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LOMGST! Lost Recap - Recon

Lost-recon-sawyer_gunPREVIOUSLY ON LOST: Okay, so this is weird. This here episode didn't start with the usual "Previously on LOST" bit, and I can't recall when, if ever, that's happened before, but I'm just going to roll with it, because with a mere 9 episodes remaining until the finale, apparently the producers are all, Fuck all y'all if you don't know what's going on at this point... WHEE!!! Do you want to go faster? RAISE YOUR HANDS IF YOU WANT TO GO FASTER! And really, who am I to question their masochism wisdom? BOOM!

Sawyer's roughing it campfire-cowboy-style in the jungle with Jin, who has been languishing in semi-to-full unconsciousness in a makeshift tent nearby, one supposes because he recently almost had his leg chomped clean off by a bear trap. Yeah, that'll do it. Sawyer goes to the tent to bring Jin a cup of nice warm campfire-teakettle-made something-or-other, and Jin bolts to consciousness, immediately inquiring as to the whereabouts of Faux Locke and Creepy Claire. When Sawyer tells him they've popped out to a nearby Starbucks for a latte (such is the weak, piss-poor quality of Sawyer's something-or-other-coffee-like-liquid) and won't be back until sun-up, Jin's all Let's scram with the pick-a-nick basket, Boo-Boo! Yikes and awaaaay! But Sawyer tells Jin no, he's with Locke, so he's sticking around. Jin preceptively points out that, Uhh, dude? That ain't Locke. Just like that "coffee" of yours ain't coffee. At best, that guy is a Locke-like entity. And at best, your coffee is like crap. And that's being generous. Sawyer acknowledges the Faux-ness of Faux Locke, but tells Jin he thinks Faux Locke is going to get him -- uhh, he means THEM, yeah! As in not-just-him, THEM! -- off the island. Hell, he even promises Jin that they'll stick around until he finds Sun so they can all depart for Super Happy Fun Continentland together! Because they're, like, all in this, umm, together. And stuff. Right, Sawyer? Sawyer?

Lost-Recon-Kate-Locke-sayid  Just then some jungle-brush rustling heralds the return of Faux Locke & Co., with Evil Zombie Sayid, Creepy Claire, and (TA-DA!) introducing Bewildered Kate! Kate and Sawyer acknowledge one another in a manner that all but says, Yes, we once furiously bumped uglies while being held captive in a polar bear cage in the jungle by people dressed entirely in burlap and rope, but man, shit is SERIOUSLY fucked up now, and your once-engaging attractiveness is no longer relevant. Try making a decent cup of coffee sometime and maybe then we'll talk.

Speaking of bumping uglies, over in Dimension #2 (D2) Sawyer's just getting done with a rousing session of the same -- apparently of the cheap, sordid-motel-room variety -- with a saucy redhead I recall from some other Sawyer-related flashback episode involving his con-man past. The redhead reminds Sawyer that he's going to be late for his meeting with "that guy" if he doesn't get a-rollin', so Sawyer jumps out of bed, throws on clothes, grabs his briefcase, and... giant wads of money spill from the briefcase onto the bed. I seem to remember this as being part of one of Sawyer's tried-and-true scams, and apparently the redhead recognizes it as well, because she pulls a gun on him. Red says she knows a scam when she sees one, being married herself to a con artist, and how dumb does he think she is? Sawyer tells her she's sub-moronic, because see, he's a cop and this is a sting operation, and ooooooh you're in trouble now, lady! Red isn't buying this line (and neither was I, honestly), but Sawyer warns her to put the gun down or he'll say the magic word and VOILA! Exploding bouquets and glitter! Uhh, no, actually, a bunch of cops will break down the door and cart her off to jail. Red calls his bluff, and in response he says, "Le Fleur." Just then, SURPRISE! Cops DO in fact bust down the door, one of them being Sawyer's partner, my main man Miles, who admonishes Sawyer for cutting things close and tosses him his badge. SAWYER IS A COP IN DIMENSION 2 OMG WTF BBQ!!1!?!?!?!!

Back on the island, Creepy Claire is tending her disgusting mutant squirrel baby, much to Kate's horror. Asked what "that" is, Creepy Claire gets all glassy-eyed and mutters, "It's all I had." I don't know whether to feel bad for Claire or light her filthy, matted, straw-like mane on fire and run screaming into the ocean. It's quite the dilemma, really.

Faux Locke gathers his zombie smoke monster army followers together and gets all speech-y about how he knows they have a lot of questions (duh), and he'll make himself available to answer them (yeah right), but they have to keep moving. A former Other-Hun asks what happened to the other Other-Huns at the Temple. Faux Locke tells her, The black smoke killed them. Meaning me. I killed them. Have I mentioned I'm pure, unadulterated evil yet? Oh, oopsie! Around this time Sawyer and Kate have a solemn exchange about which of the Losties are alive, which are dead, and which are possessed by pure unadulterated evil. Sawyer asks in particular about Miles -- funny, it's like he knows Miles was/is his D2 partner... or maybe, like, me, he just thinks Miles is fucking RAD -- and tells Kate, confidential-like, that he's not REALLY with Faux Locke. He's all, Remember, I'm the wholly self-interested, people-user, Kate! I only pretend to have integrity and allegiances. Err... what I meant to say was.... ahh, goddammit! FUCK!

In D2, Sawyer (Lt. James Ford!) is at police HQ in LA, cold-calling random dudes from his desk that he thinks might be the real Sawyer, AKA the guy he blames for his parents' murder-suicide. Miles approaches and Sawyer quickly pulls the old switcheroo and pretends to be filing his nails. With the phone. Or something. Miles senses something is amiss, and asks Sawyer is he's lying about that trip he took last week to Florida. Australia, Florida. Ooooh, it's a small town, you probably never heard of it... Sawyer dismisses Miles' sixth sense (ha! geddit?) as hooey, but looks like he's dying inside, being SMOTHERED BY THE PUTRID STINK OF HIS OWN LIES! Or maybe that's just Old Spice. Whatever. IT BURNS.

After tromping through the jungle for what seems like an eternity, Faux Locke & Co. settle on a campsite, which Faux Locke off-handedly notes may be where they rest for a couple of days. Sawyer about blows a gasket about this "couple of days" crap, because Daddy, you promised you'd get me off the island, waaah! Locke quickly ushers whiney and petulant Sawyer away and gives him a little talking to -- a talking to that involves the best freaking moment of the entire episode. Ready? Okay! So. Sawyer asks Faux Locke how he knew to rescue everyone at the Temple from "that smoke thing." Faux Locke replies, calmly, that he didn't save them. Then he pauses, turns to Sawyer and says, completely deadpan: "I'm the smoke thing."

I think I may have actually shrieked in joy/amazement at that moment. SO FREAKING AWESOME. Friends, that right there was the smoke monster equivalent of putting your dick on the table. God I love this show.

ANYWAY, Faux Locke then leads Sawyer to the beach, where there's a boat, aaaand long story short he wants Sawyer to go over to the adjacent Hydra island and do some recon for him (it?), because there's a plane over there and if Sawyer wanna go bye-bye, Sawyer best get steppin' for the smoke monster, yo.

Lost-recon-sawyer-charlotte-bar  Back in D2, Miles has set Sawyer up on a date with a certain special redheaded archaeologist... who turns out to be none other than Charlotte! Yes, THAT Charlotte! At dinner Charlotte and Sawyer engage in some lively banter, and then promptly land in the sack at Sawyer's pad. (It's kind of Sawyer's thing, you know. Don't you judge him!) Charlotte makes the grave mistake of rummaging through one of Sawyer's dresser drawers in a post-coital alone-time moment, and is caught holding Sawyer's Three Ring Binder Of Despair, which is basically a scrapbook formally dedicated to the sentiment: I'M GOING TO TRACK DOWN THE SCUMBAG RESPONSIBLE FOR MY PARENTS' DEATH AND... well... SOMETHING BAD, BY GOD. He tells Charlotte to get the hell out and she does, wearing a big green sheet. TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

Over on Hydra island, Sawyer's airplane recon mission hits a snag. A snag shaped like a giant pile of putrifying corpses comprised of said plane's former passengers. Sawyer then runs into a woman who claims to be the sole survivor of the flight, but wow, she asks a lot of questions about how many guns Sawyer and his people have, and if, like, he's good with his fists and stuff... or likes movies about gladiators. You know -- creepy, suspicion-raising shit. I think we all know where this is going. Underwater. With a periscope. 

About this time Kate and Sayid have a special moment together over at Camp Faux Locke, talking and sharing and braiding each other's hair. 

Kate: Do you believe Faux Locke can get us off the island, Sayid?

Zombie Sayid: YESSSSS MAAAASSTER.

Kate: Are... are you okay?

Zombie Sayid: You're fucking kidding me, right? Do I LOOK okay to you? Or do I look like someone who's maybe, just maybe, been made a mindslave in service of a terrifying death-locomotive made of pure black hell-fire-generated smoke that sounds like a thousand voices screaming in agony and torment? SHUT UP, KATE.

Lost-recon-claire-knife-kate  Just then, Crazy Claire attacks Kate with a knife. Like we didn't see THAT one coming. Zombie Sayid, being Zombified and all, of course does nothing. So it falls to Faux Locke to pull Crazy Claire off Kate and smack her around a bit, because she's apparently still holding onto that whole KATE DONE STOLED MAH BAYBAY schtick, and that's how you get through to traumatized women with post-partum depression. With your fists. "This is completely inappropriate," Faux Locke says to Claire, just after belting her in the mouth. Yeaaah. Inappropriate. I'd say so. A bit later on, Faux Locke explains to a weepy, post-almost-stabbed-in-the-throat Kate that he told Claire the Others had her baby to give her an enemy and something to hate on, because hate is so clearly good for the soul -- like a health tonic, really! -- and keeps you from despair. And he should know, because his Mom was crazy too, and wow, hate hasn't done anything bad to him but... uhh... make him... into an actual monster. Saaaay, wait a minute...

In yonder D2, Miles calls Sawyer on the whole "Florida" trip, having found out there's no such place as Australia, Florida. He asks Sawyer what he was doing in Sydney, and Sawyer says Uhh... riding kangaroos! What, you don't believe me? And Miles tears his shirt dramatically and is all, YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES. I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee! And then Sawyer punches a mirror, because that's what tough guys do when they lose their heterosexual lifemate.

Hey, remember that recon mission Sawyer was on for Faux Locke? Well that gets a bit more complicated when a bunch of dudes with guns spring out of the brush and Ms. I'm-the-sole-plane-crash-survivor, no, really! suddenly starts ordering people around, and saaaay, looks like these folks are putting up pylons on this island like the ones the Others used to keep the smoke monster out, and hey lookee here, it's submarine! I TOLD YOU PEOPLE SO.

Lost-recon-sawyer-other-island-woman  

Bereft after losing his heterosexual lifemate and under the spell of a Very Special Little House On The Prairie and sad microwave pizza, Sawyer attempts to booty call Charlotte, showing up at her door with a six-pack and flaccid sunflower. Charlotte shames him and gives him The Boot, not *ahem* The Booty. After the door finishes slamming in his face, Sawyer gently places the sunflower at Charlotte's doorstep... but you bet your sweet ass he's taking that six-pack with him. He may be dumb, but he's not stupid. Or sober. Anymore.

Down in the sub, Sawyer is introduced to one Mr. Charles Widmore, the Archetypal Bond Villain of Lost. After a bit of chit-chat, Sawyer agrees to lure Faux Locke back to Widmore so that Widmore can kill him -- with lasers mounted on sharks!!! (I wish) -- provided Widmore offers safe passage for him and all the remaining Losties off the island. They shake hands, like it means something. This, I'm guessing, is not going to end well.

Because this is Kate's Special Moment episode, there's an obligatory Claire reconciliation, one wherein Claire tearfully apologizes for the whole trying-to-knife her thing, and thanks Kate for taking care of Aaron. It's ALMOST believable. Then Claire hugs Kate, clutching her torso like a disgusting, dingy fawn-colored monkey, and the look on Kate's face says it all: EWWWWW.

Lost-recon-sawyer_kate_LA  Back in D2, Sawyer also has a sharing and caring moment with Miles, as they sit in Sawyer's car in front of the police station. Sawyer shows Miles the Three Ring Binder Of Despair, and tells him of his childhood horror and plans to off the dude responsible for it. Miles is all, "Woah. Heavy." And just then something heavy does happen: another car barrels into theirs, and the driver bolts and runs. Sawyer chases and eventually tackles the hit-and-runner, who turns out to be.... Kate. Sigh. WAH WAH WAAAH.

Sawyer returns from Hydra island with an earful for Faux Locke, who positively lights up like smoke-enveloped flaming Christmas tree at the idea that Sawyer has played Charles Widmore for him, setting Widmore up so that Faux Locke can go in for the kill, and actually honored their pact with the devil agreement. "You said you were gonna get me off this island. A deal's a deal," he says to the smoke thing. 

I know what you're thinking: when exactly did Sawyer get so stupid? Ahh, stupid like a fox, o ye of little faith. Sitting around the campfire that evening with Kate, Sawyer confesses to her his real plan: to pit Widmore against Faux Locke, and while they go at each other like pit vipers and are oblivious to all else, he and Kate can escape. Kate's all, Dude, I can't fly that Hydra island plane out of here, can you? Sawyer smiles. "We aren't taking the plane, freckles. We're taking the sub."

LOMGST!1!!!!

Previously on Lost Recaps...


. . . . .
Sweetney is a writer, geek, and professional smartass from beautiful Baltimore, MD.








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Comments

Mockazine

It's called "Lost" because that describes the viewers more than the people in the show, right?

Keli

At this point, I get so distracted by Claire's dead-squirrel-on-my-head-hair that I can't pay attention to anything that happens.

Amy

That bit with Claire attacking Kate was TOTALLY set up by Faux Locke to gain Kate's trust... I'm guessing that's why Claire had that "WTF??" look on her face when Locke pulled Claire off of Kate and slapped her (he had to make it look believable). She was all, "But you told me to get all stabby, and now you're all slappy? Wha?"

Even the characters can't figure out this show.

cindy w

Ok, the big final line that Sawyer uttered about taking the sub? Guess what, genius? Kate's question still applies: HOW are you going to get out of there? I'm guessing that a sub is a little tricky to drive. It's not like it's a Hyundai.

I kind of love that they worked in a scene from "Little House on the Prairie" into Sawyer's D2 storyline. I can't even explain why, but it just struck me as perfect.

I feel sorry for Emilie de Ravin having to wear that god-awful matted wig in every episode. Yeesh.

Candace

What's driving me nuts is that double-padlocked-door-on-the-sub-with-a-gun-toting-guard going on there.

diamondcait

"YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES. I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee!" I love it - best.recap.line. EVAH!

shine

Psh, Sawyer never says "aren't."

I love Miles. SO MUCH. Also, what the HELL is going ON in sideways reality?

And how on earth is anyone supposed to feel intimidated by the kid who played Chip on Kate & Allie? Even if he does jump out of the bushes with a gun. I'd just pat his head and tell him no cookies before bed.

heidi

HA! Shine, that's exactly what I kept thinking. Chip, what the hell are you doing on the island? Where are Kate and Allie?

Suzy Q

Sawyer and his puppy-dog eyes and sad sunflower can pay me a visit. ANY TIME.

This show is starting to annoy me a little bit, and I've been a rabid fan since the first episode. This season seems so slap-dash, as if the creators threw everything they could think into a big soup pot but the recipe seems to have too many ingredients.




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