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I Can Has Psychic Powers That Foretell Death

OscarSo Grey's Anatomy wasn't on, forcing me to explore the vast reaches of popular culture for writing fodder and, of course, I found a cat who predicts death.

I know the internet thrives on funny cats. Ha ha ha. Cats. But this cat, Oscar, is no laughing matter. If he snuggles you, you're fucked. I don't even like looking at his picture.

Oscar 2 "Hello. You're going to die. Meowww."

Well, you've still got a couple hours. Finish this article and hug your loved ones.You got your will straight? I'm sorry you're going to die. Readers are like brothers and sisters to me. Dying blows.

No really. This cat. He's the medium-haired grim reaper. There's this book about him called Making Rounds With Oscar: The Extraordinary Gift Of An Ordinary Cat, so of course I'm not going to read it with a stupid title like that. I mean THE CAT IS THE ANGEL OF DEATH. Let's not call him "ordinary" in the title

So what am I talking about? Oscar, who is described by those who know him as "aloof", lives in a nursing home. For the most part, he's just, you know, cattish. He struts around, pokes his head in doors, sniffs a little, looks at patients, but he doesn't hang with anybody. He's a loner. You know how it is. Most cats are dicks who think they're better than everybody else. I hate cats. My kids suckered me into getting two cats and they're completely worthless. Oh man I'm digressing. I'm letting my hatred for cats dominate the substance of my articles. See? Cats are fucking up my article. Cats blow.

Anyway, on rare occasions, Oscar sets aside his bullshit ego and hops in a patient's bed to snuggle. Aw. Nice. Snuggle snuggle purr, right? And then guess what? The people die. Within hours. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Oscar nailed 50 death calls in 5 years. This cat is so money that when he hops in bed with someone, the staff calls the patient's family to get to the nursing home STAT. And check this out. If someone's about to die and their door is closed, Oscar flips out, scratching on the door to get inside and rock his death snuggle.

So what's up with this cat? I mean besides the fact that he's freaky and should be killed with a silver bullet. Dr. David Dosa, the author of the book, thinks that maybe Oscar is just imitating the nurses who raised him (which makes no sense unless the nurses were snuggling patients to death and if they were, they should be fired and lose their licenses) or - get this- Dr. Dosa thinks that Oscar might smell odors given off by dying cells. Because nothing says "Let's Snuggle" like a whiff of dying cells. But what do you expect from the dude who calls Oscar "ordinary" in the title of the book (yeah, the "ordinary cat" who SEES THE FUTURE). Plus there's this:

Oscar and crazy doctor

There he is. Dr. Dosa. Now can anybody tell me why he's posing for pictures with that fucked up cat? There's not even a foot between them. He's just one snuggle away. 

Anyway, my point is that Dr. Dosa doesn't strike me as a very bright bulb. I highly doubt that Oscar smells dead cells or learned his skills from nurses. This is clearly a case of black magic and the cat should be destroyed.

The only way to solve the problem of death is by killing the satanic cat. Total no brainer.

In addition to predicting when people will die, Oscar has a white belly, he takes a lot of naps, and he loves being scratched on the chin. Read more about him in Making Rounds With Oscar: The Extraordinary Gift Of An Ordinary Cat (dumb) by Dr. David Dosa.


. . . . .
BHJ believes in the death penalty for cats who kill people. He doesn't like dogs either.






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Comments

Alyssa

K, so "House" totally did an episode based around this cat (although when I saw it I did not know the cat actually existed, and I remember thinking "so glad there is no such cat" gah.) and House's conclusion was that the people dying in the nursing home were actually passing around some kind of infection or something which caused their temperature to rise right before death. And cats like snuggling with hot stuff.

Yeah, it's not the same. It does not solve the real life mystery of Oscar. But you've totally freaked me out by negating House's comforting solution to the psychic cat problem. Thanks.

JellyBean

LMAO. Great post. I love cats, but Oscar's eyes creep me out. It's like he's peering into the future or something.

mouthy_broad

maybe he is a grim reaper just like in dead like me. needs to touch them to release their souls or something.

lori

Totally validates my "i hate cats" stance. Thank you for the public service you do.

louise

Gee, where were all you guys when Oscar's story originally hit the news in 2007? See what you miss when you're not paying attention to cat-related news? I'd go with the grim reaper from Dead Like Me theory, myself.




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