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On Sexiness, "It" and Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive Competition: Helen Mirren v. Megan Fox

Sexy isn't something that can be defined.  There are no measurable values, no constants, not one attempt at defining the word is indisputable.  Every individual definition is disputable.  It's preference, it's what makes your heart thump, your pulse quicken, your pupils dilate.  There's a slight rush of blood to one's head, causing rosy cheeks.  The hands moisten.  You're in the presence of "it."

But "it" is different for everyone, and, especially lately with the attention seeking antics of the wanna-be wanna-bes and the has-been-but-will-never-be-agains, the pendulum seems to have swung toward an "it" with oversized hoots, swollen duck lips and a face that causes retinal burn on those who have the misfortune to lay their eyes upon them.  Have you seen Heidi Fleiss lately? (DO NOT CLICK THAT LINK. It's safe for work, but not safe for life. Just pour battery acid on your eyeballs, it'll be less painful.)  Tell me you don't recoil and cross your legs when you see that face, ravaged by drugs, surgery and hard, hard livin'. And then there's She Who Shan't Be Named (rhymes with Tidy Con bag, if you've a thick-ish Midwestern accent as I do; bag pronounced "bahg" if you don't) who took a natural, beautiful face and body and turned it into something Madam Tussaud wouldn't touch with an extra pair of latex gloves.  "It" seems to have become synonymous with vapidity, oversexuality, hypersexuality, and overblown, over-injected everything. 

"It" might be changing.  Is that too much to hope?  That "It" become less about the hoots and sex, heavyHelen Mirren_Dave Bennett Getty Images lidded eyes and parted lips?  That "It" becomes more?  Maybe.  Esquire Magazine is hosting its annual Sexiest Woman Alive contest and Megan "Dumb as a Brick" Fox is paired with...Helen Mirren.  

I'm sorry.  Dame Helen Mirren. 

Helen Mirren (nee Illiana Lydia Petrovna Mironova), a woman of certain age, an Oscar winner, a married woman (before marrying Taylor Hackford in 1997 she had lived with him since 1986), a woman who was awarded the Dame Commander of the Order of the British Empire in the 2003 Queen's Birthday Honours List for her services to drama.  Mirren is not only impressively credentialed and highly intelligent, she's witty, bawdy and enjoys a good laugh at herself.  "I was never beautiful," she once said, "It was because of these [breasts]! I remember doing a photo-shoot for the play Teeth and Smiles (1975). And this arsehole photographer was saying: 'Cross your legs and lean down, dear!' Because he wanted these [pointing to her breasts.]"

Interviewing Mirren about the competition, Esquire asked,

ESQ: Do you think it's your free-throw percentage that's gotten you this far?

HM: It is more the fouls that I have gotten away with.

Wit! Intelligence! Gorgessity! Confidence and style, without acting like a truckstop whore who'll give a back alley tug job for a sex tape!

It is absolutely astonishing, given how very little I care about the Sexiest Woman Alive, ever, how much I want Mirren to beat the living fuck out of Fox and steal this win.

Megan Fox _ Twitter Photo And why am I so irritable and bitter at Megan Fox?  Because she's an idiot.  Or, worse, she's smart but playing dumb because she thinks it's sexy and cute and fun and the way women should be.  She parts her lips and plays up her supposed bisexuality to attract publicity and attention from men and women alike, but then farts or picks her nose to show everyone that, no, you guys!  You're STEREOTYPING ME!" 

"I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard," she told Esquire in 2009.  Um, Megan?  SIT DOWN.

Because, really, what's to resent?  She told Entertainment Weekly in 2009, "I can go toe-to-toe with anybody in a conversation."  O RLY, MEGAN?  Because then, in a red carpet interview at the 2009 Golden Globes, she verbally vomited, "I am pretty sure I am a doppelganger for Alan Alda. I'm a tranny."

Yes, the toe-to-toe conversation talk-off would be intense.  What can she talk about intelligently?  Gummy bears?  Shiny paperclips?

THIS is what gets me crabby, her mouth, her stupid thoughts spoken out loud, stabbing the eardrums of the world with a fork.  I hate it all; it's all so contrived. She talks dumb because she thinks it's sexy, attractive.  She thinks it's hot. 

Well.  I'm hoping the Dame shows her it's not hot.  I hope she shows Megan what "It" really is, and that it's about a lot more than pretending to be someone you think people will want to hump furiously.  That it's more about getting your photo taken, it's about someone catching a glimpse of that photo and their breath catching, even years after the fact.  It's timeless, this "It," and it's more than sex and a hot body.

I'm hoping the world's preferences are slowly changing, and that we'll soon find ourselves in a world not infested with Kardashians and Megan Fox-types.  The world needs a break from the STD outbreak those bitches bring with them. 

Did you know our very own BHJ interviewed Megan Fox (in his head)?  We live to give, here at MamaPop.  We are on the pulse of celebrities, breaking news, and sometimes?  We'll even sit down with the human equivalent of a herpes cold sore for an interview.

. . .

Anastacia Campbell has saggy hoots and parts her lips, but only because she has an unbecoming overbite.

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I have realized my mission in this universe: To defend Megan Fox.

Yes, Helen Mirren is vastly more talented and has inner beauty and class and all that.

Esquire is only doing this because it is absurd. Seriously, it's like comparing an eagle to a turtle.

Megan Fox is dumb also because she is young. She says dumb, young things.

It's like: Do you want hot and vapid and luscious or do you want cool and deep and classy? Who would abandon one for the other? OK, vapid. But I think she could learn.

It's not Meagan Fox's fault she's Meagan Fox. She was born that way.

I see that I have failed here. Let me go and think about it some more.

Ev`Yan | apricot tea.

Here, here!

(& that's all I've got to say about that.)


*stands up*

*slow clap*

Well said, Stacy. I have to give Esquire credit for the nomination of Helen Mirren, but will the target audience react accordingly, or just think "Hmmm, old boobs versus new boobs..."


I may or may not have clicked through a bunch of the other lineups in the Esquire bracket just so I could vote for Helen Mirren. It looks like other people are smarter than me and went directly there (http://www.esquire.com/women/the-sexiest-woman-alive/bracket-tournament/megan-fox-vs-helen-mirren) because Mirren is winning by a lot, and there are hundreds of thousands of votes (while the other match-ups have far less).


Or maybe you can't directly link to the match-up, because the link I posted went to their homepage. Just ignore me.

Nathan Pralle

Megan Fox & Company's particular brand of vapidity is popular with the unwashed masses for two main reasons: One, in the typical male fantasy, she epitomizes the type of woman who will, after enough wine or throbbing dance music, giggle and get naked; and Two, because there's no chance of being rejected, intimidated, or cut down by intelligence or a scathing wit.

The smarter men amongst us have realized the fine luxury of an intelligent, sophisticated woman and have partook from the cup of that which is suave, classy, and poised. Realizing that cosmetic enhancements do not make the morning after any more pleasant, we choose to prefer a natural lady with whatever sags, wrinkles, freckles, or imperfections she possesses, instead feeling that these are unique quirks and embellishments that identify her as genuine and anchor her in a solid reality that won't fade with the light of dawn.

In short, there's nothing hotter than running your hands along the curves of a woman unenhanced except by nature's gifts, kissing every inch of her unique physique while making unapologetic love, and then fiercely mentally jousting in the morning over a cup of steaming joe and a newspaper.


Oh my GOD, Nathan.

I think I love you.

Suzy Q

Team Helen!

Nathan Pralle, will you marry me?


Second attempt:

Well, speaking as a woman, I would not kick Meagan Fox out of bed for eating crackers.

I wouldn't fall in love with her. Helen Mirren I'd fall in love with.

If I were a man, a billionaire and maybe a few years younger, I'd probably do some kind of Pygmalion thing on Meagan Fox. Which would fail utterly. But seriously, I think it would be hard not to be deluded about her and engage in some horribly misguided attempt to turn her into Helen Mirren.

Why are all the men afraid to admit this? Come on! And it's not *just* her amazing body. It's also her eyes. And her dumbness. I'm a straight woman, for gosh sakes (although you may be doubting this at this point) and it's quite easy to see the appeal of her dumb young hotness.

Nathan Pralle

Ozma: Ok, I'll give you that. I would do wild, nasty, extremely sticky things with Megan Fox that would leave sheets ripped and electronic devices permanently inoperable.

But once I got beyond that...well. *Poof*


I cannot believe I just voted in that idiotic contest of which the intent is purely to objectify. Hmph. They take someone as smart and talented and funny as Mirren and reduce it to "Nice rack". But I still don't want Fox to win.


Um, I agree that Helen Mirren is really sexy. But she also believes rape isn't always criminal, and that female jurors may actually be JEALOUS of the victim in rape trials. So, that's just too much YUCK for me.

However smart she may be in other ways, that's awfully stupid.


"But she also believes rape isn't always criminal".

Hoo boy!! Here we go AGAIN.

Helen did NOT (repeat did NOT) say that rape isn't always criminal. Helen was actually a victim of date rape herself. What she SAID is that it is very difficult to prosecute date rape cases - which, unfortunately, is TRUE.

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