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"The Bachelor: On The Wings of FINALE, BABY!" Recap

6a00d8341c5d9653ef0120a7eb1081970b  WE MADE IT! We're finally at the end of this long, tedious, slut-strewn road, and now it is time for Jakey to take either Tenley, the Disney Princess, or Vienna, the Round Heeled Tramp under his Wings of Love, and we don't have to watch this stupid show again till next year. So what are we waiting for, let's put this puppy to BED!


We open again on the beautiful shores of St. Lucia, which I will describe happily and in great detail if I can get a free vacation out of the deal, are you listening, Tourist Board of St. Lucia? No? Then fine, we're back on the stupid beach. 

Jakey voiceovers that he is "right on the edge" of finding his wife. He's in love with both of them! Both! He's suspicious, though, of Tenley, and finds himself picking her apart, trying to find flaws. She's too perfect! There has to be something REALLY wrong with her, he just has to find out WHAT.

On the other hand, Vienna makes Lil' Jake very, VERY HAPPY. Jake wants to do Vienna all the days and into the nights. Oooooooh he loves her. SEXUALLY.  Rawr. Vienna's got nothing BUT flaws, but....SEX. He really, really loves the sex with her. 

This isn't supposed to happen, he says. He's not supposed to fall in love with two women. The time has come to make a decision. Much like the Highlander, there can be only one. So what does Jakey do? Why he goes running to his mommy and daddy, THAT'S what he does.

Sporting an extremely pink shirt, Jakey strides up to the freaking villa where his family is staying. He's been lonely without them. Here's Mom, Dad, brothers, sisters-in-law and a partridge in a pear tree to judge the girls and tell Jake what to do. 

He stammers that he's in love with two very very different women, and he needs another set of eyes to make a decision for him. You can tell by the quake in his voice that he is TERRIFIED to bring Vienna to meet the 'rents. Tenley's magic fairy dust will entrance all of them. Vienna "is the girl that everybody hated?" asks Mama. Ummmmm. Awk. Ward. Jake's shitting a brick. Great, he interviews. He's already given them the impression that Vienna is the Whore of Babylon and a beetch to boot. What a perfect time to clumsily throw to...

Commercials! Not. Another. "From the writer of 'The Notebook'" movie. When will people realize that is NOT a selling point? That's a vomiting point. 

Tenley's here to meet the parents. She walks from the car with a huge bunch of flowers that dwarf her. But that's not NEARLY as funny as the fact that the whole time, Jake is voiceovering that he has no idea why, but he decided to bring up ALL of Vienna's faults right off the bat with his family. He sounds very chagrined, and there's almost an audible "D'oh!" and forehead smack. Through all of this, Tenley is pageant walking up to the villa with her ficus tree or whatever shrubbery they've got her lugging around, with her Disney smile plastered across her face. That, combined with Jake's voiceover about Vienna, makes this a very weird and hilarious shot. 

ANYWAY, Tenley giggles that she hopes that she can be part of Jake's family. There's a bunch of people there she wasn't planning on. But everything's gonna be great, she chippers. Sister in law in the tacky blue jumper dives in with "how do you know?" Tenley pageant answers, and makes Jake's dad CRY. DRINK!!!! This is very serious for Tenley, she explains to Jake's mom. Mom wonders how Tenley would get along with her sisters-in-law, and that someday when Mom and Dad Jake are dead, the SILs will be the glue in the family. Tenley takes this opportunity to bring up that she's a TAINTED DIVORCEE, and that she is tenacious in love and strong in the face of conflict, and Mom Jake tears up. She LOVES Tenley. Ugh, this is seriously a Disney movie. DRINK.

One on one with Dad Jake. She's already made him cry, what more is there to say? She tells Dad Jake that Jake talks about how awesome his family is. Now TENLEY starts to cry. Drink! I'll tell you who ain't crying. Well, other than me, and the rest of the viewing audience. The SILs are NOT crying. They are SUSPICIOUS. They're not mincing words. I think I'm in love with the SILs. 

Mom and Dad Jake are totally in love with Tenley. Jake says to mom that he's been overly gentle with Tenley and basically not totally being himself. This is code for "I haven't farted in front of her, and can't imagine ever doing so," whereas I can see Jake giving Vienna the Dutch Oven on a nightly basis. 

The whole family jumps n the pool. Ugly Blue Jumper SIL and Mom Jake sing Tenley's praises and can't imagine what Vienna is like, because Jake and Tenley are soooooo perfect WE GET IT AH MAH GAH.

Commercials. I don't know if it's the art direction, or that song that plays in the background, but the ads for "Where the Wild Things Are" made me cry when it was in theaters, and the dvd spot makes me tear up too. I'm not made of stone, people. 

It's Vienna's turn. She's lugging not a shrubbery, but a gift basket ensconced in orange cellophane. For her sake, I hope it's got LOTS of booze in it, cause Jake''s already tipped off his family to the fact that everyone hates Vienna and she wasn't exactly there to make friends either. So first impressions are already STELLAR. That gift basket better have tequila and gold bars to make up for the shit Jake's already said, which Vienna is clueless to. This shouldn't be awkward at ALL. 

Vienna really wants acceptance from the family. She doesn't know if she'll measure up. Jake just needs her to be herself. Vienna doesn't do this very well. She talks about her town streetlight, and that she's never traveled, other than the roadtrip with the other girls. She nervously giggles that the roadtrip was, like, WAY fun, because every other girl hated her. Awkward looks all around, especially from Dad Jake. SIL #2 DIVES in, wanting to know all the dirt on why Vienna is so hateable. Nervous giggles. Awkward silence. SIL #2 doesn't think Vienna is classy. WHY don't people like you?? fires off SIL#1. Because Vienna is brutally honest. Oh yeah, says SIL#2? Then we're gonna ask the really hard questions. I LOVE THE SILs. Give them their own show! 

SIL #2 fires off "Do you think I'm pretty? Do I look fat in this outfit?" SIL#1 says Vienna has a LOT to live up to. Mom Jake LOATHES Vienna. She rolls her eyes. More awkward pauses. Vienna won't say why she likes Jake. She's teasing, but the family isn't playing along. Mom drags Jake away to say she does NOT like that Vienna didn't get along with the other girls. The SILs would rip her to pieces. Mom Jake will rip her to pieces. Jake knows this is ALL his fault for ruining the first impression. Stellar work, Jake!

Commercials: RPatz as another tormented broody guy with ironic hair! I squee! But he's not sparkly, so I will not be seeing that movie, whatever it is called. 

Jake grouses to his brothers that Vienna is awesome, while the SILs grill Vienna about Tenley. Vienna says Tenley is sweet but annoying. She's a "yes" girl, and Vienna's real with Jake. She thinks Jake is in love with her. She does NOT think he's in love with Tenley. SILs cackle that won't Vienna feel the fool if Jake picks Tenley. Zing! God I love these two chicks. 

They're not done, either. They want to get down to brass tacks. Jake. What makes him The One? She can see the future with him. She wants him to be happy. Ah HA. THAT'S what they wanted to hear. She's got the SILs. But what of Mom Jake? She thinks the women are the glue in the family, and she needs to know how Vienna gets along with people. Well, she stood up for herself, and it was rough. But if Jake doesn't like that, she's not for him. 

Jake meets with the SILs. They found Vienna abrasive at first but she really sees Jake for how he is. Jake almost let her go based on other people's opinions. So did the SILs.So did Mom Jake. Now they all feel bad. They love Vienna! They love that she's so strong! SIL #2 tears up! Vienna FTMFW! So Vienna has turned the entire damn family around. Go Vienna! Team Skank and Team Disney are neck and neck!

Commercials! Jen Aniston and Gerard Butler. Rom Com. They're both so...so unattractive in this preview. On the outside AND the inside. Yuck. I used to think he was cute. 

Jake takes Vienna to an active, stinky volcano. She's TOTES THRILLED. It's muddy and horrible and they're going in the mud hole. She says fuckit, let's go. So they sit in this hot spring and rub mud all over each other and make out. She writes "I love you" in the mud on his chest. It's very messy. Vienna is all hot and bothered. I'm just bothered. They're dirty and kissing. For. Ever. On and on it goes as softcore porn music croons in the background. They locate a waterfall to clean off and drink magic volcano champagne that appeared from the magic volcano fairies. Jake interviews that he needs to think with his brain AND his peen, that hot sex is only part of a marriage, and blah, he doesn't care, he's totally thinking with his schlong.

Commercials! Tyler Perry and Tyler Perry are Tyler Perry in a Tyler Perry film by Tyler Perry. Starring Tyler Perry, Written, directed and produced by Tyler Perry. Tyler Perry presents: Tyler Perry.

Vienna has a special gift for Jake. Her "I Promise I'll Never Elope Again Ring" that her dad gave her after her three week? Day? Minute? marriage. She wants to talk seriously with Jake. Enough with the sexy sexy. Are they in this to be best friends, too? You betcha, says Jake. But this is Jake, and JAKE HAS NO GAME, as we all know, so he RUINS the moment by literally saying "what was it like to be married for three weeks?" Well, Vienna scowls, it sucked. She's forgiven herself. Her dad forgave her. She's going to do it the right way next time. And that time is now! Here's the note and the ring. Jake reads it aloud, and doesn't even have to sound out the big words, guys! Aw, Jake's our big smart boy. Jake is touched. Smoochage. Last date angst. Jake gets into the unmarked van and we're left with a sobby Vienna, who doesn't know how this is all going to play out.

Commercials. I cannot adequately express my glee at the fact that "Alice in Wonderland" is finally opening. 

Jake whines that it's so haaaaaaaaaaaard to be in love with two women. He's putting his feelings for Vienna on a shelf and making it all about Tenley. Tenley talks about Jake (and to Jake) like he's a golden retriever puppy. Does Tenley huff nitrous? I'm not trying to start drug abuse rumors, but maybe Dr. Drew needs to get involved. I mean, no one is this chipper. 

They go snorkling. Have I ever mentioned that I have a phobia of underwater photography? It's true, it makes me claustrophobic and I always think a giant ocean beast will jump into frame.

But! Here's where things go sour for Tenley. They're chilling on the boat. Tenley wants to cuddle. Jake, He of No Game, realizes that Lil' Jakey isn't exactly tenting for Tenley. Oh god, he's trying to talk. He likes her? Emotionally? But? Not Physically? I mean, not-not SEXUALLY, just...physically? Yeah, I have absolutely no idea what he's talking about, and neither does Tenley. She thinks they have wicked great chemistry. Here, Jake, take a shovel. Dig that hole! Deeper! Tenley is crying in her interview. She knows this is bad news. Just like her ex. Jake feels like a schmuck. Why did he start talking? Now he's gone and done it. He knows he's in trouble as Tenley whimpers our way to....

Commercials! Heeheeehhee. RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!!!!!!! IN 3D!!!!!!! IT'LL EAT YOUR HEAD!! IN 3D!!!!

Tenley is wracked with doubt. Jake totally broke her spirit on the boat. Because Jake is a moron. He interviews that he's an idiot, and that he's sorry he hurt her feelings. Tenley wants to have a good time, but REALLY wants to know what the hell he was prattling on about on the boat. He tells her aaaaaall the things he loves about her, and avoids the question, AS HE INTERVIEWS that he loves her and wants to be honest with her. Sure, about everything but that whole "no physical attraction" thing. She Disneys that she appreciates his honesty (WHAT honesty?) Whatever, they make out. 

Tenley is still under the impression that they are getting married. And she has a gift for him! It's a diorama she's made of all their memories! Seriously, she made him a shadowbox. Jake interviews that Tenley is 100 percent perfect. More making out. Tenley's gonna prove that there IS physical chemistry, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Commercials! ABC? You are MISSING OUT on not having ol' Miss Banshee as the Bachelorette. Juuuuuust sayin.

Shirtless Jake (DRINK) is in love with two women (DRINK YOUR DRINK) He loves Tenley. She'd be the perfect Stepford wife. He loves Vienna because they act like stupid kids together and he's himself (a stupid kid) with her. Who has his heart???

Tenley sips tea in a bikini. She reminds us that she's a TAINTED DIVORCEE and she thinks she and Jake can conquor anything.

Vienna draws hearts in the sand, also wearing a bikini. Their chemistry is one of a kind. All she knows is that she loooooooooooooooooves him.

Jake's meeting with a SLEAZEBAG. Ah, he's a jeweler. Jeweler smarms "what about the girl? You haven't chosen the girl yet?" All Jake knows is one likes round diamonds and one likes princess cut diamonds. Good to see that he knows THAT, but I'm sure he doesn't know either girl's middle name. Priorities. These people have them. He picks out two rings. He stares at the two boxes! Tenley's perfect! Vienna's hot! He can't believe he has to choose. I can't believe I'm still recapping this at 3 AM. 

Tenley's heart would be broken if Jake doesn't pick her. Vienna wouldn't know what to do if SHE isn't chosen. WHERE IS CHRIS HARRISON TO BREAK THE TENSION!?!?! I'm so BORED!!!!! All three blee and blah and whine and moan about the "crazy ride" they've been on. And on and on and on. The girls get on helicopters and are whisked away. I would need a Xanax Big Gulp to get on a helicopter, I'll tell you that much for free. And I'll also tell you that I don't like the color of Jake's suit. It's a bit too cobalt blue (like his balls) for me. That or my 11 year old television is starting to go. Wait, this recap isn't about me.

Commercials! Something about gum and ostriches and men in suits and helmets. I think. It's REALLY LATE, guys. 

HERE WE GO! Where is Jake going to find the courage to dump one of the girls? Surely not with his mighty balls, which have crawled ALL the way up into his stomach at this point. The first, and therefore LOSING lady gets out of the helicopter! And it's TENLEY! She's ready to start the rest of her life. She trusts Jake with her heart. Everything is going to be rainbows and Sparklecorns!

Except it totally isn't, because Jake is hemming and hawing and Awwwwwwwwkward silence. He loves so much about her. She knows she's getting dumped. She's perfect. He loves her. He doesn't know what it is, but he's TOTES not marrying her. Tenley doesn't know what to say. She took this very seriously. She wants him to be happy. They're both sobby. "Thank you for showing me what I could have," she wails. BURNINATION. That's gotta sting. She's prattling on about something or other, but Jake isn't listening and neither am I. Blah blah blah. Thank you for making me feel special, ya prick. Tenley, OUT! *drops mic* 

Oh my goddy god, they stop and talk some MORE about how he's dumping her. He feels held back. She doesn't want to hold him back. She's loved falling in love with him. Thanks for the memories, dickhead. Off to the unmarked van she goes with Chris Harrison, who scowls at Jake. Awesome.

In the unmarked van, Tenley blubbers that she hasn't found happiness yet in life. Hey, join the club, sister. She wants a man who will love her for her. She still sees Jake as that person. Mark her words, Jake will regret this. OH YES HE WILL. Sobby sob sob sob. "Goodbye, St. Lucia sun" Tenley boo hoos.

Commercials! AH MAH GAH KATE GOSSELIN ON DANCING WITH THE STARS. THAT'S why she got the hair extensions! Ah yes, DWTS is coming back. I'm PARALYZED by not caring very much.

For 31 years, Jake's been waiting for this moment. He's 100% sure of his decision. Here comes the helicopter with Vienna and her HORRIBLE roots. Apparently there are no hair salons in St. Lucia. Vienna is wearing her signature greenish blue toga. Her extensions are SO RATTY. What a freaking mess. Oh, she's talking about how she's head over heels blah. Seriously, her hair is SO bad. She's completely in love with him. They whisper about how amazing the other is. "But there's something you need to have." it's the promise ring from her father! WHAT? What's going on??? He thought it was a symbol of pain, but it's not. She needs to have it. It's important. She's sobbing. There's something else. He loves her. Aw. STOP WHISPERING DAMMIT. And DOWN on one knee he goes! He loves her with everything he is! Here's the ring (the round diamond, good choice.) Will she marry him? Hells yeah she'll marry him. They hug and kiss and get giddy. That is a big fucking ring.

YES! THE THEME SONG! You are the sunshine that lights my heart within! Come take my hand and we will rise ON THE WINGS OF LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!!!!!!

There's only one thing left to do. Vienna, will you accept this final rose as we montage our smooching throughout the season? Yes she will! ON THE WINGS OF LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay kids, listen up. We still have the "After The Final Rose" reunion show, and it is almost 4:00 am. You get THAT recap on Wednesday at 10 am ET, coolio? My punk ass is going to bed. 

On the wings of BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


. . . . .
Miss Banshee flies away on the wings of Klonopin, because, seriously. Zzzzzz.







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Comments

ajnabi

You know, I've never actually seen the show. And the recaps haven't made me want to tune in any more--although I bow to your wit and style, Miss Banshee. However, "that's a vomiting point" just made my week, so thank you.

TwoBusy

Awesomest. Recap. Ever.

Suebob

Your recaps are the best best best thing about this stupid awful show. Thanks for making this "journey so amazing"!

cindy w

I don't even watch the damn show but I love these recaps.

P.S. Everytime you type "DRINK!", I have a visual of you slugging down more Red Bull and then grimacing as you get back to recapping.

Life of a Doctor's Wife

OMG this is the best recap ever. I heart you and your bachelor recaps more than any other recaps in the whole wide world!

Fairly Odd Mother

I caught most of last night's show and it was pure misery. I was half hoping he'd dump them both and get the hell outta dodge.

But, this line? "whereas I can see Jake giving Vienna the Dutch Oven on a nightly basis." So, so, so perfect and hilarious.

JenGid

I hate this show with a passion. Even if I liked it, I would skip watching just to have this version. I'm actually sad that it's over now. Will you be reviewing DWTS? Because that would make me very happy.

wxgddss

Miss Banshee, you're the shizz.... Funny as ever. Thanks for the laughs.

Not sure why I love the show so much - it really goes against everything I stand for (except for fantasy dates... I'd love a guy who could provide St. Lucia fantasy dates). Perhaps it's just a train-wreck waiting for the tee-vee news crew?

Anyways... hugs and I can't wait to read the ATFR recap. Yay!

Katie

Excellent recap Miss B.!!! DRINK!

Suzy Q

OMG, the pain. IT WAS SO PAINFUL TO WATCH THAT LAST NIGHT. I want my money back! And my sanity! And more wine!

Thank you, Miss B, for your wonderful recaps. You deserve rainbows and raises, not to mention psychotropic medications, for having lasted the entire season. Kudos.

danielle

Don't watch the show. But I eagerly read each and everyone of your recaps, because they were funny and interesting in a way I'm sure the show never ever, ever, ever could be.

Thanks!

Brooke

Pleeeeeze (whine whine whine) recap the next season of the Bachelorette. I want to read your take on that Frat Girl Bitchface Ali.

Brooke

Hmmm... Frat Girl. That made no fucking sense. Just like this show.

heidi

Thanks for all the recaps. You always crack me up but this may be my favorite part ever:

Tyler Perry and Tyler Perry are Tyler Perry in a Tyler Perry film by Tyler Perry. Starring Tyler Perry, Written, directed and produced by Tyler Perry. Tyler Perry presents: Tyler Perry.

I'm actually gonna laugh when I see him now!




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