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The Bachelor: The Douchelor Gets Married Recap

Molly-jason-mesnick-wedding-rain  Y'all. I am not even playing around with this one. I CLEARLY did something very, very wrong in a past life to deserve this, and YOU, my beloved little squirrels, get to come along for the ride as we follow the Douchelor Jason and his second choice, Molly, down the aisle. Luckily, Mother Nature hates these jackoffs just as much as we do.


Once upon a time, we met Jason, the Douchelor, who went through the prerequisite 25 women to find the woman of his dreams, Melissa. Then, he dumped her on national television and chose door number two, Molly. Now they're getting married, and we get to watch. Oh the unbridled joy and rapture. Can you feel the excitement? I know I can. Oh wait, that's nausea. It's all coming up on "The Bachelor: Jason and Molly's Wedding!"

Chris Harrison is outside in the rain (this is an ongoing theme, which gets more awesome by the minute) to remind us that it's been six years and a gazillion seasons of The Bachelor since Trista and Ryan got married. That's right, six years of this show since a couple actually went down the aisle. Ah, true love. But! Tonight! Despite the fact that it is POURING RAIN in Los Angeles, which never happens, and is clearly a harbinger of doom, Jason and Molly are getting married, dammit, so let's look back on what brought us here today. 

In Seattle, Jason and Molly yammer on about how they "got to know each other again" and did the long distance thing for a while, but Molly got sick of that shit and moved all her crap to Seattle, overtaking Jason's bachelor pad and putting doilies and shit on everything. We're also re-introduced to Ty, Jason's five year old plot device I mean, son, who I am shocked to see has what looks to be a gaping wound on his face. Turns out on closer inspection it's a sticker, or jam or something, but seriously, it was all Massive Head Wound Harry for a moment there. 

We get a very forced scene of Molly and Ty making brownies together to show that they get along like peas and carrots, so don't worry about the step-mom thing, everything is kosher with the Plot Device, but take a good look at him and his enormous open sore now, because someone with a BRAIN (or the Department of Child Services) has decided that Ty will NOT be a part of this special, and will remain off camera for the remainder of the endless two bloody hours we are about to endure. Perhaps there is a deity up there after all, at least for the children. 

There are endless montages throughout the show of Jason and Molly talking FOR AGES about how much they love each other, which I will skip over, because they are nauseating. Suffice to say, Molly and Jason think they're pretty neato mosquito and the bees knees and retch. 

We mercifully cut to commercial with a closeup of a scrapbook with "A Fairytale Love Story by Molly" emblazoned in marker on construction paper. This is going to be the longest two hours of my life.

Commercials! That British dude is WAY too into Dyson vacuum cleaners, dudes. I think he has a fetish, and I do not want to think about the suction involved.

Back at the wedding, everything is being anchored down and covered in tarps because the sky does not want Jason and Molly to get married. You know who ELSE didn't want Jason and Molly to get married? The entirety of the world! Yes, we get a detailed recap of how after Jason dumped Melissa and went for Molly at the reunion, the world was in perfect harmony in hating the bejeezus out of the Douchelor, and the tabloid frenzy that the producers of the show CERTAINLY had nothing to do with, no sirree. So Jason and Molly whine and bitch about how haaaaaaaaaaard it was to be the most hated couple in the world, and how the tabloids suuuuuuuuuuuck, and Jason? Suck it up. You and the producers chose to do this shit on national television. The world's tiniest violin is playing the teeniest, saddest song just for you and your fame-whoredom. 

Then they suddenly totally got over it and they decided to be the happiest couple EVER and they're getting married, so neener neener neener. 

Commercials! Barbie and her friends learn that what makes you different makes you strong! By...becoming...mermaids? Whatever, buy the dvd for your kid.

More wedding construction shots. Harrison is still yapping about the weather. Oh, even better than the weather report, LET'S GO VISIT JAKE AND VIENNA! Oh please, let's not. But we do. They're schmoopy and disgustingly in love and whine about the time they had to spend apart before the final episode aired and they stumble over rehearsed lines about how happy they are for Jason and Molly like they have any idea who they even are and then they eat spaghetti like in "Lady and the Tramp" and I become violently ill. Am I leaving anything out? Seriously, they just interview about how awesome they are and how awesome being in love is and it's sickening.

We then visit Jillian and Ed the Head, who we don't care about at all. They're still together. Ed's Head is still enormous. Jillian moved to Chicago to be with The Head, and they're planning on planning a wedding, which means exactly nothing. Thrilling.

Charlie and Sarah were on Season 7. They broke up for a year and got back together. They quarrel onscreen. Yeah, they're doing well. NEXT.

Oh god, Ryan and Trista. The supercouple. Vom. It. They have two kids now, and they are soooooooooo happy. Their wedding was on teevee too, and was very very pink. ENTHRALLING. NEXT. 

All this crap was to show that five couples out of a jabillion have endured through the years. No one cares. 

Commercials! Yay! Outback Steakhouse LOVES military folk, so if you are a veteran or in the military presently, you get a free Bloomin' Onion during the month of March. O...kay?

More Harrison. More rain talk. More tarps. Let's go visit the wedding planner! First we go to look at wedding bands. The scumbag jeweler shows them some serious bling. Did you know that a wedding band symbolizes "forever?" Well now you do. This show has more filler than Pam Anderson's boobs.

CAKE! Mmm, cake. Sexy shots of cake. Best part of the show, hands down. No! Don't cut away from the cake! Boo. Fine. Invitations. Place settings. Brown and green. It's all very Pottery Barn. Lots of naked branches and fern green accents. 

Off to Macy's to do the registering montage where they zap all the price tags with the zapper and then they zap each other ha ha and AH MAH GAH they lie on a display bed with a white duvet WITH THEIR SHOES ON that is so rude I think I just heard my grandmother pass out from horror. It goes without saying that they spend this entire montage voiceovering about how much they love each other, right? Good, cause I can't dwell. The bile, she rises.

Wedding dresses! Tuxedos! Boring! I'll take this opportunity to discuss Jason's unfortunate facial hair. It's very Miami Vice Don Johnson stubble and it looks sloppy and unkempt, like he just walked out of a bar at 6 am. Totally gross, and if he thinks he's keeping that shit for his WEDDING, he is FIRED from LIFE.

Commercials! Pantene shampoo and conditioner? Has a ton of wax in it. That's why it makes your hair seem shiny. Do with that information what you will. 

The cake arrives! Harrison reminds us AGAIN that it's raining. He actually brings in the wedding planner to talk about the rain. She assures us that everything is going to be PERFECT as the thunder rolls in the background. She desperately wants out of the shot, but Harrison makes her say again that everything is perfect. Speaking of perfect, let's go see the bachelor/bachelorette parties in Vegas!

Typical Vegas-y party stuff happens. The ladies get a lesson in striptease. They pretend to be shocked and appalled. The men grunt and drink. It's all extremely tame and boring, so I'll take this opportunity to tell you all that the MamaPop Summit in Las Vegas last year kicked all sorts of ass, and we came up with a genius idea involving surreptitiously taken photos of women in Vegas casinos who neglected to wear pants and putting them on a website called considerpants dot com and it would have been awesome. Hey! They're at the Bellagio fountain! Here's a fun fact from the MamaPop Summit: Goon Squad Sarah, KDiddy, Snarky Amber and I stood in the freezing cold rain to watch the Bellagio fountain display and frolicked very disrespectfully as the speakers BLASTED "I'm Proud To Be An American" as the fountains spurted. I don't know if I've ever laughed so hard in my life. So when Jason and Molly say that the fountain is the "most romantic spot in the world" I fall off the couch in a fit of giggles.

Commercials! I'd describe the trailer for "The Backup Plan" but it involves wacky hijinks and an unplanned pregnancy and I could have written better material while I was in that coma back in 2008. 

Harrison! Rain! Here's the "event designer" to talk even MORE about the perfect wedding this is going to be as it pours. When WASN'T it raining? At the rehearsal dinner! Let's go see what that was like!

Rehearsal dinner. Wine flows. Gorgeous restaurant. "Midwest and West Coast collide in California" Jason describes. Everyone has plastered smiles on and there is a not at all rehearsed toast involving an old stuffed animal that goes on too long and after I wake up after passing out from boredom, Jason is yapping and THANK JEBUDDAH HE HAS SHAVED and that's really all that matters. Everyone's excited about the wedding. Everything is going to be perfect. Smooching. Commercials.

"New Moon" on dvd, guys! EDWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!!!!!!!!!

Rain! Tarps! Ponchos! Harrison! You think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. We're still talking about the rain.

Morning of the wedding! Ken Paves, hairstylist to the stars, is doing the bride's hair. Much squealing. Beyonce's makeup artist is dropping names and applying lipstick on Molly. The men are doing much less squealing. Jason and his dad remind us that little Plot Device is not appearing on camera. It's the only wise decision made in this entire extravaganza. 

The bridal party's shoes arrive on a silver platter and ah mah gah, they are GORGEOUS. Molly is excited about seeing Jason. I have raging shoe envy. Blah blah notes from groom to bride and bride to groom and aw how sweet. THE SHOES, people. They are spectacular. 

More filler about how special and perfect everything is. I'd tell you to drink every time this happened, but you'd end up in the hospital.

Commercials! Soy milk is SO over. It's all about almond milk now, dude. Get with the program!

People are arriving! It's freezing and raining. The paparazzi has arrived via helicopter. We drag out the past couples we visited earlier in the program. They all pretend to be excited and happy. Oh please, they pretend to know who Jason and Molly even ARE. They're just happy to be on camera again. Big Head Ed nixes the idea that he and Jillian are the next down the aisle. He'd rather give himself root canal with a rusty nail, by the expression on his face. Charlie has the same reaction. Awesomely, Charlie asks where Melissa is, and that she'll totally crash the wedding. That Charlie. What a card. 

Paparazzi are harassed and assaulted by security as the groomsmen watch and laugh. Ah, senseless violence. Hilair!

B-roll of people bitching about the weather and umbrellas being blown inside out. This goes on. And on. And on. I remember when I started this recap, back in 1976. Bicentennial, ya know. I was negative one year old. And STILL WRITING.

Commercials! If you take Yaz for birth control? Yeah, the side effects are wicked. Not exactly a glowing recommendation for your product, Yaz.

It's time for the wedding! But first, a weather report from Chris Harrison. A stock shot of a rainbow. RIGHT. We'll soon see how accurate that is. 

And here comes everyone down the aisle. Here comes Molly! 

BUT WAIT AH MAH GAH SOMETHING AWESOME IS HAPPENING!

It's JASON CASTRO. From AMERICAN IDOL. And he's singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" and playing the UKULELE. I am not even lying to you! Jason Castro! Oh the naughty things I would do to you, you beautiful, be-dreadlocked pretty boy! 

Jasoncastro
 

Oh yeah, the wedding. Here comes the wind. And with the wind comes the thunder. And then? Hee hee hee. The wind starts RIPPING. The judge, Molly's uncle, is yammering on about the couple and love and fate and you can't hear anything because the wind is blowing so hard. Ha ha ha ha ha. There's a TOTAL fakeout moment when Uncle Judge asks if anyone objects to the marriage, where we pan the audience, looking for Melissa, who, having a shred of dignity, does not appear. 

Molly and the Douche start reciting poetry to each other. The wind is insane. The bridesmaids release doves into the gale-force winds. Where's PETA when you need them?

Commercials! You know what, bitches? I'd love my body too, if I looked like a Victoria's Secret model. Assholes.

Time for vows! Aaaaaaaaaaaaand time for the DOWNPOUR. Perfectly timed thunder and screaming wind and rain appear as Molly starts blah blah-ing her "personally written vows." She's a trooper, though, and keeps going as the rain and wind blow everything to hell. By the time the Douche starts his cheeseball, stilted speech, they are SOAKED. It's HILARIOUS. Seriously, the wetter they get, the harder I laugh. Because I am a BAD PERSON. They exchange rings in what is rapidly becoming a MONSOON. This is SO FUNNY, Y'ALL. They're all wet and shivering and I'm on my couch laughing at them. Hee hee hee. 

Oh, they're married now, yay. More Jason Castro! Jason Castro is wearing a pea-green sweater and brown pants. He's playing the guitar instead of the uke, and his dreads are all wet and...Sorry, I got distracted by the pretty. 

Jason-castro-11
 
 

Commercials! Wah wah wah, people don't like vegetables, so drink some fucking V8 and quit yer bitchin.

Of course, now that it's time for the (indoor) reception, it has stopped raining. HA! Random guests wish the couple well. 49% chance they'll stay married, is what I, the bitter single woman, would say to the camera. 49 percent. Because again, I am a bad person. 

Chris Harrison is toasting! He's got a surprise! it's Melissa! No, psych. It's Molly's favorite musician, Gavin DeGraw, some dude who sings and plays the piano and looks like he would rather be covered in ANGRY BEES rather than be at this wedding. Boy looks PISSED. The happy couple dances. 

Harrison sincerely congratulates Molly and the Douche, and WE ARE DONE.

Okay, listen. Next week there's a special called "Stories Behind The Roses" or some shit that promises to spill all the dirt on all the past seasons. I will or will not recap this monstrosity based on YOUR COMMENTS, so weigh in on whether you're up for one more godforsaken recap of this godforsaken franchise of HELL. Your wish is my friggin' command.


. . . . .
Miss Banshee is really a very nice person, except when it comes to this bloody show.







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Comments

jodifur

You deserve an award for that. B/c I had to turn it off. Then I again I knew I had your recaps to look forward too.

Alyssa

I also could not make it through that show. And it was only on in the BACKGROUND while I got my son ready for bed. Yet somewhere around the time they started reading each other love poems with "words contributed by their friends and family" (WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!) I had to turn that shit off. Miss Banshee is a saint.

heidi

oh, Miss B, i'm torn.

i LOVE, LOVE, super-big pink-puffy-heart LOVE your recaps. esp the commercial comments. slay me with the hilarity.

BUT.

i would not subject MYSELF to this crap, so i don't see how i can reasonably ask that of you.

such a dilemma! does the immense joy brought to me and so many others by your recaps outweigh the crushing torture of you having to watch (and contemplate?!) this dreck?

how much of a masochist are you, Miss B?

Angela

What? no calls for recaps yet? I say recap! cause I'm as sure as hell not watching it myself. I enjoy your recaps way too much to spoil them by knowing what happens.

Oh, and the commercial recaps, those are like the butter holding the bread of your recaps together. Or the honey, because now for some reason I'm wishing I had honey. Damn hormones.

cindy w

I think I figured out your secret MamaPop Loser weight-loss technique. It's this show, isn't it? And all of the vomit that it induces?

"Release doves into gale-force winds" = awesome visual in my head there.

Oh, and the soy/almond milk thing reminds me of Lewis Black. "There is no such thing as soy milk, because a soybean does not have a teat. At best, you're getting soy juice, but no one would drink something called soy juice because it sounds f'ing disgusting."

Sarah T

I love almond milk. Over shredded wheat. yum.

I have never seen this show, and I have absolutely zero desire to, but I read every one of your recaps, because you are funny as hell.

Dawn

I don't watch the franchise but I find myself increasingly intrigued by it due to your recaps. So, my vote is for the recap of the roses stories or whatnot because it must be your punishment! And I am evil.

Devon

Do NOT put yourself through that on our account. And seriously? They are milking yet ANOTHER week out of this train wreck. Me thinks NBC may have a chance yet...

Tanis Miller, RNM

Recap that bitch. Because I love reading your posts and because I'm a sick bitch who would rather make you suffer for art than having to do it myself.

Ashleigh

"The bridal party's shoes arrive on a silver platter and ah mah gah, they are GORGEOUS. Molly is excited about seeing Jason. I have raging shoe envy. Blah blah notes from groom to bride and bride to groom and aw how sweet. THE SHOES, people. They are spectacular."

My sentiments exactly!!

Amy H

So much to say about this show.

1. Vows are a soloemn promise or personal commitment. These two just stood there and talked about how much they loved the other person's smile and sense of humor. That's not a vow. sigh.
2. Why not just move the wedding inside? Happens all the time. The guests must have been absolutely miserable. And I seriously doubt they could even hear anything Molly and Jason said.
3. The cast of characters from the other seasons? Awkward. I'm sure they hated being there just as much as Molly and Jason hated having them there. Especially when you see some of the girls Jason rejected along the way. WHY did the producers think that was a good idea? No one wants an ex girlfriend at their wedding.
4. I was getting uncomfortable with how much they were trying to show that Molly and Jason really were the right match and that it all worked out in the end. They were trying too hard.
5. I hope they pay Chris Harrison a ton of money because he makes an ass of himself on a regular basis.

YOU BET YOUR ASS I WANT YOU TO RECAP NEXT WEEK's RIDICULOUS FILLER SHOW. :-)

CCM

Oh yes! Please, please, please recap!

JenGid

Please do the recap. I could not possibly watch this, but am dying to read your take.

Life of a Doctor's Wife

I love love love your recaps. If you recapped commercials, I would read them. (Clearly - since I actually enjoy commercials, and do not touch The Bachelor with a 10-foot pole or even my TiVo.)

So I guess that means, please recap something! Behind the Roses or whatever - I will read it and love every word!

PB&N

Miss Banshee I love you. Your recaps make me laugh at loud in my office-"what? this tax return is funny". I will never in my life watch that crap but I sure do love it when YOU do. Keep 'em coming.

Fairly Odd Mother

You MUST recap the next trainwreck show! Please, pretty please!!!

Rachel

Please recap! I love your recaps!!

Dinsdale

You are the funniest recapper since Daniel Drennan in the days of Beverly Hills 90210. Please recap (anything and everything). Put it in book form - I would buy it!

Suzy Q

I have NOTHING invested in this show and yet EVERYTHING invested in your recaps. I must have them, at whatever cost to your personal sanity.

Also, where are the pictures of the shoes and the cake?

Wahkonamama

Your recaps are friggin' hilarious. I heart them, huge. But, recap the rose blah blah blah? Oy. Don't do it. Give yourself a break.

Question: Is it okay to cancel an appointment with a potential wedding vendor if she writes things like this on her Twitter? "Oh Jason & Molly you make my eyes teary." Please advise.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

The fountain was romantic, and patriotic, and loud.

Or maybe I just think it was romantic because I wanted to make out with the three of you.

April

I started to watch it. But after five minutes I was feeling stabby and then oh look, that episode I missed of Real Housewives of New York is on and I appreciate THAT degree of dysfunction so much more than the Douchelor brand of cheesiness so I went with LouAnn and Bethenney instead. Anyway, I LOVED this recap. It may be your best of the whole season and REALLY want to see one from you next week. Sorry that I am mean and want to torture you in this way. But it is your fault for being funny.

brandi_b

Pleaseopleaseoplease recap next week's show!! They are seriously fantastic! I love soy milk, but it doesn't agree with me thanks to my missing gallbladder. Sort of like this show. I can't not watch desptie k owin how truly awful it is.

Andrea

Must. Recap. That is all.




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