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Now You Can Have the Experience of Having Tiger Woods Sext You Up

Tiger Woods wife family If I were Tiger Woods, I would be smashing myself in the head with a nine iron or twelve wood or whatever the hell it is golfers use to hit those little white balls, because his former lover and porn star Joslyn James (née Veronica Siwik-Daniels) has launched the alluring and nipplicious website Sexting Joslyn James, featuring sex-texts ("sexts") allegedly from Tiger Woods.  Man, what a long sentence! I felt like I was writing a Pynchon novel for a moment! But no, I'm just writing about dirty texting from a guy who plays golf.  Check out some highlights after the jump! They're "sexy".  The quotation marks mean they're gross.

Tiger Woods Nike

Tiger's texts range from the romantic:

Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/28/2009:
I want to be deep inside you

Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore [Tiger has no sore-making capacity? Surely a doctor has the answer for this.]

Tiger:Sent: 03:36 PM 08/29/2009:
After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard [yes, that is often efficacious]

Tiger:Sent: 03:43 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust [and maybe Rhode Island. Can you look into that for me?]

Tiger:Sent: 03:42 PM 09/08/2009:
Hurry so i come in that ass [If you're too slow Tiger will be forced to come somewhere else. Tiger anal relies on speed]

To the adventurous:

Tiger:Sent: 04"02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat

Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore [as opposed to my baking whore, or consulting whore]

Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own [Wait. Does he mean her ass, or does he bring one along?  It's not clear from the text]

Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise

To the adventurous but solicitous:

Tiger:Sent: 04:21 PM 08/29/2009:
Where do you want to be bitten

Tiger:Sent: 04:53 PM 08/29/2009:
I know you have tried every positing imaginable but what turns you on besides a dp

Tiger:Sent: 06:30 PM 09/07/2009:
Let me know when your about 20 out i will order dinner. And what would you like to eat

Tiger:Sent: 01:28 PM 09/08/2009:
Have you ever had a golden shower done to you

Tiger:Sent: 01:29 PM 09/08/2009:
Just morbid curiosity

And from there to the slightly weird:

Tiger:Sent: 01:32 PM 09/08/2009:
Never done it. I think i would get stage freight [Tiger might receive some balsa wood, grease paint, costumes and old script notes?]

Tiger:Sent: 06:02 PM 10/01/2009:
fish bowl [Eskimooooo]

Ultimately there's buyer's remorse:

Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009:
Don't Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck

[Yes, you wouldn't want others to ruin your life by having sex with you]






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Comments

G.G.R

That is pretty disgusting. What a dbag. elin is one special lady to try to work it out.

Dawn

Classy. Both of them. Just...classy.

Apryl's Antics

What's a "dp"? Deep puncture? I'm not up on all the sext language. Those crazy kids.

Sweetney

Tiger Woods' autocorrect is really messing with him ("positing"?). Also: ICK.

G.G.R

Apryls antics - I think dp stand for deep penetration. I could be wrong but thats how i raed it

Fawn Amber

OMG...that was not something I needed to read prior to coffee this morning. BLECH.

Erin

Just threw up a little in my mouth...ugh.

Erin

Just threw up a little in my mouth...ugh.

MayoPie

Wow. I loved, "Have you ever had anyone pee on you?" Judging from his response, it sounded as if she didn't like that question.

"Ummm... just curious," said Tiger, "Where would you like me to pe.. I mean bite you? Let's keep this clean. I don't know where that peeing thing came from." *whistles and looks to the sky*

bella

actually, I believe dp means double penetration. And wish I didn't know that, as I'm sure you feel the same now.

MayoPie

I mentioned this before, but I high-fived Tiger Woods once. Now going to get a cheese grater to remove hand skin.

Keli

GAG.

BHJ

LOL!

Suzy Q

Wow. And holy crap. I was going to ask about "dp" - "thanks" to Apryl for asking, and also "thanks" to bella for clearing that up for me.

I think if I were Tiger's wife and read this stuff, all talk of reconciliation would be off. I wonder how many STDs he gave her.

Laurie

[Wait. Does he mean her ass, or does he bring one along? It's not clear from the text]

Awesome.

Otherwise? So gross. Bah.

audrey

Gah. Seriously? I just threw up. Although I gotta admit I'd like to see this ass he speaks of - you know the one who owns and brings along. ;)




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