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Keanu Reeves Is Not A Good Actor And I Can't Stop Watching His Movies

Kea1keanurnu Reeves will be one of many stars presenting on Oscar night. I'm not sure why. My sister has a theory that he sold his soul to the devil and in return, claimed all the roles that Brendan Fraser was supposed to have. I find that a bit far fetched. I'm not sure I believe all this devil deal-making stuff, but I'd bet you ten dollars he's a Jedi Knight.


I don't know what it is. I'm transfixed. His acting is horrible and I love it. Even in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Parenthood (one of my favorites). Sure, he plays a moron and that helps, but still, not good.

1BillandTed


Then there was Point Break. Keanu played an undercover FBI agent infiltrating a band of bank-robbing surfers led by the smallest country bad-ass ever and my hero, Patrick Swayze (RIP, Patrick. You were the best cooler in the business.) And all I can think while I write this is how stupid that plot sounds and how great of a movie it was. He was terrible and I've worn out the DVD. I'll give him this: He was better in this movie than most of his flicks. I think because he was playing an FBI agent playing a surfer. It confused him just enough to pull it off nicely. He seems to excel when playing confused or really dumb. I'll give him credit where it's due.


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The Matrix Trilogy: He almost pulled it off in the first one, but I'm going to give this one to "confusion" again. As soon as he figured out he was a battery fueling the machine world, he went back to sucking. And  when he actually accepted he was "the one," then I could hardly watch each of the installments a minimum of 24 times. I even wrote a post about how I wanted to be a battery.You don't have to hook me up to The Matrix. I'll just chill-out naked in my goo pod all day and watch robots fly around. "Hey, you, can I get a coke over here? Also, my goo is getting a little chilly. Can you hit the thermostat? I can't reach it." I hope that's what Heaven is like.

The Devil's Advocate. Wow. A movie in which he actually sells his soul to the devil, somewhat supporting my sister's theory. In this film, Keanu showed us his southern accent. Or something. Brad Pitt did a better southern accent in Troy. (By the way, why did everyone in ancient Troy have an English accent except for Brad Pitt? We'll tackle that another time.) Anyway, it's been awhile since I've seen either of these so I'm looking for them right now on my On Demand Menu.  

It's a sickness. Sure, I've listed some great movies. For many, great movies and good supporting actors can often offset the work of one bad actor, but that's what's funny about this. Normally, one bad actor would ruin it for me. Yet with Keanu, it's almost as if his bad acting doesn't exist. It doesn't bother me at all and I wouldn't accept it from anyone else, especially at his level. I'm telling you. It's a Jedi Mind Trick.


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Case in point:

Johnny Mnemonic: Keanu plays a data transporter who stores information in his computer brain. Ice T was in it. Dolph Lundgren, too. Dolph played a preacher who killed people with his implanted robot strength. A cybernetic dolphin leads the rebellion against the evil corporation giving everyone the new plague. Recap: Robot Dolph vs. Robot Dolphin. Worst movie I've ever seen fifty times.

The Replacements: He was so, so bad in this and it wasn't even a good movie. It was so far from football realistic that it was almost unwatchable for the football purist and movie-goer alike. It was campy, formulaic and on the other night so I recorded it. I'm going to watch it after The Matrix marathon is over.

Constantine: This was his all time worst. In Constantine, he played a tough-as-nails, street-cop-ish exorcist assigned by God to send demons back to Hell. It was maybe his largest departure and in my opinion, his most epic failure as an actor. I'm pretty sure my brain explodes every time I watch it, which is usually on Tuesday movie night.

The Lake House: No. 

I don't know what it is, but it's not only me. It's happening to everyone. Keanu is presenting at the Oscars. His peers even think he can act while knowing he can't. Jedi trickery. He uses it for his band, too. "We're making good music. Your ears aren't bleeding. That's happy juice your ears make from happy noise."

I'm not sure exactly what's going on here, but one thing is for sure: On Oscar night, I'll be painfully watching him awkwardly make it through his lines and enjoying every second of it.


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Comments

Apryl's Antics

I have a wooden spoon that does a better job at acting than Keanu. If my wooden spoon signed a pact with the devil, it would have his job.

TwoBusy

It never occurred to me before now just how much joy Keanu brings to my life. Hell, from a cumulative standpoint, I've spent entire weeks of my life watching Johnny Mnemonic, The Replacements and Constantine alone - AND LOVED EVERY MINUTE - and that's before we even get to his truly high-profile stuff.

And let us NOT forget the wonder and glory of Keanu attempting a British accent in Coppola's Dracula. Ye olde Valley dude, fighting vampires and shit. If that's not the definition of bad = awesome, I don't know what is.

Melinda

You forgot Much Ado About Nothing, where he single handedly destroyed Shakespeare.

Jessi

Oh, how I love you for putting into words what I have so often failed to articulate. Keanu Reeves=terrible actor. Constantine=awful movie. I have watched it three times this week. It's a disease. A horrible disease that leads to me loving Shia LeBuffy and Tilda Swinton more than I should.

mouthy_broad

he is so terrible. yet nearly all his movies are blockbusters. i am going with your sister on this-must be a devil pact. (esp the part where he took all brendan frasier's parts!!)

DianaCLT

Keanu not having an English accent when everyone else did = exact same thing as Kevin Costner in Robin Hood.

MayoPie

@Diana
Totally agree. He really sucked in that.

mrschaos

I watched the end of Bill & Ted the other day. COULD NOT STOP WATCHING even though I knew that I should. I was slightly ashamed and confused by this.

Oh well. Be excellent to each other...

Clarabella

My friend & I used to have code-phrases for how unfortunate movies were. Our designation for worst was "I've seen many. strange. things already." in a bad Shatnerish-British accent, which is the single worst line Keanu utters in Bram Stoker's Dracula.
WHAT was Coppola smoking when he cast that movie/

rkmama

Speed.

Worst movie ever.

I've watched it no less than 7,945 times.

Someone help.

Beverly

He is so terrible but I do love him. Something you should look into regarding his deal with the devil: he always, ALWAYS, runs in his movies. Every single one, even in Lakehouse he has to run/jog somewhere. And he is good at it. Weird.

Beverly

He is so terrible but I do love him. Something you should look into regarding his deal with the devil: he always, ALWAYS, runs in his movies. Every single one, even in Lakehouse he has to run/jog somewhere. And he is good at it. Weird.

MayoPie

I can't believe I forgot about Speed. Someone should get to punch me in the arm. Speed was great and he was awful in it.

Palinode

I will never forget how he managed to take down Dracula.

Washington Cube

I love his stupidity, too. My personal fav? His role in Parenthood.

Leandra

Ah, Melinda beat me to it. In fact, I was just wondering the other day WHO thought it was a good idea to cast Keanu Reeves in Shakespeare with Kenneth Branagh adn Emma Thompson -- the King and Queen of Shakespeare! I actually cringe when he's on screen because he's so bad.

Keli

How can someone be so terrible and so great at once?

I know every god damn word to Bill & Ted, Speed and Point Break. But, to this day, he has my heart for the best line ever in the history of the world. From Parenthood:

"You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father."

Karen

It has to have somethig to do with the blue pill in the Matrix. That or it's just because he's Canadian- because Americans seem to find us all irresistably adorable - Canadian-ness cancels out the annoying somehow? Cases in point: Shatner, Dion, Jim Carey... Reeves. Wait, this is making Canada look talentless. Must shut up now. And apologize.

Eliza

Just today I described my dog as "the Keanu of dachshunds." Not too bright.

Amalah

Other people have beaten me to it, but SHAKESPEARE. With BRANAUGH and THOMPSON. That doesn't happen outside of devil-deals, I tell you.

I too have watched The Matrix and Speed multiple thousands of times. I hate them both. I can't decide which DVD to put on right now.

Kimm

A Walk in the Clouds- I love that movie, and Point Break. Also forgot the one where he makes nuclear fusion with a bubbling water machine thingy? Anyway, how genius was that.

mikw

what, no love for dangerous liaisons? he plays basically a surfer moron in period duds and, as usual, is brilliant at being a moron. my favorite line: when asked what he thought of some opera or whatever "it was sublime, don't you find?"

Béla Géza

Must be a pact with devil.He actually doesn't getting old!!!

Tia Tate

Part of his appeal is his look and a mysterious persona that comes out in his acting.

I watched The Matrix fight scene - I know Kung Fu - so many times the DVD starting skipping.

He is not the best actor, but he is easy to look at.

sildenafil

one of my favorite characters throughout history and mystery surrounding this mythical character, different stages and his dark looks and whether and how he lives that fill much of interest.




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