Nicholas Sparks? PUT THE PEN DOWN

   I am going to get vicious hatemail for this, but I simply cannot stay silent any longer. It's time for an intervention, and I happen to be RILLY good at those. Nicholas Sparks? It's time to put down the pen.

Dear Nick:

Can I call you Nick? I feel close to you, Nick, and there is something I have to say to you as a fellow scribe, certainly not one of your fame and fortune, but one who also puts pen to paper to entertain the masses. Nick? It's time to stop writing. Your newest book to be made into a movie, The Last Song, opens this week, and the commercial alone was so cloying, so overly saccharine, that I now have three new cavities. I don't have dental insurance, Nick!

 

It's not that you're a bad person, Nick. It's that you've made some very poor choices in the genre you have chosen in the literary field. You make girls and women weep hysterically and men crawl under the movie theater seats. You give the women you create mystery diseases and have them die beautifully, which, hey, I'm as big a fan of Wuthering Heights as the next lassie, but what you do is not great literature. It's simplistic writing that does not embrace the reader, but demeans them. And the movies are even worse...Nick, they're ALL going to be movies, aren't they? Wonderful. Gak. What you write is trite, cloyingly sweet GARBAGE and you make millions off of it. I am, frankly, shocked that you have not been attacked by a horde of the heterosexual male partners of your female fans, since they are the ones who must endure the waxing and heavy sobs of their girlfriends and wives as you grip them so tightly in your claws of predictable, cliché, self-satisfying tripe. 

Listen. I watch bad movies. I love a good romance. But you seem hell (sorry, "heck") bent on insulting your readers by giving them cookie-cutter tragic romances over and over and over again instead of stepping a tiny bit away from your box and trying something a little deeper,or developing your characters a bit more than this shit (sorry! "stuff") you could find in any 14-year-old girl's imagination diary she's writing about that boy in Geometry class. It all makes me just a little ill. 

 

So please, Nick, put down the pen. Step away from the computer. You've made your fortune, and this weekend women will drag their partners to the theaters to see Miley Cyrus fall in fated love just like all your other "heroines" who all lack a spine and a brainstem, (but have a heart of gold!) and we'll all learn a Very Important Lesson about love, and you'll laugh your ass off all the way to the bank. AGAIN. 

I'm not doing this to be an asshole (SORRY! "meanie") to you as a person and a fellow writer, Nick. I'm doing this because you OBVIOUSLY have writing talent, I mean, you've published and made a fortune off this stuff. But you're not doing feminism any good and, seriously, the poor regular dudes and women who have to endure these for their significant others? They're going to come at you with pitchforks someday, man.

I'm doing this out of a caring, warm place in my heart, Nick. Take up auto-repair or something and write about that. You've exhausted your chosen genre. 

 

Quick story, and then I'm done, I swear. When I was in rehab, a dvd of The Notebook was played in our common room over and over and over until there was ANARCHY and someone threatened to drink drain cleaner. Luckily, one of the more physically violent patients smashed the dvd into a bazillion pieces. Man, we were lucky the gate had a padlock on it, because that flick will send someone into the deepest, darkest streets to score any junk that will erase that crap from his or her brain. 

Saying this with love and respect as a fellow writer,

Cut the shit.

Miss Banshee

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NSFW if you don't like, ya know, handjob humor. 

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

. . . . .
Miss Banshee watches a lot of crap movies, but The Notebook almost put her back on the sauce.

Comments

[BaltimoreGal]

YES. I got tricked into watching "Message in a Bottle" years ago and I am still angry. And upset.

[rachie]

i love you. thank you for saying what so many of us are thinking (whilst puking, i might add)

[Alyssa]

I'm going to print off that last paragraph and frame it. Then I'm going to read it every morning when I wake up. Not only will it start my day off with laughter, it will also daily impress gratitude upon my heart for bringing a writer like Miss Banshee into my life. Thank you.

[Tanis Miller, RNM]

I loved the Notebook. If that makes me wrong, I don't want to be right.

Also, devil's advocate: any script that is awarded to Hannah Montana, er Miley Cyrus, is BOUND to be a winner. I mean, sheesh, Banshee, what's with all the hate.

*Mullets Rock, Billy Ray is my Hero and Nickelback for-EVAH*

**runs away before you can stone me**

[Christine]

I couldn't agree with you more! They're insipid. And Wuthering Heights is my favorite movie, so I'm prone to that kind of thing. Still, I don't do the Sparks stuff. Thanks for saying it out loud.

[Isabel]

Oh my gosh, THANK YOU! I recently read "Dear John" since a friend I love recommended it to me (and loaned me her copy).

Dude, I could NOT figure out why anybody would read that crap. Not to mention it's a Best Seller and WAS MADE INTO A MOVIE (that I won't be seeing, thank you very much). It was written even worse them "Twilight".

(It must be noted that I'm a nice, sweet Christian girl....but dude, I'd like a little sexy in my books. Even people who love Jesus like sexy in their literature. And good writing.)

[shine]

I'm proud to say I've never read a book by Nicholas Sparks. AND I've never seen a movie based on a book by Nicholas Sparks.

I am Nicholas Sparks free. For life.

[Jennie]

I recently saw Dear John. Like, I paid money to see it. WITH MY EYES. It was the worst movie I've ever seen in my life.

[kakaty]

The only experience I have with Nick is The Notebook which was just gawd-awful and full of cliches and horrible writing. Put me off Sparks for life.

I think I'm going to forward this letter to every woman who has ever asked me to go see a Nick Sparks movie with her. There are way too many of them.

[Joanne Huspek]

Brava, Miss Banshee. When you throw Mitch Albom on that bonfire, I will raise money for the afterglow.

[Cristie]

I'm sharing this post with my husband because one of the things about me that cracks him up is that for years (long torturous years) anytime a NS movie commercial comes on I respond with God Damn Nicolas Sparks. He pointed it out to me. I didn't even realize I was doing it. The disgust runs so deep that I was involuntary cursing him!!
Thank you for summing it up much more eloquently than my cursing does!

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

Like Shine, I too am Sparks Free. No books. No movies. And I feel like my life is probably better for it.

PS Who doesn't like handjob humor?

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

Like Shine, I too am Sparks Free. No books. No movies. And I feel like my life is probably better for it.

PS Who doesn't like handjob humor?

[Major Bedhead]

I read The Notebook under duress, for a bookgroup I was in. I loathed it and since then, have refused to read anything else by him. It is godawful tripe.

[cindy w]

I saw that movie with Mandy Moore & Shane West. I had no idea that it was based on a Nicholas Sparks novel. I also can't remember a single solitary damn thing about the movie (seriously, nothing. Did I hate it? Did I think it was just ok? Did it trigger some sort of PTSD that caused me to block it out? WTF, brain?). But I know that the 20 minutes of "The Notebook" that I saw made me cringe, and the commercials for "Nights in Rodanthe" made me want to vomit, so... no. He needs to go away.

[Amalah]

My mom once lent me one of the books, Message in a Bottle? Notebook? Is there really a difference? I got about halfway through it before realizing that it was BY FAR the worst book I'd ever read in my life and my vagina was ready to punch ITSELF for putting up with that much crappy treacly chick lit.

I put it down and have been proudly 100% Sparks-free -- books and movies -- ever since.

[rkmama]

I'm pretty good about being able to understand why people like things, even if I don't. Not with this man though. The Notebook was the worst thing mine eyes have ever, ever seen and that includes Tammy Lee Baker's face.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Never read it, never will. Thank you for saving me the grief.

[Jessi]

I hate romance and chick lit in general. (Excluding Twilight, which I justify with vampires, thankyouverymuch.) However, I took my grandma to see The Notebook while I was writing movie reviews for my local paper and I cried like a freakin' baby. I think I deemed it the best terrible movie of all time. There is nothing that I like more than crying until my eyeballs pop out of my head. I'm not being sarcastic. I'm pretty sure that's the only Nicholas Sparks I've ever seen and I've definitely never read anything by him. I may see the Miley, movie. Because, like the rednecks before me, I love Billy Ray and I think that Miley is pretty darn spiffy, too.

[Tara]

Okay, Banshee, i totally agree that Sparks is the Thomas Kincaid of literature (and probably makes as much money). Sadly, though, i have to confess that i LOVE Twilight and all its sequels so i cannot join the ranks of the exquisitely cool. Love y'a though.

[Miss Banshee]

@Tara!!!!! I LOVE Twilight! I have no shame in that! This article isn't about a "cool kids' club" (trust me, I am NOT a cool kid) it's poking fun at ol' Nick. No insult was intended, I swear.

[JellyBean]

Psst. I have a secret. I didn't like The Notebook. I feel like Elaine from Seinfeld when she didn't like The English Patient. Don't tell anyone.

[WordyDoodles]

I LOVE this blog and posts like this are why. Amen amen amen- I have found my people!!

@Isabel I too am a nice sweet Christian, but doing my best to shed the nice and sweet part. I think I want to replace them with "fierce" and "fabulous." I'm with you that these books, and Twilight, should really be in the WTF-cult-YA lit shelf at the library.

[Sara]

Yes to all of this post. No hate mail from me in the least.

[Jen]

OMG Amalah...LOL LOL LOL!!!

I totally agree with you Miss Banshee...but I must confess...I enjoyed The Notebook the movie...in spite of myself. I just really like Rachel McAdams in that movie...and I loved James Gardner and Gena Rowlands. Screw it...I liked Gosling too. Yikes.

[Suzy Q]

I liked the part in Nights in Rodanthe where they first showed the sweeping views of that house on the beach. The rest? Not so much. Well, except for Richard Gere, who I would not kick out of my bed for eating crackers.

I haven't seen/read any of the others. Too much snively, young-girl shit for me.

[Jdack]

I really thought I'd never encounter a woman who didn't like "The Notebook."

I think I love you.

[Kim]

"Brava, Miss Banshee. When you throw Mitch Albom on that bonfire, I will raise money for the afterglow.

Posted by: Joanne Huspek"

THANK YOU! I thought I was the only female on this planet who loathed these two authors with the burning passion of a bazillion suns. I, too, will pitch in for the bonfire afterglow party, Joanne!

[The Mayor of Bethville]

I am still waiting for the Nicholas Sparks book that ends with a mass suicide. Because that? Would be awesome.

[Tara]

No insult taken, for sure. In fact i think you are exquisitely cool so it was not intended as a slam. And i'm so happy that you dwell in the house of Edward with the rest of us sappy females. : )

[jodifur]

Every time I watch one of his movies, which I always watch before I know it is based on one of his books, I end this way....

HE (SHE) DIES....WHY AM I WATCHING THIS!!!!!

Seriously, there are other plot devices. Maybe he could try one.

[chatty cricket]

As long as we're talking about throwing Mitch Albom on the bonfire, please to consider adding Jodi Picoult?

Thx.

[Veronica Mitchell]

I once walked into my favorite bookstore not knowing that Nicholas Sparks was there for a book-signing. There were fifty women, mothers and daughters, all dressed in sweaters sets, pashminas and pearls, standing in line straining to hear his every word, and bursting into titters at every completed sentence. Say what you like about the man: I looked into his eyes at that moment and I saw fear. We both knew they would have torn him limb from limb to suck the sentimental marrow from his bones.

[Leslie]

Miss Banshee - "Dear John" is currently the must read book for tween girls - I offered to buy it for my 13 y/o and her response, "Oh mom, that is sooo below my reading level..." She did her mother proud!!!
I do admit to being sucked in to The Notebook whenever I catch it on TV but the rest ugh.
Great post! xoxo

[Cristin]

This post is awesome.
Amen, sistah.
I have never seen any of these movies or read the books. If I saw Nicholas Sparks on the street I wouldn't be able to stop myself from bitch-slapping him.
What I am so pissed about is that they used one of my favorite songs, "Breathe Me" by Sia in the preview. Now it's ruined. I'm done with it now! Are you happy?!
Sons of bitches.

[Zoeyjane]

I love A Walk to Remember. And I will defend it's honour (the honour being that it is an amazing way to flush out all kinds of membranes, and therefore SCIENTIFICALLY healing) to the death. The Notebook can suck it, though.

[Zoeyjane]

Irony: I'm more embarrassed about misspelling 'its', than admitting I love A Walk to Remember.

[ozma]

Oh my, Miss Banshee as McMurphy, Nicholas Sparks as Nurse Rached.

The idea of rehab patients rioting and then destroying a copy of the DVD of the notebook. That's brilliant. But then junkies relapsing for more junk just to get it out of their heads? That's f'ing brilliant.

And it's true, so true that whoever is even indirectly responsible for Nights in Rodanthe needs a lifetime ban from anything that gives him or her the capacity to create anything so horrifying again. I never put these wrongnesses together in the way you have but please, let it be so.

[ozma]

PS @jellybean: I was watching The English Patient and some callow teenagers next to me started to laugh and I will always love them because just that laugh made the movie vastly more enjoyable. Some movies need a Mystery Science Theater soundtrack and that is definitely one of them.

[your neighborhood librarian]

At the public library, it is ALL I CAN DO not to cringe and reflexively suggest Anita Shreve - or ANYONE else - whenever a customer comes looking for Nicholas Sparks.

I read The DaVinci Code and one of the Left Behind novels so that I could decide for myself if they were crap (answer: yes), but I can't bring myself to do the same for Nicholas Sparks.

He would be the Thomas Kinkade of literature, except, unfortunately, Thomas Kinkade is the Thomas Kinkade of literature. That drunken fondler 'writes' books now too.

[KimAZ]

WITH MY EYES!!!
Hee.

[BaltimoreGal]

To add to this, I'd like to believe my brother and I helped to inspire Miss Banshee with this tweet last Sunday "To quote my brother: "Nicholas Sparks needs to fucking die." Can't argue with that..."

If not, I think the Tweet still stands.

[Pixie]

Okay, I love you even more now. My rant on Nicholas Sparks (which I do deliver aloud when asked): "He tells a beautiful story about two people who fall in love, completing each other, and all is right with the world. But is that good enough for him? No! He has to kill one of them. Then, the other one, rather than learning from the event and appreciating what they had, becomes completely depressed and is useless and their lives are ruined." Really? Why would I want to read this? Nice work, let's hope he listens!

[Pixie]

Okay, I love you even more now. My rant on Nicholas Sparks (which I do deliver aloud when asked): "He tells a beautiful story about two people who fall in love, completing each other, and all is right with the world. But is that good enough for him? No! He has to kill one of them. Then, the other one, rather than learning from the event and appreciating what they had, becomes completely depressed and is useless and their lives are ruined." Really? Why would I want to read this? Nice work, let's hope he listens!

[Pixie]

Okay, I love you even more now. My rant on Nicholas Sparks (which I do deliver aloud when asked): "He tells a beautiful story about two people who fall in love, completing each other, and all is right with the world. But is that good enough for him? No! He has to kill one of them. Then, the other one, rather than learning from the event and appreciating what they had, becomes completely depressed and is useless and their lives are ruined." Really? Why would I want to read this? Nice work, let's hope he listens!