pop culture gossip community about contact archives subscribe advertise fine print bmc

« Anthropomorphic Animals Abound: Our Favorite Animated Films | Pop Culture Main | Bryan Ferry: Creepy or Lucky? »

Jesse James Makes Citizen's Arrest While Being Arrested By Citizen He Was Arresting

Jesse James

When I wrote my post about Jesse James' 2nd and 3rd mistresses the other night, I made a promise to myself I wouldn't write anything more about Jesse James. But when I found out he tried to arrest a photographer yesterday outside of West Coast Choppers, I had to sit myself down and have a long talk with myself about making promises I couldn't keep and not believing everything I tell myself. I can't believe I both lied to myself and believed myself again. I'm such a gullible liar.


Ok, quick recap, it's been a blur. We first learned that Jesse James cheated on Sandra Bullock with a mobile art gallery named "Bombshell" who named him "Vanilla Gorilla" due to his large johnson. 

1vanilla gorilla

James would then apologize to Bullock in People magazine, we would all say in unison, "whatever, skeev-wagon" and then the Tiger Woods-like parade of painted ladies would march out of their holes.

In Tiger's case, we were shocked to hear of the first, then second, and finally would become numb at number 47 or something. But with James, all it took was one indiscretion for us to say, "Ehhh... figures. Poor Sandy." The ensuing parade of women is as surprising as not seeing the Vanilla Gorilla's musical counterpart (Vanilla Ice) currently topping the Billboard charts.

My point is, the women will continue to climb out of the woodwork and the shock value is completely over, as is my interest in his love-life. However, when I heard Jesse tried to make a citizen's arrest yesterday, I had no choice but to write about it because...


(Sorry. It was important for me to get that out of my system in the interest of professionalism and shit.)

For some odd reason, a photographer was spotted outside West Coast Choppers yesterday afternoon. That part's still a mystery to everyone, but many suspect he was trying to capture a photograph, perhaps even of James himself.

The details are fuzzy at this point, but it seems the photographer would call the police to report James was vandalizing his car. (Probably smashing it with his penis.)

Police would arrive on the scene to find James and the photographer placing each other under citizen's arrest. This can only be described as the best thing that has happened to me this week.

Officer Jesse: You're under arrest!

Officer Photographer: No, you're under arrest!

Officer Jesse: I am the law! Don't make me crush you with my penis! Ooo ooo ahh ahhh ahhh!! (scratches armpits)

This is probably exactly how it went.

Jesse James arrested

 (Photo of James showing off his "citizen handcuffs of people justice")

James would tell officers the photographer was stalking him, much like a celebrity photographer, mailman or your co-workers might do.

The police would take neither man into custody, and why would they need to? Each man was already under arrest, seems to me it would have been a little redundant, maybe even cancel out the citizen's arrest, kind of like a double negative. I'm not sure how the law works, but that's probably why.

While neither man was arrested by actual police, they say they're still investigating what happened. I suspect some of my theories will help them piece together the details. I have to figure out everything for everyone all of the time.


(If you have difficulty leaving a comment on any of our posts today, hit "preview" before you post and that should solve the issue.)


MayoPie writes nonsense all of the time on his blog.

« Anthropomorphic Animals Abound: Our Favorite Animated Films | Pop Culture Main | Bryan Ferry: Creepy or Lucky? »


Jen O.

Vanilla gorillas are cute. The one up there that is smiling sheepishly at me and scrunching up his shoulders like he knows he's cute. Not the ones that cheat on their beautiful wives with hoards of disgusting neo-nazi strippers.

"Skeev-wagon." Classic.


I hope it doesn't cause you undue pain to continue to keep us updated on all things Jesse Jamesian because this is the funniest thing I've read all week. It's all about me, clearly.


Oh, and it's about my amusement too! Keep 'um coming. And that ACTUAL blond gorilla is super cute.

Fawn Amber

"The details are fuzzy at this point, but it seems the photographer would call the police to report James was vandalizing his car. (Probably smashing it with his penis.)"

Sigh. I heart you.


I would like to dip Jesse James into a vat of banana pudding and throw him on with that blonde gorilla.


"Citizen handcuffs of people justice" is perfection.


You know what is funny about a citizens' arrest? In most states you then have to prosecute yourself. I totally want to see Jesse James act as a prosecutor.


Poor Jessie..... just another star victum, right? Sandra should have known better... pretty damn sure she had to know his is a "bad boy"!

Mrs. Q.

Oh, please, please stop. I keep picturing gorillas with giant penises.

suzi o

I would have loved to have been a fly on the photographer's camera when all this happened.
If it was as funny as you have written it, it
would be worth being a fly for the day. Made
me lol. Very entertaining!

Amanda B

Totally misread the line "marching out their holes" - think I need a cup of coffee and brain bleach. Yuck.

The comments to this entry are closed.

Read the Comments Policy »

« Anthropomorphic Animals Abound: Our Favorite Animated Films | Main | Bryan Ferry: Creepy or Lucky? »

Blog Widget by LinkWithin