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Naomi Campbell Probably Didn't Beat Up Her Limo Driver So Just Shut Up Already


Those of us who know Naomi Campbell understand her to be a calm and collected person. A beacon of peace in an otherwise turbulent and chaotic existence. A symbol of rationality in a world gone mad. And that's exactly why I didn't believe her limo driver when he said that our angelic Naomi had assaulted him while he was driving her around Manhattan. Sure, whatever, buddy. *puts thumb to open mouth and makes drinking signal*

TMZ sources report that on Tuesday, Campbell's driver called 911 to report the assault on his head. If it's true, his head was doing something so infuriating it had to be attacked with the ferocity of a thousand angry hornets. Because I think we can all agree that it would take pretty much an act of God to get this woman to assault someone, right? I know.


After telling this story, one that could only have been a fictitious and whimsical fairy tale conceived by a nutball, he would allege that Naomi fled the scene. GET. OUT. Whatever, looney tunes. Tell it to your imaginary friends.

He even had the nerve to go get treated for bumps and bruises before dropping the charges and saying he would pursue her in civil court. What an asshole.

This guy reminds me of her assistant. And her housekeeper. And her other assistant. And the police officers. And the paparazzi. What the hell is wrong with you people? Why can't you just leave her alone?

Oh. Huh? What was that limo driver? That's what I thought.  He would later recant his entire story and say it was a misunderstanding that was blown out of proportion. That he was "angry and overreacted".  He apologized for his insanity and now we can all go back to what we were doing. I'm sure he figured he would have absolutely no case against someone with her squeaky clean record and also highly doubt some kind of secret deal was made in return for his reversing his claims. No way. For Sure.

I think this pretty much proves the others made it up, too, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. I'll take a brief walk through their imaginary and fantastical worlds. For a moment, one crazy, crazy moment, let's say she did these things. What did these people do to deserve it?  Uh huh. They really aggravated the fuck out of her.

That's the story you won't hear from the MSM. They're not going to tell you how annoying these people are. How they probably looked at her or took a left without using a turn signal. Fuckers. I'd like to get a piece of them myself. One guy even tried to take a picture of her. I've only one got thing to say to that: You. Me. In a cage. Now.

Van damme

As we all know, when people do something you don't particularly like or find a bit agitating, you bludgeon them with fists of fury. Perhaps even scratch at their face like a rabid raccoon. I like to kick people in the shin and they hate it. Or tase them. Work smarter, not harder. Naomi could learn a thing or two from me. 

Campbell's been instructed to take anger management courses, but she knows exactly how to manage her anger. It is her steed and she rides it while wielding a mighty left hook of justice. Don't tell her what to do again. Or else.

Naomi has commented that she would just like to move on, and I suggest we all do the same. There is no way I am fighting Naomi Campbell. I think I'd rather fight Asia. (Not the band, but I would fight them, too.)

So just... gahhhhh!! Get out of her way, dammit. Or do what she says. Or stop looking at her or whatever! Just stop it because you're doing something and you're going to get punched. Just look down. But show the proper respect. Bow, I think. That's it. Bow. No eye contact. Unless you're addressed. Then it depends on her mood. Asshole.


. . . . .
MayoPie writes nonsense all of the time on his blog.

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Jen O.

That was awesome. I think. As long as Ms. Campbell approves. If Ms. Campbell says it's awesome, than it's awesome. She decides.

Please don't hit me.

Apryl's Antics

I wouldn't mess with Naomi Campbell. That limo driver is lucky she didn't eat his car.


Am in love:
"but she knows exactly how to manage her anger. It is her steed and she rides it while wielding a mighty left hook of justice."


I emailed her this link.

Lock your doors and windows.

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