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LOMGST! Lost Recap - The Package

Lost episode the package ben linus sunPREVIOUSLY ON LOST: In a rare, genuinely dramatic moment in U.S. Customs history, a Customs agent at LAX confiscates the $25,000 Sun's father gave Jin for some shady cross-continent "business" dealings -- the details of which we're still not completely clear on (though we ARE clear on the fact that when I put "unnecessary quotes" around words I'm not just defying grammar, respected manuals of style, AND common sense, but also being "annoyingly sarcastic" on purpose, just to torment others) -- because the money was "undeclared." (Listen Customs dude, that money isn't just "undeclared" -- it's so off-the-grid it's, like, one laundering away from becoming INVISIBLE.) Hurley told Richard that, DUDE, your wife told me that you can't let Faux Locke get off the island or DUDE, we're all going to Hell and DUDE, I SEE DEAD PEOPLE. Faux Locke sent Sawyer on a recon mission to Hydra island, where he met Charles Widmore and in short order promised to deliver Faux Locke to Widmore provided Widmore gets the remaining Losties off the island (of course, true to form, Sawyer had already struck a similar deal with Faux Locke, so it'll be interesting to see if/how this little scheme of his doesn't backfire, go nuclear, and end in a mess of fiery rubble and bodies... uhh fingers crossed?). BOOM! 

Through the eerie green hue of night vision goggles we see the goings on at Camp Smoke Monster Army, which is under double secret probation surveillance by Team Widmore, Island Police (FUCK YEAH!). Faux Locke approaches Jin about the name "Kwon" being among those on the wall of Jacob's Cave Of Super Speshal Candidates. He tells Jin that he doesn't know if that "Kwon" refers to him or to Sun, but (get this) the only way they can leave the island is if ALL the remaining candidates do so TOGETHER, so they need to find her, A-SAP. It seems that the wine of pure evil isn't held back by the cork of the island so much as by the cork of The Candidate (whoever he or she may be) (*cough* HUGO *cough*). Innnnteresting, no?

Back in plane-no-crashy Dimension 2 (D2), Sun and Jin depart the airport $25K lighter (can you even believe how much airlines charge to check bags these days? Highway robbery, I say!), and none too happy about it. Jin tells Sun that, per her father's instructions, he was supposed to meet someone in the restaurant at their hotel and give them the money, and boy are they going to be disappointed now! And by "disappointed" I mean HOMICIDAL. When they reach the hotel, Jin and Sun retire to separate rooms because, as Jin vehemently declares at the front desk in broken english, "No marry!" It seems in D2 the story of Sun and Jin didn't go the way of marriage and Shar-Pei puppies, but instead took a left turn at the corner of Class Struggle Street and Overbearing Patriarch Avenue, ending up on Secret Lovers Lane. [Intermission, so you can sing along...] Later, Jin visits Sun in her room and they engage in a rousing game of hide the Salami. Or Sashimi, as the case may be. They get it on, in other words. Just so we're clear.

Lost-jin-sun-hotel

Over at Camp Smoke Monster Army, Faux Locke tells Zombie Sayid to keep an eye on things while he goes off to find souls to eat on an errand, to which Zombie Sayid counters, out of nowhere, "I don't feel anything." Huh. He's pretty self-aware for someone who's supposed to be a mind-slave to The Dark Lord Faux Locke, huh? Well, that can't be good. For Faux Locke, I mean. ZOMBIFICATION: UR DOING IT RONG.

The second Faux Locke leaves camp Jin leaps up and into action, packing his things so as to haul ass out while Faux Locke is gone, taking a moment to scold Sawyer for "listening to that THING" in the process. IN YOUR FACE, JAMES! Sawyer retorts, in Sawyer fashion, that he ain't got no deal with nobody, after all, he's a lone wolf, a free spirit. He's the wind whistling across the open prairie... Wait, where was I? Oh yeah. Sawyer's convinced himself he's The Marlboro Man With A Plan, and Jin's all, Yeah well you and your plan can both suck it while I go find my wife. JIN, OUT! 

Just then a poison dart goes PHHHHTHUNK! and lands directly in Jin's chest. And then another nails Sawyer in the neck... And then Zombie Sayid is hit... And pretty soon everybody at Camp Smoke Monster Army is flat on the ground and the place looks like Jonestown after Kool-Aid party night. Nightvision-goggled Team Widmore peeps then descend on the camp, and after rooting around amongst the bodies awhile locate Jin and cart him off. Why Jin? Well, maybe because he's less annoying than Kate, and more level-headed and reasonable than Sawyer... He's like the porridge that Goldilocks chose! JUST RIGHT.

Back at the beach, Ben and Ilana are mired in hour 28 of point/counterpointing Does Richard Know What To Do Next Or Doesn't He?, which makes Sun want to claw her own eyes out so badly that she retreats to her jungle garden with Jack hot on her heals. Once there, Jack starts in on his usual super-earnest spiel about how they're Candidates, and Speshal, and that everything happens for A Reason... Sun rolls her eyes and asks Jack to leave her alone. Jack is all, Certainly, m'aam, but allow me to at least leave you with this painstakingly yellow-highlighted copy of The Watchtower... I'll be back Wednesday so we can talk about the footnotes. Stay in the Truth, Sister! Stupid Jack.

In Jack's wake who should appear but Faux Locke, who begins talking at Sun in low tones similar to those one uses when speaking to a cowering animal or frightened child, which instead of sounding reassuring ends up coming off as serial-killer-level creepy (which? FITTING). Faux Locke tells Sun that he's found Jin, on the other side of the island, and all she has to do is come with him and they'll be together forever and ever, with puppies and kittens and rainbows. Sun is dubious, pointing out that it's hard to trust someone she knows to be a mass-murderer and evil-smoke-like-thing. Faux Locke counters that it's hardly his fault those people at the temple didn't listen to him when he said FOLLOW ME OR DIE. I mean, really, he told them so, didn't he? WELL, DIDN'T HE?

Lost-sun-locke

This is about when Sun starts running. And then runs... noggin-first into a tree. OUCH. Later, when found by Ben Linus, Sun will have lost her ability to speak English, because apparently the tree struck just the English as a second language portion... of... her skullcase. COUGH. Whatever, in any case, Head Trauma: DO NOT WANT.

In D2, Sun and Jin's post-coital pillow-talk about running away together is rudely interrupted by a knock at the door of Sun's room. Jin hides in the bathroom, and Sun answers the door to find King Skeezy, aka Martin Keamy (who, as Cindy W rightly notes, is a full-on socioppath/psycho who ends up murdered in BOTH dimensions (oops! SPOILER ALERT!)), looking slimey as ever. Seems Skeezy was the person who Jin was supposed to deliver the watch and $25K to, and though Sun and Jin (who was ousted from the bathroom by one of Keamy's henchmen) try to explain how money go poof!, the language barrier proves formidable. ''I feel like I'm in a Godzilla movie," Skeezy says. God, he's a CHARMER, huh ladies? In frustration, Skeezy sends for a translator. After speaking with Sun and Jin, the translator explains that Sun has offered to give Skeezy the missing $25K from her own account, but that she'll need to go to that place where money lives... some call it A BANK. Skeezy tells the translator to go to the bank with Sun while he takes Jin to The Restaurant (it's at this point that I remembered the scene in the episode "Sundown" where Sayid finds Jin in a cooler... man this show is TRICK-Y. And AWE-SOME.).

Lost-jin-clockwork-orange-room Having been harshly rebuked by Sun AND her second-language-erasing tree, Faux Locke returns to his camp to find Jin missing and his remaining would-be minions felled by super sleepy nap-darts. Meanwhile, over on Hydra island, Jin is waking up from his super sleepy nap to find himself in a metal-gray room that looks alot like something out of a torture porn movie or snuff film, complete with a leather-restraint-equipped dentist's chair and a series of ominous-looking wall-mounted speakers. Finding the door to the room locked from the outside, Jin spys a large switch on the wall and decides, What the hell! Let's flip that mofo and see what happens! Thereafter the room goes dark, the loudspeakers being blaring something that sounds a lot like 80s industrial dance music, and a movie flashes images and words on the wall: THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE. WE ARE THE CAUSES OF OUR OWN SUFFERING. EVERYTHING CHANGES. It's like taking a crash course in existential dread, Clockwork Orange-style. Jin wisely flips the switch back to the "OFF" position, and takes a xanax and a shot of bourbon. Just then, Widmore's bespectacled female assistant appears. When Jin trys to walk past her, out of the room, SHE TASES HIM, BRO. SO HARSH. Specs then shows tased Jin some grid maps of electromagnetism on the island circa the Dharma Initiative of the greasy 70s, and notes that his name, Jin Su Kwon, is on the map. Did he make this map? Jin says he wants to talk to Widmore. Specs is all, WORD.

Back at Camp Smokey, Faux Locke gives Zombie Sayid a gun, tells him to wrap it in plastic, and asks if he can swim. I have gills, Zombie Sayid replies. This is sure to end well! Just then Crazy Claire, who apparently needs reassurance and affirmation about as much as she needs a haircut and hot-oil treatment, bends Faux Locke's ear a-while about whether he needs her or not, and is all, even though my name isn't on the wall you still love me, right? Right?  Faux Locke smiles warmly and tells Claire that yes, he loves ALL of his candidate-bait very very much, and pats Claire's filthy head lightly, there, there, wackjob.

On the beach, Jack gives Sun a medical(ish) once-over and, because he's a freakin' genius, declares her Now Unable to Speak English, But Still Able To Speak Korean. Thanks, Doctor Obvious! Richard, who I'm kinda sorta in love with since last week's episode SO BACK OFF BITCHES, then walks up with Hurley. "Pack your bags, we're leaving," he says to everyone. I LOVE YOU RICHARD, I yell at the TV. What?

Lost-richard-jack-hugo-sun Richard goes on to explain that they need to stop Faux Locke from leaving the island (like, duh), and that to that end he's going to... blow up the plane on Hydra island. Sun goes all, Emo Eyeliner say wha? and proceeds to browbeat him in Korean within an inch of his linguistic life. We later discover that Sun can write in English despite being unable to speak it, and I'm guessing had she known that at this point Richard would have had a crap-ton of ALL CAPS and UNDERLINED THINGS to contend with right about then.

Lost-locke-widmore-pylons-beach Over on Hydra island, Faux Locke arrives on the beach and is greeted by a hail of bullets. Well that's not very neighborly now, is it? Charles Widmore emerges from the brush, and it's all totally classic Wild West Showdown in feeling. Faux Locke is all, I wants mah Jin back, WidWHORE! And Widmore is all, What? Jin, you say? Why, I've never heard of such a... Or do you mean Gin? Are you having a party? Do you need some mixers, too? A little lime, perhaps? And Faux Locke is all, I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL! I WILL EAT EVERYONE'S SOUL!!!! YOU WILL ALL BOW DOWN BEFORE MEEEE!!! So that went well.

In yonder D2, Sun goes to the bank with Skeezy's translator and discovers that her father knew all about her supposedly secret bank account and drained all the funds from it. DENIED! Meanwhile, Jin goes with Skeezy to The Restaurant, and as Skeezy uses duct tape to strap Jin to a chair in the cooler he gives a monologue that reveals that the $25K Jin was delivering to Skeezy was Skeezy's fee for OFFING Jin. Not understanding a word of what Skeezy is saying to him, but still operating under the delusion that this is all somehow going to turn out a-ok, Jin replies to Skeezy's rambling with an earnest, "Thank you." OH MY AWK-WARD. Later, as we saw in "Sundown," Sayid finds Jin in this cooler after offing Skeezy & Co. in the most badass way possible, and hands Jin a nearby box cutter. "Good Luck," Sayid says to Jin in a tone that sounds more like, "You're so totally fucked."

Lost-jin-sun-daughter On the sub, Widmore presents Jin with a digital camera that was found among Sun's things in the plane she returned to the island on, one containing photos of an adorable munchkin of a girl that Widmore claims is Jin's daughter. He goes on to say that if Faux Locke gets off the island, his daughter, Jin's daughter, and everyone that they love, will "simply cease to be." He tells Jin that he came to the island to stop that from happening. When Jin asks him how he plans to do this, Widmore says he wants to show Jin The Package. No, not HIS package, get your mind out of the gutter, people! But get this: The Package, Widmore explains, is not a what, but a who. OMGWTFPACKAGEBBQ!??!!!?!!

Arriving at The Restaurant after their very unsatisfying banking experience, Sun and Skeezy's translator find the kitchen filled with bodies, courtesy of one Sayid "Badass Motherfucker" Jarrāḥ. Jin, having freed himself from the chair in the cooler, jumps the translator and struggles with him for a gun. Shots are fired, the translator is felled, and Sun catches a bullet. "I'm pregnant," she wails to Jin. The words "HOLY FUCK!" run in a ticker across Jin's forehead as he gathers Sun in his arms and carries her out.

Back at Camp Smokey, Locke returns from his trip to Hydra island without Sayid, much to Sawyer's consternation. "What, did you lose him too?" Sawyer taunts, because it's just good old fashioned FUN to taunt pure evil! Nothing bad ever happens when people do that! In ominous tones Faux Locke replies that he doesn't like secrets, alluding to the locked room on Widmore's sub. Uh-oh...

Lost-sayid-water
Out in the water surrounding Hydra island, Sayid surfaces beside Widmore's sub in time to see a man being dragged from its hull, stumbling and obviously drugged. The man falls on the dock, his head dangling over the dock's edge. There he comes face-to-face with Sayid, and we see that the man is, in fact, Desmond Hume. "Come on, Mister Hume," one of his handlers urges, and Desmond, clearly confused by all of this, stumbles off supported by them. It seems that Desmond may in fact be "The Package."

LOMGST!1!!!!

Previously on Lost Recaps...


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Sweetney is a writer, geek, and professional smartass from beautiful Baltimore, MD.








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Comments

Keli

Good one!

I feel like, in addition to making Claire feel special, Flocke basically told her that she could kill Kate when he was done with her. And I was all, "PLEASE DO! AND BRUSH YOUR HAIR AFTER!"

Am I the only one who nearly peed herself laughing when Sun hit that tree?

BeckyinRNO

Awesome Recap!! I have been checking all day to see if it had been posted!

Do you catch or notice that evil translator dude was eye-patch dude that detonated the granade that blew up The Looking Glass and killed our beloved Charlie? Yep same dude and Jin shot him in the same eye that was patched in D1 Lost.

I love this show!

accidentalcitygirl

wasn't the room where Jin woke up, the same place the others attempted to mind melt Alex's boyfriend?

Tracy

You forgot the bestest part: the translator is none other than Mikhail, he of the eyepatch, and he is oh-so-ironically shot IN THE EYE by, um, whoever it was. Smooth James Sayid Bond?

cindy w

Aw, thanks for the shout-out! I see that a couple of people already mentioned Mikhail, the Russian dude who apparently has eyeball issues in every dimension. One other thing: that creepy room where Jin woke up, with the techno and freaky slideshow? That's the room where Ben was Clockwork Orange-ing Karl, Alex Rousseau's little teenage boyfriend (back in season 3, I think). Damn, I love how this show brings all those threads back together.

Also: Desmond! OMG! Where's Penny? WTF?

Tracy

Also Sun has the eyebrows of DOOM when she is yelling at Richard. I like how they actually disappear into her hair.

Sweetney

I love you people. There's always so many details to cover, I rely on y'all to pick up what I leave out and you never disappoint. Thanks for geeking out with me every week, kids.

Can I just say that I'm getting sadder as each episode passes this season? I know it's just a show, but I'm going to miss these people, this narrative, mythology. I'm sort of pre-mourning it, in writing these recaps. Sigh.

Suzy Q

I think something might be wrong with Sayid, yanno?

rkmama

Which Desmond is it? Is the Package Desmond Sideways Desmond or On a Boat Desmond? Is there only ONE Desmond? are their multiple Desmonds?
Someone please tell me before I have an aneurysm!




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