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Oh, Canada: Exploring The Dark Heart of Our Northern Neighbors. On Film.

Giant_inflatable_beaverHooray, Olympics! By which I mean: they're over, and in all honesty I didn't pay much attention to anything beyond hockey and the opening and closing ceremonies. But hell... the hockey was awesome, and the opening and closing ceremonies were pretty damned impressive. And ALL! ABOUT! CANADA! Nickelback! Celine Dion! Loverboy! Triumph! April Wine! Anne Murray! Sarah McLachlan! Giant Inflatable Beavers! Crash Test Dummies! Um! Plus, in between hockey quarters innings periods, we were deluged with a nonstop... uh... deluge of ads for scenic British Columbia featuring all kinds of famous Hollywood folks whom, it turns out, are all sleeper cell agents who've infiltrated Hollywood with the goal of stealing American jobs and redirecting our valuable vacation dollars to their strange and foreign shores — to a faraway land where dollars are coins covered in loons, everyday people are confusingly polite, and the threat of polar bear attack is apparently ever-imminent. It's like some terrifying and yet fascinating parallel world — a world next door, in fact. As true global citizens, it's our duty to try to understand Canadia... and fortunately for us, a path towards that understanding has already been blazed. On film.

STRANGE BREW
Plot: Two brothers - everyday Canadians - discover they've run out of beer. This sends them into a paramilitary frenzy wherein they mount an invasion on the brewery and, in time, overcome the even greater evil within. Hilarity ensues.

Conclusion: In Canada, beer flows like water. Lack of beer makes Canadians violent. And it doesn't take much to push them over the edge into guerrilla warfare. In short: beware, America.

SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER & UNCUT
Plot: A probing documentary in which the insidious effects of so-called "Canadian comedy" on American youth prove to be disastrous - leading otherwise wholesome, clean-living children into a towering spiral of profanity, flatulence and death that staggers the imagination. The film also includes the repeated sodomization of Saddam Hussein by Satan, which is presumably another part of the Canadians' master strategy. The result of all this activity? War.

Conclusion: Jim Carrey is a plot to destroy our way of life. It may be subtext, but this film paints that subtext in letters 10 feet high (that's approximately 2 kilometers, for those Canadians who may have infiltrated the MamaPop readership and/or ranks)... and frankly, that's the way subtext works best.

CANADIAN BACON
Plot
: American President Hawkeye Pierce (Alan Alda) manufactures a war with Canada, ostensibly to boost his sagging ratings or popularity or whatever it is that Presidents care about, but more realistically because Canadians are terrifying and we must destroy them to preserve our way of life. I should mention that this film is also a documentary, which we know because it was directed by Michael Moore, and that's what Michael Moore does.

Conclusion: John Candy was really our one and only hope to bridge the immense gap between American and Canadian cultures. This film more or less killed him -- and with him, any reason not to follow through on the wishes of our commander in chief. As somebody brilliant may have tweeted during the US/Canada gold medal hockey game last Sunday, "The good news is that if USA loses, we're going to use that as an excuse to invade and take over tomorrow. We've been practicing."

BLACK ROBE
Plot: In Canadian frontier days - They had them too! Who knew? - a Jesuit Missionary goes into the wilderness to try to make the Huron and Algonquins love Jesus. Hilarity ensues.Last_of_the-Mohicans

Conclusion: The movie itself is something of a cross between The Mission and Dances With Wolves (even though it predates the latter, but let's pretend we're not noticing that) with a bit of Last of the Mohicans stirred in for good measure, and... well, hell: I can't actually figure out how this ties into my thesis. Time to cleverly distract you with a beefcake photo of Daniel Day Lewis.

GINGER SNAPS BACK - THE BEGINNING
Plot: In Canadian frontier days - we just learned about them, remember? - two sisters somehow get lost in the deep dark woods. Werewolf attacks commence soon thereafter. Hilarity does not ensue.

Conclusion: Canada is apparently rotten with werewolves. And not necessarily the sexy shirtless teen werewolves y'all seem so fond of, neither. Nossir. These aren't gentle shy emowolves who want to snuggle with you and absolutely definitely not have sex with you. These are fucked up nasty weird Canadian werewolves that want to kill and eat you, among other things. ("Other things" may include but are not limited to: curling; declaring the superiority of Tim Horton's products; shopping for toques at Roots.) WE MUST DEFEND OURSELVES FROM CANADIAN LYCANTHROPES.

So. What can we learn from all of these educational films? That Canadia is a dark and violent place, full of beer and werewolves and occasionally hockey. And dammit, America, it's time we stopped living in fear. It's time we faced down our Canadian oppressors once and for all... and did the right thing. For the children. Think of the children!


. . . . .
TwoBusy is both hard at work and hardly working on his debut novel, Fear of Canadians.







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Comments

sweetsalty kate

"Canada is a dark and violent place, full of beer and werewolves and occasionally hockey."

I think I just got my first boner.

diamondcait

Black Robe is quite possible the most.depressing.movie.ever.

DawnBlanchfield

"Other things" may include but are not limited to: curling - ::snort::

Shannon

Sadly my Canadian sense of humour fails to appreciate this post. To far.

BaltimoreGal

Hoser.

mrschaos

I'm still reeling from learning that Canada had frontier days. Why was I not told about this??

sweetsalty kate

Aw, Shannon. He's poking fun at the typical American doughheadedness about Canada. Either that or he's earnestly doughheaded and it behooves us to be chuckle gently. Besides. Have you ever seen a Canadian movie you liked? I remember Margaret's Museum. Helena Bonham-Carter cut out the heart of her dead lover. Totally werewolfian.

We should just be happy he hasn't seen Men With Brooms.

helenel

Awesomely catchy Great White North song at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ot70G4wSQi0

You're welcome.

lori

You missed "Men with Brooms" which is Canadian AND involves curling. You're welcome.

(As a Canadian I find this hilarious and hope dearly that Shannon was joking because the one thing we Canadians do extremely well (besides hockey BAHAHA) is make fun of ourselves)

Jessi

A polar bear attack! What a treat! (You should know that I'm not so much making fun of you as I am making fun of the fact that I had to read that sentence 7 times before I realized that there was a typo and I wasn't missing some universal joke.)

TwoBusy

@Jessi: Argh! Damn spellcheck for not properly reading my mind. Thanks -- now fixed.

Laurie

And in traditional Canadian fashion, I must say...

Woot! An American mentioned Canada!

(PS, you do realize that while you may have been practicing, we've been quietly and politely infiltrating the US? Why just last night I introduced a group of Louisianians to the gastronomical delight that is poutine...)




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