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The MamaPop Biggest Loser Challenge: Week 10

The_biggest_loser With only 3 weeks to go, some incredibly mystical insight that can't even be fathomed by discursive consciousness dissolves the individuality of the Mamapop team members into ONE TEAM MEMBER. What used to be a collection of people is now actually a bunch of vital organs contributing to one functioning body. It's pretty cool.

BHJ lost 6 pounds for a total of 35 pounds. Whoa. This is 5 pounds beyond my goal but what the hell? I'll take it. This week I ran 50 miles but I also did two 90 minute sessions of that crazy ass bikram yoga in the 105 degree room. I actually prayed for my own death in there. I saw dead people. I even met my spirit animal guide. In fact, doing bikram yoga was where I realized that I am not me in the way I thought I was me. Don't get me wrong. I'm whole. But only in relation to That Greater Wholeness Which Is MamaPop.

I am the mouth of MamaPop, at least for this post. None of us are constantly the same parts of MamaPop. We are all this and all that. I told you it was totally mystical.

Jennie lost 3 pounds for a total of 19 pounds. "Nothing new or out of the ordinary happened this week except we got some stressful family news last week and it would seem for the first time in my life I dealt with stress without raiding the pantry and carb-loading. I'm shocking myself these days."

Jennie is the enthusiastic good mood of MamaPop. Her 19 pound loss is the shiny shine of whose essence is shining.

Amber lost 3 pounds for a total of 17 pounds. "I was eating so much diner food because for some reason I do my best work in this disgusting dive diner downtown. After I turned in my last paper, I went grocery shopping, and I wanted fruits and vegetables so badly that I nearly dove head first into a bin of apples. I left the store with nothing but fruit, fresh veggies, boneless skinless chicken, hummus and a bottle of wine. I didn't even walk down the snack aisles or frozen foods. I ate five clementines last night and I nearly took a bite out of a bell pepper like I was the Chairman on Iron Chef."

Amber is the heart of MamaPop. She is the source of love that loves forth even (indeed moreso) when confronted with the threat of breaking.

Jodi lost 2 pounds for a total of 8.5 pounds. "The secret this week was really have no time to eat. I didn't have a lot of time to exercise this week either, and I normally exercise every day, so I'm not sure if the 2 pounds was just from literally running around like crazy all week, but I'll take it. I'm determined to reach my 10 pound goal next week!"

Jodi is MamaPop's sense of justice. We are fair and just but not afraid to deal blows of vengeance to the stupid.

Jurgen Nation lost 2 pounds for a total of 4 pounds.

Jurgen Nation is MamaPop's brain chemistry. She is the sweet transmission of dopamine floods that may or may not be natural.

Karen lost 1 pound for a total of 7 pounds. "I've been so damn good, I'll take it."

Karen is the wrath of MamaPop. She is all flash and fury and smites things that are dumb.

Kurt lost 1 pound for a total of 8 pounds. "I have no stories this week. It was an exciting adventure in almost exercising because of the nice weather but sloth won the day."

Kurt is MamaPop's logic. And by logic, I mean irrationality. Did you see how I did that? MamaPop can't be held in a single fist, grasshopper.

Miss Banshee lost .8 pound for a total of 27.8 pounds. "What, I'm weighing myself in tenths now? I'm 2 pounds, 2 tenths away from my goal, and my stupid gut is going to hold on to those two pounds just to SPITE ME. I call shenanigans. Also, I've been living off string cheese, which probably doesn't help. Shut up, they were on sale."

Miss Banshee is MamaPop's mental health. We're depressed. We're manic. We're a metaphor for mountains and waters and a serial killer who lives down there in a tent. He's Nature Killer.

Sarah lost .5 pound for a total of 6.5 pounds. "But the doctor gave me phentermine yesterday, so look out."

Sarah is MamaPop's speed connection. MamaPop feels strong and sexy and gets the house clean.

The Palinode remianed the same for a total loss of 10 pounds.

The Palinode is MamaPop's unconscious. MamaPop is hidden in the dark with a big knife. I'd tell you more but then it would be conscious.

Motherbumper remained the same for a total loss of 7 pounds. "At least I'm holding steady. Considering the stress of late, I'm surprised I'm able to talk myself out of stress eating. I tend to binge in times like this but I've been chugging water instead. Not as satisfying but whatever. I do feel better in the morning so there's that."

MotherBumper is from Canada. She's MamaPop's source of cultural diversity.

Outnumbered remained the same for a total loss of 6 pounds.

Mayopie remained the same for a total loss of 8 pounds. "No change on my weight, which is amazing considering I've been home for a week and eating everything in sight. I'm trying out this exercise thing the kids are talking about. I think I'm on to something."

Outnumbered and Mayopie are the testicles of MamaPop, in a good way. From them flow fertility and virility and the promise of new life. Long hang the balls!

Amalah gained 1 pound for a total loss of 6 pounds. "Okay, I know this is major TMI, but the ladies will understand: it's that time of the month. I always pack on some water weight no matter what I do. Luckily, it vanishes overnight, and in the past I've been known to gain five pounds worth of bloat, so I think this 1 pound gain actually bodes well for next week's weigh-in."

Amalah is the leg upon which MamaPop stands. Sweetney's not doing the contest so the MamaPop Biggest Loser Entity only has one leg and a stump. But stand on, Amalah, for you are a worthy leg.

TwoBusy gained 2 pounds for a total loss of 18 pounds. "This is what happens when your one and only option for exercise literally dies in your hands (thank you, static electricity and my subsequently short-circuited treadmill). I went running outside on Saturday - in the rain, in 42 degree weather, which was fun - but that was it, as Saturday morning's rain turned into a 3-day, 25-year storm that dropped 10" of rain on Boston over the course of 3 days. Basically, both electricity and nature fought against me this week, and I lost.

TwoBusy is MamaPop's disgrace. Damn it, TwoBusy. But only this week. For MamaPop, because it is so mystical, contains the seeds for its pride in its disgrace. So TwoBusy is also MamaPop's pride. TwoBusy contains multitudes.

*

So the MamaPop Biggest Loser Entity, as we've already discussed, is a figure consisting of the MamaPop writers, formerly individuals, but now merely organs in The Body of something larger. Not fatter, mind you. Just, bigger. More monumental.

Anyway, the MamaPop Biggest Loser Entity started out 10 weeks ago 272 pounds overweight. It has now lost 187.8 pounds, leaving 84.2 pounds to lose in 3 weeks.







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Comments

mouthy_broad

i like "blows of vengeance to the stupid" and "smite things that are dumb." all quite hilarious.

PB&N

"One leg and a stump" - hilarious!

Anastacia

If I am MamaPop's brain chemistry, WE ARE ALL FUCKED.

But I love it, whee!!!!

DID YOU HEAR ME GODDAMMIT??! I SAID "WHEE!!!"




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