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Pandorum Is Out On DVD. Does NOT Involve Pandas At All.

Pandorum-cover  I'm a sucker for mediocre Sci-fi horror. I mean if someone were to say to me that they had just come from a Dennis Quaid comedy directed by the same guy who did The Proposal, I'd look at them like they had suddenly grown a penis in the middle of their face and they looked like they were about to start peeing. But make it a Dennis Quaid movie set in SPACE and made by the same guy who directed the abysmal Resident Evil movies, and suddenly I'm all about telling you how handsome your new face-dick is. Pandorum IS that movie. And I saw it. And if you want to know what I thought, click on...

The only way to  properly analyze Pandorum is to compare it to Alien, because anyone who says this thing is derivative never took calculus and doesn't understand that being derivative to something means it only glancingly shares a single common point. These two are the same movie pretty much. Except one had an iconic, scary alien designed by the infinitely creepy Swiss person, H.R. Giger, and the other has Dennis Quaid acting mildly freaky and some albino cannibals. Pandorum is a shadow of Alien, but it's the kind of shadow that's dark enough to hide from the cops in if some blabbermouth seventh grader sees you loitering near the school grounds again even though that restraining order is in place.

Pandorum Denis Quaid as Kirk

Game Over, Man! Game Over! (Get it? It's a hilarious Aliens reference) 

Pandorum has some story to it. Now I'm not saying that story isn't predictable... because that would be like suggesting you were surprised to hear Andy Dick got arrested for sexual assault. No, you can see most of the twists and turns in Pandorum's plot from a mile away. But that's okay because really...any science fiction that people call ground-breaking these days is just confusing, and has giant space babies and monoliths and Europa turning into the other sun or whatever. (Except for Battlestar Galactica because I want to hump Starbuck)  But Pandorum? Not so much revolution. It's like what Babe: Pig in the City was to Babe. Only without the adorable talking pig. What am I trying to say? Your guess is as good as mine.

I looked up Pandorum's score on a website that aggregates film reviews and compiles them into a number between one and one hundred and I'm not sure if I can actually mention the site but let's call it "Wiltingcelery.com" and on it's Crisp-o-Meter, Pandorum got a 30%. Hmm. That doesn't seem right. Maybe the critics were all confused about who was making this movie. It wasn't goddamn Fellini. It was the Resident Evil guy. They all acted surprised that the film was just one darkly lit, claustrophobic, action sequence after another. What did they want? A commentary on man's inhumanity to man? Well that's actually in there. Only "man" in this case is animalistic, albino, space monsters and it's inhumanity is "eating people". In essence, I disagree with this assessment. This isn't the ceiling of the Sistene Chapel were talking about here. It's a space zombie movie. And I for one, am content with a string of action sequences I've seen before comprising the majority of the film. Call me a traditionalist, if you will.

The viewer's score on another website that I'm not sure I can mention but whose rhymes with "Miternet Movie Database" tells a different story. On there, Pandorum scored almost a 70% approval. Huh? How can this be? How can so many "normal" people like this movie, while the critics all treat it like it's a dog turd that you find in your pillow? I think it's that critics, in general, aren't as handsome as me, and therefore have too many insecurities and by proxy, inflated expectations of films. See I can say with confidence that I liked this movie even though it doesn't necessarily make a lick of sense, because I am comfortable being me. I mean after all...how many people got killed by the fucking cat in Alien? Pretty much everybody. I still love it. And I still liked Pandorum.







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Comments

Jen O.

You didn't mention the face-eating cannibal alien baby nearly enough. For me, the face-eating cannibal alien baby saved this movie. I'm not even sure he/she/it ever ate an actual face, but it was implied when he/she/it sawed the dude in half and tilted his/her/its face to the side like "Wut? I r kewt. Gimme yer face-meat."




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