, and Cheryl are next. Last week he was a diamond in the rough. This week he's infuriating Cheryl. The foxtrot is graceful and Chad is not. Chad wants to flirt, not dance. Cheryl giggles. PLEASE stop sticking your butt out, Chad, she begs him. Will their romance blossom? Who can tell!!?!?!? Chad is very confident in both the romance and the dance departments.

Dancing. Something is off or weird. Yeah, Chad doesn't do "graceful" very well. Remember when I said some of the couples make the foxtrot look easy? Chad doesn't. Awkward doesn't begin to describe it.

Len:It was terrible, he's glad it's over. Bruno says they look uncomfortable, and probably something else. Carrie Ann: Chad has potential, but he's thinking too much. He's got to let dancing be natural, like football. Brooke: were you enjoying yourselves? Whoa, no smiling from Chad now. He gives the locker room interview voice that they'll do better. Scores: Carrie Ann: 6, Len 5, Bruno 5. How do they feel? They'll be back. That's the spirit!

In the last spot is Kate Gosselin, doing the jive. In rehearsal, Kate is awful. She whines. They fight. She's telling him how to teach her to dance. Wow, she's as bossy as she is with the kids and Jon. I'm still not defending Ed Hardy Boy, and you cannot make me. Tony's never been questioned on his teaching before. Kate sulks on the bleachers. He quits. Whoa, Tony walks out! Kate's crying! AMG WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!?!?!

Commercials are gonna happen, you bet your sweet bippy they are. Cottonelle toilet paper. There is a serious theme going on with these commercials. Yogurt, prunes, Tom Cruise, toilet paper...what are they trying to say this show is full of? 

My cats are here. Hey everybody, my cats are here! They know I'm high as a kite, YEAH they do. They're looking at me all "beesh be crazy." You ain't just whistling dixie, cats. 

We're back! Is Kate gonna dance? Tony admis that he had a weak moment. He returns to rehearsal and apologizes. Kate knows she can be frustrating. They're shaking it off. 

Jive, you crazy kids! It's VERY stiff. Kate is grimacing she's smiling so hard. 

Bruno: Nightmare! Darlink, you are like Stepford Wife. Dance is a performing art! Sell it! He makes an joke about dancing the foxtrot with Elton John. Dear lord, whatever. Come on, Carrie Ann, let's finish this thing, I am SO tired. Kate made it through the whole thing, and that's good. Len: Nerves broke her. Come out and go for it, you're going to lose, like OBVIOUSLY, so go out fighting. 

Tomorrow night! Winners! Losers! Result Show with the Beach Boys and JOHN STAMOS, SQUEE!

Brooke encourages them. Kate is seeeeeeething. Carrie Ann: 5, Len: 5, Bruno: 5. What did they learn about each other? That they won't quit on each other. Kate is pissed, y'all.

Recap of performances. Okay guys, this is how it's gonna go. Tomorrow for the results show with JOHN STAMOS  EEEEEEEEEEEEE! we'll have an open thread at Sparklemotion, aight? So join us there!

The ballroom and Latin dances are ovah, Nicole is at the top, Buzz is at the bottom and it's YOUR CHOICE, so you need to vote. Tomorrow night! 8 pm ET!  The Beach Boys and John Stamos! I won't be high! Open thread at Sparklemotion! BE THERE!!!!!


. . . . .
Miss Banshee reminds you all to say NO to drugs.







« On Sexiness, "It" and Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive Competition: Helen Mirren v. Megan Fox | Pop Culture Main | Photo in Search of a Caption: Lisa Rinna and...Friend »




Comments

Fawn Amber

"My cats are here. Hey everybody, my cats are here! They know I'm high as a kite, YEAH they do. They're looking at me all "beesh be crazy." You ain't just whistling dixie, cats. "

OMFG. You are trying to get me fired, yes?

Awesome recap, as usual. Kate's face was just comical and she was soooo stiff. I still love Derek. That's all I've got.

Meg

Best. Recap. EVAH!

Txtingmrdarcy

A: Please to make a teeshirt that says "Yogurt: Eat it with yo mamma!"

B: I was (un)lucky enough to catch the original "Clash of the Titans" on TMC this weekend... I think the world really really REALLY needs a MamaPop(Miss Banshee!) recap of that before the new version is released. There are boobs in the first 10 minutes. And Harry Hamlin is naked THE WHOLE TIME. Seriously.

tonya

"I just don't get it. I just don't get it". Well Kate, neither do I. Why you're on this show, why you think you'll do well, or more importantly, why you think you can treat people the way you do. I just don't get it.

Excellent recap! Beesh is crazy indeed!

Goddess in Progress

I'm so glad I read your recap instead of wasting my time watching the actual show. Your version is WAY more fun. See if you can save some of those meds for next week, 'k? I may have some leftover Percoset from the c-section if you run out.

Kidding.

Sorta.

angela

Lift=no feet on the ground. Makes Carrie VERY cranky, she takes a point off immediately. Until final round, when no feet on the ground=absolutely allowed. I don't understand the big deal.

I only made it to Max and Erin last night. Appreciate your recap for the final dancers.

Tita B

This season seems particularly whiney. We don't need the producers to hype up the drama any further. I realize that it's liiiiive & it's hard to think quick & be witty, on your feet, but Brooke's interviewing skills are terrible. Funniest line I read on Twitter, in ref to Kate's crying about her partner's quitting: "Kate can't keep a husband or partner. Bitch, it's YOU!"

kate

awesome. simply awesome.

Angie

Funniest recap ever! Thanks for the laughs!

btw, the judges scores count for half the total score, while the viewer votes count for the other half, in determining who is eliminated.

JenGid

Yogurt companies across America are doing the palm to head smack and saying "WHY couldn't we come up with that shit??!!"

carolyn

Seriously howled through that whole thing. Best recap ever!!




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