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Pirates of the Caribbean 4 to Fake Breasts: Go Away

Keira_knightley If the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides movie were a little man with a ten-gallon hat and a couple of six shooters, he'd be stomping and shouting at the approach of fake breasts. In fact, he'd take out his guns and say "Ain't no wimmins with trick boobies allowed in this here movie". Are you with me on this metaphor so far? Yeah, you're with me.

Disney has had it up to here (about chest level) with surgically altered breasts.  For the new Pirates movie, the women will be au naturel.

Here's how the casting notice (allegedly) reads: "Beautiful female fit models. Must be 5ft 7in-5ft 8in, size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants."  So you can still possess the machine-tooled body of a 21st century Hollywood cyborg, but to your ta-tas you must be true.

Pirates of the caribbean knightley
But how, in this day and age of clever surgeons, can Disney tell if the beautiful female fit models sized 4 to 6 have real breasts? According to sources, hopefuls may have to jog in place. And I suppose that casting directors may have to masturbate a bit, just to be sure.  Hey, maybe they'll make the models put on teddies and run around while an ape and a policeman chase them to the tune of 'Yakety Sax'.

I'm not entirely sure why they want models with real breasts, to be honest.  Is Disney going for some 18th century-style authenticity?  In that case, the casting notice should read as follows: "Young men wanted to play women in pirate entertainment.  Age 13-17.  Must not be indentured.  Must have own teeth."  The genuine boobs are just a token of authenticiy.  One which will still pull in the coveted masturbator demographic (men aged 12-dead).

In better news, the fact that the title of the film is "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" means that this installment is based on the awesome Tim Powers novel.  Quick memo to Hollywood: please adapt every single one of Tim Powers' novels right now. That is all.

Oh, and despite these photos of Keira Knightley, apparently she's not in the next Pirates movie. Another once-beautiful-but-now-emaciated actress Penelope Cruz will star as the love interest.  Pirates 4 is slated for a May 2011 release, so if I were you I'd find something else to masturbate to in the meantime.  I tried to find footage of Eli Roth doing a sexy dance, but no dice.


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An Earworm alert should have been posted!


"masturbator demographic aged 12-dead." haaaaaaaa.

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